Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Garlic I was just thinking if I'm inviting other people's dc to ours it doesn't seem right , but he's to much of a coward to turn up I know he is , x

Well I have given up on talking to the police today, don't think they work Sunday's no ones picking up the phone

My dc are playing me up so bad today, I just want to cry , my back and stomachs killing and I just want to sleep c

I bet you do :(
The DC are probably playing up more because you are tired! Argh!

If you're in a small town, it's quite possible the police station is closed on Sundays How about ringing the nearest big one? Try the police station finder on www.police.uk/.

It's good to hear he's not likely to show up & make a twit of himself at DC party. I'd still tell the cops about it, though.

Have a hot drink and some paracetamol - I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You must feel like an elastic band that's about to go 'ping' with all this going on! I'd like to just remind you that HE's the cause of all this ... You've had a hell of a week. It will come right, you know, and you will find the proper support.

Got to go out now, but am sending you a hug. x

Thanks garlic,
Two co codomol and a glass of wine !
Carnt keep my eyes open x

OK YT...back again, keeping going is tiring isn't it but it will get better.

This time last week i was sitting in the car waiting whilst he packed a bag.....! Now I'm able to type at the computer whenever I like .

Got to dash but keep it up YT

Hi fool
I'm glad your staying strong , well done hun
I'm in tears ATM
The dc are just playing up so much, he's just dropped of both dd s
And dd2 is now playing up, I'm trying so hard, Iv done diner , gave them all a job to do , gave some a bath,but it's a nightmare
I don't know if I can do it I'm so bloody tired
I just carnt do it

You can do it..you are doing it.

Tomorrow some will be at school and it won't just be your job to tire them out.
Just take one mini step at a time, and really think about limiting contact at the mo. He's on bail, why don't you wait and let SServices give you some advice?

I also have a birthday party next weekend...5years old on 7th Nov!!

Of course you are in pieces and it's going to be hard, but it won't be BETTER if you let him back. It will get worse and worse..stay with it

you will find the strength you need, we both will

Hey you've done dinner, you haven't just crumbled..you are an awesome woman and You deserve better.
Hang on in there

My ds is 5 !
It wasn't like this when he was here

No, you were a quivering wreck, frightened of what you would do next to anger him...I seem to remember he blew up over you brushing someone's hair????

Yes maybe the kids were better behaved, but they will settle down, you can do this, you really can, not every day will be this bad, you will sleep, you will eat, you will manage..and your children will be forever grateful, really really they will.

We are just starting out but there are lots of people who have been where we are, survived, got out and are happier and healthier...just look up thread. That keeps me going, in a year from now we could be like them.

I think the children will take a while to get that you are the mother...in their minds they have had Dad very important, mum only a little bit important and then them. In a proper relationship Mum and Dad share the "power"....it will take a bit of time for you to fill the vacuum...

be kind to yourself

I've just cleaned out our eldest daughter's fish tank with her...no YT's perhaps we nee a bit of colour in there from you????

My DD used to play up badly whenever she saw her dad - and change always sends kids a bit doolally. They are probably testing out the new boundaries, which can be exhausting, even if you were in best health. Dont beat yourself up - in some ways look at their rebellion as a positive thing - they never would have dared do it when your H was around, they are expressing their freedom in their own, although damanding, way!

Thanks nettletea

Its because there's 7 and Iv got the teenager challenging his place in the house, baby teathing bla bla bla one at each stage!

I was thinking that, Nettle :)
We used to run riot around my mum, reducing her to tears
This proved to my dad that "she couldn't control the children".
Because CONTROL is what he was all about

We ran riot because it was fun to be able to! When he was around, we were always "good". Because we were always frightened.

Mum was never very good at 'parenting' but I think you are, Yellow. It shines through your posts! There were some grown-ups in my childhood, thank goodness, who knew how to set boundaries wisely and fairly. I am 100% sure you'll be doing that with ease before long. Your DC will respect you so much for it :)

Back to school tomorrow, hurrah!! A little bit of time to slow down and look after YOU, perhaps? Hope so!

Thanks garlic!
Not sleeping hasn't helped and mc to it's just taking it out of me

Yep school tommmorow, it will do them good to get back into a routine never mind me!
Take care x

Lurker here, wanting to send you lots of hugs.

I think that the children are being difficult because finally it is safe to be difficult, it is safe to push boundaries and test their parent and let out some of the pain and confusion and fear that they have bottled up.

Because only now is it safe. I don't think it was safe before. They trust you not to hurt them and not to turn away from them. I believe that it will settle down in time - not much consolation now, I know, but I honestly believe that when they are sure they are safe and in a good place then it will be all a lot calmer.

You now have the tough challenge of picking up the pieces for them as well as you, making good the damage to them as well as you - and you can do it, even if you don't feel like it now. You have the power of Mumsnet at your back, and that is worth an army. All you need to do is keep it together for the next minute, and the next minute, and the next minute. Keep coming here and you will get help, support and advice from people who really do understand.

