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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

153 replies

Jo61 · 10/10/2011 23:08

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

OP posts:
vole3 · 11/10/2011 07:05

Sending you Brew and (((((((hugs)))))

Thzumbiewitch · 11/10/2011 07:23

Isis, that is shit. Can't believe he dragged it on that long before he told you! Amazing.

However, I'm not sure that it's all about control and power when they don't leave before they're sure they've something to go to - for some it might be, but I think it's often a lot more basic than that: they've had someone "looking after" them for 20-odd years, they mostly do NOT want to go to looking after themselves! So they won't move out to be on their own entirely, they want the comforts of having a wife without the actual old wife.

Not letting go of said old wife is bet-hedging but also about their ego - they can't believe that you could get over them! How could you? You have to still love them, surely? Even if you say you don't - you're just being vindictive, they know that you still love them and they could come back any time they want to - because that way their ego stays intact and their guilt is miraculously reduced somewhat ("I can't have hurt her that badly, she still loves me and understands I just needed to leave and be with someone else").
In the end, they are just UTTERLY selfish wankers who can't step outside of the situation to see what they have Done. Because if they did, it would destroy their self-image and they'd be broken. Twats.

Thzumbiewitch · 11/10/2011 07:34

vole, just had a wee read of your thread too - (((hugs))) back to you too.

vole3 · 11/10/2011 07:49

Thanks Thzumbiewitch.

Thats what i miss the most, having someone to hold me, the comfort and security of being wrapped up in the arms of someone who cares. DS is very good, but a 4 year olds arms will only go so far.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 08:21

A 4yo's arms are the best arms, because they come with no expectations, no agenda, no calculation Smile

Have you ladies on this thread seen ValentimeBombshell's long thread in Relationships ? It is awesome in it's advice and support. Have a read.

Thzumbiewitch · 11/10/2011 08:26

Agree with you there, AF! The best "cuds" I get are from my nearly 4yo. :)

Nippysnippy · 11/10/2011 09:35

A change in mindset is overdue! Stop pandering to this man with his over inflated sense of entitlement.
How about this for an idea.......stop wondering what he is up to and paying for him to exploit you. Finish it decisively.
Why bother waiting around for this waste of human protein? There is NOTHING to recommend him frankly.
Stop the money. Tell him it's over. You've had time to think and have found that you are happier without him. Ask him to email and not phone and only if it is in relation to the child.
Move on and teach him a valuable lesson in life. A lesson that your son will also benefit from.

Nippysnippy · 11/10/2011 09:37

P.S. Don't bother asking about the OW. This has to be dealt with from the perspective that the treatment he has dealt out to you is not good enough and YOU will no longer tolerate him in your life.

Original poster
Jo61 · 11/10/2011 16:27

Thanks all for your support. I just need the strength to get through this.

OP posts:
Nippysnippy · 11/10/2011 17:29

You will feel stronger when you take charge of the situation. The longer it drifts the more your confidence will be eroded. He won't like it and will probably be most resistant as it will be a shock. You will no longer be a reliable (second) option for him. I wish you well.

steelchic · 11/10/2011 17:36

Thanks Izzy,Its nice to know that people care xx

Isis, how true there does seem to be a trend, they can't move on until they have sorted out a new life (and while they are doing that, they make our lives miserable , we're left wondering what we're doing wrong and doing our best to fix things) xx

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/10/2011 18:28

I'd say yes to the other woman.

And it fizzles out when they stop being on their best behaviour lets face it it's always fab to begin with isnt it?

Most of the affairs DH witnesses end with the husband going back, and being allowed back!!

ChildofIsis · 12/10/2011 05:41

I'm waiting for the day when I can slam the door on xh whilst he's trying to come back.
I don't know if he'll ever try, I just have a gut feeling that he will admit to it being a big mistake somewhere down the line.

Mind you it really is too late for him now so he needn't waste his time.

I don't fancy him anymore, I can't see why I ever did.
I'm not in love with him anymore, see above.
I don't really recognise him as the man I've spent 28 years with.

I'm very sad that this is the case.
It seems as though I have fallen out of love with him as swiftly as I fell in love with him when we first met.

Original poster
Jo61 · 22/10/2011 09:27

Thanks all for the support and information. So many others in similar situations.

Things have progressed. My DH met me in a car park before a couselling session this week to tell me that it's all over. He can't see any future in our relationship. He says that he has tried to see a way through but can't see how he can be happy with me.

It feels pretty devastating - but I don't want to live with some one who doesn't want to be with me. That is was it was like for the last few months that we were together and it is truely soul destroying.

He is still adamamt that there is some one else - despite the clothes in his house, the lies about where he has been and the fact that he told our DS that he took this same woman out to the cinema.

In addtion to the emotional crisis I have major concerns about my futire finances. I have always been the major wage earner. My DH took time out when our DS was young and studied for a degree while I worked. Now we are going to have to spilt the assets - the house, my pension and savings.

I am feeling totally overwhelmed by things.....don't really knw where to start

OP posts:
mrstiredandconfused · 22/10/2011 10:11

Jo i'm so sorry you're going through this, and sorry to say that it sounds like he is lying through his teeth re ow. Have you been to see a solicitor yet? If not then you should probably do this asap, also contact perhaps cab to try to find out what benefits you're entitled to.
Above all, don't panic and be kind to yourself- you're going through a horrific time, don't feel pressured into feeling that you have to cope.
Do you have any support in rl?

