Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

[Jo61]

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

Christmas has taken over - thankfully, and all the issues surrounding the pending divorce have had to be put on hold. DS and I will spend Christmas with the rest of the extended family, just like most other years. DS is planning to see his Dad on Christmas day for a couple of hours. But STBXH is still not telling the truth. He's told our DS that he's working at a refuge on Christmas day - unlikely. I am sure he's spending the holidays with the OW and her family as he virtually lives there when our DS is not with with him.

Well Abitwobblynow to answer your question - not a chance in hell! I did find myself feeling a bit sorry for him when I last saw him, he did look very disheveled, but I musn't let this prevail. I have to remember that he has lied, lied, lied. How could I ever trust him again?

I am taking DS to New York for a few days over New Year. A complete - what the hell holiday.

A very happy Christmas to all MNers who have been such a fantastic support this year. Thank you so much!!

I have just caught up with your story Jo- so sorry to hear all this. I hope you have a good Christmas and trip to NY with DS despite the terrible behaviour of STBXH.

The old 'I'm suffering and dishevelled look" is one of the oldest rocks in the book even if there is a grain of truth. It's an attempt to solicit sympathy and therefore make him feel better. Well done for not being sucked in by that.

Rocks I meant tricks! Stupid iphone

Hi Jo61 I have just read your post. In my experience (h has affair, separated 18 months ago after 12 years of marriage, 2 kids) you have urgent things to sort out financially, without which it's hard to settle emotionally. It's the roof over your head. But I also totally can see why you'd need a confession. It wasn't until about 6 months after my h left that he finally admitted to the full number of women he'd seen, and a great weight was lifted for me. Overnight I felt like a new person. I couldn't turn the page until I knew what was written on it.

It is s**t this stage, but as someone on here said to me, it's better to live in the pain of the truth the the bliss of the ignorance. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Put yourself first, so what's best for you.

Good luck.

and as for the OW, I think you should feel very very sorry for her. Think what an idiot she's going to be lumbered with. You will be far far better off than her.

In the Apple store in NY reading your messages. It's fantastic! Having a great time with DS forgetting about home. Happy new year to all

oooh is that the glass one near central park? FAB isn't it!

I am not jealous, nope no way

Good that you're having a wonderful time! Have just read your thread. Happy new year for you and your DS.

Back to work and school and back to the horrible reality of what is happening. I found myself feeling a bit sorry for myself today. A bit low.

It was my birthday while we were away. So now I'm 51. The OW is reportedly 38/40 ish. Why should it make a difference? Maybe because my STBXH seems quite cosy in his new relationship and I am actually jealous.

Have made an appointment with the bank to discuss the mortgage and need to get the house valued. The long term implications are starting to hit home.

Still concerned about the fact that DS still doesn't know about STBXHs 'arrangements'. I feel like I should try and sort out the finances and then tackle this. A number of you have advised on this and I have started to say things like - I just don't believe the story about the clothes in dads house - when the topic comes up.

Just exhausted. Been to the bank today to find out how much it will cost to borrow the money to buy my STBXH out of the house. It sounds doable - thank god. He dropped our DS off on Tuesday and left his keys for the house and for my mums house with me. Another stage.

Feeling low, even though I don't want him back. Still very,very sad. Some of the defiance and steelyness is disappearing and I just want to curl up on my own for a bit

You're allowed a curl up now and then. It helps to regroup for the next phase. Unmumsnetty hug for you x

Hi Jo. I've just read through your thread and I am so sorry you're having to go through this. Today is bound to have been really draining - securing your home is bound to be stressful and I can understand the key handing back stage won't have been great either. However, it is another stage passed and one less thing to be done before things are over.

I think it's alright to curl up on your own for a while - i know I do sometimes! rest up and defiance and steeliness will be back. You sound like a very strong woman.

I think you should treat yourself to a bottle of the finest Cava a fiver can buy and spend the night celebrating being rid of this millstone of a man. Anyone who can do what he did to you is not worth having. You are only 51 - plenty of time to either find someone ten times better than him or grow older disgracefully doing whatever you want, with no-one to answer to. Sod him, I hope he is as miserable as he looks!

You have all been so supportive. I've read your posts and shed a tear sat in the kitchen Onwards and upwards eh?

Is it too late to start hiding assets? 'Spending' a bit of £££££ of savings on a trusted person to hold on to for a bit?

I know that isn't playing fair. But having an affair and secretly planning a new life isn't fair either.

abitwobblynow I think it is probably is too late. I am hoping that we can reach an amicable financial arrangement as I am pretty certain that he doesn't want a full financial disclosure. It would be likely to reveal the money he has been hiding away from me. I haven't seen a bank statement of his for years and don't know how much he has in savings. And do you know what, I don't really care.

