Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Social services arnt involved it's ment to say

You will be frightened and confused, he has made you like that!
What are your reasons for needing to not be in the house? I could be ordered that you can stay there with the children, would you not want that?

keep it up yt

I carnt pay mortgage
But it's more, this is his castle, I don't want it, it was neaver my home I'm not conformable here
Fresh start !

Fresh start is good, speak to the lady from womens aid, she will be able to help I'm sure.
How sweet will that be eh? A fresh start!! :)

Dreams of little house crammed with DCs, garden, peace...all in glorious sunshine of course!

How are you doing foolonthehill?:)

he's still out but all his stuff is here. he says he'll be back by Christmas 9 not to me...to others). Lots of manipulation and he's got all the time to do it....I'm frazzled, work, home, kids, solicitor and socialworkers..................

Hope it's all worth it in the end

thanks for asking cath.

It will be worth it, I would put all his stuff in bin bags, wash that man right out of your hair, as the song says!!

WA will help you get that fresh start, and help to protect you from him. you dont nEED to have any contact with him whatsoever if you choose not to. You can request supervised contact or 3rd party handover on set days, then he doesnt even need to contact you about it - he can contact the centre or 3rd person if he cannot make it.

YT your life is going to be transformed but the journey might be a bit bumpy!

I actaly enjoyed it a little tonight, the dc are starting to listen to my rules and I can see them through it felt good but it's bloody hard work!

I feel a bit happier after speaking to my solicitor today
We have got the ball rolling anyway so that's good,

I'm enjoying his non presences tonight, it's slowly starting to sink in this feeling of freedom, I still havnt been anywhere really but I know I will x

Please try not to get fixated on moving out of the house because there's a lot to be done first with regard to securing your safety, and because you are unlikely to be considered high priority for social housing while you have a roof over your head.

With regard to your long term accomodation needs, the first step is to find out whether your name is on the mortgage/deeds. If it isn't, this may radically alter your position with regard to your entitlement to stay in the house by way of an occupation Order.

If it is, there will be a lot to consider including the fact that if the house is sold you will be entitled to a share of any profit and may incur liability for any loss if any mortage is not repaid in full on completion of sale.

If the house is sold at a profit, your share of the sum achieved may affect your entitlement to benefits.

All of the above are issues that you can raise with your solicitor once she has determined whether the property is co-owned by you, so to speak.

I actaly enjoyed it a little tonight, the dc are starting to listen to my rules and I can see them through it

:) YES, YES, YES!!! :) :)

Izzy, I don't think YT will be entitled to revenues from the house, as they're not married. It remains to be seen whether Refuge/WA will house them, or the council, or if he'll be ordered to keep the house on. He will be liable for maintenance towards the children which, with seven DC, could be quite a bit.

That's all going to come out in the wash, though. You've got 25 precious days left, Yellow, and you may already be starting to see what a difference this time WILL make to your children and your home life. The case conference will start the wheels of officialdom creaking. In less than a fortnight, you'll be feeling a lot more emotional freedom at home (and confidence) and your future will be taking shape.

Take good care of yourself, please. Are you eating?

Thanks izzy I still need to find out about if my names on it , I did forget about that there's alot to sort out.

The lady at wa said I should be a band 2 if I'm leaving dv relationship but she was going to ask for me at the meeting , I have no idea, as I was told different , as like you say I have a home ?
X

Oops, sorry Izzy, just realised you were talking about whether YT is part-owner of the house. You can find this out by ringing up the Land Registry. They can also advise you on whether to place a charge on the property while you're living in it and the children are.

Your solicitor is there to advise you on, and take care of, all the legal necessities and her starting point is to ensure that you/the dc are safeguarded in law and to also determine what rights you have to be in the property.

Have you given her the name of the building society or whatever institution holds the deeds to the property until the mortgage is fully paid up?

If you are named on the mortgage, it would be prudent to ensure that a charge is put on the property so that he cannot use it to raise money by remortgaging or upping any existing mortgage.

It's understandable that these matters might have slipped down the list given that the priority is to ensure your safety, but please make a note to talk to her about your status with regard to the property because it underpins all of the other considerations that you need to take into account.

Will do izzy
I have a list of ' to dos ' on
My microwave so will put the up top
It's getting longer !

Dd1has spoken to him tonight and he's asking so much about what's going on here , I herd her in the toilet talking to him , she said it was to noisy to talk, fare enough it was but then she was in the bath tking to him, I questioned her she said he rang her , I feel she's being secretive about talking to him I think maybe she feels silly talking infront of me

The only way to go is no contact.

He's shown he's willing to manipulate the dc to undermine you and you cannot have any peace of mind if you suspect that dd1 or any of the other dc are in 'secret' communication with him.

The fact that dd1 took the phone in the bath with her tells you all you need to know - neither he nor she want you to know what is being said by either of them.

It's encouraging DD to accept secrecy in relationships. Not good.

Dunno how you'd stop it though, I'm sure they all have his number by heart.
I'll bow to better knowledge here, but wouldn't it be better to ban secret calls and let them do their talking at fixed times, in a family room?

How many of the dc have their own mobile phones?

Yes to openness and honesty.
Children et conned into keeping secrets in our sort of family set up but it's too heavy a burden for them, and if anything goes wrong and they start to become objects of abuse then they don't feel they can open the can of worms as they are too enmeshed in the secrets.

I have told all of mine that they can talk to anyone about anything that they feel comfortable with, school, childline, me. I have also explicitly said that it is ok to talk about daddy or to daddy in front of me and that even if I cry or get upset it is still ok..the sad feelings are real but I don't mind feeling them. they will not always be there.

Our house is transformed..not perfect but the burden of secrets has been lifted and you can feel the lightness...surprising what they have chosen to share.

It's dangerous for your DD to have secrets with an abusive man (even her father)..she is old enough for him to start to see her as a bridge between you and him, or as a potential victim herself. And he should not be asking her to keep secrets, it's wrong for someone in a position of power...any normal dad would not burden his daughter (or son) this way.

sorry...mixing metaphors like it's some kind of soup!!!!

Dd1
Ds1 has one but I havnt paid it this month

By the way yay to feeling the first glimmers of hope and empowerment...go go go YT!!!