Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 02/11/2011 21:56

YT, have you been to see a solicitor yet, I can't remember.... If not I really think that is what you should do and soon.

I'm horrified from reading your thread and some others how woefully inadequate the help is for DV victims. It is a disgrace.
Keep going, you are doing so well, try and keep strong.

Original poster
yellowtang · 02/11/2011 22:01

Nettletea we arnt married, how, where can I get out buy 28th with 7 dc , and dc stuff, little money

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 02/11/2011 22:05

I have a solicitor yes, because he was behaving and he had bail condition, it was left for now, waiting for her to get back

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 02/11/2011 22:09

YT, don't be panicking about getting out just yet. Call women's aid and get some advise from them, they should be able to help with things like benefits, housing etc. Not sure where you stand legally with regard to the house you are in, are you on the deeds?

This is why you really do need to seek legal advice, you need to find out where you stand legally before you start worrying about moving out. You would also qualify for legal aid so money won't be an issue.
A solicitor can also help you get restraining orders and also look into the contact issues with you.
It's all very overwhelming for you I'm sure, there has been so much happen to you in such a short period of time. Hang in there, you can do this. :):)

buzzskeleton · 02/11/2011 22:10

You need to urgently talk to a good family law solicitor. If yours is away, you need to find another.

Don't give up, YT, there are still options. You've come so far.

catherinea1971 · 02/11/2011 22:12

Cross posted with you. Contact you solicitor tomorrow and get an appointment ASAP, explain all that has gone on, write it all down for him/her.

Original poster
yellowtang · 02/11/2011 22:15

I left a message for her to contact me, today c

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 02/11/2011 22:29

That's good, call again tomorrow, it might be easier all round if you write her an email and send her that. I used to do that with my ssol, it saved loads of time trying to put into words what I wanted to say to her. If you look on her firms website, they usually have contact details with email addresses on, failing that when you call tomorrow ask for her email address.
One of the better things about emailing is you can not send it straight away but keep adding to it.

catherinea1971 · 02/11/2011 22:33

Yellowtang,mi have to get some sleep now, little one wakes at silly o'bloody clock. Will check in tomorrow.
Try and get some sleep yourself. :)

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 02/11/2011 22:51

This seems a somewhat incomprehensible turn of events .

Following his arrest a week and a half ago the police installed a panic button in your home and your support worker told you yesterday that your situation has been assessed as high risk, yet you are told today that it is unlikely that charges will be bought against him.

When you were told this unwelcome news did the police give any reason and, more pertinently, did they give you any advice as to how you could protect yourself given that they appear to have now decided that there is no case for him to answer?

foolonthehill · 02/11/2011 22:57

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Bloody life.

YT you have done the right thing, keep it up honey, the 28th is a while away. use the time, solicitors, WA and open a bank account for the child benefit to go into( at least with 7 it'll mount up quickly)

garlicBread · 02/11/2011 23:03

It seems a bit bonkers.

Please call Womens Aid for advice - also, is your solicitor one that they recommended? Some really don't get domestic violence (mine didn't Angry) and I don't remember what you've said about yours.

Ring the police DV unit tomorrow, as well, get them to chase this up.

You're really going through it, Yellow, I wish I could be there for you in RL. How's your bleeding? Did you manage to ring the useless doctor and get your prescription?

I feel so :( for you ... Hope all the DC are asleep, so you get a bit of quiet time. xx

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 02:37

I didn't think I could feel more concern for you than I did on Sunday night, but tonight my fear for you has gone through the roof.

As I see it we have 25 days to turn your situation around and, together, we can and will do it.

It ain't over til the fat lady sings, honey, and she's still in her dressing room.

Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 04:22

The dc said that they would present the case to the cps and they have to consider if a jury of 12 people would 'without reasonable doubt' that he did it ,basically there's no bruises, nothing to prove what happened

The meetings going ahead tommorow , so don't know if that may show some help my way I'm not sure x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 04:27

I am in toutch with wa garlic, she's really nice, she's going to the meeting tommorow,
And she also said I have a very good solictor,? I'll try and contact her again in morning x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 04:37

Im so stressed I just carnt be here when his bails lifted , he's going to go nuts,
Garlic I havnt found time for the gp yet, there's been so much to do, the list is mounting up x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 05:20

I really wish I didn't say anything, this is so shit
Don't know what else to say but I feel like it's all going to come crashing down soon
X

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 03/11/2011 06:21

One thing at a time.