One bit of news has disturbed me. An old friend revealed he received a Christmas card from my STBXH and he has given him his new address. This seems to have reawakened something in me - doubts. I really don't know why. I can feel myself slipping back into 'what did I do?' and 'maybe I'm just an awful person '. And he's sweet, easy going and reasonable...... I don't want to be in this frame of mind.

Jo, passive aggressive people CHOOSE this way of behaviour. They are 'sweet and reasonable' - with a lot of hidden rage. As the Craigslist letter says: if you are unhappy in your marriage, exactly how is fucking some slut going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anything better? Have you heard adultery working out well for anyone? If you think you will be the exception, then you are delusional and you need professional help'.

There is nothing you could do (to change this course of events). He decided you were the problem [of course you are!! If it's not you, then he might have to look at himself and his way of negotiating life, which is far too hard. Much harder than losing himself in Miss Youngandslim's whatever]. Do you remember the old game battleships? That is what negotiating with a PA person is like: he has full view of the board and you are making assumptions of where the ships are, because the board is hidden from you.

Starting a second relationship without the knowledge and consent of the person you made promises to, is a very hostile, passive-aggressive act. He has had YEARS to set up his new life, and you have only just found out.

Please be a bulldog over this (financial disclosure). Divorces take absolute ages to get over financially, and considering you have to give him half your pension, which is basically tax-break savings, you MUST strengthen your negotiating arm. It's about the negotiation. Perhaps Saffy can name SHL! So she is 70 miles away, Royal Mail will sort that.

Please, please start caring. This is not 'fighting', it is asserting boundaries to someone who is, and has, been very, very sneaky. This man is NOT your friend. He is going to use YOUR efforts to make his life easy, ie subsidise Miss Youngandslim. Did you go to work for weeks and years for a stranger? Please let him know it's not going to be like that (easy), he is going to have to give a bit in the give and take too.

Read up about passive aggressive people. It will help you shake off your shock and denial.

Hello Jo

I have been following your thread and think you are doing brilliantly and getting some great advice.

My xh left 2 years ago for an ow after 17 years and 2 dc together , I loved him and didnt want to split at first. Once the whole thing got underway though I quickly opened my eyes to the fact our marriage wasnt right and whilst I loved him he didnt love me and hadnt treated me well for some time.

Even knowing it was the right thing didnt stop it being a very painful and uneven process in recovering. I would have times I felt almost euphoric and others at rock bottom. I questioned whether I had brought it all on myself , why it had happened etc etc. Things like the christmas card are classic small things that can blindside you for a while but it does pass.

I made a huge amount of effort to recover as fast as I could on the basis that xh had already made enough of my life unhappy and I sought counselling, read self help books, talked to my friends. Even with this I still in the first few months had real ups and downs.

Now 2 years on I am happier than I have been in many years , I am calm peaceful and my moods when they are low are nothing to do with him !! Just go with the ups and downs and dont run away from them as they are part of a full and healthy recovery.

X post with wobbly , yes she is right I should have said with my fathers support, as I felt like you, I got a good lawyer and a fair settlement which helps in avoiding lingering bitterness.

It can be very tempting to shrug off certain things when you are emotionally weakened but you mustnt do that.

Thanks for the pep talk Abitwobblynow. Not too sure what you mean re: "Perhaps Saffy can name SHL! So she is 70 miles away, Royal Mail will sort that."

gettingeasier it is so comforting to know that there are other people out there that have been through / are going through the same things. Thanks for your encouragng words.

Jo, abitwobbly is right.

Please dont let him cheat you re money too. It is another way for him to deny the marriage that you had, and your contribution. Even the fact that you were never clear about how much money your own h had is very telling of what a selfish and controlling man he was.

I think you will regret it if you dont. It may seem a way to get the divorce done quicker, and that may make you feel that you are passing over the pain more quicly. But you wont pass over the pain any quicker for a piece of paper.

Start asserting yourself, because we can all learn new things about ourselves from divorce, welcome or not, and you deserve and need more assertiveness in the future. So start now!

Hi Jo. Have you told your H yet that you know he had an OW all along? And does your son know now?

I really hoped that you getting the evidence would have stopped your doubts about you in their tracks. It should have, because it proved it was nothing to do with you. I wonder whether the reason it hasn't is because you haven't done anything yet with that information?

charbon You might be right. I havent told him and our DS is still not aware. I have been keeping it to myself. My thought was that I would let him know once we had agreed the financial settlement. I think our DS should be aware before he makes any decisions regarding where he lives.

I managed to find quite a few articles on passive aggressive behaviour and was shocked by the traits which describe my STBXH in so many ways.