Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

[Jo61]

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

I haven't been on this thread for a while, but weren't you going to speak to your solicitor about whether this was the right way round?

You sound very passive Jo - he seems to be controlling everything; what he wants you, your son and everyone else to believe about his exit, divorcing you for unreasonable behaviour and controlling all the finances. You sound so defeated and yet you've got lots of trump cards that you're sitting on.

I think if you were proactive about some of these things, you'd start to feel a lot better.

"Not too sure what you mean re: "Perhaps Saffy can name SHL! So she is 70 miles away, Royal Mail will sort that."

Saffy (?I think) said she had a Shit Hot Lawyer, who went for H's balls and got more than she thought. So, I thought, contact her!

Jo, you are doing fine. Well done for 1. cutting through your denial re the PD, and 2. finding out about PA behaviour. You ARE getting to grips with things, but I know it is hard to change the way you relate overnight.

You are probably used to deferring to him/putting his needs first; and it will be a shock to both of you when that changes.

I am warning you tho' that this happened to a friend of mine (the functioning for him/deferring). When they married, she was the main earner and had the assets. It never occurred to her that he was salting his smaller salary away (remember you said you haven't seen his bank statement?) and buying shares (this was during the boom years under the Conservatives). When she asked about the shares, she was told that the stock market had tanked and (see above) believed him.

She also went along with his suggestions that they didn't need a lawyer (community of property).
She now lives in a tiny house, he has their house which he bought her half of, the cars, the pension and his own money.

Take great care, remember Ronald Reagan: trust but VERIFY. Please know that you are asserting yourself for YOUR future.

I have seen the warnings but as the party who has most to loose financialy I have pressed ahead with trying to sort the finances for my divorce without involving the expense of a solicictor. Now I am stuck. Help we have reached a financial agreement that we are both happy with without a full financial disclosure. But now the solicitor has written to me saying that I need to submitt practically all the details I would need for financial disclosure for a district judge to consider. WHY?

I have seen the warnings but as the party who has most to loose financialy I have pressed ahead with trying to sort the finances for my divorce without involving the expense of a solicictor. Now I am stuck. Help we have reached a financial agreement that we are both happy with without a full financial disclosure. But now the solicitor has written to me saying that I need to submitt practically all the details I would need for financial disclosure for a district judge to consider. WHY?

Well it's been twelve months since he walked out. There's been one of everything. One birthday, one Christmas, one anniversary..etc... In theory it should all get easier from now on. I wish this was the case.

Not sure if it is the fact that it the anniversary.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is was life is like now. Some of it is better. Making my own decisions. None of the emotional abuse that I now realise that I suffered through living with a passive aggressive husband. But it is also tough at times and I do miss someone being there.

Hi

Whether you divorce through solicitors or just go to court, you need to present a full financial disclosure. The judge (who ultimately grants the divorce) needs to know exactly what is being divided up.

I am she with the SHL! And she has cost me a lot of money, but I am going to be so much better off, because of her, than if I had gone it alone.

I am almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (booted him out last April) after filing for divorce early May. He has been digging his heels in, and has done every to avoid financial disclosure. When he realised that he would have to do this, if not via his solicitor, then through the courts, then he played ball.

'Tis the law.

If it's not too late, please get legal advice - been mega busy so haven't read all the thread.

Hi

xh and I drew up a Deed of Separation and agreed evrything without Form E / full disclosure. We have had to fill in a form disclosing our finances for the actual divorce though, I asked why too . Because ! Dont worry though the form is no more complex than the DC parents evening

parents evening form

Thanks both! Have all the figures together now. I have had advice from the solicitor which was to try and sort it between us, which we have done. I was concerned that a judge might not agree with what my STBXH and I have agreed on. I am worried that he might try and 'hide' the money that I am pretty sure he has been accumulating for some time.

Likewise. He doesn't know how much my pension is worth.

Ah well no running away from this. Like I wrote last night, this is the new reality.

God save me from myself.

It's the third night in a row that I've been on my own at home. DS is with my STBXH I wish I could get my act together. My diet of fish and chips, chocolate and biscuits tonight cannot be repeated. I am seeking solace in these comfort foods.

I want to get a grip. Change. Be phenomenally attractive. Prove to that bastard that he made a big mistake when he left. Instead of which I'm sat crying on the settee feeling sorry for myself.

I think with everything you have been through it is good to have a wallow/let your feelings out and indulge in whatever frigging food you fancy tonight. You are being so strong and have done so well. Be kind to yourself. You are securing your independence and a safe nurturing future for yourself and your son away from STBXH's twattery. Be proud of yourself - you are fab and he HAS made a huge mistake but it is not your problem anymore.

