Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Oh I misread that as "If I see him I can press it" - if you can see him now I'd press. Hope you're okay x

I didn't realise that was the actual text, Bertie, but on re-reading it is.

I can't help wondering if the sister knows he's on bail under conditions not to contact Yellowtang directly or indirectly? My instinct was to text the dozy women back, saying He is on bail not to contact me AND YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW

Hope you were wrong about him showing up tonight, YT.
Still thinking about you.

Yes, YT, if you see him you press it.

He understands the seriousness of what he's doing.

He's gambling on you being too scared to shop him

Phone the police now, tell them about his dsis's text and ask them to send an officer out to see you.

Can you bolt your front and back doors from the inside or leave the keys part turned the locks so they can't be opened from the outside?

If you see him near the house USE THE PANIC BUTTON that the police have installed in case he tries to come near you.

You are not safe. He is going to be riled up to the eyebrows because he has been out of the house for ONE WEEK and you have resisted his attempts to continue to control you.

Please don't try to talk to him because you will not be safe. '

If he turns up, that is causing a problem, whatever he does, because of the bail conditions. So I would press the button if he turns up - there is no knowing what he will do so best be on the safe side.

If he is there, PRESS THE BUTTON.

It may be enough if the Police turn up and take him away for breach of order.

Ok so to you it's a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but tbh, that is what it may take with these men. They enter complete denial. They don't spare a second for our feelings and in fact, they get off on our being scared of them.

PRESS THE BUTTON FGS

He has broken his fucking bail conditions from the first day, the insolent cunt.

I agree, Izzy. Dob him in now, Yellow, you've been putting up with his rubbish for one week longer than necesary.

But if he's not causing a problem do I still press it

YES YOU DO!!! He has been told by the police not to contact you and not to come near the house.

As I've already said, this man enjoys setting boundaries for you and the dc but he has no intention of observing the ones that have been set for him.

He will be especially dangerous tonight. Don't go near him. Get the police round now and there'll be a chance that the dc will sleep through it and won't be too tired for school tomorrow.

I'm going to bed now. Don't be afraid to push the button yellowtang. He knows he shouldn't be there. Hope you have a semi-peaceful night.

It was inevitable that this would happen. If he doesn't turn up tonight he'll be on your doorstep tomorrow or will accost you when you take your dc to school. BE ON GUARD and keep your mobile in your hand with 999 ready to call the police.

His police bail conditions will have specified that he mustn't contact you or come near the house.

He's been trying it on all week, pushing the limits, creeping ever nearer. He was standing round the corner yesterday and was outside the house today.

You won't be safe from him tonight or tomorrow without the help of the police.

I don't want to be alarmist, honey, but you MUST press that button now.

Yellow, I very much hope that you are by now sleeping soundly after an uneventful evening and if it wasn't uneventful, I dearly hope you pressed that button and kept yourself and your family safe. In any case, please tell the police what's been happening as soon as you can. Don't reply to any more messages from his sister - just completely cut contact and stop the Dc from seeing him, just for now until you've sorted some proper safe arrangements. Do you have another phone you could use? you could just stick the one with the messages in a cupboard to accumulate evidence for the police.

You mentioned an old school friend in a previous post - does she live close by? Would she be able to look after your pre-schoolers for a bit tomorrow so you could be completely off-duty for a couple of hours? Or even just run some chocolate errands and give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on for a bit?

Not around much at the moment but still thinking of you

x

Morning YT, hope you are safe and sound.
Keep on going.
I won't be online until this evening now but just wanted to check you are ok.

Hope all is well with you this morning.

had to come on and check - hope you are OK and take care this morning on the school run - is there anyone you can visit?

Here is the subtext of the message you received from his sister last night:

you need to sort this out It's clear that his sister refuses to accept that her brother has done anything wrong. She has condoned his violence and has put the onus on you to 'sort it out' by acquiescing to his demands.

if you not going to relate in the morning then x still wants to see you As I said before, the mention of 'Relate' is merely a cynical ploy to convince you that he's willing to make an effort to work on your relationship.

This is an outright lie as it's merely a way in which he gets to see you face to face so that he can bamboozle or coerce you into letting him back in the house and continuing as you were before.

