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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
threefeethighandrising · 30/10/2011 01:29

Stronger not stringer! (is that even a word? My iPhone thinks so - typing this from bed on my phone with a sleeping DS beside me!)

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 03:38

Thanks three
I have got to tell myself it's not going to be easy I suppose
Ill try the tea, anything me help me sleep would be good right now!
X

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 03:44

Its like now when I find it hard, plus as soon as Monday comes and he finds out I'm not going to relate he and his family are going to be one one , so I need to sleep , because now I'm so tired I couldn't care,

Oh ever bloody noise is making me jump it was ds on his cot!
So glad I have this alarm here, x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 03:52

I was thinking about him... yes again and things come to mind , he used to make me feel guilty for being on my period? I used to apologises ??
It's normal fgs
I used to say I'm sorry it won't be long
How stupid was I ?

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 30/10/2011 04:21

You were not stupid, you were being controlled and manipulated! Well done for getting in touch with the police, I hope they get back to you first thing Monday morning.
Yellow Tang you are doing brilliantly considering everything you are going through.

FearfulYank · 30/10/2011 04:27

I am so proud of you, you are strong and amazing!

Just wanted to let you know someone is here; I am six hours behind you so often up and on Mumsnet when it's the middle of the night for you, so feel free to PM me any time.

catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 05:57

Good morning Yellowtang, hope you got some sleep. Just saw a thread I have been reading for a while and wondered if you had read it, another brave lady who got out of a similar situation a little while before you, thought it may help for you to have a look.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1303332-Leaving-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship-my-story?pg=1

Hope you have a better day, I would try and contact the police again too today, ask for the DV section as the DC you have seen may be on days off. Take care.

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 06:25

Wow I just read that thread it must have been so scary for the op, made me realise how bad mine is, I don't think mines bad but it is isn't it, the op said dv support worker or team? Why havnt I been given someone like that to talk to?
Managed to grab a cupple of hours sleep, x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 06:26

Thanks fearfulyank! I manage to get sleep in the end!

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 06:37

Good that you managed a couple of hours. And yours is bad yes but you are taking your life back now!!
I really suggest you call the police station and ask to speak to a member of the dv team, they really need to know about the contact he has been making to you. It may just be that the team member you saw was new and not well up on all the procedures, it really can't hurt to get in touch with them for some help and advise. Stay strong, you are doing so well!! :)

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 06:50

I just the end bit, she said she's had loads of support , I havnt seen one person, so that must mean that they don't see my situation as that bad, it carnt be or they would be taking it as seriously as the op's

I have a support worker from shine who I self refered to x
I am going to ring someone today thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 07:02

I am going to ring the police I mean

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 07:36

It really doesn't mean that they don't see your situation as serious at all, I think that the area you live in seems to be less competent, that's all. You need to call them and tell them that you NEED their support, it's their job.

ravenousbugblatterbeast · 30/10/2011 07:46

YT, that poster had been through the Freedom Programme already, and had been in contact with WA for a few years I think. The DV people have been good overall, although I've seen them being rather vague at times (I'm one of that poster's friends) so she's had to ring and be persistent to get good support. In fact the support from the police wasn't as robust as you've had (panic alarms etc) so it shows to me that at least someone within the organisation is taking your situation very seriously.

I know you say you've not got many friends around you, but please, try to think of someone who you could talk to or who could help. To be honest, I wasn't massively close to that poster - Precious - we were/are good friends, we'd just get on with our own lives for months on end, and then meet up for a coffee, then drift again, but as soon as I read that thread, my blood ran cold, and I knew that if there was anything I could do, I would do it. In a way it might be easier - we're not living close by, so there's no "risk" of either of us being stuck in a too-close relationship afterwards, and you can get back to a "normal" relationship of coffees and meeting up with the kids, once the trauma of the DV and any court action is over. I hope that doesn't sound heartless (sorry Precious!) but it's genuinely how I feel. So even if you don't have any very close friends, can you think of anyone you could approach?

You've made huge steps so far, and I hope Izzy is of help to you - she was certainly amazingly insightful with regard to my friend's situation, so please keep posting, and keep strong. You've had the wool pulled over your eyes for so long now, it must be dazzling to be out, but you're moving in the right direction. Just keep pushing for help.

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 07:57

Your situation is that bad...you just haven't been treated right...again. It shouldn't be the luck of the dra but it is.

YT I know you are scared and feel alone but look at how many people there are here on MN who believe you and are with you....we're all out here in Real life too...us and people like us just waiting to be your friends.

You will survive, you will be free, you will have a life and it will be good!

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 08:15

Thanks I have spent all week changing my mind about him, thinking i imagined it, that he could change ? Could he change? But with tha amazing support on here I'm starting to feel a little stronger, it a week today, and I know I dont want him back
I have just rung the police woman it answer phone, but she may not be working plus clocks have gone back!

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 08:17

Call the actual police station then, there will be someone there who can help.

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 08:32

Ok thankyou I will ring them then
I have an old school friend , she knows what's happened we have been texting each other
he's got both dd s so carnt wait for them to come back today then I'm stopping contact for a bit I think, well they go back to school Monday anyway x

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 08:34

I think stopping contact for a while may be good for them, they will be able to relax. It can be arranged so that he sees them at a contact centre maybe where he will have to behave...

catherinea1971 · 30/10/2011 08:35

Contact your friend, see if she can come and spend some time with you.

noseinbook · 30/10/2011 10:39

Hope you rang. Sending you strength.

NettleTea · 30/10/2011 11:12

You also need to fill the school in on what has been happening or he may try to co-ordinate a meeting at the school. Is there any way they could let you collect the children slightly earlier or later, nd with accompanyment. If you explain about the bail conditions I am sure they they would make sure that they are not responsible for allowing them to be broken.

Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 11:22

I will ask the school , and then he won't be able to collect them at all, 3 are at primary school not sure what to do about 2 at secondary? There's nothing stopping him picking them up, they catch the bus or walk normally
There's alot to think about
Even changing my passwords on things ,
I am going to ring relate in the morning to see if there is an appointment or not??
I have rung the police station it's just answer phonne so I left a message x

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowtang · 30/10/2011 11:25

My ds is ment to having a party at home on the 5 th nov due you think I could still it I don't know what to do, if he turns up ? Which I doubt it very much ?

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 13:24

I would tell the police about it, Yellow, so they're alert to the possibility. If he shows anywhere near, you can use your panic button.

No reason why he should be dictating whether you can have a party for DS or not!