Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Have you spoken to anyone about in in rl, the police or WA? He shouldn't be able to get to you like this.

From waking up it's been a bad day
Post from this morning I was in bits
Fish tank playing up
Party
Mum being total shit
His sisters oh demanding his stuff
Him taking the car from his dc
Him taking dc and coming back unsettled
And Theres loads more x
I feel so down

Hold strong YT. This will get better. You're going through a very tough time at the moment and it's no wonder you feel drained.

He is getting to me big time more than anyone knows really
But it happens , don't make it right

You sound pretty overwhelmed. Poor you.

A lot of these things can really just be shrugged off. Let people demand stuff and objects break down. The only thing you need concern yourself with is for you and DC to be well cared for - or at least on the way to being better cared for, and you're doing that. The rest is just noise.

I can understand the posts from this morning being upsetting, although i know that was not what anyone wanted to do.
Fish tank I might be able to be a bit of help with, had a reef tank myself for a few years:)
Have you given anymore thought about stopping contact for now, I really do think that it would benefit you and the children for a while, it helped my daughter no end having no contact for a while.
Have you been out anywhere in the past couple of days? x

Detach, detach, detach.

Would it help if you just imagine his words are just white noise when you hear them? Smile and nod if you must, but just let the actual words wash over you unheard. He has nothing constructive to say.

My mum was horrific when I got rid of X, inexplicably absent and unsupportive.

it was excruciating.

MN helped me through it all, just hang onto what YOU know is right and keep this X as far from you as possible.

Minimise contact, don't reply to his communication. Stop contact, even if only for the next week, give all of you a break.

Today's been bad
Tried to do what's best for dc
Its like he's still living here nothings changed
Some of the relief gone but not control

Doing what's best means being brave.
You need to cut the comms between him and your DD, he is manipulating and grooming her.

You need to tell her exactly what is going on. she needs to learn what is going on and fast.

Why would he take the car from his dc ? I gave him
The car so he could take them all out
Now he got a car and a van
And we have to walk

He is trying to take back full control, that's why, he thinks you are weakening, he will have been quizzing all the dc's, especially you dd1. Is there anyway you can get someone to get the car back?? Maybe tell his bil that you will give him his stuff when he returns the car?

Hello YT. Sorry about your day. I have had a good but tiring day, am looking after a friend's hyperactive DS while she is in hospital, and realised I had forgotten how much work even 1 child is. I had got quite laid back about mealtimes etc, so it was a bit of a shock to have to provide a lunch, to have tea at a reasonable time, and bedtime took ages. I have been a bit snappy as am more stressed than I expected since petition arrived for OH, so have had to explain that I am a bit sad and apologise for the occasional too sharp word :(.

All of which is a roundabout way of saying I thought of you and your 7DC and am absolutely filled with admiration for you.

He is doing what was expected, he's upping his game now, he has been out for nearly 2 weeks and is probably startingto panic that you mean business so is trying to make it as hard as possible for you and wear you down.

Noseinbook, I couldn't agree more, YT, I have nothing but admiration for you, managing all of your children while he is doing his best to make your life difficult. :You are a strong lady, you can beat him, you know that don't you, deep down, you can do this!!! :)

Hi there..sorry I'm new on here but have read all of this thread and you're an incredibly brave woman and I'm much in admiration of you. I don't think I would cope with what you've gone through as well as you are. i just wanted to post as i was up late too and thinking of you.

It sounds like if he's taken the car he is trying to kind of bully you into having him back. Kind of making it so difficult for you that you'll give in. Why does he need a car AND a van anyway. There's only 1 of him and 8 of you.

I am just wondering how you could get the car back. As well as being difficult for the dcs and you without it, it will make it easier for him to be picking them up. Which he's not meant to be doing.

Im letting him
And when he's done he walks away
Shaking tonight I hope it's part of it
I Want the best for dv he doesn't seem to

Don't know what others think, but could YT ring the police contact about the car and how he's using it to gain contact with the dc's and control her? Could he try and prove it's his or something?

What's happened has he come in? Sorry I'm not one of the regular posters but I'm really concerned for you. Do you still have the panic button? Can you ring it and say hat has happened. There is no way he should have come to yours, it's not in his bail conditions is it. Tell them, immediately, if he's forced you into sex with him. Otherwise, he may make it out like you have let him back in or something.

I think you need to ring the bell and find a safe house for you and the children. Like you said you don't want to be there anymore, and he is in control there.

Thinking of you yellowtang.

YT I would contact the police again, even right now and tell them what he is up to, he should not be doing any of this, he's putting pressure on you and the children. He IS NOT taking the kids out because he thinks that it is the best thing for them, he is doing it to GET TO YOU!!
You must be so tired with it all, it is draining, but I promise you it will be worth it both for you and your dc's. Keep your head held high, you ARE the better person here.x

If it's true, ring the button/call them right now, so they can take a sample if possible..if he has raped you and stolen the car. And tell them that. That's how bad it is, if that's what you mean..

I think it may be time to speak to WA about somewhere safe for you to live, he is that arrogant he is ignoring his bail conditions. I am so angry for you!! x

He has no right to even contact you right? Never mind coming in, doing what I think he has, and going off with the car.

I really feel for you and wish could be there with you to help in any way. Sorry i know am a complete stranger but I do mean that.

I've got to go to bed now but hope i didn't sound bossy and upset you further. I don't know too much about domestic abuse. However I have heard that sometimes it keeps going in cycles, they're nice, (or get back in somehow) get worse...and wondered if I might have helped by giving a bit of support to help you to report it straightaway (if that's what has happened I mean-obviously he's not there now as knows he can't be) so he doesn't make out you've had him back if you see what I mean.

Anyway take care and hope you are at least getting some sleep.