Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

he wants me to go relate with him

He is on bail; he cannot have any contact with you but he wants you to go to Relate with him? What planet is he on?

I seem to recall that someone has already advised you that no reputable counsellor will recommend joint counselling in your case as he is a manipulator who will use his skills to turn any session to his advantage and favour. In the unlikely event that you are offered 'joint counselling' say NO.

Use his dsis to let him know that Relate is out of the question until the police have concluded their investigation but that there is no reason why he shouldn't seek individual counselling from his gp and also attend an anger management course.

I'm doing all the wrong things No, you're NOT doing all the wrong things, honey. You've never been in this situation before and it's not surprising that you feel overwhelmed and don't know which way to turn.

As so many of us have told you, when you feel confused, when you feel pressured, when you feel that you might simply give in because you feel so tired of it all, READ YOUR POST AGAIN - FROM THE BEGINNING.

I'm stupid arnt I

One thing you are very definitely NOT, yellowtang, is stupid

hi yellowtang

been lurking on this thread, and can see that right now it seems so hard to break with everything you know

but hold onto to all the times you didnt want to go to bed, cos he was there, and all the times you cringed when you heard his key in the door and all the times you stressed over quite how you would phrase some words about something you know he wouldnt like.

would you be happy if any of your kids were in this sort of relationship? of course not! so its not good enough for you. dont keep thinking of him and how he is feeling, thats not relevant because if you let him back it will be WORSE than it was before

really, think of your kids on the settee eating pizza and playing with crap toys, and you being able to enjoy this

this is the hardest time, stay focused x

Hi dinkydoos
I know your right , I feel I have hit a brick wall? I have got this far but don't know how to go any further , the only way I can see the arrow pointing is back home,

I just don't know what to do , how to carry on, he's always been there and all I saw of him has gone ,

Izzy I'm scared to , I don't want to

There is no brick wall and the only way the arrow is pointing is forward - even if, in time, you allow him to live with you again there are ways to make sure that you do not go back to a future of being used and abused by him.

All that you can do at the moment is sit tight and wait to see how the police investigation proceeds. Did you ask your support worker to contact them - or have the police been in contact with you today?

Once you've made it through this first weekend you will find that your thoughts start to become more coherent.

BTW, as for him not being to remember what he did to you last Saturday, he is a liar. He knows full well what what he said and what he did because, in common with elephants, a contoller never forgets.

ok so youre thinking 'actually its not that bad. hes never hit me. the kids love him. compared to some of the threads on here , hes great!

not true! its so hard to value yourself after a relationship like this, sounds lke classic pysco babble but its true. this isnt what life should be. honestly

your kids may love him, but they probably have a deep rooted fear ( lets say at best a wariness) of annoying him. this is wrong.

do you sometimes see tv programmes or films where you see good relationships and think ' i wish' ? well that sort of thing is what you deserve not the crap you are enduring

you have come so far ( cliche cliche i know) but i know that if you think deeply right now and fast forward to one months time there will be 2 scenarios available to you

1 . you have accepted his remorse and you even could be at relatewhere he tells everyone what he has had to put up with. and deep down you have a sick feeling in your stomach that he is coming back and you are back to square one

2. you have got past this AWFUL period where absolutely evryone in this situation wants it all to go away and return the status quo cos it seems better, and are actually tough the other side. where you can see afuture, have hope and see some fun and light in your life

even if you have to auto pilot there, just try and get through to this side!

yellowtang just sit tight and tread water for the time being, you are not currently in a fit state to make any decisions, just stand by the one you have made already. PS You have been inspirational, but I am and if my saying so is putting pressure on you.

After all that happened in such a short of time, you'd be some kind of robot if you weren't feeling as you do now.

But there comes a time when you have to say 'okay, enough of these maudlin thoughts, fuck it - I'm just not going to torture myself any more and whatever's bothering me isn't important 'cos I can think it about tomorrow, or another day'. And then you pour yourself a and curl up with a dvd or a good book for a hour or so before going to bed to sleep the sleep of the just.

Yellotang you are doing well so far. Really, don't contact him or his sister unless it's about your dcs. Not all men are like your ex-twunt.

Stay strong yellowtang, we are all behind you. You are not stupid, you are a strong brave woman in an incredibly difficult and stressful situation, it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed at times.