You now know that Relate cannot jointly counsel a couple where one party is on bail for assaulting the other and, more especially, when the conditions of bail specify that the violent partner does not contact their victim.

However, even if these conditions did not apply, if you were to go to Relate with him he would do all the talking (as he's done previously with your midwife etc)) and I suspect that, having attended one session, he would consider he'd made more than enough effort to repair your relationship and wouldn't willingly attend any more.

I also suspect that he's the type of man who, after one session of Relate or anything else, would consider that he's an expert on the subject. He'd then 'counsel' you at home - and woe betide you if you happened to disagree with the 'expert's' opinion.

don't you think you have made your point now This again shows that both he and she are of the opinion that he has done nothing wrong and that you are being unreasonable.

this need sorting out tonight This says that, as far as he's concerned, 'enough is enough'. It also states his intention of getting back into the house at the earliest opportunity by fair means or foul.

we paid for relate as you agreed If (and it is a big if) they chose to pay for Relate that is entirely down to them and nothing whatsoever to do with you.

If he has lied through is teeth to get an appointment with Relate for this morning, he made the call days ago - certainly well before you 'agreed'.

I carnt see my brother suffer like this anymore These are his words - he's full of self-pity. It's all about him and there's no word in any of the messages that allegedly have come from his sister about your suffering.

I sincerely hope that you had a peaceful and undisturbed night but IMO, if he hasn't aleady done so, he will make an attempt to get into the house in the very near future and, when he does so, the only way you will be safe from him is to have him 'slapped back down' by the police so that he will start to get the message that he's

The only way to go now is no contact and, to that end, you should call your support worker and get the police out to see his and his sister's messages to you a lot sooner than Wednesday.

Stay safe, honey, and don't hesitate to press that panic button.

the only way you will be safe from him is to have him 'slapped back down' by the police so that he will start to get the message that he's no longer in a position to control you.

Hi, Yellow, I hope you're feeling all right - kids off to school, phone calls made, rabbits digging burrown in the lawn ...

Izzy's clarified things very well above, as usual. I just want to say that, if H is back in your house when you read this, please don't feel bad about it or stop posting. I've done it, lots of people have, and we know how difficult this whole damn thing is. I'd love to hear how you're getting along and Mumsnet will support you through whatever turns your life takes.

Mind you, if he is back, I'm sure the police would like to know ...
... And if he isn't, they will definitely want to know about all the contacts and threats.

Take good care of yourself. x

digging burrown - heh, didn't know whether I was typing 'digging' or 'burrowing' [hgrin]

Hi Yellow, hope you're OK. What Garlic said: I just want to say that, if H is back in your house when you read this, please don't feel bad about it or stop posting.

Whatever's happening, lots of us are still thinking of you and wishing you strength x

Oh yes absolutely agree with Garlic too. If he's not then that's great, but even if he is, we're not going to stop supporting you :)

no way will people stop supporting you - sometimes it takes several attempts before you can finally leave - I got my ex out once for 2 weeks, then he came back, we carried on for another 2 years then pregnant, I asked him to go a couple of times during the pregnancy, he threatened to stab me in the stomach, I asked him to leave again after DD was born - I woke a couple of nights later to find him standing over me. In the end I took the cowards way and got my dad to get him out (good old dad was chopping at the bit!!) and then he was finally gone as he knew that everyone knew and I actually had some support behind me.

Is anyone else worried about Yellowtang tonight?

Why isn't she posting?

Hope you're ok Yellowtang. Sending up prayers for you. Be strong xx

yes I am worried
could be health (incomplete miscarriage)
could be partner (complete abuser)

nettle tea, thanks for sharing your story, if he's back with her then you will have encouraged her so much that you won't be judging her! (and the est ofus)

YT we're still here for you hon.

I'm worried.

Yellowtang please let us know you're OK? I for one certainly won't judge you if you've gone back to him, (although I do hope you haven't). It took me several attempts to get free of the man I shouldn't have been with.

I hope you're OK.

please let us know if you can.
we understand (sorry, dont mean to sound patronising, its not meant that way)
xx