Does anyone plain just not fancy their DH? At all.

[StrugglingSlightly]

Been with DH 9 years and married for 7. Before we got married i was worried about our drastically tapering sex life but when i tried to discuss it with friends they dismissed it as 'it's what happens in long term relationships'. So swallowing my misgivings i got married to a kind, sweet and gentle man. Who has also become increasingly wealthy. My life is pretty fantastic on the surface but i just cannot have sex with him, it turns my stomach. He's not at all unattractive but i just find him so, school boy and inept that i resent it hugely.

I had been pretty experimental before him and find my role as the leader just so unsexy. It is the root of all our relationship problems. He also hates driving and i am the leader in just about every aspect of our lives. It hadn't been this way in my previous relationships.

We do have children, but i am the most fertile woman alive. The last time we had sex (very drunk no foreplay whatsoever) i conceived DC3 and i (so horribly) told him to go to a hooker and just get to know the basic biology.

Is this worth losing a marriage over as i am desperate for a physical connection with someone. Is there anyone else in a similar situation that is happy??

[LeBOOOf]

I wonder if some of your frustration with him isn't a projection of your anger at your own passivity: you say that you never really fancied him, or that it wore off fast, yet you let yourself be convinced that was normal and drifted into marriage, and you failed to really use the counselling you had to assert your needs and stayed by default. You tried to offload your sexual dissatisfaction by getting a prostitute to do the grunt work, and you have fancied someone else for four years and let them 'prove' you still feel lust. Where is your own agency in all of this? Perhaps you need another go at some counselling, but on an individual basis, so you can start owning your decisions and stop covering your unhappiness with anger at your husband?

[SpringHeeledJack]

there's a phrase in an old Julian Barnes novel the tyranny of the weak

it must have stuck in my head years ago because I found it an oxymoron (?I think)

it resonates. A lot

Wamster- the op has said she's been horrid. I think you should get your rocks off over on AIBU, tbh

[SirSugar]

I don't think you love him or you wouldn't be able to be so scathing about your problem with him.

Do him a favour, be honest. One persons trash is anothers treasure, someone who will treasure him will find his sexuality ideal and if he already feels low because hes been made to feel like shit by someone who is supposed to be his partner, another can raise his spirit

[BatCave]

Part of the issue though Wamster - is gender roles though isn't it. A lot of households are set up where a man earns the money and the woman works in the house, with the children. Because OP isn't as wealthy as Katie Price, should she just accept unhappiness in her sex life? Or is satisfaction only a privilege for those providing equally financially to the household? Rubbish. Money is NOT what this is about. You are sounding bitter.

Ionysis is giving good advice, OP.

[FrightNight]

When I met my DH we were lust on toast. Quite sick making I think. We have had many ups and downs, and total reversal in our earning power with me now an SAHM to DH's soaring career.

DH has a condition making sex difficult and infrequent. It makes me but it's ok really because the totally intangible love bit makes it all possible. If anyone lived in my head and saw the thoughts I have when I see an attractive man they would be amazed, but that's the only place where those thoughts live.

You can all stop chucking up now.

[StrugglingSlightly]

Sir - it was respect that bought me together with this chap. And now i wish it had been a little bit more lustful, if you get what i mean. I'm not sure if i love him or not but he is a good person. Do you have to love someone to be married to them? Is the fallout worth it? Does everyone who stays quite happily married remain in love with their partner? Or do they just like and respect them?

I have a career with is fairly public which is why i don't want to post details of it on here. I do earn, though not as much as my DH but i could support a family.

Ionysis - there's the rub. Get on top of it now because so far in i feel really quite bitter and upset about the sex (even though i'm just as fault as he is). I think of previous 'expert' boyfriends with extreme affection. DH is a very awkward type of person.

[BatCave]

Love, (in my view) is trying to imagine the rest of your life without that person in it.

This.

[Wamster]

BatCave, Of course women should expect a good sex life even if her dh earns the money.
But, look at her opening post, NO acknowledgement of her dh's contribution at all. Telling him to see her a hooker. The opening poster does not even acknowledge that her dh is of any use at all (when he clearly is playing his role).

Would you take it as being fair if the dh called her useless and didn't acknowledge her contribution to the home?

It just seems like he is meal ticket to her.

[ionysis]

I know you say you don't want to, but honestly I think you'll find if you actually open the door to sex with your husband again you will find that spark is actually possible to reignite. It all starts with affection and intimacy of course. Opening yourself up to him. He sounds like a good and caring man who would respond well to affection. Perhaps you can start there. The occasional kiss, hug, a foot or back rub in the evening, kising goodnight, telling him you miss him. Slowly open the dorr to proper conversation about it "I know I've been mean in the past" "I want us to try to put that behind us" "I miss feeling you close to me". If you make the sex LOVING then you'll feel less resentful about it being rather less than passionate - that's what I do anyway.

But please make sure you have the contraception issue fixed first this time!

[valiumredhead]

Is there any reason why YOU can't teach him 'basic biology' why would you tell him to go to a prostitute? Have you actually tried to show him what you like?

[BatCave]

Wamster I disagree She DID acknowledge his caring attributes, described him as a 'kind sweet and gentle man' I believe she isn't questioning his contribution to the household, nor complaining about hers. The thread isn't about that. She is simply being honest, with herself and with us and I think that should be applauded. Embracing those parts of ourselves which we don't like is brave and the basis for finding a solution. I'm sure if we all as introspective we'd find things that we wouldn't necessarily be proud of; she has admitted hers here in the hope that we can help her find resolution. Calling her vile and implying she is a prostitute, imo, is baleful.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

You may find that a 'more assertive' male may also be more controlling, less supportive, unwilling to show affection, off with his mates every night.....

