Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

What do you need us to tell you to do what needs to be done?

That he could kill you, AND the DC? it's possible!

Is he out of the house? Can you bolt the front and back doors so that he can't get in?

You must be brave and CALL THE POLICE NOW as there's no knowing what he might do when he returns - and no matter how apologetic he might be when he comes back, the violent outburst he's had today is going to happen over and over if you don't live your life the way he tells to you.

Please call the police and have him removed from the house, for your protection and for that of your children. They can and will help.

Sorry I don't know where he is, he must have gone out babies ok ds3 herd him he's upset I have pushed him to far x

You' HAVEN'T pushed him too far - HE PUSHED YOUR FACE INTO A MIRROR BECAUSE HE'S AN EXPERT AT CONTROLLING YOU BUT HE CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF..

Are you going to call the police or are you going to wait until he pushes your head through a glass window?

If your friend had phoned you up and said that her "D"P had pushed her face into a mirror would you try to excuse his behaviour by saying it was her fault for pushing him too far?
Sorry if this has already been said but there are plenty of us on here with experience of violent and controlling men and we all started off in the same mindset as you.
No-one can decide that this is unacceptable except you. That is where change begins.
PLEASE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE. They will help.

Does it seem to have happened too quickly? Do you feel that you need to give him more chances to physically harm you so that you can convince yourself that you ARE a victim of domestic violence - even though we've been telling you for the last week that you have suffered domestic violence EVER SINCE YOU MET HIM?

Are you feeling guilty because of what you wrote last night: I don't want him here any more, wish he would vanish , maybe the witches on haloween will take him, if only

Honey, you have no need to feel guilty and you should be REJOICING that the witches have heard your wish and have given you the means to get him gone before Halloween.

Calling the police will NOT make things worse: calling them now will be the first step in making them one hell of a lot better for you and the dc.

How long would they keep him out for? What would happen when he's out? It's a joint mortgage so he's got rights to be here? Can anyone give me a bit of advice on where I stand with him please?

Is he at home at the moment?

Your first step is to phone the police NOW, report what he did to you earlier today, tell them you're terrified of what he might do when he returns,and ask the uniform officers to refer your complaint to the domestic violence unit.

If he's not in the house, the police won't go looking for him but they'll tell you to call them again when he comes home.

When/if they call again, they will either take him to the police station to be charged or tell him to find somewhere else to stay until matters can be resolved - of course you must say that you do not want him in the house as you do not feel safe with him.

A worker from the police domestic violence unit will contact you, or you can ring Women's Aid and explain that the police have removed him from the house.

WA will allocate a worker to your case and she will help you through all the legal and other processes - she'll put you in touch with a solicitor who can apply for an emergency non-molestation Order which means he'll be served notice by the Court not to come within so many yards of you/the house and he will face legal consquences if he breaks the Order.

The solicitor will also apply for an occupation Order giving you the right to remain in the house with the dc until further notice/a full hearing.

During the time that the Orders are in force - which may be 6 months or a year - you'll have the opportunity to take stock and communicate with him through solicitors to work out longer term issues such as child support, his contact with the dc etc.

All you need to do is phone the police NOW and you will receive all the help you need.

PLEASE don't minimise what he did to you earlier today. What he's done is just a small taste of what he can - and WILL - do if you don't kowtow to him.

Please don't blame yourself because, no matter what he says, you are not to blame for the situation you find yourself in.

The situation you find yourself in is NOT of your making - he's made it and he'll do everything to keep you imprisoned and in awe of him.

Maybe you're thinking 'it's all very well for them to say that, they don't know him'. We don't need to know him personally be we KNOW about men like him and what they are capable of.

Are you thinking 'maybe I did push him too far', 'maybe I did come on a bit strong trying to show him that I want some freedom', 'maybe he's got a point and it's not unfair for him to want everything in his home running like clockwork, 'maybe I've been unreasonable in expecting him to change overnight, maybe using physical force on me has given him pause for thought, maybe now he's gone that far he will change if I just give him another chance?

