Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Step away from the phone.

I'm assuming all your dcs are in the house for the night, switch it off or put it on silent and forget you own a phone for the evening.

He smashed you head into a mirror. You have pressed charges with the police. You have had an injuction put in place. Most normal people would know it was over yellowtang, he is trying to grind you down.

Have no contact with any of his family, you need a blanket ban on his influence and sneaky way of communicating with you through his relatives.

I strongly recommend you don't text her back - it'll just encourage more of the same and she'll try to get you to enter into a dialogue. Don't go there.

Yellowtang, don't reply to his sister, DS, or anyone acting as a go-between or fixer between you and your ex. They are seeking absolution for him with no consideration for you and what you have been through.

It's hard, I know (from experience). But you have been through so much, and you have been so caught up in his manipulations that it's going to take you a long time to regain objectivity about anything to do with your ex.

Completely cutting contact is the best and safest thing for you to do right now.

Yep, concentrate on doing something liberated with the DC!

Mind you, 7 of 'em must take some putting to bed ... how about concentrating on that, and then watching a funny film with some taco chips and a bottle of something friendly? Phone OFF, of course, with the battery out :)

As yet, you do NOT have occupation or non-molestation Orders in place and the only protection you have is his conditions of bail which specifically state that he cannot come to the house.

If you prejudice the police investigation/case by inappropriate contact with him or with anyone acting for him (such as his dsis and other relatives) to the extent that the police drop the case, you'll be left exposed and vulnerable.

You've already said that he can verbally confuse you, make you think anything he wants and if you text him to say 'it's over', he will see this as the the opening he wants and needs to enable him to do another number on your head and convince you of another load of crap such as:
he's sorry
he's learned his lesson
he'll never do it again
he'll be different in future
he's changed

Once you swallow those lies and let him back into the house, he'll revert back to his old ways and, before you know it, you'll be convinced that it was all your fault and that you have nothing to complain about because he is a marvellous provider, father, etc etc.

When he's back where he wants to be be and is confident that he's broken your spirit and is in control of of you again, I'm willing to bet that he'll find a way to stop you getting on to the internet or being able to communiate with anyone he doesn't 'approve of.

Do not text her back. If I were you I would contact the police and let them know what is happening. She can be spoken to by the police (probably gently at first) because she is potentially presuring you into not giving proceding with this charge, and she could be in a lot of trouble if she continues/gets more difficult with you.

PLEASE do not text him. If you do, he will use that to say that it is obvious that you still love him, and want to get back with him. Ignoring him is the fairest thing to do, as well as the right one. You give no-one false hope. If hewants to know how you really feel, he will find out at his court hearing date. The police can ask your views on the day of the case, and those views will be told to the court, dispassionately by the prosecutor, in front of your ex. It is sad that it has come to this, and I can understand why you would feel sorry for him, but the harsh reality is, he is feeling very sorry for himself and his predicament, and probably hasnt given a moment to consider how you might be feeling, having been hurt by someone who is supposed to love her :(

As soon as this court case is over, his bail conditions will be removed. That means he can return to your house. If he pleads guilty and is sentenced, a restraining order can be attached to him, keeping him away from you for the foreseeable future. Ask the DV team about this if you would like this put in place.

IF, for whatever reason the bail conditions are removed and there is no estraining order, you can go instantly to see a family lawyer, they will get an injunction through the civil courts (the family courts) to stop him harrassing you (a non-molestation order) and you can also apply for an occupation order, to keep him out of the house. you have the right to remain there due to the fact that you ae the mother to his children.

I woudl also query whether you are indeed on the mortgage, Is there any way you can find out? Contact the mortgage company? I would bet any money that the "document" you signed from the company, which he told you was for an extension, was actually a document waiving your rights to "his" house. Do NOT worry about this, if he lied to you about what it was, you may have a case that it is to be ignored.

