Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Hi izzy!

The police said as he hasn't threating in the messages , it can wait, he's being NICE
But if he changes to contact them
His sister anD him Have been td not to contact me, of they do I have to report it to them

I havnt been invited to the meeting no

Glad to hear the police have had a word in his shell-like about contact, but I can see 2 problems.

1. When he does 'nice' he expects you to capitulate and be sucked back under his control.

1. He can't do 'nice' for very long.

What happened about Relate? Did you get a chance to call them?

We've seen what doing 'nice' did to him last week. He was constantly pushing the boundaries, encroaching on your space, getting closer and closer to the front door.

Did he turn up Sunday night?

I phoned relate, there was an appointment booked for the time,they paid to get in quicker and I told them hexwas on bail etc , she said they wouldn't see us (as you said) izzy and she made a note of it all x

Don't forget to tell your solicitor about the Relate appointment and the pressure you were put under by him & the dsis to attend .

He or she lied through their teeth to make that appointment and it's good news that their deceit has been documented.

Your solicitor needs to start working on non-molestation and occupation Orders for you and on the issue of contact . Will you be speaking to your support worker - or you been allocated a different worker?

I know it makes extra work for you to have all of the dc around, but there's no way they should be having unsupervised contact with him and until that is set up there shouldn't be any contact.

The dc need to know that what he's done to you is wrong and, at the moment, I can't see that they're getting the right message. In any event, he will undermine whatever message you're trying to give them which is why contact should be supervised - and not by you!

Do any of the dc go off to meet/play with friends after school/at the weekends?

YAY YT you're here....

don't know if it will make you feel better but at 1 week and 2 days...i have palpitations, breathlessness, stomachache, insomnia, difficulty focussing (nd typing) feeling of panic, tearfulness (intermittent) and a dry mouth.

However, still here, still keeping on keeping on, delayed DC3s birthday party for a week as can't handle it...she's fine as it means she can have more friends....

but have opened a bank account in my name (child benefit going in), made an appointment with a solicitor for friday, fed the DCs, made contact with a new client (who might actually sign a contract ), washed some clothes and sewn in 1 name tape...[small victory dance before falling exhausted to floor]

Is this what "managing" looks/feels like?????

Hay fool that's fantastic take a deep breTh honey , it's good isn't it. Although it's been tough we hVe done it

I'm proud of you x

you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad your staying strong homey x

Still carnt sleep
Much
Got loads to do today too,I'm worried about this meeting, if feels like I want to fast forward this bit!
Worried about contact to, x

Anxiety is normal, YT. But ask yourself: is worrying about the meeting now helpful? Thinking about it won't make it happen quicker. Try to empty your mind from thoughts that increase the panic: each thing you are anticipating will (or will not) happen in its own time, and you can deal with it then.

And you need to sleep. Please go see your GP about some sleeping tablets.

YT I have been following this thread right from the beginning.

Can I just say I am full of admiration. You're being so strong and resilient whilst taking care of 7 kids!

Please go and see your GP to discuss the non-sleeping, you will feel so much better if you would get a solid 8 hours sleep. Please hold on, I will be thinking of you!

Hi, Yellow tang, so very pleased that you are staying so strong!!

I too think a trip to the gp would help you, or maybe contact your health visitor?

I think it would be better for now to stop all contact with him and your dc's. I really think they will benefit from some time away from his influence. Contact can be resumed at some point but supervised so he can't mess with their heads.
Keep strong:)

Given the lack of support that you received in those first crucial days after his arrest - which state of affairs is, unfortunately, not uncommon - it wouldn't have been surprising if you'd thrown in the towel, but you've proved yourself to be a woman of rare courage and determination.

It doesn't seem fair that, after you have made a superhuman effort to break free and stay free and have exhausted yourself in the process, there is still so much to do before you will be able to truly relax and begin to relish and enjoy your new life, but one step at a time will get you there, honey.

I hope that you will continue to take heart from the support that is here for you on this board and know that, if we could do it for you, there'd be no shortage of volunteers to kick his arse and the arses of those agencies who, at very long last, appear to be stepping up to the plate and recognising what we've seen from your very first words on this board, namely, that he is a danger to you and to the dc.

This is a just a brief recognition of your incredible resilience before I give some thought to the subject of contact which, given his behaviour, needs careful consideration and which I hope you will be raising with your solicitor and support worker today.

STAY STRONG YT - YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU WILL GET THERE.

Hello Yellowtang! Good to see an update.

With food, try going to the supermarket and just buying lots of nice little nibbly bits. Or things which will tempt you to eat. Even if they are complete rubbish! Then eat 6 little meals a day instead of 3 big ones - if your littlest still have snacks you could eat with them and then another after they've gone to bed.

It's quite usual after leaving to have symptoms of PTSD. They should fade in time but if you are worried or it doesn't seem to be getting any better don't hesitate to go back to the GP and see what they can offer. That's for you too foolonthehill :)

Also the WA thing sounds great for the children, though with the eldest they might take some persuading.

Let them (all) know that they are allowed to talk about their father as well and anything that is worrying them, whether to you or to someone at school e.g. teacher, school nurse, friendly TA, that they don't have to pick sides, and that both of you still love them very much. I think it's likely he has had an effect on them but hopefully by providing a stable loving home base as a contrast to his more chaotic behaviour they will be able to make their own decisions when they are older. 14 is hard - I was horrible to my mum at 14. He must be aware that women can work, they will be having careers talks at school and they won't just be for the boys! So that will probably be meant to hurt you rather than what he actually believes - hard to hear, but teenagers do tend to lash out in these ways without realising that the hurt they cause can last a lot longer than they intended it to. So don't take it to heart.