Wow...that's shit. But it's all the advice I have unfortunately. :(

Just know that we're here and supporting you, ok?

catherinea1971 · 03/11/2011 06:36

Good morning. Try not to panic, you have some time on you side, this can be sorted out. The dc you have been dealing with does not seem to have been very helpful/supportive to you through all this!!
With regard to the gp, why don't you call and request a home visit from one of the female dr's? You may feel it is easier to talk to them in your own environment.

You were right to have said something, deep down you know that to be true.
As Izzy said we have 25 days to sort this, that fat lady has lost her voice and isn't gonna be singing anytime soon!! Take care and keep strong.

Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 07:34

I didn't mean your advice was shit! No way! So sorry you thought I menu that

My situations I feel stuck and it's my situation I feels shit
I did what I thought was best by talking to the police, they have been great in protecting me
Just after yesterdays visit , feels like it's all going to crash down

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 03/11/2011 07:52

YT your situation stinks..but you can still get through it. On the other side is a life that you can run through as a complete person, smelling the coffee and al other pleasant aromas!

Keep going girl.
One thing at a time.

I know there is no time but you will still manage to do what needs doing (we both will)

Scool run, work and washing for me today...small victories before I try to use what's left of the evening to prepare stuff for my solicitor and the social worker this morning.

NettleTea · 03/11/2011 08:39

OK, so you have a good solicitor and WA on your side. They are not going to lift bail before any meeting next week. Both these women are fighting your side in the meeting - have social services been involved yet? There is no way that the solicitor and WA will leave you high and dry - they know the legal processes better than any of us, and so long as you tell them that you fear him coming home, they can start putting an exit pla into place for you - there is no way that they will leave you there.
You did do the right thing regarding the police, the police DO believe you - they would not assess you as high risk or give you a panic alarm if they didnt. They will also log the breaking of bail. If they are at the meeting I am 100% sure that they will support you to. HOWEVER the law is an ass and they are perfectly correct in saying that it might not go to court because of the lack of evidence - it is shocking, but it is financial - they are just not able to take cases through, which cost a fair bit, unless they are pretty damn sure of a conviction. Its pure economics and its got nothing to do with whether they believe you or not. I suspect that is what this meeting is for next week - they are holding him off you for as long as they legally can without resorting to court, and putting stuff in motion to get you safe during that time. I know it might not seem like it, and thats probably why they didnt tell you the news til yesterday, but him breaking bail, etc will certainly be considered in this meeting, and certainly in any further action taken by the solicitor on your behalf.

BertieBotts · 03/11/2011 11:41

The legal stuff sounds like a minefield. I'm sorry I don't know enough to be able to help.

Keep talking to WA - sounds like they are on your side. And ask the scary "what if" questions. Look at every option - even if it seems impossible. A refuge for example, they might be able to give you more than one room? I don't know how it works. But ask, ask if they can help you get priority on the housing list too?

I hope things manage to turn around. xx

NorthernNumpty · 03/11/2011 13:18

I stumbled across this thread last night and have been read it all.

Yellowtang just because he is not going to be prosecuted and will have his bail conditions lifted does not mean that it is all over or that it will all come crashing down. As NT says it is not beacause you are wrong or because you are not being believed. You have been incredibly brave taking this huge step after all those years and I am so pleased for you that you have experienced what your life could be like outside of his controlling ways.

You need to make sure that if the charges are dropped by the CPS that you have alternative measures in place to protect you. Your solicitor will be able to advise you about non-molestation orders through the County Court and get this in place before any lifting of bail conditions.

You will get through this.

If You have not done so please go and see your GP about the MC you will need all your strength and you need to be well.

Original poster
yellowtang · 03/11/2011 13:18

Thankyou All

Neetletea thanks for putting it like , your completely right,
I just couldn't see it that way, fear and confusion take over.

Im waiting for solicitor to get back to me
No social services sent involved but have been informed of the last incident, I think they are at the meeting, not sure

I need to get out this house before hes back, for two reasons.

Sorry for posting so negative yesterday but it's a bumpy road
X thanks for all your support x

OP posts: