Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

If you're still bleeding, sweetheart, please do ring your doctor or at least NHS Direct. What does it feel like to you? You know your own body.

I'd also suggest giving your WA support worker a call, if you're able to contact her. Otherwise, ring the helpline because I think they'll be able to help you settle things down for a bit.

Everybody's walking all over you, even the kids!! Okay, if it's too much hassle to stop DD going then don't make yourself ill. But FGS don't have him near the house or speak to him. Can she wait on the corner for him?

Wish I was there to make some of the calls and a cuppa for you.

Sorry to hear what you're going through, OP.

Could you go to your family planning clinic and get the shot? and not tell him?

Sorry. Didn't realise you could be expecting

Given the circumstances, it's unacceptable to have him, via his dsis, continue to make demands of you particularly with regard to suggesting that he needs to know 'if it's over' before he sees a solicitor.

Last weekend he was arrested (most probably 'on suspicion' at that point) of committing a criminal offence and given police bail on condition he does not approach you or go near the family home. The majority of people in his situation would already have seen a solicitor by now and I suspect that he's lying if his dsis is maintaining that he hasn't.

Albeit that he has been bailed to his dsis's address and isn't living in the family home, it seems that he's continuing to dictate terms to you as per normal.

I wish I was there with you too. After we'd made you comfortable on the sofa with a cuppa, garlic can kick your support worker's arse into gear while I'd be on the phone tying his sister in knots - and by the time I'd finished with her, he'd be fit to be tied.

There are two words you can use to anyone who is making unnecessary and unrealistic demands of you at this particular time namely, 'fuck off', said with an accompanying hand gesture if you are speaking to the pest in person.

For the sake of your sanity tell his dsis to take a hike, honey, because there is no percentage in making far-reaching decisions under pressure.

Next week the older dc wlll be back at school and you'll have a little more time available to process the traumatic events of the past few weeks and get a perspective on everything that has happened.

Until then, take a deep breath and resolve to put anything to do with him out of your mind until you can sit down, put your feet up, and give some considered thought to your options and your future.

You may not be getting adequate or sufficient help in real life, but you know that all the support you need is available to you here 24/7.

Your positive test result seems to have been forgotten in the thread. But it's a fairly big issue, surely??

I don't think anyone's forgotten it, Clam. Yellowtang has 7 children, she doesn't need telling about pregnancy. She might be in hospital now but where's the point in second-guessing?

The big issue, clam, is that because yellowtang is NOT getting the real life support she needs either from the police or her 'support worker', she is in danger of succombing to pressure from her abuser's, and her own, relatives and allowing the manipulative, controlling, and abusive father of her 7 children to return to the family home.

If, as yellowtang suspects, she is miscarrying at a very early stage of her latest pregnancy, this will be yet more emotional stress for her to add to the considerable tally of traumatic events she has experienced since posting on this board barely 2 weeks ago and she will be even more vulnerable to undue influence and pressure to reunite with her abuser.

In any event, her positive pregnancy test is inconsequential compared with the urgent need to secure the immediate and future welfare and wellbeing of yellowtang and her dc.

Yellowtang, when you read this - you're having such a hard time and you don't deserve it. Please call your support worker, talk to whoever you can get hold of at the doctor's and Womens Aid ... If you've been in hospital, I hope they rustled up some better support for you.

It's gutting that DD and H managed to get in touch just as you were going through yet another crisis. Don't feel bad if you did ask him for help, nobody can be a hundred percent strong a hundred percent of the time.

Thinking of you. x

Much as I find the notion of yellowtang allowing her abuser to return to the family home distressing to say the least, I would be more distressed if, at a time when she is under immense pressure from him/his family/her family, she also felt pressured by any need to be an 'inspiration' on this board.

If yellowtang feels that she has little option but to recommence living with the father of her children, I hope that she will come back to this board for advice as to the best way of ensuring that he is unable to exercise the same degree of control that he used to cut her off from the joy of life for so many years.

Hi
I did speak to my support worker, she rung me and we had a long talk about me, him and his sister, my mind is changing by each minuets that passes and his sister has been texting ringing most alot , she probably want him out her house, she said he's going to leave me alone and he will pay the mortgage this month, she wanted answers as to if it's over, he's talked about selling the house if it's over.
He's had the kids today for 2 hours 6 of them not baby, I needed a break they have been arguing all day he took the car too but he bought it back, dd2 asked to go on my phone and the message was left on so she read it .

I spoke to his sister on the phone too, bbs

yellowtang thanks for updating. You sound exhausted.

Would you consider not reading any texts from his sister -- maybe giving your phone for a trusted person to screen for you?

When my abusive ex moved out and I was a confused wreck, it helped me tremendously to hand over my phone and e-mail passwords to a trusted family member who filtered out the manipulative crap from ex, and only gave me the "need to know" concrete information.

Can't say I'm impressed by his "baby I want you back - but you better decide now since otherwise I'm selling the house" tactic. Really changed man .

Firstly, honey, how are you feeling physically?

As for him, it's no surprise that he's continued to manipulate you through others and that he's begun cranking it up so soon - it shows how desperate he is to get back in control of you.

His dsis might have said that he's going to leave you alone, but he won't. He'll carry on using her and anyone he can to relentlessy pressure you in every which way possible.

Re selling the house, that's just another attempt to keep the pressure on by scaring you into thinking you'll lose your home. Check with your solicitor and you'll find that if you're named on the mortgage/deeds he can't sell the house without your consent, and that even if you're not named he'll have great difficulty if he tries to force you and the dc out of your home.

As for the implied threat that he's only going to pay the mortage for this month, again check with your solicitor as to what may may happen if he stops payment and also raise the issue of child support, if you haven't already done so.

It's only natural that your thoughts are all over the place at the moment but take it one day at a time and make no binding decisions until your mind starts to calm down.

What is this with him taking the car and bringing it back? If you're saying that the car was outside the house and he came in person to collect it, he may have broken one of his conditions of bail.

Did the dc go in the car with him? Did he come to your front door and did he talk to you either when he collected the car or when he returned it with, or without, the dc?

His sister said he carnt remember what Happened that night , probably because he was so drunk, but that doesn't matter if he was drunk or not.
Garlic why do you say everyone's walking over me, I wanted the kids to go see him today because I just needed to lie down a bit, dd2 asked if she could see her dad and I said yes,

I remembered something one of you said it might of been izzy, I asked his Sis if he would go counciling , I just wanted to know if he would or not , then if he does I know he wants to change , I'm not going to due anything yet , just going to see what he does,she text back and said he will do anything to save his kids and family?

I'm still bleeding , and my backs nagging? I'm not really sure how far I am not to far , but don't think you can bleed this much, it's like a period now , but woke up in a puddle sorry tmi xx

Thank god you got hold of the support worker! Good to hear from you :)

It's useful that he took the kids for a bit. But, blimey, your Twat and his sister are really trying to twist your thoughts and force your hand, aren't they? They can't force you. Sit tight. Try not to check their messages at all, maybe do them all at once, once a day? Then you'll get any urgent news, but all the push-pull manipulations stuff will be easier to see for the harassment it is.

How are you? Well, knackered, obviously ... did the bleeding stop, or what happened?

It's be good if the support worker could come and see you tomorrow. Any chance?

The car was on the front, his sisters oh drove him just around the corner then his sis oh came to mine and drove car with dc to him itms

Oh, crossed post. Sorry for mouthing off, Yellowtang, really

Sounds like an early miscarriage :( Mine were like really heavy periods, with a sort of heavy ache. The bleeding makes you weak - you'll need plenty of fluids and some iron. If you eat meat, try and have a big steak or something tomorrow (or liver & bacon, if you can face it!!)

Something you are probably already aware of is that now the cat's away, some of those 7 little mice are going to play - and play you up as well as playing you off against him, especially if he's having unsupervised contact with them.

I've already told you that this man will not scruple to do everything in his power to rule you and his castle again and that includes dripping poison into the dcs' ears in order that it gets into dripped in yours.

When the schools go back next week you should be able to grab some time to think clearly. Until then, do and say nothing that can lead him or anyone else to think that you are doing anything other than considering your options.

Above all, for the sake of your mental health, you must put an end to any further protracted communication from his dsis. What was your support worker's advice?

Did his dd by his previous relationship come and see you today?

Yellowtang please give your GP a call in the morning and try to get an appointment to be checked over.

I could write a long post but I agree with izzie - he is trying to manipulate you still and you need to try and mentally block it out. He can't sell the house out from under you, he can't just decide to not pay the mortgage. Try not to worry about these things (I know it's easier said than done), just jot down questions to ask solicitor next time you're there.

Also don't be shy to call your support worker or come on here when you are feeling wobbly. Is it half term where you are? Do you have anyone local you could meet up with for an hour or so?

How convenient that he's 'forgotten' he bloody well hasn't you know! Also please try to bear in mind that that moment was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Even before that moment he was a manipulative, abusive, bully and you really need to stop feeling sorry for him.

You are right his Dsis will just want him out of her house, don't be swayed by their manipulation.

Garlic she's not allowed to come to my house for safety but we can meet locally at libary etc
I'm tired Hun , I'm not in loads of pain or anything x
I get the feeling my support worker thinks I'm ok , I'm good at putting a braze face on , then I get home and I'm in bits! my own fault,
she said she carnt tell me what to do the thing is I don't know what to do

My support worker just listened, she said I souldnt listen to his Sis , she said this is the time I will find hard, and she's there if I need her

Honey, when you see your support worker you've got to take a box of tissues with you and take that brave face off because you need someone in real life who can see the distress you're suffering in the same way that we, your virtual support system, can see your torment.

I'm doing all the wrong things, I felt great the last two days, he wants me to go relate with him?

Izzy I don't know to ,she probably thinks I'm really strange x

I don't know how to

Garlic mouth at me all you like , I need it

I'm stupid arnt I
Sorry