Married 22 years and husband has left - is there another woman?

[Jo61]

In February my husband just walked out on me and my 13 year old son. Things had not been great between us but there was no indication that the relationship had deteriorated completely. Looking back he had been slowly detatching himself and preparing to leave over a number of months. After about three months of him leaving I persuaded him to go to counselling. On is own to start with and then together with me.

At the moment he claims that he is really undecided about if we should try again but happily goes along to the counselling that I pay for. But he still making no real moves to recover our relationship. The only thing he does is call me frequently, twice a day sometimes, I wonder if this might be guilt.

My son discovered a few womens clothes left in his house a couple of weeks ago when he went over while his dad was away. My husband had a convoluted story as to why they were there. He has also been away for weekends camping, where there is conveniently no telephone signal. Last weekend, he claimed he was away on a course. I checked the website of the training provider and there was no course. Is there another 'significant other' in his life or am I just paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

The private detective has a photo of him leaving the OWs house this morning and them kissing goodbye on the drive. So little room for doubt now. He told me that he wasn't at home this morning because he was starting work early. He is a liar. He was with her and the photo proves it.

Very confused there's so many of us! There's some comfort in numbers. So sad to hear about your DS saying what must be hurftul. When he gets upset my DS says that he'll go and live with his Dad - little does he know that life with Dad involes the OW and her kids.

Thanks for your comments Charbon. Friends have already said that there is a change in me. I am making an appointment at the solicitors to see what to do about initiating the divorce. Maybe I'll never know for how long he's strayed or who with.........

You might never know the full extent of it Jo, but has it helped at all, knowing that this wasn't about you and that he was lying about why he left?

Any more thoughts on how you're going to tell him you know - and whether you'll get him to tell your son?

Jo - you wont ever know and that's quite hard to come to terms with :(

However, you do know now that he's a lying bastard and you need to get angry, as angry as you can. He is the one to blame, not you. You have not been a fool - he has. Of course you trusted him - you had no reason not to. You need to stop blaming yourself and lay the blame where is belongs, with him

One thing that helped me... when I was feeling like if only I had done x, y or z or been thinner/younger/prettier/funnier/whatever'er... I'd look at celebs - you know the young/pretty/talented/monied/'perfect people' and I'd think if a guy can cheat on her - then it's not about who they are already with.

Thanks ChippingIn it does make sense. My brain has just started on the fact that she about 10 years younger than me, slim etc etc

It's strange how knowing that my STBXH is having an affair has actually changed my attitude to the whole situation. I seem to have found a lot more strength, which I hope will carry me through the s**t of sorting out the divorce. People at work have commented on how different I seem this week. It was only Monday that I heard that he was seen kissing her on her drive as he left her house at 8:30 in the morning. There's a photo of this on its way to me.

Parents evening this week. We both went. I was shattered, I think as a result of keeping everything in control. I wanted to shout LIAR!!! to him but I don't want him to know I know yet. There was just one point when I had to mutter "pathetic" under my breath when I saw he was wearing a bracelet which he has worn since he left - I assume a present from her.

I know that revenge is not healthy - but even if I chose not to do any of things I am thinking about it's theraputic thinking about them. Any ideas welcome - I need cheering up

Yes! You can think about getting that pathetic cheap little bracelet and wrapping it around his tiny little cock and pulling both ends as hard as you can!!

I have been following this thread OP, haven't yet posted but I admire your strength and resolve. ((((Big hug))))

I'm not surprised you're feeling stronger Jo. When something unexpected like this happens, most people want to understand why. Living in a state of denial is usually harmful and stops someone moving on.

I don't really understand why you're not telling him you know, why you're not pressing for divorce and why you won't tell your son? You need to use this information in your favour and I can't see what you're gaining from keeping it to yourself. Also, have you had a sexual health check yet?

Thanks freaklikeme your post made me laugh!

Charbon I am going to divorce him. I want to present him with a proposal for the divorce settlement soon. I am the one who is going to have to pay out in the end - ie up to half the pension and savings so I want to negotiate as good a deal as possible - I thought that I would keep this on a friendly basis - before I expose the bastard for all his double dealing. Once he has signed all the relevant bits of legal paper work then I will tell him that he has 'x' days to tell out DS about his dirtly little secrets. Do I sound bitter? I am!

I can't tell the DS before then as this will go straight back to my STBXH.

Regarding the health check - no point! I don't think I need to say any more

Jo61, you are doing really well. I have been cheated on - H wanted to leave, said just becuase he didn't love me - of course, turned out there was an OW.

You will have some really bad moments, but during these, try to think of how strong and in control you have been generally to get through them. Remember that they will pass and you are only human to have them.

The best revenge that you can have is to live well. Hold your head up high and enjoy your life without him. You are clearly much too good for him.

Don't compare yourself to the OW. It is irrelevant - whatever problems existed, it was your H's responsibility to sort them out but instead, he made the decision to cheat. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, the cheating is his failing.

