Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Have just read the whole thread
I hope you are ok tonight, and that you are managing to eat and get some rest
My thoughts are with you, you have been so strong - I just want to give you a big hug!

X

He's told dd1 he carnt take her because hes to busy so I arranged another parent to take her, now him and his sister are going to watch her play Amazing

I just want to take the phone from her.
He's not having the dc and driving around in the family car, it was a joint loan that paid for it.

Im so fed up And I'm still shaking Please tell me this isn't going to get worse because I carnt take much more
Tried to contact my support worker, I think it's been two weeks now since I spoke to her
My heads full of what ifs again today
X

Good idea to contact support worker. Do whatever you can to get help.

Try to use that support network to help you get him away from you. I found also with my xh that he just messed with my head when there was too much contact. If you can get your head around it can you try and think about two or three practical steps you can take to make things easier.

So sad that you are in this position. But one step at a time, you are a wonderful mum and doing so well.

I have no experience myself about what you are going through but he IS reaming his bail conditions. If you have a panic button and he comes. Lose you have a right to use it.
Keep a log of everything and there is no reason why you cannot remove dd1's phone but explain to her why you must do this.
With SS and woman's aid you should be able to limit his visits to a contact centre. Remember YOU have no no need of a relationship with him.

Should I let police know about him communicating through dd1. ?

Yes you should, do it now, please. x

You need him to stop these games, he needs to start paying some respect to the law. x

What lesson is he teaching your dc's when he ignores what the police have said?

Yes, you should tell the police about his contact/grooming of DD1. She is also being manipulated to get back at you for having the gall in his mind to leave him. All that he is doing is textbook from the manual in how to control and manipulate others.

You did absolutely the right thing in leaving this person; he is one of the most dangerous and controlling abusers I have ever read about on these pages.

He will stop at nothing, he is a dangerous individual and you must employ every legal means at your disposal. Such men do not let go of their victims (i.e you and your children) at all easily.

Hi again please could you try and phone the police? Even 999...

Ok thankyou
I know he's going to do anything he can to get at / upset me now he knows it's over, after solicitors letter
I feel like he can still do so much to me, feel so venerable I suppose
X

He's not here now so don't see how I could ring 999 not inlesss he came here
Feel he might even take dd1 after football
What do I say to the police? I carnt see the wood for the trees today

Isn't all of this (the grooming, coming round, going off with the car) going to reflect very badly on him when it comes to court / lawyers? Maybe might be good to keep that in mind, he's hardly helping himself (in some ways!) is he?

Honey, tell them about the bail order, he's broken it and come round, tell them he's forced sex on you, raped you (if he has of course I thought that's what you said last night "I let him...and he walks away..." Tell them he's taken the car leaving you vulnerable, about the panic button and not sure whether to use it..basically make them aware o the seriousness of the situation say you're 'high risk' for protection. Tell them you are very worried he might do something regarding picking up your eldest daughter or yourself, you have seven children and need protection, urgently. You could also mention the MC making you more vulnerable if you wanted.

Then, if anything were to happen, you'd have informed them, so in a way, they know all about it and would be responsible in a way.

That's what I'd do anyway (((big hugs this morn wish could make you a cuppa)))

Didn't he come to yours last night? Sorry if I got that bit wrong xx

Yellow, hi, not posted before so sorry if I'm butting in.

I'm just concerned as you're mentioning shaking and wondering if it may be a result of your mc? A few years ago I had a terminantion and had to go for a D&C (dialate and curettage) which is a proceedure to ensure that all tissue is removed after a recent pregnancy. This is also used following a miscarriage and is important to prevent infection.

My point is that if you are still bleeding and now shaking, I really feel you should see your gp as you might have an infection.

On a practical note, it is really important you look after yourself and stay as strong as possible. I find it hard enough looking after one LO when I'm under the weather, nevermind seven. So for their sake and yours, please try to see the gp.

When you're tired, ill and undernourished, you are going to be feeling vulnerable and will naturally be longing for someone to look after you and take some of the burden. This is going to be making it so hard to resist letting your X back in. But please try and think of where else you could turn for that support. How about that old school friend you mentioned? Could you invite her over for a cuppa and another heart to heart? Sounds like your support worker has been pretty unsupportive to me, with no contact in two weeks

If you can, read back your posts in the week following his arrest. You were strong and confident, determined and possitive. You had us in tears of happiness as you gave him two fingers while having a pizza party in the living room and had us laughing with joy at the lovely plastic crap you treated your ds to! I'm not saying that you shouldn't be feeling low and exhausted. Of course you will, as I expect the initial adrennalin is gone now and you are fighting a very hard battle. You are also likely to be grieving your relationship, and with your ex circling your home, it must be so hard to resist trying to stop the pain by letting him in. But I just wanted to remind you how strong you can be and to try to help you find that firey lioness inside who wont let anything bad happen to her cubs and wont take any shit from any sick-in-the-head controlling wanker.

Life will get easier, I promise. You now have the freedom to make your own decisions about how you run your home and bring up your children. You will look back on this and think 'Wow, that was hell and we survived it', and it will all be thanks to you taking this brave stance right now. So please look after yourself and try and get some support. xxxxxxxxxxx

PS Dont feel you have to reply, I would rather you had a cuppa and went back to bed xxx

YT, you can call the local police station and ask to speak to one of the DV police, tell them what has been going on, all of it, it needs to be documented, they will get him to back off I'm sure. x

If you got nowehere with the police (answerphone or something) you could try ringing an out of hours NHS Walk in centre, medical centre (or going there) They could see you with regards the shaking/ MC and you sould tell them about the other stuff too. Like I said I'm no expert but I think they would have contacts to other services too and might give them a kick up the bum in terms of seeing how bad this had really got, it would mean there was proper medical records of this happening and then that would be helpful in terms of court?

Or could you phone the solicitor? The one who's meant to be good. At least a friend. I don't like to think of you going through this alone.

Yes think needs to be recorded too.

for yellowtang, so hope you maybe have your friend there so you can make some calls, can completely understand how your thoughts must be muddled today it must be hard to think of anything with the little ones around. (I struggle just with 2)..

Thankyou pink
Tbh the boys are running riot
I'm feel to crap to move of this setti
I'm just eating banana trying me get some energy to go tackle dc/ house x

Don't worry about the house for now, it'll keep!! Try and rest. x

Aw, you must be shattered. Can't the house wait till tomorrow when some are at school? How about sticking them all in the garden and sitting out with a cuppa and enjoying some autumn sunshine, it lifts your spirits. You could do a picnic in the garden maybe? That'll minimise the mess hopefully. Glad to hear you're eating a bit, bananas are great. You could stick it in a bit of bread with some peanut butter and a glass of milk?
All quiet from ex today I hope.
Go easy on yourself YT, you're doing amazingly xx