Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

yellowtang I've followed your thread from the start and I've been cheering you on. You've made such a brave step and life will be better from now on, it will be different and sometimes it may seem hardre, but you are now experiencing life without his control. It can only get better.

I think emotional controlling men often end up being violent when they realise they are losing that control. This is certainly what happened to me and I seized the moment to call the police and get him removed, like you did. I knew I may never get another chance without suffering serious violence.

Keep posting, we are all so very proud of you.

Thankyou to all posting tonight I mean that it's giving
ME alot of strength to carry this threw to the end ,I suppose I'm inspired by those of you who have been there and driven by the fact I may inspire someone !

I have to tell ds that his toy car just turned into a 3 wheeler! I only cought it with my foot

Heh, who needs transformers when you've got self-altering vehicles?!

Look what you wrote barely a week ago I am so unhappy and here you are tonight cracking jokes

You already are an inspiration - keep it up and there'll be hundreds following in your footsteps.

You could play top gear with them and drop them from ridiculous heights onto concrete do experiments about gravity.

Bertie that sounds fun,I'm going back to poundland tomorrow for some more! They had some toy solders , we could do a great deal with those flimsy limbs!

Izzy your right , I carnt believe I wrote that , well I know I did and I won't ever forget it, also won't forget that twat made me get to that stage! But I also know that I have still a longgggggg way to go but I feel Beter than I did last night by miles

Also know it's 11.30 and I'm stil up !

Yellowtang, just to let you know that I read this thread and cheered when you posted that you had contacted the police. Well done for facing up to really difficult things so bravely. You will be an inspiration not only to your children - you sound like a lovely Mum - but to other women in similar situations who happen to read this thread when they are feeling really low.

Just read through this thread. Well done you YellowTang. An inspiration to all women! See, now THIS is why I love MN!!

I dont think I would of done what I did without mn and thats for real ,for different reasons , you sometimes, like when I first posted get everyone saying the same thing which confined my thoughts? Support at stupid hrs like last night I felt really bad but I found support here, oh I'm sounding I'm advertising for then !

Oh, I do too! :)

Morning Yellow, another day of freedom is dawning! Still thinking of you x

Thankyou love your name
Yes it's a nice feeling although scary , I think I'm going to get used to it, there's so much I can/ want to do?

There is alot more coming to me about him too, it's still unravelling itself,
It's an amazing feeling that the kids can have friends round now, I don't have to ask his permission anymore,

Just got another sob story text from his lovely ds , they work well together I'll give them that ! I was thinking for a while but not for long them I put myself back into my control again !thanks everyone!

I bet there IS so much you can & want to do! DCs as well :)

Things will keep coming back - you used a great word there, unravelling - as your brain begins unscrambling itself and figures out what normal life is like.

I'm not pretending there won't be very tough parts, but the fact you've now got the independence to deal with any problems will make a huge difference. No matter how smart you are, it's impossible to get stuff dealt with when you're constantly expected to prioritise your 'dominator'. There'll be hundreds of times when you think "Ooh! Clever me, I did that!!"

Not a bad idea to get yourself and DC in the habit of praising yourselves and each other, as it goes.

Hi I need some advice please! I want to text him and tell him it's over? he's ds has been texting me all day, and he still thinks there's hope for us, but there's not, but I feel he has a right to know?

Only thing is he's being nice now , he may change if he knows it's over, also if I drop the charges , then they carnt apply to court for the order to say we can live here but he carnt? So not sure what to do?

Can you get in touch with your women's aid support worker? I would say do not text him or get in touch with him right now. Like you said up thread, if you get in touch with him it breaches the injunction. I also agree he may well change tack to nasty when he realises you arent backing down.

Who is it texting you on his behalf??

I had just typed you a long reply YT and it's been deleted.

His sister irks texting me? Why was it deleted ?

Hi yellowtang, don't think you should communicate at all with him at present. And deffo not in the evening when he could send something in reply that messes with your head overnight.

Don't text back - certainly not directly to your ex.

You could block his ds's number on your phone. If he's basically using his ds's phone to harrass you, or getting his ds to pass on messages, it's not exactly in the spirit of his bail agreement. You need to preserve the injunction, don't respond.

Talk to your support worker before you do anything at all. Just ignore for tonight. Stick it in a cupboard. Get yourself a new phone number or new phone, tomorrow maybe, and just let your old one be for him/his ds.

Ok I just know how this will be eating him up inside and he's lost the lot x

I don't think you should contact him either. As Who said, your women's aid support worker will be able to guide you best here. I think if you did contact him, it could mess things up legally - because of the order.

I think you could definitely text his sister and tell (not ask!) her to stop texting you!

Do I tell her it's over? Or just leave it then and let them stew?

You're a lovely lovely person, YT, to feel sorry for him - but please remember why he's lost you. A couple of nights for him of hoping wrongly, of feeling shit vs your 14 years of being controlled, feeling afraid and kept dependent.

Just hold on.

It was my silly computer Yellowtang.

Let it eat him up inside. He will be worried about self preservation. Not wanting charges pressed, not wanting you to spend another day without his malevolent presence around brain washing you, etc. I agree on putting the phone in the cupboard or on silent. Don't reply to any texts from her, even one reply will show this approach is successful in getting a reaction from you - he is continuing his harassment through her! Why has she been texting you all day???? When are you next seeing solicitor and when are you next seeing support worker?

I would ignore sis' texts. If you feel you have to, then just do as hevak says.