Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Itsmeandpumkinnow I carnt sleep it's horrible, I'm on here till stupid hours

Tonight was calm in the house the kids were noisy of course I havnt turned into super nanny overnight , but there's was no stress no problems , my jacket potato had fucking hard bits in but who cares , it doesn't really matter does it?

Some of you on here from what you have said on here have been in worse situations so you know where I'm at , it's a big help to know x
Bbs
There's a war breaking out!

Oh, YellowTang - I have been reading this and feeling so much for you.

I have 4 DCs - and my DH died when they were 15, 13, 8 and 5. I was totally at a loss - I was like a little boat without rudder - tossed around and just simply didn't know what to do to keep things 'together'. Does this ring a bell?

I just got up every day...........(very hard) and MADE them do what I said (hard that one, and took lots of deep breaths from me and just repeating over and over again, very calmly what I wished them to do. Christ!!!! it was fucking hard! But they got it in the end! But - what your children will suffer is the same as mine - the loss of their 'dad'. I'm luckier than you as in my kids' father was a really nice guy - but the problems are the same. Please do not go back to him - he's distorting their perception of a normal life................You wouldn't want your children to make relationships like this - now would you????

Fifteen years down the line - I'm here to tell you that I survived! My children are the MOST wonderful thing in my life - all growd up and just wonderful! They all live away and I speak to all of them at least once a week.

Stay strong Yellow Tang - and remember it is your children's future which is at stake!

Busy
That's the problem I grew up without a dad and this is worst bit for me, baby is 5 months old he is going to grow up without his dad not knowing him as a proper dad, this is the bit that breaks my heart , and 7 little hearts growing up without their dad

I wish I wasnt in this situation
I carnt wait for the dc to be in bed, it's all building up and I need to get it out
That must of been so hard to Get through busy with all your dc? It's a different grief I suppose I don't know
You got through it though x

This man was no decent father to his children really was he?. He treated you as their mother abusively and kept your under his complete control; those are not the actions of a decent man but a damaged one. Your children do not need his malign prescence in their day to days lives; they can make up their own minds about him when they are old enough.

Bash a pillow, you have every right to be angry at him. It was not your fault this happened to you; you were conditioned and groomed to accept him as your lot in life.

Your dad deserted you when you were young; he also let you down abjectly as did your mother. It is no surprise to me that you went off the rails as you did in earlier life but to your eternal credit you are now rid of this abusive man who has controlled your every move, thought and action for the past 14 years. Keep being rid of him; if you let him back into your life he will only up the control ante again and you will be allowed no freedom at all.

He's just text my phone, asking for dd , she rang him earlier and he said tell ur mum I love her, don't know what to say , dd has gone to get another phone to ring him on

YT stay strong..you are the best thing that has ever happened to your children, next best was the day you showed them that a real relationship is not abusive..sure it's really difficult now, of course, you are tired out, emotionally, physically and spiritually. But you will regrow. This man has made you into a shadow of you...you are so strong and so capable. Do it one minute at a time and one day you will look back and know it is the right thing.

Don the teflon suit of armour for all comments coming your way and don't let that man in under the radar...the nice stuff is for show, you know what he is really like [hug]

Thankyou fool,
Dd just gave me a hug and a kiss and said that's from dad, I know it's all crap it hurts
he wants to see baby tommorow that's going to be hard for me I don't want him to go
We watched a film tonight , I let the dc pink and we never could pick before it was his choice, they were so good and I felt for the first time in ages I could BREATH ! Wow what a feeling
Realising tonight that He didn't really care about me it's a big wakup call , the penny's still dropping
When u all Said he doesn't love/care about you I can see it x
Thankyou for helping me throught this

YT we're all on the journey...I sent mine packing just last Sunday...he's not going quietly.
Keep in mind how you feel without him.................the space to breathe will give you strength to carry on.

Ask DD for a hug from her...!

we'll all get through this somehow.

We will all get through this because we can x

When one of the parents is not a good role model, it's far better for children to grow up in a single parent household.

In your case, you grew up without a dad and the reason this has had a particularly profound impact on you is because your dm was not a loving and caring mother and, as an only child, you had no siblings to 'compare notes with' or provide some compensatory factors to alleviate your lonlieness.

In effect, you 'mothered' yourself and sought a father figure to fill the paternal role at the earliest opportunity.

In your idealised childhood view of what constitutes a 'daddy and mummy' , the male is essentially an authoritarian figure who dispenses discipline while the female dispenses maternal comfort.

If you were engaging in word association and the word was 'father' I suspect that you would respond with words such as 'firm' 'manly' 'boundaries' and you would associate words such as 'tender' 'loving' 'caring' with 'mother'.