Sorry for the overload of information before I have even had chance to say the most important thing. Well done you :) I am soooooo inspired by your story. I think what you have done has been the most amazing thing I have ever heard. 7 (almost 8) children and a l;ifetime of this abuse and you just wake up and get rid of him?! AMAZING!! you really underestimate yourself. And of course some days will seem harder than others, your whole life has been turned upside down, and you need to find yourself again, and be stronger than you have needed to be for years. But hell girl, it'll be worth it

ah didn't realise it was just his bail conditions keeping him away. I still stand by the advice to not contact him at all. Stay strong yellowtang.

The problem is that if his bail conditions are lifted, he can immediately move back into the house and it may be days/weeks before non-molestation and occupations Orders can be applied for and granted during which time he'll be expecting to share a bed with you and will be doing is utmost to get you back under his thumb.

As you seem to have drawn a very short straw in terms of police responsiveness and current unavailabily of your support worker, I'm not convinced that anyone is going to join the dots unless you push them to think ahead.

In the worst case scenario, you will need to be prepared to take the dc and move into a refuge for whatever time it takes to get the necessary Orders should his bail conditons be lifted or varied.

... just to reinforce the already excellent replies here, Yellow, the law is on your side and will stay on your side - as long as you work with it. I second the idea to tell the police about his sister's barrage of texts, pointing out that she's trying to get YOU to break his bail conditions. If nothing else, they can take it as a complaint of harassment and warn her.

Whenever you have a wibbly moment, take a look at this thread and see the difference between the Yellowtang who started it and the one who posted yesterday :) :)

Still there, YT? Whatever you do, we're listening.

I know it's really hard thinking about how he must be feeling right now - but buzzskeleton and WhoWhoWho are right. It's his own fault he's lost everything. And he has his sister with him - he is not exactly coping with this alone. You need to focus on yourself and try to help yourself cope, okay?

I think you would possibly be okay with a very simple, short "It's definitely over. I'm turning my phone off now." text - and then do turn it off. This was my experience and it was okay, although it was via email and came through my mum. In my case the silence from me was apparently making XP think that I was still thinking about my decision, which I wasn't in the slightest! If you do send a text make sure it is very closed and you make it clear you won't be entering into further discussion. And then don't read any replies, at least not while you're alone.

Do you have any supportive family or friends who would be happy to go through the messages for you, read to make sure there isn't anything important there, copy them off onto a memory card or something, and then delete them so you don't have to read them? It would need to be someone strong who isn't swayed by passive-aggressiveness. I'd suggest just opening them with your eyes closed and then pressing delete, but it could be useful to keep copies as others have said.

Hi ok so can de from reading your replys that it's his sister that made me feel guilty today , simple as

I agree now I should not contact either of them
I just need some guidance I think ,I felt so bad earlier ,
When something happens it's sets you of track ,amazing advice again , I'm going to read back through it thankyou X

Bertie no supportive family no x

You probably will feel guilty. Because for so long he has made you feel that his wellbeing is your responsibility, and because he's most likely always made out that at worst, his moods and controlling behaviour are your fault, and at best that you are one as bad as each other. This just isn't true - the way he chooses to act has always been his own choice. And hey! You're not responsible for ensuring he is happy all the time any more :)

The other reason you're probably feeling bad is that aside from the mirror incident (maybe including the mirror incident?) it might feel to you that there is nothing singular he has done which compares to the consequence of losing his home, wife and children. The thing to keep reminding yourself of is that all his tiny little incidents, the everyday stuff, the stuff you probably took for granted too, everything adds up to this picture when you look at it as a whole of emotional abuse. Do you know what they call EA? Death by a thousand cuts. What you've "done" to him (and really you haven't done ANYTHING - all you have done is set justice in motion and taken the absolute necessary steps to keep you and the DC safe) might not feel equal to one of those cuts, but a thousand of them - does it really match up to that, in it's awfulness? You might feel you've broken down everything in his life, but he was doing that to you - you hadn't even been able to enjoy your children properly. - That's the third thing as well, you are most likely still minimising the effects in your own mind of what he has been doing all these years, which is fine, it will take you a long time to process that. Just keep in mind that that process is very much ongoing and that you probably have a hell of a lot more to feel angry about than you realise right now.

