Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

[Jo61]

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

Hi Jo
Ive posted before regarding how our situations are so similar. I think you H and mine are the same person !!! Mines is exactly the same He WAS a lovely easy going caring guy. NOW he's a self centred lier.
He to blames me for our marriage break up (nothing to do with the TART he has , bought a house with and is having a baby with in Jan ) He told me nothing I found everything out by chance bit by bit. Apparently he only met her before last Christmas and apparently she lived 150 miles away - all a bit fast!! I suspect she has been on the scene alot longer (probably for the last year of our marriage, when he detached and made me feel like shit).
These so called men re write history to justify their actions. Even although I know this I to still go over and over things in my head wondering if I was to blame.
I think I feel better reading about others similar situations on MN (sorry I know that sounds bad) but what I mean is I feel better knowing that it's not just me and it's not my fault.

I hope you feel better, stay strong. I know it's hard. BUT DON'T BLAME YOUR SELF xx

DS is at DHs for a couple of nights. Always a a quiet time and time for reflection.

My latest worry is that me being low and miserable and obsessed with what's currently happening, will drive my son away from me and push him towards my DH, who is not suffering in anything like the same way following our separation. It's a lot to deal with at his age, he doesn't need his mother moping around. He needs me to be strong and able to support him.

I desperately want to feel better about the situation and about myself. I have a counselling session booked this week but which I hope will help. What else can I do?

Make sure you take time out for yourself and try little treats such as meeting a friend for a coffee, a bubble bath, buying nail polish, a beauty treatment or a haircut etc.

Oh girls,sorry to hear of your woes.

Mine is 24 years & I rumbled them early on unexpectedly (the bitch was a friend of ours his.

I asked him to leave & think it over & he has never come back. Still not with OW but I think that's imminent (her & her 3 troll children). Can't wait!!!

I agree Child, can't wait to be told he was wrong (& I was right!) but looking at other posts that seems highly unlikely.

Jo, just go with it for now. Continue the counselling if needs be, but for yourself, to help you to come to terms with things. Be strong & keep posting, you will get very good advice from others in same boat! It takes time. x

Sorry just read rest of thread.

My DS is 11. Believe me you won't push him away. You cope because you have to, but children are very perceptive. Your DS is of an age to recognise what you are going through & to realise what a twat your husband is.

Don't criticise your husband to DS, let DS decide for himself. Mine certainly has, has a very poor opinion of father but that is for STBXH to overcome, not my problem. I dont stop them meeting up, but funnily enough DS father doesn't want to discuss OW & his 'other life' with his DS he just wants to pretend life is 'normal'.
What a low-life.

Sorry to hijack, but just wanted you to know that I'm sure your son will be with you all the way, as will we.

Do you think he's worried that if you find out about the other woman (for there is one, most definitely) he will fare worse in the divorce settlement?

Thanks again all! Clam I am not sure how far he has thought through the potential divorce settlement. I understand from the solicitors that it won't make a jot of difference.

I am wondering if he is worried about the potential reaction from our DS. DS has already confronted his dad about "cheating on Mum" which DH obviously denies. DS has said that he would be unhappy with his dad if he had been seeing someone else and would find it difficult to forgive him.

BTW am concerned about the news from the solicitor. As the major wage earner in our relationship I stand to loose half the equity in the house, as I expected, but also, as my DH has never planned for the future, half my pension and half my savings. I've lost my partner and now it feels like my financial future is screwed too!

Sorry to hear that Jo. In some ways best not to overthink it, what will be will be and you have to cross that bridge when you come to mediation (I haven't got there yet so no advice to give).

I'm now of opinion that its only money - after hurting me so badly with OW I don't think I can be hurt any further by wrangling about money .... just makes me see how petty he (& she,pushing very hard from behind) can be & believe me I have pension, savings of my own that I will feel very badly about having to hand over.

If your DH 'hides' his other life from your DS, it will surely come out and then DS really will have low opinion IMO, but that's for your DH to consider. What example has he already set. A father should be someone you can look up to and respect and already that has disappeared right out the window, so the next best thing he can do is be honest - with DS & you. However reading various threads, & in my own case, that is something they never can do.