If you're thinking any of the above STOP RIGHT NOW. This man has systematically crushed your spirit and trodden you into the ground over many years. If you show weakness now he'll make it his business to break your spirit completely.

You have a golden opportunity to change your own and your dcs' lives for the better. Grab this opportunity with both hands and start the ball rolling by calling the police NOW.

Yellowtang there are steps that can be taken to keep him away from you and the dcs and you need to call the police and set the ball rolling. He knows he is losing his grip on you and that your mind is starting to clear and he will be desperate to put you back in your place. It could have been so much worse and if you stay even another day longer in this situation it really could be so much worse.

Yes, it could get much worse yellowtang. Please listen to all the women on your thread who are experienced in this. He has hit you for the same reason he hit his ex - he knows he is losing control of you. He knew the moment he started losing control of you - that is scarey.

As others are saying, this is the most dangerous time. if you talk to WA you don't have to give your last name - they are there to help, advise, support. However, I think you need the police to know what has just happened, and that you are frightened of him. You need the police on your side.

Everyone is right when they say that your dc will end up behaving like him - exactly like him - or marrying someone exactly like him - if you stay. Your children need to see you take control of your life, they need to see you stop him controlling you. Did they see the mirror incident?

It wasn't your fault, you didn't 'push him'. He wants total control back and is hitting you to get it back.

Just to add - these days, the police have had a lot of training about domestic abuse (which is what is happening to you) and know how to handle it. They are skilled in how they handle it, especially in how to keep you and dc safe.

As for the logistics, money etc, you'll find all that out in due time re who owns what (womens aid will be able to give you a lot of info about the practicalities eg legal, financial) - you won't end up on the streets, no way!

Many, many women have done what you are doing (me included). We did it though we thought it was impossible, couldn't see how it would possibly work. It takes just a week or two of them being GONE to feel normal again. It is so sweet OP - unbelievable!

Thanks for all the support tonight, I rang the police after he threatened me, he's been arrested , just wanted to say thanks I wouldn't of done it without the help on here x

Did he threaten you again after he came back to the house? Have you been in touch with Women's Aid?

He said not to go sleep as I won't wake up, he pushed me x

I'm sure I'm speaking for everyone who's responded to your post in saying that I am so relieved that you have got him out of the house rather than you having to sneak out with 7 dc + luggage and suffer all of the upheaval of trying to get back into your home.

I know you've been praying that he'd go and it seems that the universe has answered you in royal fashion.

Well done, honey. Stay strong and stay brave for your dc.

Has he been arrested for assaulting you earlier or for pushing you?

How are the dc? Did they sleep through it?

Dc fine arrested for common asult I think, I'm scared because he's not going to let me go that easily,don't know what to tell the dc? X

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered as there aren't so many people around at this hour. Well done for calling the police! Have you called Women's Aid yet? 0808 2000 247 - they might be able to talk through with you what you tell the children. Or any friends or family you can talk to?

well done yellowtang. That was a brave and difficult thing to do.

Yellow, how are you? Well done for calling the police. Please keep posting, we are here to support you. If you are awake, use the time to think about what sort of life you and DC deserve. Please do not concern yourself with him. He has trained you to put his needs above your own. Anytime you find yourself feeling concerned for him or guilty, think of your children. You ALL deserve to live freely. Remember YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG in calling the police. Quite the opposite in fact

yellowtang, this is not about HIM letting you go, this is about YOU taking YOU back. He has no rights over YOU. You are your OWN person. He doesn't OWN you, even if he thinks he does.

Every organisation in the world will work to keep HIM away from you if that is what YOU want. He can't treat you like this. Take every bit of RL support you can get, call WA, go see the CAB, ask the Police for contact with their DV dept, ask a Doctor/HV for support, stop the secrets, let the light of good and support help you banish this monster of darknesss, secrets and control.