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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/10/2011 02:30

This is a new low for you -- is it rock bottom?

Again, since he seems to intend staying away for the night, you should lock your door and go to bed, get some rest or you will be shattered tomorrow. It is tomorrow anyway. A first step in looking after you and the baby and letting him take care of himself.

'See he might feel that if you really loved him you wouldn't force him to change (even if the change might do more good for all concerned). That was why I mentioned the unconditional love thing. I'm just thinking that could go both ways. You could also think, if he loved you he would do such and such for you.'
-- Tiger, I think you are mixing up cause and effect. He was doing coke before they met, behind her back afterwards, and still is doing it. He has had a mistress since day one therefore, and Sooo's arrival in his life has not changed that. Her love and the promise of a good life together, a baby, etc., has done nothing to make him throw out the 'OW'.

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:32

you are lucky not everyones ds is that supportive x

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 02:42

Onwards - Isn't that the whole point of being married though? For better or worse and all that?

Although, coming on here (and i'm not talking about this thread specifically) the slightest disgression and everyone's saying "leave him". Isn't the whole point of marriage that you stay together through thick and thin? Barring abuse - if you don't really mean it, then why get married at all? Why not just live together?

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:53

I didnt get married we lived together and when push came to shove i left it wasnt easy but i put my children first and to this day i have no regrets about closing that door. i chose sanity and i would every time. it takes a strong person to leave and it did not change my ex, if i had not of left i would still b in that same place. everyone has to do what is right for them.

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 03:02

Sorry onwards - I didn't really mean to single you out. I was really talking in more of a general sense.

I don't mean to make light of this, but in my own situation, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Annoying, yes. And bloody selfish. But I would try and be supportive as the OP has. That's all I was saying..

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 03:03

I can accept inperfection in others as I'm so damned inperfect myself....

northcountrygirl · 15/10/2011 03:05

Imperfect even - can't even spell it!

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 03:06

thats ok. Just thinking of OP alone, worried out her mind and pregnant just dont think its a great place to be. Didnt take it personally x

GColdtimer · 15/10/2011 05:30

But northcountry girl sometimes the support simple enables the person to carry on doing what they are doing because there are noconsequences.

Op hope you managed to sleep. Your dh has had not had that moment where he looks around at the devastation he has caused and realised it's his doing and his responsibility to fix. He is weak I am afraid and you alone are not enoughto stop him. Just repeating what others have said really. I hope you are ok.

PotteringAlong · 15/10/2011 07:28

Been following the thread - how are you op? Dud you manage to sleep / eat? Is he home?

PotteringAlong · 15/10/2011 07:28

Been following the thread - how are you op? Dud you manage to sleep / eat? Is he home?

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 15/10/2011 07:47

Good morning. I hope he came home and I hope you got some sleep.

However you decide to deal with this, people will be here for you at the other side of a screen.

Please take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost.

Wishing you lots of strength. xxx

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:04

Still not home. Didn't sleep much but did rest. He has been in touch this morning saying he is sorry, in a terrible state.

OP posts:
Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:07

He has just texted to say he is goong to do 12 steps and get a sponsor asap and sorry he hasn't done this already. To be honest at the moment I couldn't care less. He has asked me if I will pick him up soon, but not yet said where he is. I will as want to get him home and out of danger so I can start to move this on.

OP posts:
janajos · 15/10/2011 08:09

I had two children with a man who was in infrequent coke user. It was a nightmare; I, like you found that I couldn't sleep when he was out, my fears would churn in my head and in the pit of my stomach. I then had to get up and deal with the needs of two very young children.

For me, the worst part was when he came back early and aggressive/violent. I used to pray that he would get completely wasted and not come home.

I didn't find out about this habit until I was expecting our first child. I lived with the nightmare for 8 years, then left with my two lovely boys and now have a wonderful life with my husband and our three (in total) boys.

I understand that you must give him a chance; don't do what I did though and keep on giving him chances until he beats you senseless.

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 08:15

0p-you are going to rescue him? have you not listened to any of the advice on this thread? Why should he stop doing it when you are making it so easy for him to continue? You are seriously kidding yourself if you think he will change when the baby is born. Poor child.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:16

Thanks to everyone for their posts. I am trying to take them all in, mix them with my own thoughts and decide what to do. Still don't know what I will do.

OP posts:
pink4ever · 15/10/2011 08:18

You will go and get him,make him feel better and he will do it all over againSad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2011 08:19

He made a conscious choice to use again. Saying sorry to you after the event is again another selfish act. By saying sorry he wants you to forgive him for his further trangression.

His primary relationship is neither with you or his unborn child.

I think you now need to seriously start thinking about your's and your unborn baby's future with or without him being a daily prescence in your lives. Your love for him alone cannot stop him using; you can't make him stop and he hasn't the need within him to stop bingeing. He has to want to stop using for himself and him alone. You cannot keep supporting him in the ways you have; it has not and will not work. Enabling him too just gives and gave you a false sense of control.

widdles · 15/10/2011 08:20

i really feel for you hun, i have never been in this situation so can't really comment but i do think you need to start being selfish and thinking about you and your growing baby. Stop pandering to him and make some life decisions.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:20

I thought you had 'bowed out'

OP posts:
FeedDeeTilIWantNoMore · 15/10/2011 08:21

I think pink is right.

You are enableing him to do this.

Ans whilst you continue to do so, he will not change. Having a baby will not change him. In all probability, it'll make things worse - how will he cope when baby screams all night, despite attempts to soothe baby? What do you think his coping mechanism will be?

You need to get away from this man. He's on a path of self destruction and he's taking you - and your unborn child - with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2011 08:22

WHy should you be the one to collect him?. Again that would be enabling him on your part if you were to do this. You cannot and must not enable your H like this. You shield him again from the consequences of his actions if you were to collect him, an action that helps neither of you.

He made a conscious choice to use here. He has to see that there are consequences for his actions and if that means walking 10 miles to get home then so be it.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:22

I know I am not handling this well, I am know I am shit and weak.

OP posts:
beakinthebeeswax · 15/10/2011 08:23

Just come across this thread. I hope things come right in the wash for you today. You have been put through hell.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))0