Does anyone plain just not fancy their DH? At all.

[StrugglingSlightly]

Been with DH 9 years and married for 7. Before we got married i was worried about our drastically tapering sex life but when i tried to discuss it with friends they dismissed it as 'it's what happens in long term relationships'. So swallowing my misgivings i got married to a kind, sweet and gentle man. Who has also become increasingly wealthy. My life is pretty fantastic on the surface but i just cannot have sex with him, it turns my stomach. He's not at all unattractive but i just find him so, school boy and inept that i resent it hugely.

I had been pretty experimental before him and find my role as the leader just so unsexy. It is the root of all our relationship problems. He also hates driving and i am the leader in just about every aspect of our lives. It hadn't been this way in my previous relationships.

We do have children, but i am the most fertile woman alive. The last time we had sex (very drunk no foreplay whatsoever) i conceived DC3 and i (so horribly) told him to go to a hooker and just get to know the basic biology.

Is this worth losing a marriage over as i am desperate for a physical connection with someone. Is there anyone else in a similar situation that is happy??

[TheMonster]

Yes we have one child.
We're stuck. Finances won't let us live apart.

[valiumredhead]

BOE tough situation to be in.

[StrugglingSlightly]

Sorry snowymum. What i meant by that statement is that it's not a decision to be made lightly, and this thread is trying to work out if our problems are serious enough to warrant it. Of course it is sometimes better or unavoidable for children to grow up with parents who are divorced (mine are) and it is certainly not the worst thing that can befall a child.

[StrugglingSlightly]

BoE, so you're trapped together rather than making the best of it? Sounds very tough.

[choochfull]

STRUGGS i understand some of what you feel, I think you want an equal in the marriage! i have to buy his clothes, decide what we eat, where we go, who comes to the house.... etc etc, not becasue i want to but because if i didn't nothing would get done, or we would never see anyone etc.
I want more than anything for him to be my other half instead of being like my son. I feel most of the time like a single mum with two children!
I however don't want anyone else, i want him, but as a husband not as a flatmate, and becasue this is how i feel, i have ne sex drive AT ALL, which is killing me because i have always had a massive sex drive, the worst thing is i don't know which came first, do i not want sex because of how he behaves or does he behave that way because i don't have sex????

Any advice would is welcome. x

[valiumredhead]

You don't have to buy his clothes chooch it sounds like you have fallen into the role of being his mother as much as he has your son.

[maamalady]

Ionysis is very wise, OP - listen to that advice. Also, talk to your husband about this - it may well be hideously embarassing for both of you, but you need to do it. I had this "arrrrgh so frustrating" sex talk with DH when we'd been together for about a year - and we were both still teenagers. Eleven years later and by god do we know what the other likes. You have to start with talking, though - he's not a mind reader. Incidentally, I talked to DH some while ago about that first conversation, and he said that he was glad I'd brought it up because he was afraid of doing things "wrong". If your DH has not had much experience aside from you then I wouldn't be surprised if he feels the same way, and your "go to a hooker" comment won't have helped him feel any more positive!

If you really can't face talking face to face, or he's too embarassed or self-defensive when you do, you could do worse than to find some erotica (either literature or video) to illustrate what you'd like him to try, or what you'd enjoy trying together. Sex should be fun, not some big stressful encounter.

Definitely make sure there's some sort of discussion, though. Good luck, and report back! :)

[mouldyironingboard]

You sound like my DH's ex - she always told him he couldn't do anything right (including in the bedroom!) so he realised it was easier not to try rather than risk her wrath. After being miserable and sleeping apart for many years, they divorced and he met then married me. She has remained single and becomes increasingly bitter with each passing year.

I would suggest that you try going for counselling and/or sex therapy to see if the marriage is worth saving.

[TheMonster]

we were friends for years before we became partners. We had our son within a year of becoming partners and pretty soon went back to being friends again. It could be worse: we could hate each other!

[confidence]

There's something I don't get.