Hope things look better tomorrow

Still a bit tearful but keeping busy both at work and at home. Pissed off as hell with STBXH for this whole situation. Fancy just walking away!! I am feeling sorry for myself. It's tough work being a single parent and I know so many of you understand.

I wonder if I am ready for a new relationship, which means Internet dating I think. I still feel a little vulnerable and I wonder if Ill cope with rejection. But I may just be procrastinating and should maybe just try.....?

Still a bit tearful but keeping busy both at work and at home. Pissed off as hell with STBXH for this whole situation. Fancy just walking away!! I am feeling sorry for myself. It's tough work being a single parent and I know so many of you understand.

I wonder if I am ready for a new relationship, which means Internet dating I think. I still feel a little vulnerable and I wonder if Ill cope with rejection. But I may just be procrastinating and should maybe just try.....?

Sat in bed having just taken a sleeping pill. I know how a few of you have posted about how you experience the highs and lows. My lows obviously coincide with the days my DS spends with my STBXH and I am on my own in the house. It's not that I am lonely I think it's just that without him here some of my true emotions, which I try to keep hidden from him, show.

I have been thinking about the STBXH in his new relationship tucked up in bed asleep with his new woman. And, although there's no way I want him back in my life, I wish I had some one else to share my life with. I am jealous to be frank. I want to stick two fingers up at that bastard. Show him that my life is so much better without him - not that he would care.

There's no news about the divorce either. I sent the solicitor a chasing email a few days ago but have heard nothing back. I must phone her. I dread walking in through the door as I don't know what post will have arrived.

Still contemplating Internet dating. Given how I feel tonight I am not sure that I am strong enough. I feel really foolish a male colleague told me about a friend of his who has been divorced for around a year who he thought shared a lot of the same interests as me. He lives hours away - so it wouldn't be ideal. However, after my colleague saw him this weekend it's obvious that this guy is not interested in seeing me. God my ego is so fragile.

It's been months since anyone hugged me and years since any sex.

Hopefuly the pill will work soon and I'll be able to sleep.

so sorry, Jo :(

Jo, I know you may not feel like it, but could you force yourself to start a short course at night school, or a hobby orientated one? Or a dancing class? Or a voluntary evening activity?

I think changing the course of even one evening will cheer you up loads aftera few weeks and take you out of yourself. It is also a great way to meet new people, which is so important after a long marriage, where all your friends are couples.

Thanks Fiventhree. I have already started an evening class and it's a great group of people who I now spend my Monday nights with To be frank, it's not enough. I am seriously pissed off.

Join a gym. The endorphins when you exercise are really good at lifting your mood. So a good mood AND you will look HOT! as well.

Oh also, if you take up kickboxing or something of the sort at the gym, it will help work off a lot of that anger. And you will look HOT to boot.

another to say exercise, really, its either that or booze! small positive steps OP, and I would avoid internet dating for a while, it can be brutal esp if you are feeling raw

Thanks I have been execercising regularly and have held off the booze! So I am seeing the benefits and have lost a couple of stone I feel like I am doing a lot of the right things but still feel low.

Thanks for the advice re the Internet. My sense is is that my ego is still quite fragile but I am also struggling with the fact that life feels like its running away.

Please don't date. You need to spend time on your own getting yourself centred. Dating for the wrong reasons is not fair on you or on the other person (who most likely is also dating looking for someone to fill their void).

Well done on the booze and the weight loss. Let us know how you are doing. Have you PMed Saffy?

How is your son?

Hi abitwobblynow. Lovely to hear from you. All that was on my mind re dating is that it's been 12 months since he left. I just wondered if I am ready. How do you ever know?

We are doing ok overall. DS is now taller than me. He told me about his new girlfriend the other day. His social life is more exciting than mine!! Still have not shared the details about his dads relationship from him. He doesn't seem to do a lot when he does see his dad - watches telly and skypes friends. The STBXH is obviously not talking to him about anything regarding what is happening, the divorce, his relationship etc.

Been thinking tonight that if the divorce takes ages then I don't mind because for every month it takes he is still paying rent for the house he keeps as a front for when our DS stays with him. What a dick idiot.

The solicitor says she should she should have an update for me next week. I just want that financial agreement settled so that I can tell the STBXH what I know and what a Liar. Liar. Liar. He is.

My solicitor is playing a canny game. Not revealing my financial details until my STBXH reveals his. She is good but bloody expensive. Everything looks like its progressing smoothly divorce wise. It's my wedding anniversary this Sunday but believe it ir not I won't be celebrating it.