I am ashamed to admit this but......the situation got the better of me. I hired a private detective who put a tracker on DHs car. He stayed the suspected OWs house all night last night. So, it looks like I was right. I am waiting to see if the pattern is repeated, but expect that will be.

I am thinking about turning up at her house one morning when he's there and just knocking on the door and saying - "I know" and leaving it at that.

Like I say, I don't think that it makes any difference financially. I am stuffed. I am just wondering if I can negotiate a quick divorce with an immediate (smaller) settlement rather than him having to wait for DS to leave FT education/ reach 18 before he can force me to sell the house.

Anyone got any experience of this?

Jo I haven't read your whole thread, but wanted to say how sorry I am.

You're right that his behaviour won't make any difference in the eyes of the law. But possibly might moderate his demands out of shame...he may feel he has acted badly and therefore be slightly more accommodating. But he may not...my ex behaved appallingly, and I think some last vestiges of self respect did come to the fore when we got around to discussing money, which made it less traumatic than it would have been.

You know, he may prefer a clean break and therefore be encouraged to settle for less. I negotiated a better settlement with my ex than I suspect I would have got if we had gone to court because I offered him cash, rather than a share in the house. The value of what he got was less, but he had the money to go and start again, rather than having to wait for anything up to 15 years for me to sell the house to release his share.

Jo - sorry, it's a shit thing to go through :(

I would write a note. Address it to him, post it to her address.

Find a solicitor who is really willing to go to bat for you, not one that's apathetic. Get/keep what you can.

There are loads of women on here who have been through what you are going through - you aren't alone.

Have a look at some of the threads on the relationships board... you'll meet some wonderful, strong women.

SO sorry Jo

Its bloody awful & while it looks like all us posters are so cynical, the f*ing bastards are so true to form (this was foreseen a month ago).

You could play it very canny and play it like you still don't know and start putting things in place to protect yourself. Once you lay your cards on the table the shit will hit the fan!

My heart goes out to you.

Your coments are so supportive. You're really keeping me going.

He's at the OWs again tonight. I have got to keep this to myself until I really know how to play it. I daren't let it out. It's hard with my DSsat next to me and me knowing that his Dad is in a house not too far away with another family.

Just read your whole thread and want to say Bravo for getting the truth. You can now safely reject all the bullshit he was feeding you about your faults and know that he was making these up to put you off the scent.

Have you seen your solicitor yet? If you didn't have children, I would have suggested saying nothing until he saw the OW's name and address on the 'divorce for adultery' petition but instead, I would do the following:

Arrange to meet him on his own and explain that you now have evidence that he was having an affair when he left you and that you know who she is and that he is living with her at an address you also know. You need to do this unblinkingly, because I think he will try to claim he met this person after you separated. Explain that in the circumstances, you are prepared to divorce for unreasonable behaviour, but only if he accepts a reduced share of the assets. I'd suggest having the paperwork ready to be signed before he's got much time to think about it.

Your goal is to walk away with your assets more or less intact and for him to finally realise that you've got the upper hand now, after being lied to for so long. Once you've unveiled this, give him one week to tell your DS the truth, before you will. Poor lad, I bet he's been in agonies about some of the clues he's seen .

Back to self doubt this morning. Is this the cycle you go through? Is this what the low self esteem is about? It keeps me awake and wipes me out. Maybe he's just friends with this OW. Maybe I am difficult to live with. Is this why he was so unhappy that he had to leave? Was I really a drain on him?

Just writing some of these things down is therapy in its own right.

I know that the messages on this thread say - it really doesn't matter, he's left, he's not coming back, take care of myself and my DS and, in the nicest way, get a grip of my own life.

Well todays another day - and another day without hiim

I think Charbon has given great advice. Now it's time for you to take control, you need to look after you and your DS now.

Remember none of this was about you, it was about his selfishness, self entitlement, arrogance, weak character etc. You could have been the perfect wife, taken care of his every need etc but he still would have seeked affirmation from other sources because of who he is.

Get some counselling for yourself now, you will be going through a grieving process, indeed this new information may help you move on instead of staying in a sort of limbo and expect to get very angry very soon too and use that anger to take control.

Good luck.