I hope you can see that your childhood sterotypical view of the parental roles has been assiduously reinforced by the father of your children and that you are beginning to realise that, in many respects, the roles of male and female parents are interchangeable and that fathers are as just capable of admnistering tender loving care as women are capable of setting firm boundaries for their children.

In saying it 'breaks your heart' to think of 7 little hearts growing up without their dad you're venturing into the realm of unreasoned sentimentality as those 7 little hearts stand a far better of chance of growing up whole and healthy in a single parent household with you than in a 2 parent family where their father abuses their mother on a regular, if not daily, basis, to say nothing of the jealousy he exhibits when their mother administers to their needs rather than his.

I don't want to be seen to hog the thread but the weekend is looming and it is highly likely that he is going to crank it up in order to get back into what he sees as solely 'his' home in the next couple of days.

I've seen that he's told one of the dd's to tell you he loves you and he wants to see the baby.

He's running true to form so it's 'game on' and we now need to outflank him and equip you with sufficient phrases and responses to keep him in the 'holding' position.

Just remember, he doesn't like it when you brush your dd's hair and she does the same for you.

That's not a good dad. He doesn't like you being close as a family - it's all about him.

In a normal relationship, if one parent brushes a dc's hair & vice versa, it makes the other parent smile and get nice tender feelings - it can be a precious and warm moment.

It's not normal to want to get in between and put a stop to it.

He wants to see the baby tomorrow. How do you know this? Who told you? Was it another message from his dsis or are you saying he's now sending messages to you via the dc?

How are you keeping, Yellowtang? Did the bleeding stop, and did you phone the doctor? Please make sure you eat proper food; I know it's hard with so much going on.

Your film night sounds lovely :) Another good memory for your new happy family store!

Thinking of you.

Izzy my dd rang him last night and was passing messages from him to me

Tonight not last night x

Hi garlic Hope your ok?
I'm still bleeding, it more painful too, I think I'm over the worst of it, I havnt been doctors there's nothing they can do , the police medical wasn't nice at all so there's no way I am having a doctor touch me now, I had an early mc before.
I'm so tired, looking forward to Monday when the dc are at school x

Izzy thankyou for explaining that in you last two posts it makes alot of sence! How do you know all this stuff? Thanks x

Hi Yellowtang, I have been following your thread from the start and have to say you have been so very strong and dignified. You have been through so much recently and over so many years.
I feel that you have been worrying about keeping your partner happy for so long that you have forgotten about looking after yourself.
I worked as a qualified nurse for years on gynae wards and I am worried about your health right now. From what you have posted hun you could well be having an early miscarriage, however your pregnancy may still be viable as I have nursed pregnant women with very heavy bleeding who carried full term. I do strongly believe that you should get yourself to A&E and get yourself checked out, if you have or are miscarrying sometimes the process is left incomplete and can cause further problems.

You owe it to yourself and your other darling children to be well and healthy, your children need you be healthy and strong, especially now.
You are doing so well dealing with what he has put you through, taking control after so many years of abuse cannot have been easy.
Please look after yourself.

yellowtang - you really need to get something legally in place to stop his constant harrassment of you via either his sister or your children. Have you spoken to the police about this? Could you discuss your options with Women's Aid?

It is utterly unacceptable. He is continuing to fuck about with your mind, and your cildren's minds. It cannot continue.

I just thought I could get through this without going throughout more ,I can see what your saying, I don't think I am still pregnant though, it's going to have to wait until Monday but I'll try go doctors x

Agatha crusty
I was going to contact the solicitors on wedsday when she's back, I'll talk to her about it

I thought is better for the dc to speak to him but like last night he might as well have been sat in the room with us.

I understand that you would rather not put yourself through anymore, especially after going through a police medical. Going to the gp's would be a good idea I think you should also let your gp know all that you have been going through recently, they may be able to offer some support or suggest where locally you can access some.

Agatha, I totally agree, surely he is breaching his bail conditions getting minors to pass messages on, not to mention that he is obviously trying to keep control of the children. My ex used to cry on the phone to my dd saying he couldn't live without her and all kinds of stuff, she was 8 at the time, these men truly do not deserve to be called either men or fathers!!!

Yes he is breaching his bail conditions he's not allowed to contact me indirectly or directly
But I have said I will go to relate, but I havnt told him , it's keeping his sister of my back, but will have to soon it's on
Monday, so I may have given him some hope, I shouldn't of done really.

If he is breaching his bail conditions then please contact the police YT, are you sure he has managed to get a relate appointment so soon, I really thought that there was a waiting list, tell the police about that too.

I personally would stop the children from speaking to him for now at least, he can't care about there feelings and wellbeing when he is getting them to pass messages on like that, what else is he saying to them??? I only found out what my ex was saying to my daughter because I picked up the other phone to listen in as she was getting so distressed after talking to him.