Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

No I havnt, ringing wa lady tommorow to see the outcome of the meeting so can chat to her then she's been really nice I will talk to her x

X post izzyu

Hi yellowtang,

just read your thread and I think you are a blummin marvellous women. My mum left my dad when I was younger as he was not very nice (not as bad as your arse of an ex-P) and I am so so proud of her. Just thought I would let you know from a child's point of view. We had very little money when we were younger but I didn't care and now I have extremely high standards of what I expect in a partner as I completely believe that everyone should be highly respected and this is down to seeing my mum stick up for herself and battle against what must have been very difficult circumstances.

I appreciate that you must be having the hardest time in the world but if you take control of your life that is what your children will remember and they will be just as proud of you as I am of my mum (I bet they are already tbh ).

i agree with izzy, you have to think of the long game, even if it goes against what you think (as I am sure you are only thinking of the kids when it comes to maintaining contact with their dad) although personally I feel that contact with such a manipulative bully is not in their best interests.

I also second removing the phone from DD, and making sure that until this is sorted out to go no contact - you nor the kids. If SIL/your ex/anyone else who is pushing for a reconcilliation I would get your solicitor to write to them again to state that ALL correspondance is through her only, and no contact with your or DC until after it is sorted out legally.

Can you contact the police again that he is still trying to contact you. Maybe they need to let him know that it is being reported. Maybe they can do something about the car - after all you are on the loan agreement, he has a vehicle, if there is no contact with DC at the moment he has no use for it, and you have been left without one, against best interests of the children. I would be tempted to report it to them - all adds to the case against him, and shows how he is willing to disadvantage the kids to get at you.

and press that alarm everytime he comes near the house - the police are going to get mighty sick of him if they have to keep coming out, and may well not drop the court case if harrassment (which I believe is now a crime) is added to his list of assault

If you stop contact now you will have covered your back for the unlimited unsupervised contact he's had with the dc over the past 2 weeks.

Because of what he's done to you over the years and because of your fear of him, you didn't feel able to challenge him when he used his fuckwit dsis to manipulate you into allowing him to see any or all of the dc when he wanted to.

As you couldn't be sure when he'd receive the letter from your solicitor and, as you understandably don't want to make contact with him, you allowed him up to and including Sunday 6 November to have more or less free access to the dc away from your home.

From now on you must press that panic button any/every time you see him near your home because the only way to deal with his overstepping the boundaries is to have the police push him back across the line.

Don't worry yourself too much with thoughts about him making sure that no other man can have you; men like him are dangerous but they are cowards at heart and, despite any threats they may utter, they are rarely willing to endanger themselves by risking their freedom.

I know it must be really hard coping alone with 7 dc- I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to get in touch with something like Homestart- they offer a volunteer who helps families in difficult circumstances, they just give you support and a bit of a break, someone to talk to but will not get too involved, their website is

www.homestart.org.uk

Also, it might be good to refer yourself or through the health visitor to et some support from a social worker or through the children's centre. Their emphasis is on keeping children with their main carer and helping those who are 'at risk' (which they may be from YT's partner)

I know someone who self referred in this way and it was a huge support.

Sorry thiat's not the right link- it is

www.home-start.org.uk

Also what about your health visitor.

Hi pink thanks
I have seen my hv on Friday
We had long chat

OMG, read the thread before you post stupid comments like that, a sw you say????

A sw who obviously cant spell..... or is text speak ok in a professional opinion now?

Nettletea, a bug bear of mine too, supposedly intelligent 'professionals' who have no grasp of the basic English language....

Is sw short for stupid wanker, thetruthhurtsok?

If not, and if you are claiming to be a 'social worker', may I suggest you urgently seek vocational guidance because you are clearly in the wrong line of work and may cause unnecessary harm to your clients - especially if you write your reports in text speak.

Well said Izzy......

thetruth you truly are a ++++. And reported for it.

Keep strong OP. xxx

In that case it's obvious that whatever 'women like yellow tang' say to you is either falling on deaf ears or you're so up yourself that you don't choose to hear what they're saying, thetruthhurtsok

If you are, indeed, a social worker I have no hestation in saying that you are disgrace to the profession as your lack of acuity will inevitably do more harm than good to those are in need of non-judgemental advice and support at what may be a time of crisis in their lives.

If you truly are an example of the profession it's no wonder that social workers get hammered in the press.

Yet again, well said Izzy, I have been a qualified nurse for over 20 years and your comments 'thetruthhurts' (or is it that the truth hurts you???) are some of the most uncaring I have ever heard from any professional in a caring career......

well, you are not very good at your job then, especially given that all the agencies she has been involved with have marked her as high risk from her partner.
I had to re read the opening post, just to check whether there was something there I was missing. of course I am only someone who has been through a relationship with someone who was abusive with me, not a so called 'professional' like you but I can see the red flags flying all over. and I am guessing you havent followed the thread through to its present post??? (and thats giving you the credit for posting after a page or so, because if you truely HAVE read the whole thread then you need to be struck off)
as an aside, my ex was 'only' emotionally abusive and threatening to me, still fucked me up for near on 15 years. He did go on to put another girl in hospital on 3 occassions though.
If you dont know the script, there is no way you should be directing the production with your stupid irresponsible comments. carry on like that and you will end up with the blood of innocent women on your concience.

To continue your post after a particularly inapt interruption from an unwelcome visitor yellowtang, on further reflection I have every confidence that when your solicitor brings your case to Court it is highly unlikely that a Judge will see fit to grant your ex-p anything other than supervised contact with the dc at proscribed times.

This will take place in a dedicated contact centre and Social Services will be able to facilitate collecting the dc from your home and returning them after your ex-p's allotted hour or so's monthly contact meetings, which will be held in the presence of the watchful eyes and ears of a third party who will be familiar with the reasons why his contact is restricted.

After the Court case you may rest assured that there will be no need for you to ever come face to face with your ex-p again and, of course, there will be Court Orders in place which will give you additional protection should he attempt to make contact with you.

Thanks izzy x

Good to see you back YT, hope you have had a better day. How are the fish getting on, I have to say I think you are amazing, 7 children and you are looking after a marine tank!!!! :) x

yep - thats true. although my ex was never physically violent with me, i have a prohibative steps order which prevents him taking my dd anywhere, or even visiting the school, without my written permission. contact is supervised and organised by a 3rd party for 2 hours every fortnight (though he often cries off before the 2 hour mark and now that the 3rd party has stopped chasing him to arrange contact, has been drifting to every 3 or 4 weeks)
I never have to see him, speak to him, look at him. and he doesnt know where we live - that info was kept confidential by the court for our protection.
Its great.

YT Just saying hello. 2 weeks for us both now. keep on going. My OH is still gone. I am having a terrible time with his manipulation (and his parents). You are not alone. Stay strong. One day at a time.

Sorry no wise words, just lots of love