Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

WA help women who have suffered or are suffering from domestic violence and that includes emotional and financial abuse as well as physical abuse - I can assure you that you more than qualify for their help and support, honey.

Also please note that rape is not only physcial abuse, it is also a criminal offence.

You can call the freephone 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247 - if you call from a mobile the number is 808 2000 247 and the call will be charged at your network provider's usual rate.

Womens Aid help women in all types of abusive relationships and you are certainly in an abusive relationship here. Your own dysfunctional childhood was a gift for such a man to get his claws into you and I still think you were deliberately targetted by him purely because you were easier to manipulate and control:(.

Do not enter into any joint counselling arrangement with him. This is because of the ongoing abuse meted out by him, any decent counsellor worth their salt would never counsel the two of you together. Abusive men often manipulate sessions and make it all out of be the controlled person's fault.

If you'd had a positive male role model in your life, it would undoubtedly have been very different - but you may not have had your dc.

If we don't want to live a life that's filled with regret and thoughts of 'if only', at some point we have to accept that 'it is what it is', learn from the past, and resolve to make a brighter future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Attila's right. He was a 26 year old man; you were an emotionally needy and impressionable 17 year old girl and he groomed you for his purposes.

He never saw 'you'. He saw what he could make you into. A creature to satisfy his lusts, his wants, his needs.

You may consider that having 7 dc makes it difficult for you to cut this man out of your life but, if you stay with him, how will you feel when your ds treat their partners the way their df has treated you and your dd form relationships with controlling and abusive men?

Just thinking of what ifs?? How could I walk out the door with all children if I stay I can not pay mortgage , I wish he would leave me, or give me a better reason to leave him , i just want whTs best for dc

I'm so used to being lead as to what to do, now this is all down to me.

Playing what ifs will get you nowhere so stop it!!!.

What is best for your DCs is for them to be no longer under your partner's daily malign influences. They are being controlled just as much as you are, also they're learning from both of you how relationships are conducted.

It is not too late for you now even after having 7 children by him. This was a cynical and calculated move on his part to keep you where you are.

Are there any happy endings to a controlling oh to change?

"I'm so used to being lead as to what to do"

Indeed you are and have been but there is always a way out and Womens Aid can point you towards that particular door marked EXIT. You do not have to remain under his control any more.

"Are there any happy endings to a controlling oh to change?"

That question can be answered in one word -no. The desire to control is too deeply rooted within his own pysche and he probably also came from a dysfunctional childhood background.

You need a better reason to leave him than the fact that he controls your every move, keeps you short of money, and rapes you on a regular basis?

You need a better reason to leave him than the fact that your dc are growing up with a warped view of what a relationship between a man and a woman should be, and that they will duplicate this in their future relationships with the opposite sex?

You need a better reason to leave him than the fact when your 7 dc hav dc of their own variations of the abuse you have suffered will be handed down to your grandchildren and perpetuated through generations?

People can only change their ways, their habits, their opinions, their views, if they want to.

He doesn't want to change and he sees no reason why he should.

Just feel I should give him a chance and if he doesn't change then I can say I did all I could and I couldn't of done anymore I will know I have tried my best,izzy I don't see he rapes me there was no force he just manages to change my mind some how x

Put him to the test; every single time he says or does something that you feel is controlling, pull him on it - and I do mean every single time with no let up.

And follow it through by going out when you want, going on the net when you want, going to bed when you want, and not kowtowing to him when he wants to have sex.

You'll need nerves of steel and a will of iron but, if you follow through relentlessly, you may stand a slim chance of making him realise that you mean business and that you're no longer his willing slave.

However, the chances are that if you keep it up long enough he'll snap and threaten you - in which case you should call the police and have him removed from the house.

I'm not forgetting what he's done, and I won't forget , I have to know it's the right choice , because I will always wonder what if he had of changed and I didn't give him a chance and I mean a chance for the dc to have a dad x

I have a feeling your right to Hun and I really mean that, I know he has a nasty streak and I know the last few days he's biting his tounge x

Honey, calling Women's Aid won't commit you to anything - just give them a ring and talk to someone who'll understand exactly what you're going through, and who can advise you on what you may be entitled to claim in terms of benefits, child support, etc., if you leave him.

And please resist the temptation to feel sorry for him. He may not have the insight that you've recently acquired, but that doesn't excuse what he's done, and what he's doing, to you and the dc.

This isn't a man who's got a kindly nature at heart and has become controlling and abusive because he doesn't know any better, is it?

This isn't a man who's willing to understand where he's gone wrong and how he can make amends to you and the dc.

This is a man who enjoys being the way he is and who enjoys abusing and controlling you and the dc.

Just wanted to say thankyou to all posting today , it's all going in , he's come home with flowers I can see through it x

cut flowers? that will die? for all THIS hurt?

not taking no for an answer, convincing you against your wishes? RAPE

refusing to use birth control, ejaculating and keeping you PG? SEXUAL ABUSE

Scary you are right, tonight my dd asked me to brush her hair, I did bit I could feel him becoming uncomfortable , little signs that he wanted me to stop, I didn't then she did my hair, I wouldn't normally because he wouldn't like it , got to be quick he's gone off upstairs in a marry, he said I have interacted with everyone else but not him and he wanted us to go up stairs I said no was going to watch tv , I know he's going to come down soon read like a book , stomach is churning but this ant right, I carmt be a mum to my dd because he feels left out, I didn't know I was holding back with my dc, don't want to go bed, how do I get out this shit? X

I bought shop test after I got the dc from school, it's positive but I'm really not worried about it now, feeling I need some rl help x

Feel so scared now, I don't want him here any more, wish he would vanish , maybe the witches on haloween will take him away , if only, hope he goes sleep x