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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 21/10/2011 22:15

Feel so scared now, I don't want him here any more, wish he would go , if only, hope he goes sleep x

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:19

Whatever you do, DON'T tell him the result of the test yet.

Be brave, keep strong, and KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

If he threatens you in any way call the police - 999.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:22

There's always people around these boards even in the wee small hours and Women's Aid are available 24/7 - freephone 0808 2000 247 or 808 2000 247 from a mobile (calls will be charged).

Original poster
yellowtang · 21/10/2011 22:28

Izzy I'm so scared thankyou, I won't tell him, I just want him out

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 21/10/2011 22:32

I don't want to go through this,I don't want to turn the tv over , I'm hiding my phone if he comes down , hiding it all because he won't like it

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:34

Don't be scared, honey, and don't give into him. Think of tonight and this weekend as MAKE OR BREAK.

If he goes into one or threatens you in ANY WAY don't hesitate to call the police. You've got the dc around - some of them are old enough to call 999 and I seem to recall that you mentioned 2 relatives living a few doors away?

You're not alone.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 22:36

Fuck what he likes! From now on it's going to be about what YOU like - and if he doesn't like it, he can sling his hook.

Original poster
yellowtang · 21/10/2011 22:40

Ok your right , I know I can do this

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 21/10/2011 23:19

It's really tragic that he's jealous of your dd & your relationship and wants to intervene and get between you. Sad

izzywhizzysfritenite · 21/10/2011 23:36

Behind every abusive manipulative bully is a pathetic amoeba, a veritable jelly of cowardice and delusion.

He'll cling on to his old controlling ways like a limpet - get the pressure washer out and hose him away once and for all.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 22/10/2011 09:27

He doesn't like you brushing your DD's hair?! Please stop telling yourself he is a good dad because he bloody well isn't. He is teaching your dcs a very warped version of what relationships are about. Fair enough he's a provider. He can still provide for them without abusing you.

You are in an abusive relationship here.

Please consider calling women's aid, they were really helpful when I called.
I also spoke to someone at the local refuge and it was hugely helpful to hear an 'expert' confirm my fears and be supportive.

I'm glad you are still posting and you are still listening. I so remember that feeling of sick fear in pit of your stomach as you realise just how much you are walking on eggshells. I'm glad you saw through his pathetic token manipulation of flowers.

Take care of yourself, delete any computer history and if you can do a keypad pin on your phone then do so.

Original poster
yellowtang · 22/10/2011 16:13

He's lost it, he's been helpful all morning, but he's flipped his lid, don't want him here anymore x

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 16:23

I didn't think it would take much before he went into one.

In what way has he flipped? Has he threatened you?

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:33

yellowtang, you are in over your head, you are in serious trouble.

Get a bag together, just in case, call WA and start to look at escape routes.

Original poster
yellowtang · 22/10/2011 16:36

He's pushed my head into the mirror,Im shocked he's got so angry over nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 22/10/2011 16:38

I don't know where he's gone

OP posts:
clam · 22/10/2011 16:39

You OK, yellowtang?

Keep posting. We're here for you...

Original poster
yellowtang · 22/10/2011 16:40

I'm ok ,shocked , he's not done that before

OP posts:
izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 16:42

You may not know where he's gone, honey, but you know he'll be back.

CALL THE POLICE NOW - when the uniformed officers turn up, tell them what he's done to you today, tell them you're scared of him and of what he might do when he comes back, and tell them you want to be referred to the police domestic violence unit.

This is your chance to have him kept out of your home - PLEASE don't waste it because you may not get another one.

clam · 22/10/2011 16:44

What prompted this?
I know you felt he was working up to something, feeling ignored by you (not saying that this is justified, by the way!!) but what made him choose to go over the edge?

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 16:46

Once you reported what he's done to you to the police and have told them that you're terrified of what he may do to you/the dc when he comes back, they'll red flag your address and will respond urgently if you call them again later today or tomorrow.

Honey, this may be your only opportunity to stay in your home without him. PLEASE PLEASE call the police now. And call Women's Aid freephone 0808 2000 247 or 808 2000 247 from a mobile (calls will be charged).

How are the dc? Did they witness what he did to you?

izzywhizzysfritenite · 22/10/2011 16:51

He's flipped because he knows he's losing control of yellowtang claim and now he's showing his true colours.

Whatever he might say, he doesn't love yellowtang or the dc - the only reason there are so many dc is that he sees each one as a another ball and chain that keeps yellowtang shackled to him and trapped in the prison that is her home.

Now that the jailer has left the prison, it's up to yellowtang to ensure that he doesn't get back in and she can do this today with the help of the police.

Original poster
yellowtang · 22/10/2011 16:52

Babies teething , won't sleep but fell to sleep on me so I didn't want to put him down, so he's been up and down of the sofa with the youngest two, he's just lost it,

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:53

CALL THE POLICE. CALL THEM NOW AND GET THEM TO COME OUT.

You need to report this. You need to do this to prevent him harming you again. Without a paper trail, you will never get him removed from the house.

What caused this is irrelevant, that can be pontificated over when the non-mol order is grated and OP is safe.

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:54

this is the most dangerous time yellowtang, I did warn you, you need to be brave and ruthless in protection of your DC. If not for YOU, for them.

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