Yellow Tang - you are an amazing, very brave woman! Don't fall at the last hurdle!

In my last post to you, which was obviously really badly expressed, what I was trying to say was that millions of children grow up very well and become responsible members of society when brought up by just one parent!

But the thing is...........if you go and look at the Stately homes thread, you will see that lots of people on here are also on there............... this abuse is self-perpetuating.

Do you really want your sons to grow up and abuse girls like you have been abused (because this is their norm right now - women are just there for their pleasure and woe-betide them if they step out of line! - well actually women probably can do nothing right anyway)

And then there's your daughters............. unless you get away from this horribly abusive man - then they, too, will think that this is the way love is expressed - so they will become prey to men who are just the same as your soon-to-be-ex!

Is this what you want for your children?

I simply can't imagine how hard it is for you right now - I'm praying you can be strong enough to keep him away.

Oh, and from my own experience, once you get over the initial shock of being a single parent, you just know you have to 'take over' and get the kids back into line. Don't worry - you WILL find that inner strength.

Jut don't let him come back! For your sake - but mostly for your children's!

Think of you sweetheart!

yellowtang I'm worried about the MC, aren't there risks to your health with a MC? (And what if it's an ectopic pregnancy, you say you're in pain?)

Are you planning to see the doctor tomorrow? (Sorry to nag again!)

I just thought my body would do it's own thing and really I carnt say how intrusive that medical was , I found it so hard to go through that sure I'm over the worst now arnt I ? The pains or less just got sore boobs
I have been trampled over sexualy by him , then the police it was a long day then with feelings from my past poping their head up it's all to much
If I'm bleeding surly it's got rid of it all ? Do I really need to go because it's the last thing I want to do ?

Thankyou busy
I'm trying so hard I really am
I agree with what you have said I'm giving it all I have and I carnt give any more , but I'm sure I'll get throughout it with the mn army at the back of me

Just got a trxt from his sister saying
I'm going go bed now, you need to sort this out,if you not going to relate in the morning then x still wants to see you ,don't you think you have made your point now, this need sorting out tonight, we paid for relate as you agreed I really hope you sort things out because I carnt see my brother suffer like this anymore

Just hope he doesn't turn up here

He was outside yesterday and it made me sick seeing him

Hi YT.
You are not only trying, you are succeeding!

About the MC..I think if you went (or were sent by GP) to a and e they could do a preg test and an ultrasound to check you are ok so wouldn't necessarily have to be invasive, if you can face telling them just a little about your situation. See how you are in the morning, then you can always call your GPs and ask for a doctor to phone you back to give advice as you were seen recently. They are usually more than happy to do a phone back.

Hope you sleep tonight...and hope your body is healing, our hearst will catch up in the end.

hug

You will :)

Co-codamol and wine really ought to put you sleep! It's not the best method obviously, but when the devil drives ...

Since I'm that much older than you, the medics weren't at all interested in my mcs. Even the one that was quite late, they gave me scan and said well, there's nothing we can do, have some painkillers. From my experience, then, if the cramps and bleeding start to ease off naturally and you don't develop any pelvic pain, it's probably sorted itself out. They always said to go back if another period didn't arrive within 2 months.

Having said that, miscarriage care is better these days if still a long way off perfect. I'm sure it's worth checking with your GP. You're going to feel very down about it (sorry) but that might come later; it's all about your hormones re-jigging themselves :( They might also give you a vitamin shot - some of my friends' doctors did after all the blood loss, but I guess that's going to be determined by costs

Looking after yourself is important, especially when you've got too much on your plate and feel like you haven't got time or don't "deserve" it. Eat and drink properly, do one nice thing for your self each day, and rest. Ten minutes in a comfy chair, with a teddy or a cushion and some nice music, can do a lot of good. Your GP can give you some sleeping tablets - they're much gentler than they used to be, and you could have one now and again when you're knackered.

I hope that, once the majority of DC are off to school, you'll be able to take in hand some phone calls - GP, police, support team, kids' schools and a friend or neighbour. And stand out in the garden with the baby, look at something pretty and take some long, deep breaths!

I meant to say before: While it's not freezing outside, encourage the kids to play baseball on that stupid lawn

sorry "hearts" will catch up ( so tired I can't see to type)

I really don't know much about MC. Just concerned for you.
You could call NHS direct and ask them if you need to be seen?

Or why not start a MN thread "Do I need to see a Dr if I'm having a MC?"
I will gladly start that thread for you if you don't want to do it yourself? I'm sure the wisdom of MN will have the answer.

Hi honey how are you ? I hope you keeping strong and enjoying you internet freedom ?
Thankyou for the advice about mc if you want to pm we can chat x

x post
hi garlic,