You were with him for two years before you married. You describe him as sexually "inept" and "not knowing the basic biology". Surely these characteristics would have been apparent from the very start - indeed worst at the very start, before your sex life had even "taken a dive"? In fact, how could it even "dive", from such a low starting point?

Yet you decided to marry him and have children with him, even though those sexual aspects were showing no signs of getting better. Was this because (a) you didn't care about them, and were happy to envisage the rest of your life the way it was (in which case you have no basis for compaint now), or (b) you did care about them, but not enough to put you off using him to provide money and children for you (in which case, now he's done that, you don't have to put up with him any more)?

[Wamster]

Yes, why did you marry a man who seemed set upon the road to riches but who was/is rubbish in bed?

[ionysis]

Confidence, the OP says "Before we got married i was worried about our drastically tapering sex life but when i tried to discuss it with friends they dismissed it as 'it's what happens in long term relationships'" - The OP implies that she felt that it was normal for the sex to die down and that she was being unreasonable in her expecations.

Wamster the OP clearly says in her first post "So swallowing my misgivings i got married to a kind, sweet and gentle man." Does that answer your question? I don't understand why you (alone on this thread) have decided that the OP is some kind of gold digger when she has clearly stated that she makes her own money and is financially independent. You are willfully choosing to ignore the information provided and making ridiculous insinuations which have no basis in the facts presented - and in fact completely counter them.

[Wamster]

She does not earn as much money as he does, though, does she? He is the one who allows them to have a wealthy lifestyle.

I don't see why you're so keen to make her out to be some kind of an angel.

This has nothing to do with any 'patriarchal trope' at all (as some have suggested).
Here we have a woman who ignored the fact that her husband didn't float her boat sexually (and, to be honest, he probably never will).
Why do that? Unless there is something to be gained from it?

You are ignoring the facts, not me.
What kind of a woman tells her husband to visit a hooker? Coming back to the feminist idea of a marriage being a 'partnership', isn't a person in an equal relationship supposed to think: 'my husband is rubbish in bed, I must try to teach him better?' No she doesn't want any responsibility for sorting out their problems as a team. None at all.

Instead she slags him off, totally rubbishes his contribution to the marriage- oh yes, in passing she mentions that he is sweet and kind and gentle but, really, reading between the lines this does not really matter that much as being dominant.
What matters is that he is not a 'leader'.
How disrespectful is she to a very clever man who earns a lot of money. She doesn't appear to have any respect for his career or anything.

Basically, she thinks he is worthless as a human being and is very contemptuous of him.
That in itself would not be enough to make her appear that unpleasant, though, not to me, anyway: hard-nosed businesswomen who demand hard work of others are not repulsive as they demand hard work from themselves, too it is the fact that she enjoys a 'fantastic' lifestyle through his efforts yet slags him off by telling him he is useless and go visit a tart.
I find that repulsive.

[CoteDAzur]

Struggling - Do you socialize with your DH's friends and colleagues at all? It sounds like you need to see him in his social circle, among people who value him and who consider him successful and worthy of respect.

Attraction is mostly psychological (at least for women) and I can't see your sex life with him improving unless the contempt you obviously feel for him and he most likely does not deserve somehow dissipates.

[ionysis]

What kind of a woman tells her husband to visit a hooker?

I assume a very frustrated and miserable woman who has reached the end of her tether in her marriage.

I agree the way she has handled the situation was only guaranteed to make it worse.

But in her first post she has said that she is now looking either for ways to try to make amends for her previous behaviour and try to fix the situation, or opinions from others as to whether it is in fact irritrievably broken.

Money is a completely irrelevant issue here.

[Wamster]

It's as if you don't see your dh as a human being. It seems obvious to somebody who considers their partner as human that altering one part of their partner's personality will have an effect on the rest of their personality.

She wants him to be more dominant, but if he became more dominant, this may have a knock on effect as to how he does his job- he may start behaving differently in work, too, is that a good idea? After all, whatever he is doing so far has been positive and productive.

