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Original poster

Does anyone plain just not fancy their DH? At all.

127 replies

StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 11:59

Been with DH 9 years and married for 7. Before we got married i was worried about our drastically tapering sex life but when i tried to discuss it with friends they dismissed it as 'it's what happens in long term relationships'. So swallowing my misgivings i got married to a kind, sweet and gentle man. Who has also become increasingly wealthy. My life is pretty fantastic on the surface but i just cannot have sex with him, it turns my stomach. He's not at all unattractive but i just find him so, school boy and inept that i resent it hugely.

I had been pretty experimental before him and find my role as the leader just so unsexy. It is the root of all our relationship problems. He also hates driving and i am the leader in just about every aspect of our lives. It hadn't been this way in my previous relationships.

We do have children, but i am the most fertile woman alive. The last time we had sex (very drunk no foreplay whatsoever) i conceived DC3 and i (so horribly) told him to go to a hooker and just get to know the basic biology.

Is this worth losing a marriage over as i am desperate for a physical connection with someone. Is there anyone else in a similar situation that is happy??

OP posts:
FrightNight · 23/10/2011 12:40

Kind, sweet, gentle, good father, good provider, dynamic businessman

These are all things worth hanging onto.

The rest can be improved assuming you want them to with increased communication, mutual respect and understanding. Sounds like the starting point would be with you examining what it is that could be worked on.

BTW I'm not sure it's that unusual for a DW to feel she takes charge of everyday life/social lives etc I reckon that's about par for all the women I know. If we all used that as a stick on our DH's the divorce rate would be 10 out of 10.

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:42

Who said you had to be the fall guy for the rest of the family? That your unhappiness was a worthwhile price for the sum of everyone else's happiness? Was that your idea or his? It sounds horribly unfair.

It sounds like you've come to the end of the line as far as this relationship's concerned. You're allowed to end it, you know. If you really want to.

I think you've been given a hard time here. It must be soul destroying to be in a relationship where the sex is repellent, yet you're told you can't do anything about it because you'll make everyone else unhappy.

BTW, you need to take responsibility for not being honest with the counsellor. That's what they're there for. And if he doesn't understand what you want from him, or what he's doing wrong, you're not really giving him a fair chance, are you?

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:42

He's better off without you. The poor sod. Do you earn any of the money? I made the assumption earlier that all your wealth came from him? If I am right, then I think that divorce will leave you, if not, poor, then not as wealthy as before.

You've got a choice: leave him be poorer and have a sex life.

Or stay and accept that he's not going to float your boat sexually.
Ever.

But I find the way you put somebody else down who lets you live in luxury and who is otherwise sweet and kind and gentle repulsive.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:42

It's not just a case of what is right for me though. It is was is right for the children too and am i being unreasonable in regards to expectations. Should we just be happy with what we have.

Are others happy with a similar scenrio? Has anyone ever been to sex therapy??? What do they say/ do?

And those who are obsessed about the cash, it was an example that he is a capable man at work. I know nothing about his role other than it's difficult and he is one of the best in his field. He is definitely not confrontational at work - he's a boffin.

OP posts:
ionysis · 23/10/2011 12:42

I can relate up to a point. My husband too is very passive and refuses to make any decisions - even down to which takeaway we have. He was military for 20 years so is used to just doing as he is told. He is the same in the bedroom too which I find quite frustrating also.

There IS something funadamentally off-putting about a man who comes accross as "weak" or passive. I think women are biologically programed to want a strong and determined partner - its only logical when you think about it. But maybe you should be doing some miore constructive things to change the basis of your relationship.

My H is having therapy at the moment to try to increase his self-esteem (I've tried for years but to no avail - even though I tell him how great he is daily all he says is "you're my wife so you have to say stuff like that").

Perhaps if you priased your husband, tried to make him feel more like a man and less emasculated you might find his attitude changes and he becomes more dominant. Take a step back in the decision making process.

And have more sex. Usually the more you have the more you want. His confidence will increase because it will seem like you actually desire him. Wil increased frequency he may gain enough confidence to e a little more experimental. The poor guy is probably terrified of "failure" as you have been so mean to him in the past.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:44

Thanks 'fightnight' that 10 out of 10 figure is what i was wondering!

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 12:46

There is plenty you can do to improve your sex life, which doesnt involve him sleeping with a prostitute, or you sleeping with anyone else either.

You dont need a sex therapist either. What you do need is you to be less scathing, and work out together what it is that you want from sex. There are many ways to "educate" him if he isnt experienced. There is porn (and I dont mean hardcore crap.. ), there are books, there are plenty of websites.... look at them together. Find out what would turn him on, tell him what turns you on. He isnt a mindreader, and if he hasnt got the experience, then how the hell can he know what you want him to do.

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:47

You know, OP, if you were Katie effing Price your points would be valid. You'd earn as much as he does -probably much much more as she is absolutely loaded!- you'd have a right to complain about how passive he is.