AnyPhantomFucker · 22/10/2011 10:56

I am very sorry jo

I think you know the truth, even though he is lying through his arse

No matter, now, your relationship is over

See a solicitor ASAP

LifeMovesOn · 22/10/2011 11:20

So sorry to hear your suspicions have been confirmed - you know there's someone else, he's just a coward who can't admit it to you Sad

I'm two years down the line from you - life is good, I have embraced it and enjoy it. Finances will get sorted - mine were the one thing which terrified me, more than being a single parent. It's hard, but what's mine is now almost mine!

Life IS NOT FAIRAngry but you get to live a different one now - just make the most of it, sweetheart.

Take care of yourself Bear xx

Original poster
Jo61 · 22/10/2011 12:35

Thanks all! I do have a number of friends that have been supportive and my Mum and step-dad have been fantastic - being there for me and DS when things have been a bit unsteady. I have arranged to see a solocitor on Tuesday - just to get some advice. One step at a time eh?

OP posts:
catsrus · 22/10/2011 12:46

I somehow lost this thread [hconfused] apologies Jo I'm doing well to be honest - but we had a lot of assets, so I was very lucky. Not sure I can afford to stay in family home long term (it's my pension really, he got to keep all his) but I am very lucky really. DCs finding it hard to adjust to tighter spending regime and mean mum turning heating off but I'm picking up bits of work here and there, eating into the savings though - was made redundant 3 months before he told me he wanted a divorce - oh and at that time how nice it would be that I would be home more and we'd see more of each other [hhmm].

the reality is he was right - the marriage was over, he just got to that point first - but once he got there I took the bull by the horns and when we had our first meeting with solicitors I had got all the documents (marriage certificate etc) that we needed to progress it. If you work collaboratively it can happen v quickly and be amicable, but you might not get as good a deal as if you had a good solicitor working for you. I know I'm financially worse off than I might have been, but I'm doing OK and still have a brilliant relationship with all the extended family of in-laws, which was really important for me and the DCs. I have a good relationship with the ex but have very little contact at all with him due to his new bunny boiler DW [hbiscuit]

The main thing as this point is to take control of your life and what happens next, do your research, make sure you know how the system works, what is likely to happen, best and worst case scenarios - you drive the divorce and decide what you want to get out of it. Think carefully about who is going to divorce who! Think about the wider relationships, is there family on his side important to you? don't push people into choosing, let them keep relationships with both of you they'll know who's the plonker and keep on MN!

good luck with the next phase of your life!

Original poster
Jo61 · 22/10/2011 16:09

Thanks for the encouragement catrus. I think I'd be happier if I was the one to instigate the divorce

OP posts:
catsrus · 22/10/2011 16:40

and you really should do what is best for you at this point :-) I was the opposite at the time - "not my choice, if you want it then do you most of the work to make it happen" kind of thing - but I was a bit "deer in headlights" for the first few months TBH. If it had been strung out a few months longer I would have divorced him (plenty of grounds!) In the end it really doesn't matter so long as you get the outcome that suits you.

good luck!

GhoulLove · 22/10/2011 18:14

Please see saffysmums thread. This happened to her in almost idendical circumstances last April. Awful as it sounds you would do well to collate all financial details and book a solicited appointment.
Good luck!

Original poster
Jo61 · 27/10/2011 09:45

Half term and I have some time on my hands as I have taken a few days off to be with my DS.

The meeting with the solicitor has been put back a week - for good reason. It means that I can meet with someone who I have spoken to before. She was really helpful - and took a really holistic approach to the whole issue.

In the meantime, in quiet moments, my mind keeps running over the reasons my DH says drove him to leave. He says that I am over emotional, get too intense about things, get too wrapped up in my work and I am selfish and self centred - this is based on the fact that he doesn't feel that I supported him sufficiently over the time that his dad was very ill and dying. There's some truth in all but the last thing. The way I see it DH had already decided that he was unhappy when his dad was ill and had started to pull away and detatch himself. My reaction to this is what he sees as me being selfish.

What is the truth? I am still really struggling. Are these the reasons he left? Is DH the kind, caring, easy going man I thought he was. Or is he really duplicitous and a liar - possibly covering up his relationship with someone else? He was certainly deceitful just before he left - he had found a house to rent, gathered all his personal things together and had even taken copies of photos from our computer so that he had some pictures for his walls.

Just struggling to come to terms with things

OP posts:
notanotherstatistic · 27/10/2011 11:32

Jo, I've just read through your thread, and I was prompted to respond by your last post. Your DH is following the well-trodden path of coming up with reasons to justify his relationship with an OW (I'm certain there is one). My DW did the same, something she actually admitted much later on. It is better to blame someone else than to accept that one has behaved in such a selfish and callous way.

Please don't blame yourself. If your DH had had issues with anything you did or did not do then the adult and respectful course would be to talk to you and explain how he felt. Actually, I suspect that what happened was that he met someone else and gave himself permission to embark on an affair by coming up with the reasons that he gave to you.

Right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your DS. Good luck and be strong!

MadAboutHotChoc · 27/10/2011 12:50

You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship and definitely not for your H's very selfish choice and it sounds like he is rewriting history, something that cheaters do in order to justify having an affair.

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