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Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 21:54

Does dd1 have only one phone? How long has she had it? Is it PAYG or on contract?

garlicBread · 03/11/2011 22:06

foth - Grin at metaphor soup. It must be like alphabetti spaghetti!

Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 22:07

Thanks fool!

Izzy dd1has one phone that he gave her it's contract
Ds1has a contract phone , he set it up thenleft me to pay, and I havnt the
Money for it ,

Only new phone is dd1

OP posts:
izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 22:09

Has she been taking the phone to school?

Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 22:18

Yes school x

OP posts:
izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 22:31

Let her take the phone to school tomorrow which buys us time to come up with a cunning plan for you take it off her tomorrow evening which will put an end to his attempts to find out what you're up to and what's going on in the house.

hevak · 03/11/2011 23:35

Yay YT - I'm so glad you are starting to feel what it will be like when exP is completely out of your life!:)

On a practical note, if DS's phone is a contract in your name, phone the company and tell them you want to cancel the contract (or change to pay as you go). Don't just "not pay" the bill - otherwise the phone company will start charging fees for not paying. They might be funny if you're cancelling the contract before it expires (if you're pulling out before the 12/18 months is up) but explain that your finances are dire now you are leaving a violent relationship and you will be homeless once the bail is lifted (which probably won't happen but the phone company won't know that! Wink ). They're obliged to help you out (hopefully cancelling the contract or changing to PAYG, but at least allowing you to make smaller payments over a longer period) if you contact them and explain your financial situation has changed for the worse.

I'm looking forward to hearing about the cunning plans for taking your DD's phone away - unfortunately I lack the imagination to make a suggestion at the moment! Grin

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 23:47

My cunning plan now extends to letting dd keep the phone until after school on Friday.

The object of this exercise is for him to think that he's 'still in control' by being able to call the shots regarding contact with the dc.

NettleTea · 04/11/2011 08:24

Or keep it until the morning of the meeting, so it can be shown how he is still trying to contact you/control kids through the phone. Doesnt give her time to delete messages/call record

catherinea1971 · 04/11/2011 09:05

Good morning Yellowtang, I'm a bit curious about dd1's relationship with him prior to all of this, did they spend a lot of time together?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 04/11/2011 11:40

Hi yellowtang, glad you are starting to have little moments of enjoyment and hope. Smile You are doing marvellously! Glad to see also that you spoke to a RL friend too.

Definitely give WA worker and solicitor a call or email regarding his secretive phone contact and tell them you are very concerned about it. He should not be encouraging his daughter to have secret conversations with him and he also shouldn't be grilling her on what's going on in his absence.

I remember you had a good chat with your eldest lad about things, have you and DD1 had a chance for a heart to heart? As the two oldest they will have all of this ingrained in them - they have grown up so far with a very skewed view on relationships. The good news is this will gradually be set right as things progress and you all move on with your new life, but it will be a learning curve for all of you. Glad to hear they are starting to respect your authority a little more - you'll get there don't worry! Smile

BertieBotts · 04/11/2011 16:19

I think with DD1 maybe the best course of action would be to tell her if she wants to speak to Dad that is fine, but she shouldn't feel she has to hide away. Tell her she can say whatever she needs to in front of you and if he's telling her different, he is the one in the wrong. And what WhoWho said about him grilling her - she needs to know if he's making her feel stuck in the middle that isn't right either.

I'd probably let her keep the phone but say she isn't allowed to hide away and use it.

buzzskeleton · 04/11/2011 16:29

What Bertie says.

She'll only view losing her phone as a punishment, and she has done nothing wrong, she's just mixed up. I think she needs to be told not to keep secrets and that you're ok with her communicating with her dad, YT, that you just need openness.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 17:03

Sad to relate but I disagree with the above.

It seems to me that he's given dd1 a mobile phone specifically so that she can act as his conduit into what is going on in the house in general and what you, in particular, are up to.

To this end, he has effectively groomed her to keep secrets from you and this is evidenced by the lengths she's gone to to ensure that you cannot easily overhear her conversations with him and the manner in which she previously relayed messages from him to you.

It seems that, unlike so many others, your dc are not dependent on mobile phones to communicate with friends/other relatives and it is therefore significant that he has given dd1 her 'first' mobile at this particular time.

If you are happy for her to continue communicating with him I would suggest that you hold on the phone until such times as it is convenient for you to allow her to use it in your presence - after which, you hide it away again because, frankly, I believe that he's done such a number on her that if the phone's in her possession she won't be capable of keeping any promise to only use it within your hearing.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 04/11/2011 17:16

Is her having a phone a new thing then? How convenient! Hmm

garlicBread · 04/11/2011 17:21

I'm afraid I agree with Izzy. I also think it's importnat to explain clearly that this is due to her dad wanting secret conversations with her, and this is unwise during such en emotional time for the whole family. Let her ring him from the home phone. In the family room.

Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 17:30

Hi

With dd1 I think he thinks he can control her too in a way

My hv rang me today she came to see me and we had a good chat , about everything , not sure if she came because of the lady from wa,she asked my hv's name ?

Got a copy of a letter from my solicitor that she's sent to him , saying to arrange contact through them and not to come near the house,they will Apply for a non molestation order and an occupation order

Benefits letter came through! I didn't expect that yet, but that helps me with legal aid!

It's all scary venturing into a new .. Unknown world.. Like someone said it's a journey a bit like going through a dark tunnel??

He's taking them tonight for something to eat, it's hard , ds birthday day
bbs

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/11/2011 17:32

Ah okay I completely missed it was a gift from her Dad. That does change things - I was assuming it was a phone she already had and used to text friends etc.

Sorry, should not post when groggy from cold :)

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 17:34

Hang about - are you saying that despite the solicitor's letter, he is taking the dc out tonight/now for something to eat?

If so, how was this arranged and who is picking the dc up/dropping them off?

suburbophobe · 04/11/2011 17:51

Yes, it might seem like a dark tunnel, but it's a fabulous light at the end of it!

You are on the journey now, I have been following your thread and am so proud of you, and incredible respect.

You are an inspiration to other women in a similar situation (been there, done that too).

Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 17:53

Dd1 talked to him on phone today, he said can he take them for dinner because it's ds birth day
So I agreed , ds said daddy missed his birthday , it's so so bloody hard all this , I don't want to stop them seeing their dad , he will get to see them anyway legally?
We did same as before they all walked Arlington corner to him
I talked about it today with hv x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 17:56

Hi I'm feeling stronger and more sure that I don't want him back
But I don't need to see him either, that's dangurus water

A few things have came together today
Long way to go yet
It's nice to have a quiet house for a change !

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 18:01

It's ment to say he's not to come back to the house x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 18:03

Solicitor also put in letter not to collect the older ones from school

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 04/11/2011 18:47

Izzy with the phone I really don't know
She said it was to loud to talk with the dc ! She has got a point I have gone in the toilet before now !

I have seen the messages they have sent

I am a bit concerned about how he is different with her than the others but then she found a hobby and he took her to twice a week , giving them time together that the other dc didn't get ?
Is there a book about this?

X

OP posts: