Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Hi honey you don't sound well, could you put the tv on abit to calm them down or something and call a friend / doctor. Look after yourself the kids will be fine. Think you need to call someone though. You don't live in the SW do you? Am thinking of you xx

No I'm not in sw
The worst part is my lovely mother is very close by and she knows most of it
She wants him to come back
Their relationship, I neaver liked tbh
She like his accumplicec
That's why I so want to move away x

Mode: mother hen/ I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and various others have said too, pink being the latest, please get yourself checked by the Dr, you need to be physically well to cope with all this. /end mode

Ok I will x

As your dm is not posting here, it isn't possible to ascertain where she's coming from or what her mindset is.

However, what is clear is that she split from your df and spent some years in an abusive relationship with another man when you were a child.

Although she may not have had any further live-in relationships since she left the man who most probably abused you as well as her, it may be that the abuse she suffered was more overt and, as you have not presented with the more recognisable symptoms of abuse - black eyes, bruises and worse - she may not understand that you are a victim of abuse in the same way that she once was.

I suspect that she's been taken in by him just as you were. If you read your OP you'll see that you described him as a man who works hard and good father, spends all his money on the house, etc.

You lived with him for 14+ year during which time you didn't see him for what he is; what chance do others have of seeing the true nature of the man behind the mask? It's probable that he's bamboozled your dm just as he did you.

It may be that she thinks that you've had a 'tiff' that's got out of hand and that you will be reconciled. She may feel that she daren't 'slag him off' because if you get back together, you may hold that against her and be resentful that she criticised him.

She may be concerned that you won't be able to manage 7 dc on your own and, believing that he's all the things you described in OP, she may feel that the dc need their df to provide for them and keep them in order.

In addition, if she is one of the relatives that live in a property that he owns, she may be anxious not to rock the boat for fear of losing the roof over her head.

At the present time moving away is not an option for you. You are best advise to put those thoughts out of your head as you will only be adding to your sense of frustration at the 'not knowing' the eventual outcome of breaking free of him which won't be resolved until your solicitor/the Courts have determined what happens regarding the property you currently live in.

As he's cranking it up in his attempts to continue to fuck with your head it may be that, if it is in his power to give your dm notice to quit, this will be one of his ploys and it could be that it's your dm who moves away rather than yourself and the dc.

In the meantime, I suggest you enlist your dm's services in purely practical matters such as helping to ferry the dc around without a car. Is there any chance that she could take dd1 to football practice and the like?

They are between baby age and 14 I think shineone.

YT, I'm worried about this from yesterday-

From waking up it's been a bad day
Post from this morning I was in bits
Fish tank playing up
Party
Mum being total shit
His sisters oh demanding his stuff
Him taking the car from his dc
Him taking dc and coming back unsettled
And Theres loads more x
I feel so down

and then later

I'm letting him, and when he's done he walks away..

did you mean what I think it says? Or talking about just in general?
Please can you tell us so people can help. Maybe if he did worm his way back in and have sex with you (although you feeling you 'let him') he should no way have done that!

He shouldn't be near you, phoning your dd etc. I am worried if this is the case you might right now be feeling guilty that it is your fault or something, and don't want to say in case we all think you've not 'been strong' or something.

It's not the case.

You must understand, honey, that he's going to use every trick in the book because he is dead set on getting his feet back under the table.

When it comes to getting his own way, he's ruthless. And you are going to have to grow some and be even more heartless than he is in order to ensure the future welfare and well-being of yourself and the dc.

He'll wage a war of attrition because, even though you feel shaky and uncertain, for the first time in your relationship with him the power is in YOUR hands. YOU call the shots - not him, and that's eating away at him and driving him mad with frustration.

Dc are 14 12 10 8 5 2 5 months

Izzy my dm doesn't drive , but yes I think i need to keep a distance emotionally from x

And that you mentioned he had got worse since the court letter. Are you worried that further orders may make him worse again and that's why you maybe son't want to ask for help?