Whenever you feel you need just come on here, this is your space to be however you are, sad, angry, etc.

It will get easier I promise, this is the hardest time, but as time goes by and you reclaim more of your 'real self' that he has attempted to crush, the more you will be able to see him for what he really is.

You are so not stupid, darling, you're an amazing mother and a bright & funny woman! You're going through a difficult time ... and you've been through them before, haven't you.

Quite a few of the bad times before were actually caused by your H, weren't they, when he smashed your head into a mirror and didn't like your daughter brushing your hair and didn't care whether you wanted sex as long as he did, and ... the other stuff. Years and years of other stuff, jumping up when you heard him coming, worrying about the right way to say something in case the word you chose ticked him off, stopping the kids playing in case they ticked him off, always worrying about doing and buying and saying and being whatever might not piss him off.

And he's bloody causing this difficult time as well He doesn't care about how you're feeling, whether you're sick and need help, whether the DC are contented ... all he cares about is hassling you to get you back in line asap, kiss his golden dick and lick his shoes clean!

The horrible truth is that, now he's hurt you a couple of times physically, he wouldn't stop there. He wouldn't stop - and, if he got back in, he'd get worse pretty fast :(

So on the one side of your brick wall, there's that - fear for you, squashing your amazing personality to make him feel powerful, telling the children to be quiet and not to brush your hair :( On the other side is having a laugh, encouraging the kids to express themselves, seeing them grow up sane and balanced, seeing yourself blossom into the person you always were inside.

It's a no-brainer really. Just a bit of sitting it out, saying NO, letting the TRUTH be known for once.

And a call to the doctor's in the morning, steak for lunch (!) and talking with Womens Aid.

You will do it fine, because you can and because you know it's right for your DC and for you. You're an amazing person. xx

Its effing hard sweetheart, but you will be ok I promise...just dont let him back in.

Just read right through your thread yellow - you are one brave, together and inspirational woman. You really are.

You've got a lot to cope with right now and I think if you just focus on getting as much rest and calm in to the day as you can and getting ready for DCs to go back to school on Mon that's enough for the next 3 days.

I'd second getting that support worker to provide a bit more help and support - but you'll have to be open with her about you are really feeling I think so that she can see what you need.

Keep going Yellow you'll feel a lot better in the next few weeks, honestly. Stay strong and focus on you and DCs.

Thankyou x pains worse , it's horrible, but I m so tired, carmt sleep ATM

Yellow, I've just read through this entire thread and I want to say how proud I am of you.

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I was so besotted with this man that I didn't even notice that he was changing me - molding me to who he wanted me to be. He took away my confidence, my friends, my job, my life. I lost the confident feisty woman that I once was and I became a shadow.

I often felt that I was only a mother and a wife. I wasn't a woman anymore. It was the day I realized that I hadn't worn make-up in years (like your OH, he didn't like it), I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed and I didn't have anything outside the walls of my house, I knew I was done.

I packed up my children and I walked out that day and I never ever went back.

It was hard yes but it was so worth it. Now, after 2 years of it just being me and my DCs, I'm dating a new man. He's kind and respects me as a woman. He makes me laugh until I cry and he's actually interested in what I have to say.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread but what I'm trying to show you is that it gets better and you can be happy again. I know you have alot of complications involved right now but the main thing is that you and your children are safe from this man.

I wish you all the best in the world, I really do. Stay strong.

yellowtang I have just been reading thru your post for the last couple of hours as I couldn't sleep & just wanted to say I think you're amazing.

I had to skim thru it towards the end as my dc will be waking soon & i wanted to get to the end (so far) but i thought i read that your OH wants you to go to Relate with him? Surely it wouldn't be right to consider this would it. You don't want a future with him do you, even if he says he will change. (sorry if I did read it wrong earlier)

Your children love you so much & will be so proud of you when they're older & realise what you have been through for the past 14 yrs.

And I just wanted to say that izzywhizzysfritenite you have been amazing on here for yellowtang.

Please keep posting & know that there are so many women out here thinking of you, praying for you & willing you to be strong, stronger every day.

