Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Wow Yellowtang, you have come so far since your original post, I thing you and foolonthehill helping each other through this will benefit you both. As well as some of the amazing advice and insights you have been getting on here. Did you say you had contacted the police? :)

you are SO not on your own xxx

good in a way that he actually texted you direct. Can you please PLEASE take it to the police, as he has totally broken his bail agreement now, and it would do him good to see that there are lines he cannot cross....

xxxxx and hugs to you xxxx

Hello YT - I have not posted before but I wanted to add my support. I have no experience in this situation but you deserve a good and happy life and you sound like a great mum....by getting rid of this man you are on your way to a happier life where you are free to be the woman you want to be - sorry if that sounds corny but I mean it in the most genuine way

Yes, it has been a great help to me to say 'my solicitor advises me to...'

But even more if you can go 'the police say you MUST NOT...'

Not directly to him, though, I should make clear!

But you SHOULD be telling THE POLICE if he is breaking his bail conditions. You have appealed to the law, quite rightly, now you have to follow through.

So so sorry
Tell me to go eat My m& ms
But im very upity downity tonight, its harder at night all of a sudden all of the dc are in bed and I'm on my own , I miss him just please let me get this out no one has to reply , I want him to put his arms around me and tell me thing are going to alright. It's so hard doing it all on your own, baby took ages to settle tonight , ds 4 is being a pain hitting everyone , I got through it all in bed now But it feels shit
And I don't know it so upsetting I was ok 30 mins ago , now I'm in bits
Why did I ever choose him ? I had the choice, two men , the other now happily married , not that I want him but I made a big mistake
I feel so lost , I don't know what to do , how to manage all the money ,what to do on Halloween , he's always been their by my side , this is so hard, and it hurts like mad
I didn't think I could cry anymore , thoughty tears ran out for him
I think seeing him Well the back of his head ,
Fireworks are going off alot tonight ,
we did all that stuff together
He bought / blinded me with me alot of materistic things
He would spend alot on meat from the the butchers , his mest had to be the best ,never bought cheep crap
Everything he bought , his fish , the kids wanted a goldfish , he bought hi
Himself clown fish, the kids wanted grass to play on he put down the best lush green grass the kids carnt play on,he could find
He doesn't give up always wins
Always comes out on top
I miss him
Trying to think of things to do next week
To keep busy x i will get through this xx

Hi Yellow, just to let you know you're still in my thoughts.

I know it must feel nearly impossible but you must stop sending him messages and tell the police what's going on.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage as other's have said, try your best to eat properly and visit the drs when you feel you can. Accept any offers of help except from him and his family and get as much rest as you can.

It's probably a good idea to let the school know what's going on on Monday. They can keep a quiet eye out for if your DC are upset or acting out, they'll be forewarned about any manipulative behaviour from him and they might be able to offer or put you in touch with additional sources of help and support.

Wishing continuing strength to you and fool and have everything crossed for you both. (((hugs)))

I did ring them and left a message on her answer phone

He has sent you a text? i.e you have a text on your phone that has come direct from him and not through his sister?

Yes it came from him to me
The other texts from him were for dc but this one was for me

x-posted

Yellow, I have thankfully never had to deal with an abusive relationship but I would imagine you're feeling a massive tangled mess of emotions right now. That's OK for now, time and space from him will help you sort through it all eventually - there's no rush. Be kind to yourself - whatever you're feeling is OK. You've done an incredibly hard but necessary thing and you need time to grieve, even though you know deep down you're doing the right thing.

xx

If I have miscarried well I think I
May , grief or something later that will sound harsh I
Putting it out my mind , I had so much going on that it was a relief and hate me for it but that's the truth. I think it may have been best ,I carnt have another baby now , the dc I have need me , and I
Not well in pregnancy so it wouldn't of been kind to them x

YT you're never really alone...we're all here...many people on here are much wiser than me...but I'm happy to share the journey, tho' not happy that you have to be on it too.

Take the text to the police!!!!!!