I can see it mist be so hard especially with your mother being on his side also his sister. He's got all the vehicles and all the support!! And you seem to be alone, it's crazy. It's like you're cornered and you really need to reach out..also to help you get perspective in this I really hope you can..iff all fails you could all pile in a taxi to the nearest A&E / Walkin centre and make them notice you!!

You may even get a safe house as you are under threat I don't know.

Sorry if that's not sound advice but what I would do..you don't sound safe where you are.

sorry for typos child on lap was going to say if you were nearby I'd come round.

I have to go out now but will be back later. Hope didn't sound too OTT. (()) to you

Hi pink
I didn't let him in last night no nothing like that
I ment I felt so venerable last night, he's still using me for his enjoyment by playing with my head itms
He was on the corner looking at the house, he was around for a bit , trying to scare me I think, I feel I carnt protect
Myself from him still messing with my head
It neaver seems enough reason to press the alarm x

Ah oh I'm sorry..I'm glad though he didn't come in!

It's like he's getting closer and it is scary. Others may know better but could you note down times/days he' lurking and tell the solicitor..xx

His police bail conditions dictate that he is not meant to 'be around'. He is not meant to be ANYWHERE NEAR the house or you.

The panic button has been installed because you are deemed 'high risk' This means that if you see him where he isn't meant to be, you should either press the button or call the police.

This man has no boundaries and he is going to continually push any that are set on him.

Also it may be enough to press the button if you can see him near you home I would have thought.

Your dm may not be a driver, but presumably she could take at least some of the dc on a bus or help you getting all of them on and off a bus if necessary?

Your 2 eldest dc can no doubt supervise the 8 & 10 year olds while you manage the 3 youngest if you need to use public transport.

One word of caution - if you prevail on your dm to babysit at any time, don't leave her in your home alone with the dc as I wouldn't trust her not to let him or any other of his relatives into the house in your absence.

Funny that izzy, she won't lock the front door if I go out, she keeps it open

Right. He's breaking bail in numerous ways. He is not allowed by law to stand on the corner looking at the house. He is not allowed by law to ring DD1. I'd be surprised if he's allowed to take the car - you're the one with 7 kids to ferry around!

Remember you can ring Womens Aid at any time. If you're scared of the police, ask them to help.

Go on, they were nice to you before right? Call 'em :)

Forget the housework for now! xx

Garlicbread thanks , I'm not sure why he's not allowed to contact dd1?

because contact Dd allows him to contact you.
I notice he always seems to crank it up at the weekend, when he thinks your support network is at its lowest. Have you spoken to Wa recently?

You said his bail conditions are not to contact you directly or indirectly or to come near the house. Talking to the kids is contacting you indirectly. They are minors and he's using them as conduits to you.

I should think that swiping the car could be construed as contacting you indirectly, too! If you won't talk to the police, then PLEASE call WA if only for advice.

Hugs'n'stuff.

Are you still shaky? Any signs of a temperature? Eat more than one banana!

He is not allowed to contact you and, as you have been assessed as being at 'high risk' of further abuse, it is not in the best interests of the dc to have unsupervised contact with him - no matter what he wants or what you may think to the contrary.

Until such time as a Court says otherwise, YOU call the shots regarding his contact with the dc and to this end your solicitor has written to him stating that all contact must be made through her offices - your solicitor would not have taken this step if it was outside of the law for her to do so.

Now that your solicitor has made the position clear, you MUST follow through because if this goes to the wire in a Court of Law he will do everything in his power to undermine your case against him.

If you don't stand firm and follow your solicitor's instructions regarding contact, he'll use it against you. Your lawyers will be arguing for supervised contact at set times while his will be able to say that he's continued to have unsupervised contact with the dc whenever he wants and there's no reason why that shouldn't continue.

His intention in giving a phone to dd1 is to have a direct line to what you are up to and to not so subtly remind you that he's not 'gone away'. Dd1's only 12, and it's not fair that she's being manipulated by him to do his bidding in the same way that he taught you to say 'how high' when he said 'jump'.

If you don't put an end to his contact with the dc now you'll be shooting yourself in the foot - and that's what he's counting on because he is still under the illusion that he can control you and the dc and continue to get his own way.