His sister only has one side of the story. Be aware he's probably told her a pack of lies, as well. Don't let her make you feel guilty. x

I think you would possibly be okay with a very simple, short "It's definitely over. I'm turning my phone off now

IMO yellowtang wouldn't be at all OK if she sends any message to him Bertie.

This is an extremely controlling and manipulative man who would see ANY contact from yellowtang as her opening the door to more - and once he'd got his foot in, he'd force the door open and she'll be back to square one.

He's proved himself capable of talking yellowtang around on numerous occasions leaving her doubting the rightfulness of what she's said or, i suspect, even whether she said it and she is best advised to refrain from making any contact with him and to report any contact from him to the police or her solictor.

In addition, it's impractical to suggest that she turns her phone off as she needs to be available to the police, her solicitor and support worker, and to her older dc plus, it is to be hoped, any old friends she contacts and new ones she makes.

As for the guilt she's been feeling, it would seem that his dsis is either as manipulative as he is or is easily manipulated by him and, under the circumstances, yellowtang is best advised to be on her guard at all times because there will be many more attempts to lay guilt trips on her and because he will always twist her words to suit his purposes.

This is what you wrote a mere 10 days or so ago:

I act like oh wants me to Not any more you don't

I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan I hope you've let non-essential household chores pile up while you've been out and about doing other things

I dont see my friends because he will moan Have you seen your friends and, if not, why not? No-one's going to moan at you if you seen them now.

he wont let me on fb He can't stop you now, can he?

he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume I hope you've been applying the slap and dousing yourself daily in your favourite scent daily

I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am The person you are today is who you want to be - embrace that thought and let the real you emerge from the shadows

The above are six reasons for you to be cheerful and not allow any feeling or sense of guilt to impair your happiness or mar your freedom.

Have a good day, yellowtang.

Thankyou all x

Crikey, missus, what time were you up to???!!!
It was good to see you'd sussed his sister's game. What a pity - it must have been so hard for you.
How are you today?

she's not answering because she's probably snoozing on the sofa, with the kids leaping all over her

You probably couldn't sleep YT - I hope that was the reason you were up so late? (if 'hope' is the right word!) Being a mummy now: do make sure you look after yourself eh? This is a challenging time for you and, if at all possible, make sure you see to the basics re food, sleep.

I know I'm being tiresome but you need to keep up your strength

I was up because I'm bleeding alot and my backs hurting,
He wants to take all the kids out don't know what to do?
His sister wants to know if it's over ? So he can a solicitor

It's not his sister's relationship, it's his and he blew it. He can get a solicitor or a priest, it's his choice and NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

I don't think you should reply to them at all. Of course he can't take the kids, there's time for all that later. Still trying to railroad you all over the place, I see.

I'm very sorry to hear you're so poorly. Did you phone the doctor?

No I havnt gone doctors, the dc want to go with him dd2 read the text now they are getting ready,

How far along do you think you are with this pregnancy?

dd2 read the text - did you show the text to dd2?

It may be that as there have been no boundaries around you in the marriage, your kids have got used to ignoring your boundaries? Might sound like I'm splitting hairs but it's often the thin end of the wedge. You have got used to someone completely ignoring your personal boundaries and it may be that you'll have to learn to put some up re my kids wouldn't read messages on my phone unless I showed them to them.

Right, apologies for lecture YT. I don't think it is a good idea for the children to see their dad yet. He will very probably use them as pawns to manipulate you. The kids have to know that he has done something wrong and, until something more formal can be put in place, he (and they) will have to wait a while. The whole family has to know that what he has done is wrong, that you're not carrying on as though nothing has happened.

I'm sorry to hear about the problems with the pg. Please see a doc?