Best wishes xx

Hi thankyou for the last few posts, it gives you that extra push to carry on ,
I was thinking this morning, why don't I know what I want to do? Have him back or not, and it because I have never had to make big disisions before , I had to dig very deep to find myself the answer that I don't want him back, but I still carnt say it, so today I'm sticking with that and giving
Myself a day,
I'm not answering to his sister, or anyone about it because I need to dig deep in me to find the answer iykwim? It's no good my sw telling
Me I shouldn't take him back,
I did tell his sister I wod go relate with him but that should keep them of my back for today
It's nice to here the new posters story's , gives me hope x thanks

yellowtang your feelings are completely understandable. This is a big change, it's still so fresh right now, and you're breaking the habits of many years. It's incredibly destabilising stuff. Go you for understanding that you need to dig deep within yourself to find your own answers.

I wanted to address your difficulty sleeping. I was also unable to sleep after I finally grasped the nettle and split from my abusive stbxh. It's horrible: you need to sleep. Can you ask your GP for something to help you sleep? One thing that helped me (along with valerian pills, and later stronger sleeping pills) was to listen to a sophrology CD to help me drift off: basically a soothing voice telling me to relax and mentally "let go" of each part of my body one by one, starting from the toes and working your way up. Basically, do anything that you think will be the most relaxing for you before bed.

And by the way, if either he or his dsis try to manipulate you into going to Relate because you said you would, remember that you have the right to change your mind.

My advice, Yellowtang, would be to sit it out and try to go with 'him not coming back'.

If he comes back, you will be 'nearly' back to square one. You won't be exactly the same as you will have been through this separation experience, but, you will then be faced with all the SAME issues AGAIN. You will have to deal with them all AGAIN on a daily basis 24/7 and, if you ultimately then split again, you will then, again, have to start the long process of picking yourself up all over again.

There will be a power battle probably if he comes back as you have started to find out how oppressed and limited you have been in your life.

Hi yellowtang - I've been lurking on this thread and I have no real advice for you (apart from don't let him back in - because he WILL get worse once he has you where he wants you - now he knows you are capable of breaking away he will be more controlling and possibly even violent) but I wanted to say i'm thinking of you and I hope you stay strong for your sake and your dcs'. :)

yellowtang I've been reading your thread but haven't posted until now.

I just wanted to say this. If you go back to him, in all probability nothing will change long-term, beyond the short-term (hours?, days?, weeks?) effort he may initially make.

So, at some point in the future, you will be in the position of wanting, or needing, him to leave again. At that point you will have to go through all of this again.

It would surely be better for you to make the clean break now. Think of it as ripping the plaster off quickly, rather than slowly and tortuously.

Keep going. You've been strong. You will get through this. Your children will thank you for it some day.

I think the digging deep and finding you dont want him back is the single most important thing - you managed to find the small voice inside yourself that spoke your truth, and the longer you manage to stay away, the stronger that voice will get. That small voice is you, it was hard to find it because he has conditioned you to disbelieve your true self, he has crushed it down into the depths of your soul, he has made you doubt your own decisions, to be so dependant upon everyone else telling you what to do, unable to make decisions in case they were wrong and backfired on you. You have spent so many years suppressing that voice that it has retreated to preserve itself, but now you have a chance to allow your true self to rise back to the fore, despite the treatment you have recieved, you are still there, you were not destroyed, and you need to trust what it is telling you.
I was in a similar situation - the first time I asked my ex to leave I had to bring a friend round to listen to what was said, as I was aware that I really didnt trust my own judgement anymore - didnt know what to believe, what was paranoia, what was truth, what was lies. Well, I DID, but he had done such a number on me that I didnt trust myself, and the gaslighting certainly didnt help. He wasnt violent, certainly not at that stage. Sadly I believed all his lies about how he would change and it took another 4-5 years before I was finally free. During that first time my friends commented how they were pleased to see me be myself again, in retrospect I cant believe that I allowed myself to be sucked back in, I didnt feel that I HAD been when I was in it for the second time, but its so insiduous that even when I was looking out for it I didnt see it happening, and it progressed to being far far worse psychologically than it ever was before.

It must be terrifying going it alone after he's been in charge so long. But please listen to that voice that is telling you not to take him back.

Now the violence has started (re-started?), the genie is well and truly out of the bottle. And he'd need to make you pay for rebelling. Not straight away, maybe, but he would.