Changing one aspect of a person's behaviour will have a knock-on effect on the rest of them-anybody who considers their partner as being fully human appreciates this.

It's kind of like when a man puts a woman down all day but still expects him to want him to be a sex goddess in the bedroom.

Sorry, but I really do feel that if the genders were reversed here the reactions would be more negative.

[Wamster]

You can believe that money is an irrelevant issue here, ionysis, thousands would not.

[ionysis]

Actually out of the many who have replied its only ONE who does not...

[Wamster]

Actually, some here have implied that it is an issue.

I think the way you are defending the opening poster when she seems to be an unpleasant person for putting her dh down all the time, yet still expects him to be great in bed is unfathomable.

If a man came here saying that his wife was more or less useless and to visit an escort and it had never even crossed his mind to help her be a better lover, I can just imagine the reception he would get.

You can't tell somebody they are crap all the time and expect them to be a great lover.
Only people who see their partner as some kind of object think that they can.
If you see your partner as a human being, you recognise that the aspects of their personality are integrated and that they are complex beings.

[ionysis]

You can't tell somebody they are crap all the time and expect them to be a great lover.

I couldn't agree more and have made that very point on a different thread this morning. But telling the OP what an evil, gold digging POS she is isn't useful for either the OP herself or anyone else who may come to this thread. What is actually constructive or useful about your posts? They aren't even entertaining, just nasty vitriol.

What would you constructively suggest the OP do to improve her situation Wamster?

[Wamster]

I'd suggest she leave him. This is not a marital dispute over who does the washing-up, or something that is resolvable.
Here is a person who, despite being married many years, does not even comprehend that her husband is fully human.
Regarding your partner as a human being who is complex really should be the basis of all marriage.
I can't really see that if she has not reached that empathetic stage after all this time, that she ever will. It's not necessarily worthy of blame, but it is a matter of fact.
It's the 'a,b,c' of any relationship.

You may be right about the money issue, but so could I, but it's not relevant, I agree.

She doesn't see him as a human being, what is the point?

They should split up and she can meet her alpha male. She should be warned that alpha males can be very selfish, but as she sounds self-centred herself perhaps pairing up with one may suit her fine.
To some people, excitement is everything and she seems to be one of those people. Shame that children will be hurt because of mum's self-centredness.

[ionysis]

Well there you go - she has several options to consider now doesn't she. Some say leave - either for her own sake or for her husbands - others say give it a shot to rebuild the intimacy / respect to see if it is possible. She has a range of perspectives on which to base her decision.

It would be interesting if people came back to update these threads with what transpired subsequently wouldn't it?

[Wamster]

Yes, it would be interesting. I can only see this going one or two ways, though, her cheating on him (and him turning a blind eye or being oblivious to the cheating)- I think she needs him but she doesn't want or love him, or her leaving him.
I admire the positivity of those who think their relationship salvageable, but I don't share that view myself.

If it had been, 'I love my dh, respect him a great deal, and have always supported him and respected him but don't fancy him', it would be different. Perhaps, then, the will to save the relationship would be there as well as the non-selfish attitude to save things.

[MrHeadlessMan]

OP, just wanted to share my experience with you.

I am married to the sexiest person alive (sorry to everyone else but it's true!)

But for various reasons physical intimacy has not always been possible, sometimes for quite long periods of time. But during all that time, it was the emotional connection - talking, laughing, crying together - that kept us feeling close.

You talk about not feeling attracted to DH. I suggest that this is a result of your emotional feelings towards him, not his physical appearance or sexual techniques.

You say he is kind and sweet and clever. These are good things that I'm sure you don't want to change. Question is if they are enough for you? If yes, then that means loving and accepting him for who he is. If not, please don't lead him on. Leave him and both of you can start new lives.

[didldidi]

I haven't read anywhere where the OP has suggested she puts him down "all the time" some posters are focusing on one comment said in anger and frustration.