Of course you miss him...only not really him is it..the nice caring friend and lover who is a partner and support...that's not really him, but it IS who you deserve...so let yourself be sad...not just for now...for all the times he has abused you, let you down and undermined you. It was never your fault (and no I don't mean you are perfect...just normally flawed like the rest of us!)

yellowtang this may sound daft, but have you kept your teddy? Or is there a cuddly toy that your kids have that seems like it would be good to cuddle.?
I have my old pandy, my old teddy, and a soft-toy platypus. The platypus has wise eyes

Save that text. It's your 'get out of jail free' card.

Noseinbook
It doesn't sound daft at all, since I posted my first thread on here about my childhood I wanted my teddy I had from birth, it's in the loft x

Thanks freedom I'm scared to go on a program , read the book that everyones recommending , read
My thread from the start Evan, I won't read it back until it's over
I have herd good things About the freedom program,
You have done well freedom x maybe one day I will be able to do something like you x

Teddy, pandy, and plat send hugs.

Borrow one of the kid's, or are they all in bed with them?

Yes but they have more than one
Thanks x just what I need tonight

Hi YellowTang,

I've just sat and read all your thread typoed up a really thoughtful reply then actidentally switched the computer off (doh!) but I came back as I really wanted to tell you how well you're doing (just in case you didn't already know that or were maybe having a 'funny five minutes'.

I aslo wanted to second what was said earlier about reporting his text message to you to the police he is pushing boundaries with you and will continue to do so until he is pulled up on it.

He started breaching his bail conditions by texting via he sister, that was ok but wasn't getting him what he wanted, but as he hadn't been (for want of a better word) 'pulled up' on it he moved on. Next he used the dc's (very very low btw, a loving parent would not want to drag them into this, would YOU do that???) he still hasn't been 'pulled up', so he's getting more confident again. Now he ses no reason not to contact you direct (despite being in direct contravention of his bail conditions!).

You do need to challenge it, what of his other bail conditions will he feel he doesn't need to observe?

I want also to say it is not your fault for not challenging him eariler he is a natural manipulator pushing and pushing and pushing at the boundaries until before you realise it, he has you where he wants you (in this case in text contact so he can try to reassert his control over the family, or send you emotionally blackmailing 'titbits'.

I really hope you stay strong Yellowtang, really much as the emotional crap you are going through at the momment is hard,

What may helpis to start picturing yourself a year from now and in two different scenarios, one with him and one without, then work out where you would rather be...

So who are you cuddling? a teddy, a doggy, a pussy cat....

yellowtang, you're doing so well, just wanted to add my voice of support.

I agree with the others, you need to tell the police about the text. It's exhausting dealing with men like that isn't it? The constant pushing of boundaries. He needs to be told, and that's what the police are there for - they're there to help you. The bail conditions are there to protect you, but they'll only work if you help the police enforce them.

So sorry to hear you're having to deal with a MC too. Have you got an appointment to see the doctor? Shouldn't you get checked out if it is a MC?

Sorry I've just realised I sound like a tremendous nag! I don't mean to be! Just trying to help, I hope it does. I was in a relationship with a man I shouldn't have been for too long, so glad to be out of it now. The spell was broken a long time ago, I can't imaging what I ever saw in him now! You'll be there too, the spell he has over you will break eventually, the more time you are apart from him, the easier it will get.

Hi thankyou for the support! It's really helped x

Carnt sleep again , but I'm really tired,
Your all so right he's pushing it, I thought that when he bought the car back ! Parked just of our drive way, it maybe Monday before the police get back to me but they will know I have rung on sat

It's so hard to know what to with time? 7th keep you busy but it's those other moments you need to fill

I think I feel a little stronger now than I did
It's a week right about now! X

It's not surprising you're not sure what to fill those moments with right now, as men like that want your whole life to be about them, slowly but surely encouraging you to get rid of your friends and any interests of your own. So it's not surprising when he's gone there's a hole, but that doesn't mean he's the answer, far from it!

How long is it since you saw some friends or did stuff just for you? Over time you will start to get yourself back, and he will seen less and less relevant to your life. You'll be able to rekindle old friendships and make new ones. You'll be able to do stuff you want to do, free from making you feel bad for it.

I find chamomile tea can sometimes help me sleep when my mind's racing (I know some people gave recommended stringer stuff, but i thought i'd mention it as it's so gentle, and no harm in trying it, if you like that kind of thing?)