But, what are you, really? Sounds to me like you're living off him financially yet still slag him off. So what that you organise things socially? If (and I do mean if) you don't work, wtf do you think you're supposed to do? Confused.
You honestly expect him to do it when he has been working all day?!

It doesn't sound to me that it is you that is toiling to earn the dough in your household.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:48

Thanks 'ionysis'. We seemed to be heading in the right direction and then the debacle of Dc3's conception happened. I was just so frustrated and blurted it out in anger and, obviously, with venom. Your point about the biological programming is one that i've wondered too but not all men are assertive etc so it must work for some, i just wonder how?

I'm beginning to sense an uncomfortable conversation coming up...

OP posts:
SirSugar · 23/10/2011 12:49

Simple question, do you actually love your DH? really love him? Hmm

FrightNight · 23/10/2011 12:49

Struggling I think Ionysis is making good sense. It might be too simplistic but sees to me that it's at the root of most of your problem.

You ave to get back to your counsellor and that has to be part of the discussion. Do you fancy DH physically but it's technique/style that's lacking?

I think it would be sad to chuck the towel in when there are so many positives. Your meaner comments just reflect your frustrations I think.

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:50

Wamster why are you going about money? You sound really jealous.

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:51

How's about this for an idea? Why don't you go and see how hard it is to become wealthy in this world? Go and see how much sheer bloody hard work it is to earn a lot of money. Then, by all means come back here and slag your dh off. Because you'd have earned the right to.

FrightNight · 23/10/2011 12:52

I think the conversation doesn't have to be uncomfortable, it has to be honest and constructive. Think about what you want to achieve, what are your top 3 wishes - start there.

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:52

No, it's not jealousy, madonnawhore, it's just an aversion to women who don't work themselves whose dh provides money for them complaining how useless their dh is. Do they think money grows on trees or something?

FrightNight · 23/10/2011 12:52

Roll your neck in Wamster, you really aren't helping.

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 12:54

There is no need for it to be an uncomfortable conversation, but I think it has to be a very frank one, done with sensitivity on your part so that you can get honest answers from him. He must know you arent happy, and it sounds like he would do what he can to save his marriage, so be honest and be kind.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:55

There are so many positives. He is a genuinely nice person and tends to see the good in anyone (obviously!).

How does anyone know what love is? If it's not lust, as that's most of what gets people together. You cannot tell me that all marriages are held together by 'love' , that's only part of the fabric and this conversation is about figuring out if the rest of the fabric is. Is it a) children b) commitments c) extended family d) friendship. We're definitely friends.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 23/10/2011 12:55

Honesty is always the best policy; still want to know if you really love him OP

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:56

'Helping'. If the genders were reversed here, I'd wonder how much sympathy the opening poster would have. None would be the answer.

My dear wife earns a lot of money, I don't work myself but she is useless in bed, I've told her to get sex lessons from an excort and I'm considering having sex with another woman because she is such a passive and timid.

SirSugar · 23/10/2011 12:57

You know what love is if you feel it for someone

ionysis · 23/10/2011 12:58

Trust me, I do understand the frustrations you feel. I would LOVE, just LOVE my husband to suddenly start being dominant, masterful and highly sexed in the bedroom. I think I would give just about anything for that. I still fancy him a lot (which is actually worse I think because if he was in any way dynamic I could really enjoy our sex life). But I haven't given up on it.

Me being pregnant constantly for 2 years hasn't helped our love life and he used to be Mr Fitness (boxed for the navy and played everysport under the sun) but hasn't been for a work out in years so feels like a blob and unattractive. I've got a double load of baby weight to shift too. All things which will hopefully improve over the next year or so - along with the therapy.

Of course if things in the bedroom were still this lacklustre in 5 years time and I felt pretty fit and sexy again I might not be making the same positive noises. Sad

SirSugar · 23/10/2011 12:59

and lust doesn't get everyone together, respect first

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:59

Wamster I support myself and earn really good money by working my ass off, so I know money doesn't grow on trees.

But it's disappointing that you're buying into the old patriarchal trope that if a female spouse doesn't earn money in a marriage, she's a 'prostitute'. When you marry, you agree to share assets equally. That's part of the deal.

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 13:03

Love, (in my view) is trying to imagine the rest of your life without that person in it. Can you do that?

There are times I dont like my husband, there are very occasionally times when I wonder if I should just pack my bags and bugger off, as I am sure happens to most people in relationships at some point. But I cannot imagine never having him in my life as my best mate, or having a relationship (not just sex, the whole relationship thing.. ) with someone new. And that is what makes me know that I love him. He does things that annoy me, and I know I am far from perfect, but we are a team.

We did split up once, a few years ago, (no other parties involved.. just a build up of resentment and problems that we didnt sort out), and after 4 months we got back together and have a stronger marriage than ever now.