The (14yo's) point about you taking XP's money because he was the one who worked is also understandable because of his age. It can seem that black and white when you are young but most people grow up and see it's more complicated than that. If you want to try to explain it to him then remind him that you were enabling Dad to work because you were looking after the house and the children. That it was because of all of the children that he bought such a big and lovely house, and that it's not about you continuing to live there but about all of them continuing to live there, and if he says something like "Well why couldn't you move out and Dad stay here with us then?" then remind him that wouldn't be fair on the little ones who are used to you as the main carer, and also that Dad is on bail so isn't allowed to be around you all (including the DC) at the moment. And it's worth saying as well that in most marriages both adults are a team and each takes on different roles at different times, but the money is shared. Like in a company, you have front of house staff who literally go out and sell things, make the money etc, and you have staff who work behind the scenes doing things which make it possible for the ones who go out and get the customers to go and do that. And both parts of the company are important and you wouldn't just say that the money made by the company should be paid to the ones who are going out there and making the sales, and not to the ones who are doing the behind the scenes stuff, maybe cleaning or stocktaking or admin or whatever. They are earning the money just as much as the ones who are going out and getting the customers.

In an ideal world, after his arrest there would have been a decent interval before he had any contact with the dc which would have provided time for you to explain to them what had happened and why what he did was wrong, and would have allowed them to begin to adjust to an altered way of life.

Unfortunately, it seems that within hours of being bailed, he spent some considerable time with the majority of the dc at his dsis's home and, at his request and demand, contact continued on a daily and unsupervised basis .

This allowed him to gradually push the boundaries by using contact with the dc to get ever closer to the house and, when the pressure he put on you through his dsis failed to have the desired effect, using the dc to further plead his case.

You've said that dd1 is the only dc who has asked to see him. This suggests that the other dc are somewhat ambivalent and may, in fact, feel relieved if they do not have to see him for a while.

Stopping contact until such time as formal arrangements can be put into place would seem to have a number of distinct advantages:

1. The dc need to know that what he did to you was against the law and that consequences always ensue for those who break society's rules.

1. If you are spared the continual to-ing and fro-ing that the dc were engaged in during the half-term holidays, you may find it easier to establish a settled routine which will enable you to impose your own authority on the household in general.

1. The dc may open up to you about their inner feelings if they are assured that, for the time being at least, they do not have to see him and that their wishes will be taken into account before any plans are made to resume contact.

However, you need to take account of how he will react to an abrupt cessation of contact.

In the normal course of events, when investigating cases of dv where dc are resident in the home the police routinely notify Social Services who are obliged to undertake their own investigation/compile a report.

Have you heard from Social Services? It occurs to me that SS could be useful in helping you cease his contact with the dc until such time as supervised contact in a netural environment can be arranged.

In addition, I believe it would be less likely to compromise your personal safety if he is informed by a third party, such as the police or social services, that his contact with the dc is suspended until further notice although given his nature I have no doubt that, no matter who delivers the news, it will rack up his store of 'grievances' against you.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest that you discuss the above with your support worker and with your solicitor.

With regard to dd1, regardless of her desire to see him, I believe that it is necessary to curtail her presently unlimited contact as soon as possible so that he cannot use her to 'spy' for him in order to put pressure on, or undermine, you.

You may find any of your older dc, especially ds1, exhibiting challenging behaviour in an attempt to step into the vacancy created by the absence of the former head of the household but I'm sure you're more than up to the task of assuming the throne yourself and suppressing any rebellion by the peasants reminding them that you are the adult and that you make the reasonable rules that they are required to follow.

Izzy, I want you as my new bes friend and advisor. I guess your wisdom has been hard won?

YT contact is the wedge that is breaking me up, please listen to Izzy, you have plenty of reasons to keep them close and him as far away as possible. If you are anything like me you will find that his absence leaves an emotional vacuum that you then fill with your slightly stunted emotions for your children...for me this emotional reawakening has been quite painful, but also wonderful. he has been so big in my life that they had stood in the shadow of his needs and wants far too much.

SS have been involved notionally with me: but they are actually coming to interview for the first time Friday am ( the wheels of authority grind very slowly!)

I am hoping that they will advise supervised visitation as emotional and verbal abuse was to my eldest 2 as well as me...but I know it's a bit of a lottery when there isn't much physical violence whether they feel able to do this.

I don't get it
All advise is to tell police everything, I do , police tell me don't back out , so I don't , medical ,vidio evidence, he gets bail with conditions , he broke them , no one gives a shit , it's not threatening, so it's ok then
Been told today probably won't go court not enough evidence , so on if not before the 28 th he'll me back ,I'm more trapped now than
I was before
So forgive me feeling shit and trapped like mad , sitting duck

Game over then x

Call Womens Aid : They may help push it to go to court, and help you keep him out. Worth a good try.

Grrrr. No advice, as I don't have the relevant experience. But grrr.

In that case can you go to your support worker and start putting a non molestation order and occupancy order into place. I have heard that they can be processed pretty quickly.
Even if they dont DO anything about him having broken bail, then they still will have logged it, I would have thought that this would help with the non molestation order. And the meeting next week is still going ahead? Can you request to speak to those involved and make sure they understand the full effects that he was having, and the threat you feel about him returning?

And its not game over if you dont give up. You can go to a solicitor and file for divorce. THATS game over. No One can force you to be in a relationship if you dont want to be. You have done so much, stood firm against his attempts to get back into the house, you just need to form back up plans A, B and C to ensure that you are free of him.