The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Kicking The Devilish Demon Drink Into Touch This Hallowe'en!. Mwahahahaha!

[Mwahahahahahahahouseface]

Hello

I'm Mouse, well normally! [hgrin]

Welcome to the Bus. We are a mixed bunch of Babes, some of us drink, some of us don't and some of us are trying to find out the best way to cut down or stop completely.

There is plenty of room on the Bus for everyone so, come say hi. [hsmile]

And, if you'd like to see what brought us all here, you can read all of the past threads, including the original one by JWN RIGHT HERE

Venus - thank you. I think that will make changes to me. I'm usually tired and hungry and irritable for which I will substitute angry. I want to look happy and smiley to my kids so I give myself a boost that spirals down. One of my saddest thoughts is that my kids have had me breathing wine on them during bedtime stories their whole lives - the smell of stale booze must mean mummy and stories and bed and cuddles. I still smell cigar smoke and think of grandpa in a lovely way - god help them if wine smells of childhood cosy sleepiness

I have enjoyed alcohol free night tonight and I am looking forward to a good morning and not feeling all churned up inside and fed up because I gave into the demons in my head.

I have had my nice tea, my ginger beer, and cup of tea and cake and a biscuit and played farmville and scrabble on FB with my friend and I have been fine.

Everyone of your posts pushes me on to think, yes I can do this

Wishing you all a good sleep and hoping in particular that Leather and Dementedma get a deserved restful night. Sleep well x

Have a great holiday with DH JWN, really hope the love between you continues to grow and flourish, because my god, you really really deserve it after all you have been through. And without you starting the Babes Bus where would we all be? Have fun!

have a fabulous time JWN. please try to bring back the sunshine with you

leather i'm so pleased you got that nice feeling in bed. often the things we think we can't do are actually so nice when we try - i hope you did get some sleep.

well done mrsjosh - hope you have a nice boing feeling this morning.

i think the HALT thing is great but i think i need fear in there and some ideas as to what to do for it when it comes. i think actually that shame and fear might be quite significant for me and i need to find ways of addressing them other than drowning them with a drink.

happy humpday everyone.

Must post and run but boy that was a long night! I slept initially but woke up about 2 and never really went off again - hope that doesn't last!

Jwn - I wish you a wonderful holiday - I haven't read it all but I read the first thread and I'm glad your life is in calmer waters

Morning everyone. well managed to have an completely alcohol free night and brilliant nights sleep. DP had the cutomary box of wine on the go when I came back from pilates, just ignored him and immersed myself in TV and tea. Leather sorry you did not sleep well, often I wake up in the early hours, I find reading is a great way to relax and take my mind of things.

Morning all,

Well done Blossom on the alcohol free night!

Leather, sorry to hear that you woke up only after a few hours, my DH doesn't sleep well (this is mainly stress not alcohol for him) and I know he listens to relaxing music on his ipod.

I slept well (but I usually do anyway) but on a scale of 1-10 in feeling crappy I think its only about a 1-2 whereas yesterday was a 7 probably. so and improvement.

I am MRSJH and TODAY I WILL NOT BE DRINKING ALCOHOL

Hi blossom - gosh - a great nights sleep? how?? :) I think I will take a while to sleep without grog but I think I am finally in the right place to fix this.

Wine boxes are evil - should never have been invented. I would feel really odd buying several bottles of wine but a box looks better in my head. I dont think you should be able to buy anything in bulk - it stops noone's free choice but would make some people think twice about how much they take home and therefore stop the creep of a little more a little more that eventually becomes the bench mark.

How is your relationship blossom? this is going to be ok?

wallowed - what are you shameful and fearful about?

i dunno leather. it was the method of childraising in my family - keep them scared and shame them often kind of thing, not to mention the catholicism

i guess i just tip into those feelings sometimes - i'm too ready to believe i'm wrong or to think 'they must be right' if someone says something bad about me or i perceive them as thinking badly of me. and fear comes in all strengths, shapes and sizes - mostly i just think of it as anxiety and being edgy, anxious etc i have tended to medicate anxiety with alcohol for lack of anything better (i'm sure valium would have done just as well if they sold it on every street corner for a pittance lol). i think it may be better for me to stop hiding it under the label 'anxious' or 'panicking' and actually examine and face what i am really feeling. the fear and shame link up and work together so that one starts, the other is triggered and i can go down a spiral of being terrified at how shameful i am. god that sounds pathetic!

sorry for the deep ra ra. i do think drinking is an emotional issue for me and to do with my personality and issues rather than a 'i like getting hammered' thing. i actually don't even like getting really drunk and rarely do it. i'm more the little and often but it all adds up and becomes dodgy.

what really scares me about not drinking is not being able to medicate away the feelings i realise i use it to stuff down.

"How fucked up is this thinking? It has NOTHING to do with crystal glassware and a good meal. It's cheap White or cider full of artificial sweeteners that I literally force down and quite often these days retch after doing so. It's drug abuse and so far from what a normal drinker does I can hardly believe it." If you're thinking like this then you are MORE than ready to go cold turkey - if you want to. Believe me, when you are at the point you're at, cutting down is much harder than stopping. Have you considered AA or similar as a coping strategy?

Wallowed you've just brought tears to my eyes. I could have written that. I'm realising what it is that makes me drink. I've lived with anxiety all my life and I'm only fully realising it now. I grew up surrounded by it and feeling it and it's stayed with me. I am almost always on edge, worried and thinking, just thinking too much. The drinking helps me to relax and to "get out of my head", literally. I don't aim to get totally bladdered, but drinking does stop the constant negative thoughts, ruminating, guilt, and feelings of grief and anger and regret over things that have happened (although it doesn't stop them for long...) I was completely self-medicating and I never could just 'be'. I've been drinking a hell of a lot less the last couple of months and I'm recognising alcohol to be the lying poison that it is. It promises to make me feel better (and it does for a little while) but afterwards it makes me feel so much worse. Not just physically, but mentally too. Whilst I have spent years dwelling on things, it's only now I'm beginning to untangle it all and start to make sense of everything that has happened. And that making sense of why I am how I am is making me feel so much more accepting of myself and positive and I can even feel a little bit of self-esteem developing :)

Mind you, although I'm drinking so much less booze now my kitchen cupboards are worrying me slightly - I have tea to relax me, to invigorate me, to calm me, tea to help me sleep and coffee for when I need an real pick-me-up etc etc...jeez, why can't I have a drink just cos it tastes nice?

This is all very "me, me, me" isn't it? Sorry. I find this thread so helpful though and part of why I've been able to cut down my drinking so much is knowing that there are other people who struggle with this too. That I'm not just a nutter or a lost cause. Hearing people's successes and struggles helps me no end, as I know it does loads of people. Thank you again JWN for starting this. Enjoy your holiday!!

Leather well done on cutting down so much! I'm sure the sleep will improve. Mine has, definitely, although it did take a few days.

Blossom hope you're really boingy today! Well done for ignoring your husband! That must be extra tough.

MrsJH how good is it when you wake up and you realise you didn't drink at all the night before? Better feeling than the actual drinking!

Piranha I hope you're feeling suitably pleased with yourself for not giving in last night? It's harder when you have a stressful evening like you did, so I hope you're feeling proud.

Bproud wow, your story really is inspiring. It sounds like you feel bloody brilliant! Well done.

Fairenuff I'm loving hearing about your experience and advice etc. Do people comment on how much you've changed? Are you open about your drinking etc? I haven't told anyone (apart from you lovely people obviously!).

Essay over.

Today I will not be drinking

x

Sorry, MIFLAW didn't mean to ignore you then. Just goes to show how long it takes me to write a post!

I just wish I could articulate my feeling as so many of you do. All I know is reading your posts help me realise so many things. Alcohol has just become such a part of my life a coping mechanism to mask my insecurities. Been drinking far too much for far too long, since my teens and now in my mid 40's. I worry this going to kill me, if the booze doesn't the fags will. I looked in the mirror this morning (whilst putting on a bit of slap, don't know why I bothered as no one will see me today) and thought how old and tired a look, my skin looks horrible, it actually made me feel really sad. I need to find the confidence to go to party without company of my comfort blanket, is this ever going to possible?, could I possibly have sex without with a good tipple to relax me (sorry tbi, hope that is ok) It fair to say I am just sick and tired not being able to enjoy anything without imbibing, is this possible?. I think it was watching my dp nearly kill himself earlier this year and going on complete benders, that made me realise hoe evil drink can be. Funnily enough at the time I actually cut my drinking down but past month has been pretty terrible. Sad thing I even retch when taking the first couple of drinks, don?t even like the taste but it is a means to an end. Sorry I feel selfish and ranting again.

Silly (not so silly obviously) rings so many bells, you seem to be doing really well though
leather I think I slept well because I was just completely knackered, so much of a better sleep that was no alcohol induced. Did a Pilates class, maybe that is the answer. And no I not really sure my relationship is going to survive, I need to find some inner strength to handle it. Are you with anyone by the way I did not see mention or dp or H, or maybe I missed it
MrsJ glad you are feeling a little better
wallow the same your post rings so many bells

oh blossom I have a husband. He's a drinker too and we are rubbish but I think he wants to stop now too. We've always drunk together. its what we do. I wonder what the glue will be without it sometimes but we have got so bad that we exist these days in our own worlds and it is no longer a social lubricant of any kind. Im either silent or talking non stop nonsense. there is no laughter the way there used to be.

I hope your marriage will survive blossom - you need to look after you regardless though

Ahh... fear and guilt - those two old friends!

There can be so much in our upbringing and personal histories that takes us round and round that cycle.What I've found is that alcohol may appear to give us some respite, but it never ever helps us get out of that cycle, and it actually adds another dimension, so in addition to exisitng feelings of fear and guilt, we feel guilty about drinking and fear that we won't actually be able to cope without it. Makes it worse, not better.

I was brought up in an evironment where praise/approval was for being a 'good' girl, and when I wasn't good and the approval was withdrawn, I also imagined that love was withdrawn (even though I am now sure that it wasn't - think how you still love your own dc even when they are driving you up the wall). So I tried to model myself as being 'good' while inside I knew I was 'bad'. I knew I was bad because I sometimes had wicked thoughts, I wanted to steal money, I upset my parents and made my Mum sad and disappointed. I masturbated. I ate biscuits when I shouldn't have. I told lies. I particularly told lies if I thought that people would find out that I was 'bad'.

I grew up thinking that I was wrong, and that I needed to be 'fixed'.

Actually now I'm playing around with a different set of beliefs - that I'm OK just as I am. I don't need 'fixed'.

Of course that doesn't mean that I've suddenly become perfect. I'm not the perfect mother, daughter, wife, lover, whatever. But that is OK. I'm OK just as I am. And that doesn't mean that nothing will change. I feel free to change things, not because I'm bad and I need to be better, but because I want to change some things.

I'm still the same person as I was before, I still did all those things that I thought were wrong. The only thing that has changed is that I'm daring to play around with the idea that I'm fine and lovable as I am (and I can even dare to love myself a little).

So what of fear and guilt? Well I can acknowledge things that I have done (and continue to do) that are not nice, or that cause hurt to other people, but it has stopped defining me as a 'bad' person. I used always to be scared that I'd NEVER be good enough, that however much I could pull the wool over people's eyes, I knew inside that I wasn't good. That fear has got much littler.

It may all be gobbledy-gook, but it's a more effective way of me 'getting out of my head' than alcohol was.

leather I could have written that. I know that unless he can also get a handle on this then our relationship will not survive, I just hate him everytime he cracks open yet another bottle, his physical appearance has also suffered. I know what you mean about your own world

blossom I'm not the party animal on here, so if you want to ask about alcohol free partying, you may have to wait until JWN comes back from her holiday - but I know from her other posts that she LOVES it.

But we have had quite a few posts about the delights of sober sex. And I do mean 'delights'. No more 'taking the edge off' and hoping for a dulled down orgasm eventually, but full physical, mental and emotional engagement in what's happening. Now that really is worth a couple of sober days

Unless of course you're using alcohol to take the edge off the horror of sex with a partner you don't want to be with. I've done that in the past and it does need dealt with.

Venu I am no party animal, LOL Just wish I could have have the confdence to face social siutation stone cold sober

blossom don't hate him if its always been your way together - you are reaching the point where you want to stop a little earlier than him and he will mourn the drinking buddy if he's not in that place yet. I don't condone what he's doing at all but I do know what its like to not want to face the fact that things need to change. It makes it doubly hard for you but in the end it isn't him that is making you drink he's just not stopping you. But he couldnt do that anyway. I tell you what will help is watching him retching and reeling when you are sober.

Leather I hate him for being so weak, after the suicide attemps he was give AD's. therapy so much hand holding from everyone. Drink used to work for him but in his own words it just stopped working for him and was making him miserable, it still is. He tells me he wants to cut down, so let us see what happens. He one of the those people that has to drink till he is unable to stand or talk, makes a complete fool of himself @ social gatherings and does and says many things he regrets. But as we all know he has to be responsible for his drinking. What you said earlier is true for many years it has been our glue, when that is taken away let us see, I am actually very confused about my feeling for him , so again sorry for the rant.

Hi, I'm back on day 3 again after a very stupid and boozy weekend. At least I know now why I was so grumpy and in some much pain last week. I've just been diagnosed with arthritis. I hurt all over; all my joints seem to be swollen and inflammed and I'm feel like I'm cracking every time I move anything.

At this stage, I'd give anything to be pain free and to feel happy and energetic again. I am so very tempted to drown my sorrows again but I know that drinking isn't going to help me any.

Sorry for the "me, me, me" post but I'm on my own in the house, bawling my eyes out.

Theala there is something about the shock of a diagnosis (even if it was expected) that can completely floor us. It's a bugger.

But you will come to terms with it, and you will learn new ways in which you can cope with it. And you are right, drowning your sorrows (especially with red wine) is not going to help.

And bawling your eyes out is fine. I do that, we all do that. It is our body's fantastic way of dealing with sadness and upset.

that's true - about the crying.

i balled my eyes out to the last harry potter the other night and it was such a relief because i realised that despite having all sorts of stuff going on and feeling low and etc etc i hadn't actually properly cried for so long. the film obviously presented a safe channel for it and out it all flowed.

then last night 'oh, the places you'll go' nearly made me cry when i was reading it to ds

i'm really sorry about your diagnosis, at least with knowing you should be able to get some help treating it and stuff now. think it's normal to grieve over a diagnosis though and the losses that can come with it. you will regain your cool and find resources but for now it's ok to cry - think of the endorphines.

bawled!