Jo, it was none of those things. Having read your thread all in one go, I'd suggest you re-read your OP. You said he had been preparing to leave over a number of months and that therefore things weren't great between you, but that there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely before he upped and left.

You can now safely assume that he was having an affair for months before he actually left and this was why your relationship wasn't great. Nothing you'd done or said, your relationship only became untenable because of his affair.

This is why your new knowledge needs to help you now. He is exceptionally cruel for wanting you to believe otherwise, but it would be healthier for you to realise that your relationship would have in all probability remained intact, but for this affair and that this therefore had nothing to do with you, or even the true state of your relationship.

It will take you a while for your psyche to catch up with this, because you've now had 9 months of believing that you must have been at fault and that your marriage had become unsustainable without you even noticing it. All of that was a big fat lie though.

That's why what you've now found out should help you and so you need to shake off that self-doubt and feel the anger coming through, as Counting has said.

It wasn't you, it wasn't your relationship. It was him and this other relationship - and it's as simple (and painful) as that.

OMG!!! After my last post, a friend phoned to arrange to meet up. I mentioned the doubts (see above) to her. She took a deep breath and said - I've something to tell you......... She saw a friend of my STBXHs on Thursday. Told him about my DH and I and he said he wan't suprised as the last time he saw my STBXH at his 50th birthday party (2 and a half years ago), my STBXH told him he'd been 'sleeping around'. I'm not sure those are the words that STBXH will have used but the inference is there.

OMG!! Still shaky....the bastard

Bastard!

Well, at least it clears a few things up for you doesn't it.

• There's no going back.

• The OW is the OW (and not a friend)

• This is not about 'you' - it's about him.

I think you would be very wise to make an appointment for a health check.

... and get a bloody good solicitor!!

Knocked out by events today, but strangely empowered.

I will contact the solicitor. I don't know whether to take charge and start divorce proceedings straight away or hang on....as he will inevitably benefit financially. The only downside of waiting might be that he starts proceedings to divorce me.

Why is it a downside if he divorces you? Doesn't the petitioner pay?

Ger a solicitor that is on your side, demonstratably so - not one who is apathetic. They'll let you know what do for the best.

Make the most of feeling empowered - do something with that, like clear his clothes out of your bedroom.

sorry to hear the latest. This should now focus your mind.

Don't really think it makes a difference who does the petitioning, although you might have to pay the actual divorce costs (few hundred?), but I am now at the stage where it is only money. What will be will be, the law says assets 50/50 a good solr will get your more because you are main carer, you really just have to set the wheels in motion and fight for it all when you get there.

Its more important to face up to things and realise that there is more to life and that life does go on and you can face it. I know its v difficult at the stage your at but one day at a time! You sound strong, there are some very strong women giving you advice and I think now would be good for YOU to be the one doing the divorcing, to empower you.

x

It's going round and round in my head. There's so much evidence against him - but I am still in denial. Thinking - maybe he's just friends with her....maybe his friend who said he was sleeping around was wrong. The trouble is that I can't believe that I have been such a fool for so long. So trusting.

ChippingIn I have moved all his clothes out. He took almost everything else he considered as 'his' when he moved out in February.

Despite all this I feel that in some respects I am facing up to the reality of the divorce now more than ever.

JUst posting as I was in your position earlier this year. 6 months of unpleasantness then I found out about the affair. He's gone now but is still being a fucking twunt about everything. At least your DS knows - mine is only 6 and I feel is too young so I have to listen to "I want Daddy I hate you " every day.

I do still cry- more out of frustration as to how much I have had to do to sort things out that had been left undone for months and that is ongoing. But I've had some rooms redecorated and the garden done.

My solicitor has said it doesn't matter who sues who for divorce.

I think after 22 years you would have built up significant trust in your relationship Jo, so you are certainly not a fool for having an assumption of fidelity. The opposite of this would be someone who was paranoid, jealous and forever micro-managing her relationship and trying to control her partner's freedom of movement.

Your friend has given you some great new insight into what has been happening and awful as it must have been to hear, it does provide a pathway for your next steps. Do get a health check, as suggested. Try to use that anger now and move out of the denial phase. It looks like he has been unfaithful for some time, with several different partners. This further reinforces that this really isn't about you, it's about him.