Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

I agree to take every bit of rl support you can get, as this could be a time of tremendous turmoil for you. He has trained you, as Madame says, to put his needs before yours - it will take a while to get out of that groove. You probably feel a lot of guilt right now. It's probably useless for me to say to you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing at all , but I hope saying it will help you to keep steady. You have done absolutely the right thing. If you didn't do something now, the abuse would have escalated - it always does. They promise it won't but it always does. YOu are right to have put a stop to it.

Stay strong sweetheart. Tell the children that daddy hurt you and that is wrong so the police had to take him away. Yes it's upsetting but the whole situation has been desperately upsetting. You will all get through it - you and dc that is. They need to see that what he has done is wrong.

Immerse yourself in as much info as you can in the next hours/days, to help balance out the guilt and fear you are feeling. It is very hard to stand up to an abuser - it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Well done yellow, it takes huge courage.

..should have said 'the police have taken him away for a while'. You don't want to terrify them! Sorry I didn't think more before posting.

yellowtang how are you today, are you all OK?

Hi a bit of an update, sorry if I have already said this, he's on bail to his ds address , he has bail conditions, I have had a panic alarm put in today , and they have flagged my address , the dc is back on wendsday so I will phone her cos I don't know what's happening he's not been charged yet, I have seen a support worker today and she's going solicitors tomorrow with me ,so it's been a busy day,

I'm up and down
I miss him , he's been my friend for 16 years all my adult life it's not easy, but all the loneliness and longing for him it's still better without him , the dc are laughing and we all broke the rules last might we ate pizza on the settee they thought it was great. !

I feel sorry for him I cry when I think about him , but again I know it's better than before and it can only get better I'm sure of that, he's playing poor me, all his family is feeling sorry for him and I'm the bad one in all this , he even got the dc to drop him off a two hour round trip after his intereview and then because she did that she didn't come and see me, and that hurt I was clinging to seeing a rl face that night just to see face to face , but she didn't come, but well done him , he's a good actor the way I see him now x

Well done. Don't let him or outside pressures wear you down, trust yourself, you know the truth.

I bet that pizza was the best in years .

he even got the dc to drop him off a two hour round trip after his intereview and then because she did that she didn't come and see me

The dc in this case is the female detective constable who, it seems, interviewed both yellowtang and her abuser.

The dc chose to go out of her way to take yellowtang's abuser to his bail address but didn't see fit to contact yellowtang as she had promised to do.

Yellowtang spent the whole of yesterday ON HER OWN at the police station. The police have yet to get their act together to put her in touch with a domestic violence adviser.

Sometimes the way the police handle dv makes me FUCKING ANGRY.

all his family is feeling sorry for him and I'm the bad one in all this

All of his family is a sick and twisted as he is, honey, and the only 'good' one in all of this is YOU.

As for you feeling sorry for him; yes, he is a good actor. So fucking broken up last night that he couldn't drive himself to his sister's home but so fucking up himself today that he's back to his old tricks expecting to see the dcs and counting the moments until he's got his foot back under the table again.

And by god, if you let him back in your home you will suffer because he'll make sure of it.

Yellowtang has now got a worker allocated to her via Women's Aid but after spending hours at the police station yesterday giving video evidence, she was left on her own last night when she was feeling at her most vulnerable.

I can feel the smoke coming out of my ears - I reckon my blood pressure is off the scale.

Thanks izzy x

I'm hurting so bad tonight I havnt hurt this much for along time and it fucking hurts x

You just keep telling yourself that tonight it hurts a lot more than it will tomorrow night.

And that if he didn't manage to break your spirit and crush you completely in 14 long years of brainwashing you and making you believe that his way was the only way, he sure ain't going to crush you now from a distance.

In bumping this post I'm hoping that some night owls will add messages of support and solidatiry in response to yellowtang's update so that she can read first thing in the morning.

Yellowtang struggled alone from the time she had her abuser removed from her home late on Saturday night until sometime yesterday afternoon, when she made contact with a support worker via Women's Aid.

In the crucial hours after his removal and, more particularly, when she gave video evidence the following day there was no-one there for her and I'm donning my P.Charles ears to say 'it really is appalling' that the police response to victims of domestic violence appears to be only as good or as sensitive as the officers who catch the case or have it assigned to them.

Yellowtang will need a lot of support and encouragement to remain strong, especially since his family have already begun their verbal assault on her.

'He didn't mean it', 'He's so sorry', 'He's a broken man', 'He's learned his lesson', 'He loves you and the dc', 'His dc adore him', 'His dc need him', 'He lives for you and the dc', 'You've overreacted', 'You've misunderstood him', 'If you take him back nothing like this will ever happen again', 'How could you do this to him', 'You'll never manage all those dc on your own', 'You'll be hurting the dc if you deprive them of him', are just a few of the phrases that yellowtang will be hearing from his supporters.

If she doesn't heed their pleas, yellowtang will be in for a lot more verbals guaranteed to undermine her burgeoning confidence in herself and her ability to give her dc the life that they deserve and need - namely, a life without a controlling and abusive male as a role model.

So many mumsnetters have helped yellowtang begin to appreciate what 'normal' relationships are; I'm asking all who read this post to please continue to make a concerted effort to give yellowtang the support that she so desperately needs for the foreseeable future in order to counteract the mind games that her abuser will continue to play through his relatives, the dc, and others, as he becomes increasingly desperate to regain control of her.

I am still here for you, yellow, and have been keeping up with your thread. I'm incredibly proud of you - it will get better, day by day, and you will BE ABLE TO BE YOURSELF! Which will be pretty damn cool.

I'm furious about the half-cocked 'support' you've received and couldn't really post as I just wanted to run around steaming, and that wouldn't have helped you!! There are some fabulous women on your thread - and they are all real people, sweetheart, like the one's you'll be getting to know in your new life.

Do, please, try womens aid and the student people again. It's going to work out :)

Big hugs x

Keep strong, it will be worth it in the end xx

Wow, I just read this. Well done for getting him out - I think you're incredibly strong and brave! Can't believe the police are being such useless wankers. I've no advice for you but I'll be thinking of you

(((hugs)))

Have just read your thread Yellow and am disgusted at your xp and the police. Stay strong and keep him out. You are worth so much more.

Thanks all , this is so hard , I miss him , and now I'm scared about the house, I carnt stay here cos I carnt pay the mortgage , I think council won't be a priority as I have a house for now, got a feeling we may end up in a homeless hostel again x

Love, what do you really miss? The charmer? The actor, or the cruel,sadistic controlling abuser when his mask slipped?

This man hates you. He wants to destroy you. The stronger you ever get in life, the harder he'll act to squash you.

I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear, but there is only one way out, and that is to end the relationship, to save yourself, your children.

If they stay in this, they'll grow up to take on this life. Please don't allow that to happen?

Don't try to cross bridges before you come to them.

Before you can assess whether you are in a position to pay the mortgage you need to know what benefits you can claim and what child support you can expect to receive.

Do you have your own bank account?

Yes I have my own bank account I get cb paid into it,

Scary I miss him because if I was sad I went to him off I was upset I went to him , if I was tired I went to him , if there was something wrong he would sort it out and I really carnt get used to the idea of having him tell me what to do? I havnt been out the house yet except to see sw x

He made you totally dependent on him so that he could control you and force you to live your life to suit him.

He cut you off from other people so that you could only go to him.

He resented any attention you gave to the dc if it took your attention away from him.

Now you must look to yourself and be the fully grown adult woman that he was determined you'd never become.

You are not helpless; you have an inner strength that will carry you through and you don't need him to tell you what to do because you know full well how to run a household and cater to the needs of your 7 dc.

You've seen the man behind the mask. Don't forget that image when you are tempted to 'miss him'.

But wasn't he the person making you sad and tired in the first place?

Of course you miss him, or you miss the nice parts. But it will get better. A little every day and one day you will wake up and will not even care. But you will be able to live your life exactly as you want. No worrying about his stupid rules - why the gheck shouldn't you be able to eat pizza on the settee if you want?

Ignore his family and friends. They have NO idea. If they think he is so great, they can live with him.

And he is not a great dad if he abuses the mum of his children. If children are happy and smiling when he is not home, what does that tell you?

And of course it is scary to make your own decisions when you had someone making them for you all this time. But you will get used to it and you will enjoy it!

Wow yellowtang, you've done so well.

When I left my abuser I literally shook, like I was having withdrawals. I missed him desperately, right from my core. It is not surprising you are experiencing incredible turmoil but wait it out, it will pass (quicker than you think).

I'm sorry to hear the police have not dotted the 'i's yellow. In the old days they would have sent you back to him and done nothing about the abuse. At least they've covered the essentials iyswim, though it sounds like this particular force, or the personnel on duty at the time, need to fine-tune the support.

Keep going, you will get through this! We are here backing you up. We've done it and know what it's like, can support you through the hurdles you go through to get your life back XX

Its normal to feel that you miss him, but its more likely that you miss the certainty which came with the life that you had - it may have been far from a normal or pleasant certainty, but it was what you had known and what you were accustommed to. Now that the carpet has metaphorically been pulled out from underneath you, its inevitable that you are going to feel unsure and scared, and to want 'normality' to return, even if that normality was seriously damaging yourself and your children.
Try to keep in mind that it has been shown that habits can be established and broken in around 2 weeks - try to develop your own routines in these 2 weeks - healing, routines which nurture your family, such as the pizza night on the sofa, a relaxing bath when you get up, taking a short walk together before tea - whatever helps and establishes a new change, especially if they were things which were 'forbidden'. Really build those bonds with the DC - brush their hair - give the girls a makeover!
I would be tempted to completely swith off your phone, and turn it on to check if important calls have come through, or you need to contact solicitor, etc. delete all messages without reading, take a 2 week break from him and the family to gather your strength and gather information from WA, solicitor, benefits advice, CSA etc.
And take care - I am really proud of you

The others are right, you know, love. It's very much like those prisoners who come out after a long stretch - they're so used to doing everything as and when they're told to; not having any choices over where they live and who with, they feel terrified when they get back in the real world!

Just practise a few things, as people have suggested. I started by going to the car wash - I suddenly remembered how much I used to enjoy them (just my thing) - and sat in the car giggling while the brushes went round

Another big step was the supermarket. I made time for a long browse around the aisles, remembering which foods I'd always loved (had got used to choosing what he liked) and looking at new stuff I hadn't tried before.

Getting your own self back is quite good fun :)