Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

I am so glad you have decided to save your 7 dcs from this severely restricted life. The evening, which I shall refer to as the Pizza Evening, was a sign of your life to come. Imagine how it will be for you and your 7dcs, when you are in charge and, instead of 'breaking' the rules YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN RULES! Think your 7dcs will have a better life with a calmer mum who has autonomy. Dictionary definition of the word AUTONOMY: freedom from external control or influence; independence
Yay! You just keep going and Well done Yellowtang.

I meant to say saved yourself and your 7dcs

Thankyou for your kind words, it's really helping, it helped me get through last night big time

It's nice to have things pointed out that maybe would of took me ages years maybe to understand but if I can see these things now it's a great comfort so thanks!

I have seen solicitor today, support worker went with me, she's great,I have had texts from his ds saying he wants me to text him about kids and house, but I'm not , he would break his nail conditions if he text me back then it would be my fault

He had arranged for to pick up ds 4 and was due at 4 0clock to pick him up from around the corner,I was in town , solicitors and looked at the time panicked thought I had to get back before he was home crazy wtf HE DON'T LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!

Going into town was hard , felt like I wanted to run back home, it was scary and felt people were looking at me? Went in the pound shop and bough ds some lovely plastic crap toys that will break in the morning !!! He hates them , but it don't matter anymore and ds loved them x
Sorry for all this boring crap but this is good for me put this down here x

You keep on trucking and keep on enjoying breaking those stupid rules he had . I'm glad your support worker is nice.

I've followed the whole thread and I just wanted to say well done you for getting out of there.

It's amazing how quickly your instincts kicked in and brought the situation to a head once the lightbulb went off.

You must have been subconsciously gearing up to do this for a while.

I was practically leaping out of my seat and cheering when I read you'd called the police on him!

You and your DCs are going to have a lovely life without him.

Pizza evening of freedom, followed by lovely plastic crap toys for DS. Love it! You go girl! Hug that freedom.

ooh, love a good plastic crap toy, what were they?

My own situation is very mild compared to yours. But I am still kind of scared. What I'm meaning to say is that you are an inspiration

Another lurker here - didn't feel like I could offer practical advice and others were doing the job so well!

Yellowtang - I think you are going to end up like the brilliant Mum of one of my old school friends. She left her controlling (emotionally, and I suspect probably also financially abusive) husband. She is forever known amongst my school friends as "XXX's brave Mum, who left XXX's arsehole Dad." Funnily enough, his family thought he was great and she was nuts too

I think you will be surprised how many people will know (or will come to realise) how awful your H's treatment was towards you. Especially as you start to do the things you always wanted to do - it will become apparent to everyone how much happier you are! People often don't want to say anything (especially early on) for fear of upsetting or offending you. However, I can promise there are people in your life (probably mums at the school gate) who will be thinking "Hooray, she's left him and taking control - well done her" about you :)

I will be thinking of you and your DC living the life of riley (pizza on the sofa... well I never!)

I just ate a pizza on the sofa because of this thread

Headmotheart thankyou hun I don't think there can be mild ? Can there ? When you think about it , abuse is abuse , although I know what you mean, my support worker said my abuser can sometimes be the worst sort, no black eyes etc but very very controlling.

I have a panic alarms in they will be here in 3-4 mins if I need it.

When I has my assessment with support worker I kept thinking I don't deserve her help, why's she helping me ? I still carnt get it into my head he has abused me, i still see the loving farther,but I can see is throughout him and his shitty behaviour , so what I'm trying to say is I stil my situation as mild but I ticked all the boxes on form for abuse x if I can do it anyone can ,

Sorry if I putting the wrong things? I'm just saying it how I see it x

Oh the toys , he has a cowboy set , with badge , mask and some cars well they were cars , erm before the wheels fell of I just told him it's a static caravan

Wonder if the pizza delivery mans extra busy tonight !

at static caravan. Perhaps you could also play 'car scrapyards'??

My abuse has been financial and emotional, it is all of the mind. So, yes, not mild in a way, but not physical, and not with 7DCs. (7DCs sounds lovely, actually)

I ment of course there are different levels of abuse of course just that non should be exceptable itms

Scrapyards are good ! Didn't think of that,

my support worker said my abuser can sometimes be the worst sort

Honey, she's right. Physical injuries can take weeks/months to heal, but when a controllng abuser invades your mind and crushes your spirit it can take years to recover.

But, come on, look at you...!!! Dc laughing, pizza on the sofa, trip to town - and you realised you didn't have to rush back!

Whatever happens, you will NEVER be the same again and you will NEVER be able to live under that extreme level of control again.

WAY TO GO - WELL DONE YOU.

The toast is TO YELLOWTANG

Headnotheart I think maybe that emotional relationships can be the hardest to get out of , correct me if im wrong , if you have a black eye people see it but no one sees emotional abuse? The fact he turned physical gave me a reason to call the police and that was my key to his castle x

He was controlling me for years , in EVERY way but I didn't know he was

Yes, yellowtang I realised even as I was writing my post, that yes, it wasn't mild. Different, yes.

Lots of people don't call the police. You seized your opportunity, it took tremendous courage. I'm finally seizing mine :)

Well done "yellow" have been following your thread and just want to say I think you are incredibly brave. Your Children will be so much happier as well as yourself. I grew up in an abusive household, various types of abuse but the thing that lingers is the emotional abuse, the manipulation, undermining, I recognise so much of what you have described, and I know how much strength it takes to escape. Stay strong, keep posting, we are all here for you.

I know exactly what you mean about emotional vs physical abuse. I don't think you can possibly compare one being worse or better than the other (in any case I think both go hand in hand) but I totally agree - it's seen as acceptable and expected that you would leave a violent relationship, but emotional abuse is not very well understood by a lot of people and is so often seen as "overreacting" or being dramatic. I still avoid telling people my ex was emotionally abusive why do I do this? I have no idea, I suspect because I know that it sounds like overkill even though I know it is not. Even if I do tell someone, I say "Well, he was almost emotionally abusive, in a way" - like I'm apologising for it almost! I get annoyed with myself for this because I think emotional abuse needs to be talked about a lot more than it is. Hopefully one day I will feel able to stand up and say that he emotionally abused me and I survived :)

And you are surviving, yellowtang, and you're doing brilliantly! You're a survivor now too :)

Bertie I don't think people understand what emotional abuse is? I never Did , sounds like your being called names maybe ? I don't know how I recognised it , although reading things on the Internet made me think ' that's me' and I started to look at what de did and said x

Bertie you just said it x

Just wanted to say good luck yellowtang and enjoy not walking on eggshells in your own home any more, and doing what you want when you want without the fear of "what he'll say/do". No-one controlling you, belittling you or intimidating you in your own home - freedom! All the best xo