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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 21:48

Garlic
I let the two rabbits out on HIS grass today , they have been happy munching away all day ! It was good to see them

About mc my back is nagging stil front pain sorry tmi feels very heavy ,boobs so sore, and I just feel cold if I think I feel there's something wrong Tomorow I might ring the gp x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 21:51

Three I don't know , I don't feel like anythings wrong so I'm sure il be fine x thanks

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 22:03

That's brilliant about the rabbits Grin Well done you!

Yep, it sounds like a visit to the doc would be in order. They're not going to poke you around. At most they'll get you a scan to see if anything's - er, stuck. They could also prescribe a muscle relaxant to soften the cramps. I'm ever so sorry you've had all those horrible things done to you. Sometimes on here, I feel like I could murder those men in cold blood. Still, back to the real world ...

While you're at the GP, tell them what's been happening at home. They do have resources. Putting a picture together of how your life has been, I imagine you are actually traumatised. Going forward, you should be able to get some support to help you plant your feet firmly on the 'normal' side of life, and to feel safer. Stop that hollow laughter! Grin It can happen, it does and it will happen for you.

While I'm handing out the tips, here's a very important one ... chocolate!

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 22:07

Chocalate ?
If it can outdo wine and co codomol bring on the dairy milk !

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:11

chocolate is the answer to everything...IMOGrin
I've run out...it's like a barometer in my life...to run out means life has just got really tough!

NettleTea · 30/10/2011 22:17

And dont forget that if he DOES turn up tomorrow you are not obliged to let him in. Lock the doors and call the police, turn the radio up load so you cant hear his voice. Relate is a definate no no as will break bail - you know that and you only agreed to get them off your back - dont feel guilty - they arent feeling guilty one teensy bit or they wouldnt be pestering you like this, against the bail conditions. You have the alarm, you can call if he shows, and I am sure that it will be quick in response, thats what they gave it to you for.
So sorry about the MC, its truely awful that you are going through that as well

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 22:19

24 hour garage ? we have one near us
You never need run out again ?
But I'll stick with my wine ,he is on his way and I don't know how to handle it
Beware I have a twix ! How dare he come near me ! I think I drank to much

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 22:21

X post nettle x

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 22:23

He's on his way where? To yours?

You can't have that, love. Twix in one hand, panic button in the other and a stony face. In fact, if he is on his way, press the button now.

NettleTea · 30/10/2011 22:24

Is he coming over? At this time of night? If thats the case then you need to call the nearest big police station and tell them now - there is no way you need to be handling this alone at night. I am guessing he thinks its a safe time if its 10.30pm on a sunday night and that no one will bother with him. If he is coming PLEASE call the police now

BertieBotts · 30/10/2011 22:24

I think you do need to get checked out for the MC, sorry. They will probably just do an ultrasound as others have said, but just from having bleeding there is no way of knowing if everything has come out (sorry for graphicness) - and you really don't want to end up with an infection or something if there is anything left there. Could your friend go with you or does she live far away?

He won't have paid for relate. Like someone said above they are booked up for weeks usually. I find his sister's last text quite threatening in it's tone, actually. You don't have to see him. He doesn't get to dictate that. You don't owe him an explanation or anything - you'd given him more chances than he ever deserved before.

BertieBotts · 30/10/2011 22:26

Sorry xposted. Erm he's coming now?? Use your panic button, lovely. It's what it's there for.

NettleTea · 30/10/2011 22:28

They gave you that button for a reason. They want you to use it. They set bail conditions and they gAVE YOU THE BUTTON TO ENSURE THAT HE DOESNT COME NEAR YOU oops cap lock, but actually I will leave them. Its their job, they want to protect them, please let them

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:29

Don't let him anywhere near you YT!

PANIC if necessary and tell the police about the sister, they can move for no contact from her too if they feel he is using her to pressurise you

Kids too little to dash to garage.......
might have hot chocolate in cupboard!!

alwayspoor · 30/10/2011 22:33

Oh god, press the panic button now. I've been reading with concern.

