Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Is YT ok? It's been nearly 2 days since she last posted anything. I have been lurking on this thread, really hope you're ok YT. I'm rooting for you, we all are.

Don't know she was regularly pming me until las t night. Guess either he's back or she's ill...

... or in a refuge?

Until last night, or until Sunday night, fool?

He was 'on his way' late on Sunday evening and the advice to yellowtang was to press her panic button.

If yellowtang was pm'ing you up until Monday night there's a possibility that he isn't back in the house.

I'm sorry I left the thread like that , I have had a bumpy few days
But I have got throught it and he's not back,yestaday I was ready to give it all up and speak to him , I was trying to talk to my mum to get some feedback from her , I told her what he said about not going to sleep, she said well he was drunk and it is out of charictor , so I felt everyone was leading me back to him, dc dm his ds
Today I had an argument with my dm and said what I thought, I put the 2dc in the car and drove to my friends house , she's my school mate,we talked for ages and she was a massive help, the first rl person to be on my side itms

Also had a call from wa , there's going to be a meeting next week ,I didn't know about it , the polce risk assessment was high risk , it's all really scary when you don't understand it all, but she was lovely ,feeling I have had some rl help today

I was so fed up yesterday and felt I had no choice but to have him back
But glad I didn't now x thankyou for all your posts x

That's great you have RL help now, YT.
You'll see, your cohort of RL helpers will snowball, now that you've started reaching out to them.

How's your physical health?

Thanks
Physically not good , but I'm keeping the house and dc good , they have all had dinner , bath , little dc in bed ,

But I feel crap, I'm tryed to eat , but my stomach hurts that much I carnt eat,

When I left abusive stbxh my stomach was in knots too - I lost 20 pounds in a month. I found that soft, liquid foods would go down: lots of soup and yoghurt.

Would you be able to swallow some soup? It goes down easy and can be very nutritious.

One day at a time, darling! You're doing so well, you are amazingly strong. I'm so glad your friend is there for you!

Does anything sound good to eat? Maybe a little toast or soup? I wouldn't force it but things can be so much harder if you're not eating or sleeping well.

Thankyou I'll try that,yes that's how I feel , don't know if this sounds silly I'm that scared even the end of my tounge has that tingled feeling of fear

I had to put a belt on today lol

It doesn't sound silly at all.

You take care of yourself.

so good to hear that you have made contact with people in the 'real world' and good for you giving it to your mum!!

Glad to hear that there is going to be a meeting, and hope that the 'high risk' assesment has confirmed that you have not imagined this or made it out to be worse than it is. Given validation to your feelings

Sorry you still feel rough. Agree about the soup and yoghurts. Or ice cream??

Go You!!!

I'm so pleased you're OK. Sounds like things are swinging into action. It's great that you've found some RL support.

Is your stomach ache connected to your MC do you think? It would be a good idea to see your GP if you can.

OMG! You're back!

WELL DONE, lovely, for telling your mum and seeing your friend and finally getting support from WA. High risk??

What on earth are people thinking - your mum and SIL - to try and shoehorn you back into a situation the police rate as high risk??!! One thing's for sure, you're nowhere near as fucked-up as them!!!

I'm very happy you protected yourself, Yellowtang, and your DC. Brilliant. Is youf friend staying in touch with you now? I think it'll feel so much better, more positive, when you can talk openly with people.

I have probably cross-posted with you. Yes, do try some soup and also your GP. They really need to know what's going on in your life, and can send you for an ultrasound if needs be.

I'm just so happy to hear your news :) You've made my night! xxx

Weetabix!

So so pleased to hear from you YT

Thanks
Hi garlic! Thanks
The last few days have been really tough, today I feel loads better than I did.

I had a chat with ds1 tonight, he was with his dad yestaday,ands got a bad view on our relationship and how things are ment to be, as in women carnt work, we will have no money now, I said well I can work on the future ! When dc all at school, he thinks I have took all his dads money , because he worked and he's put it into the house ect
Made me see the effects it's had

Might struggle with the weetabix !
I like spagetti with grated cheese! My comfort food , used to eat it when I was little

Spaghetti with grated cheese sounds lovely and comforting.

Interesting about DS1. Might be worth talking to him about his friends' families - I am sure there are plenty whose mothers have paid jobs, and whose homes are more relaxed than yours has been. It would be nice to help him get a sense of perspective, as you're doing.

This is very true YT plenty of us singlies around. My son has 2 close friends whose mums are on their own I am sure it has brought him alot of comfort. Youve got spirit my girl!!

How old is DS1? I may be a bit out of date here, but kids often have very old-fashioned ideas about money and work and stuff, even in, for want of a better word, normal families.

Ds1 is 14

The lady at wa is sending me some info on a thing that helps dc like the freedom p but for dc iykwim

I really thought my dc were happy / normal dc , this has probably effected them more than I realise

The fact he saw his dd has not helped I need to sort out contact

If the case meeting is in a week, don't worry about contact until the professionals have had a think. I'd advise stopping it until then. I'd also advise NOT lying to anybody about what's going on - I don't know what you've told DC but, really, they ought to know that abuse is illegal. In my opinion.

Yay Yellowtang is back & horrible H is not. Go girl!!

So so pleased for you. Keep strong

It's alarming that the police assessed you as being at high-risk of further domestic violence but were not willing to come out immediately when you told them that he'd made direct contact with you and tried to report the messages you received.

I'm immensely relieved that you've got this far without letting him bamboozle or coerce you into alowing him back into the house and I sincerely hope that the real life help you have so desperately needed from Women's Aid and the police will now start to kick-in.

Have you been invited to next week's meeting and have the police warned him and his relatives off making any further contact with you?

What you heard from ds1 tonight is most probably the tip of the iceberg. I hope you will try to find time to sit down with each of your school age dc individually and listen to what they've got to say as they need to know that their experience of 'family life' is not how it should have been, or how it will be in the future.

Please also try to find time to see your GP and let her know what has been happening. She can prescribe mild sleeping pills and/or beta-blockers to help you through and chase up the counselling you need to start offloading the years of extensive abuse that you have suffered.

Eat little and often - don't stint on comfort foods and make sure you get as much rest as possible when the majority of the dc are at school. I'm so very glad you've got a supportive friend you can go to and I'm sure that when you are with her, and are away from the house, you will see what he has done to you and the dc over the years even more clearly.

I've been extremely concerned for you, honey, because he is dangerous. He has no boundaries and he hates women. Now that you have (temporarily in his mind) got the better of him, you will not be safe if you should decide to live with him again.

Please try to avoid any situation where you might be alone with him, or with him in the presence of others such as your dm and anyone else who doesn't seem to be able to see him for what he really is. If you are out and about always have your mobile to hand and ready primed to call 999 - and don't hesitate to call if you see him approaching you.

Almost one and a half weeks! Well done, yt, put your feet up and have a much deserved