I think a lof of women have these fantasies about Mr Forceful & Dominant- but these sort of men can be hell to live with.

And as for your comments about love- yes, I do think you have to be in love with the person you marry. Obviously that love can wax and wane- but love, for me, is intrinsically bound up with respect and liking and even kindness.

[mrsmillsfanclub]

I think it is a choice of staying with a man who has a lot of positives going for him, except sexually, or leaving and and allowing both of you to be with someone more sexually suitable.

I don't think an affair is going to help at all, don't be unkind to him but don't be untrue to yourself either. If a lifetime of what you have at the moment is too unbearable for you then you need to think about what you will do long term.

I don't know how old you are, but what I would say from my own experience is that what was attractive and essential as qualities in a man has changed drastically since my mid thirties. I would favour kindness, a mild manner and hard worker ten times more than I did when I was younger. Dominance, sexual eagerness and unpredictability don't seem half as important any more.

[Wamster]

Too true, MardyArsedMidlander, as a descendant of alpha males -good-looking, intelligent, clever, resourceful men full of 'leadership' qualities, I can wholeheartedly agree that these men can be hell to live with.

The flipside is that they're attractive to other women, and more often than not, don't see why they should resist. Been told they're great all their lives. Why shouldn't they do what they want?

The truth is that the sexiest men do not tend to make the best husbands.

[HardCheese]

I think people are being very condemnatory of the OP, who is only trying to be honest in a 'safe' forum situation, hopefully so that she no longer lashes out cruelly at her husband out of frustration. No, it doesnt make her sound particularly attractive, but her job isn't to charm us, for God's sake. (And I agree with Madonnawhore that some odd and reactionary attitudes are emerging about the role of money in this marriage. She doesn't have to lie back and think of England because he pulls in a lot of money...)

OP, I have a friend in a not dissimilar situation - she's very much the leader in all aspects of their marriage, with the difference that she also earns the only income, as her husband, after being made redundant several times in quick succession, has been a stay-at-home-father for their children for several years now. I know she is at times frustrated by his lack of drive in the bedroom and elsewhere, but her position is that this is the man she married, and she knew what he was like, and she has no plans to leave him. He is, as your husband sounds, an utterly good guy, who I'm sure has his own dissatisfactions with the relationship.

It sounds to me as if you're locked in a vicious circle where your attitude to him makes him feel emasculated and under-confident, and his lack of oomph and leadership then feeds into the frustration that makes you say very cruel things to him, and so on. It's not that you find him repellent, you're just increasingly frustrated by his fumblingness in bed and that he seems unwilling to take (or share) the lead in any aspect your lives. I think you can, between you, improve the situation, but it will take a lot more kindness on your part, and a willingness to experiment in taking a back seat to see if he can start to 'lead' in certain situations - if you stop leading, what will happen? But it comes down to whether you really want to enough. Personally I think it would be a shame to end this relationship when it looks (from the outsde) as though it can be repaired, but that's easy for me to say. Good luck, either way.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

I went out with an Alpha male for five LOOOONG years. And ironically he was a useless and selfish lover- he thought all he had to do was unveil his Mighty Wand and a Proper woman would have an orgasm immediately.

And believe me, when he won't do the washing up as it's 'demeaning' and you're the one picking up his dirty pants and socks off the floor- the romance sure flies out the window quickly then as well.

And having worked closely with the police, I have noticed that a lot of Strong Men sure as hell don't want a strong woman- their wives tend to be in the background, keeping their mouths shut and quite willing to play second fiddle.
A kind man who makes me laugh- that does melt my knickers these days.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

OP, my advice to you is this:

Let your husband go to find someone who appreciates him properly

Then you can shag as many red-blooded alpha males as you like (good luck with that, btw...you are going to need it)

Don't sleep with anyone else until you have ended your marriage, that will spectacularly fuck up your life

[headnotheart]

You can teach technique in bed by directing your partner without words. Or you can share a fantasy - perhaps if he imagines himself as someone more dominant but still him (why do firemen spring to mind) it might translate into action? In the old days I did have jungle fucks with partner, then as I lost respect for him for various reasons, I stopped fancying him.

[TheMonster]

I don't fancy DP and he doesn't fancy me. It's just the way it is for us.

[StrugglingSlightly]

Thank you to MadonnaWhore, SqueakyFreakyToy and LeBOOOF.

LeBooof, especially i think you may be right. I've been thinking of going to counselling on my own as the children, who are just so bloody gorgeous, don't deserve growing up with parents in different houses.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

are you not thankful to all the people who have taken time out of their day to give you their opinion, OP ?

you did ask for opinions, after all

[StrugglingSlightly]

Tp all others not mentioned then, thank you for writing down your thoughts.

Body of Eeyore. How do you manage it? Do you have children.

[snowymum]

...the children...don't deserve growing up with parents in different houses.

Off topic, but that is so thoughtless - getting on for offensive - to those of us who've made a decision that means this is exactly our situation. Have a care.

[valiumredhead]

BOE - did you ever? Are you happy with the arrangement, or do you feel stuck? You don't have to answer, just curious.

[Ormirian]

Why does he have to find a prostitute to learn how to do it properly. Can't you teach him? It seems obvious to me that you'd be the best person for that. Isn't a tart meant to please her client not the other way around?