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 22:38

Fool thats good enough ! Hot chocolate Versas twix !

From his sisters text , he's on his way
I know him
He is ready to burst , not drinking , not knowing what will happen etc etc
He thinks now I'm not going to relate tommorow
I know him iykwim x

OP posts:
NettleTea · 30/10/2011 22:39

you know him and you dont want to face him
you dont need to
just press that little button.........

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 22:40

Seriously, he's on his way you use that button. He is breaking the law.

NettleTea · 30/10/2011 22:49

Bail is not to be trifled with, especially with a case pending and a hope that he will be kept away from you. Judges dont seem to understand the pressure that these bastards put women under, they dont understand the years of conditioning - hell, the poor women caught up in these men's tyranny dont recognise or understand it most of the time... Judges look for one thing. Did you enable him to break the bail condition, did you allow him to make contact. If you did then it will all be thrown out and this week, where you finally began to see that small glimmer of hope, hear that small voice from inside you, will be punished 100 fold when he is able to get back through that door, because if you thought that he was controlling before, he will be making sure that there is NO WAY that you will be able to do it again, because he knows that you want out.
Please please press that button - even if it is a false alarm and he doesnt turn up you will be able to show them the texts, to show them how it looked as if he was coming.
Do it for the MN army who are cheering it on, do it for yourself, do it for your kids who dont deserve to witness the fallout.....

Dinamit · 30/10/2011 23:05

Yellowtang I pretty much read your entire thread right now - I couldn't stop. You have come such a long way, which took a lot of guts and resolve - putting up with a lot while going through a MC at the same time. You are STRONG!

However, you are going through the hardest bit NOW. You are physically and mentally exhausted, the kids are playing up, and the EX abuser is increasingly pushy - it would be so easy to give in simply because you are tired. I also understand that you miss him, because he is the only company you have known for that many years and you are lonely - I keep getting back with my ex precisely for this reason and it NEVER got better.

  1. PLEASE, please CALL THE POLICE NOW - he should be nowhere near your house, and having been drinking, you are even more vulnerable tonight and frankly, I am worried.

  2. Please go see your GP tomorrow - insist on an emergency appointment or go to a walk in centre/A&E. You have to make sure that you are alright and that all the 'products of the pregnancy' as they are commonly refered to, are out. Otherwise you could get blood poisoning.

  3. Take herbal remedies or whatever to help you SLEEP. You must. Even with a full night's kip this would all be tiring - but without, frankly I don't know how you are functioning. Tiredness will also make you even more emotional, weepy and unable to handle daily life.

THERE ARE SO MANY OF US HERE ROOTING FOR YOU, thinking of you and wanting what's best for you and your children.

BOLT the doors and don't let that man in. If he is persistant or making trouble, use the panic button - that's what it's there for.

Love and light x

BertieBotts · 30/10/2011 23:08

It's sunday night. The police will not be too busy - phone the station. Even 999, I have phoned for less than this and they didn't get annoyed or anything, in fact they thanked me for my call and assured me to phone again if I was worried or I saw anything.

Was your sister's text the last one you posted at 21:35? Or has there been another since then?

noseinbook · 30/10/2011 23:10

Yes do ring the station. also, did the police give you any advice as to when to actually press the button.

I do think you need to be checked by your GP - the last thing you or the DCs need is for you to be physically unwell at the moment.

BertieBotts · 30/10/2011 23:28

Re the hot chocolate - do you like chilli and chocolate? If so Whittard's do a great Chilli flavoured hot chocolate. I tend to add a very small pinch of chilli powder myself though as while it smells promising, it's not actually spicy at all.

If you have any of the type you make up with hot milk this would probably work.

Hope you're safely asleep and ex is too. x

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 23:28

No there was no advice on using it
I am sat at the window with the button
I see him I can press it
But if he's not causing a problem do I still press it

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/10/2011 23:30

Crossposted. I would press it if you are worried (even if you can't see him) or if you see him. He is causing a problem by being there, he's breaking bail.

Also better to get them to come just in case something kicks off, rather than when it is, since there's less chance the DC will wake up.

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