Name the OW in the divorce - grounds = adultery with her.

Jo have you been to see the solicitor and had some advice that this is the best way round to do it? I'd have thought the threat of the OW's name being mentioned on a divorce petition would be quite some leverage for a better settlement, hence my advice several posts back. However, if you've had legal advice to get the settlement sorted first and then reveal your hand, fair enough.

Despite everything, the solicitor thought that the evidence I had may not sufficient, although she has not seen the report from the detective yet - but neither have I, still waiting for it. I will check with her again though Charbon thanks.

My STBXH has beaten me to it. He called me this week and told me that he has started divorce proceedings and is divorcing me on grounds of my unreasonable beaviour, even though I know that he has been having an affair. He still doesn't know that I know. I now have the evidence from the detective. A tracker on his car shows that he virtually lives with the OW and her children, other than on the days that our DS stays with him. Plus video evidence shows him leaving her house one morning at 8:30, her jumping in to 'his' car and driving off after a fairly passionate kiss on the drive. He is a bastard.

He has hired an expensive solicitor - even though he claims to have no money and is not in a well paid job and he says that he wants 'What he is entitled to' ie half of everything. He says it's for the financial security of him and our DS - rubbish it's for him and his new family. And the final sting in the tail - he says he'll be seeking - and I am not sure of the proper term here - shared custody of our DS so that our DS spends half his time with him.

I hate him - this is not the man I married

I have spoken with a solicitor who says that I shouldn't panic - just wait for the paperwork to come through. She has also said that our DS, who is 14 next week, is old enough to make his own mind up about where he lives.

What have I done to deserve this?

You solicitor sounds good.

He's probably going for 50% custody because he thinks that way he will get more money. But at 14 your son is old enough to make up his own mind, and a court will definitely listen to him.
Do not panic between now and next week.

damn - the reason he is going for shared custody is that he will then get a 50:50 settlement - my friend found herself buying him out of the house, losing pension and the CB because of his low income - so just be aware of that.

Counter suing re. the adultery is one option but would rack up the expense - he's not worried about money for the solicitor because it will come out of the 'joint' money anyway in the end - my friend's ex racked up a bill for £15k in an uncontested divorce but where his bastard of a solicitor sent letter after detailed picky letter. My friend agreed with her solicitor that to cut costs friend would handle replying to these not her solicitor. My costs in a "collaborative" divorce (where we did all the work and the sols did the court facing stuff) were around £3.5k. The respondent does pay the court costs.

Depends on how pragmatic you want to be - if you let him divorce you and don't countersue then this will keep the costs down - no-one apart from the court gets to see the documents saying how unreasonable you are - I've never read the ones I got! just signed to say I'd received them, I don't care what lies he's put and everyone who knows both of us is totally that he divorced me, they know the truth re. his OW - as they say "those that matter don't care and those that care don't matter".

So sorry you are having to go through this - but this time next year it will probably all be over and you will be free!

It's (as I understand it) pretty difficult to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, - he will have to have a fair number of solid examples of you being pretty unreasonable, which I'm guessing he will struggle to get (you seem pretty reasonable to me).

Wait and see what he comes up with. Then countersue for adultery.

actually it's very easy to divorce on unreasonable behaviour according to the solicitors we saw - the fact that the OP says they haven't been having a sexual relationship would be one ground.

I knew there was an (undisclosed OW) but asked myself what would be the point of countersuing? I didn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be married to me - who would? If I "turned nasty" who would suffer most? the dcs - did I want that? I smiled and agreed the marriage was over, greeted the final emergence of the OW with the fact that I already knew, and smiled again.

If a marriage IS over and divorce is inevitable then what you have to concentrate on is what you want the end result to be. If you want to hate each other and be battling over children and money for the rest of your lives then go into it fighting. If you want to emerge emotionally well, with dcs as happy as they can be (under the circumstances) your dignity intact and more money to divide up - then be as co-operative as you can be and sort things out as much as you can between yourselves not using solicitors.

My cousins' PILs spent £150K on their divorce!!!! that's more than a house - wasted. If I'd wanted to earn good money i should have become a solicitor!

I believe it is easy to sue for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour - it just has to be that the petitioner found it unreasonable to live with. My stbexh has now refused to carry on going to mediation and is suing me for divorce. My lawyers have said let him - he pays the cost, you simply deny the unreasonable behavious but accept the petition. I was advised not to countersue for adultery (his) which surprised me - it makes no difference to the money settlements (apparently). I so wanted to sue on grounds of adultery and name the OW!!

Sorry to hear this Jo, but you must be strong now. I was in same situation, my sol suggested that adultery is hard to prove so dont bother to counter it, and at end of day if you do want a divorce just take it on the chin and look past the reason why as means to an end. Hurtful yes, but I know the truth so bring it on.

Unreasonable behaviour is very easy - can be just things as small as not putting the lid back on the toothpaste! His sol will come up with all kinds of cock & bull stuff

I am taking a lot of solace from the post from catsrus ie those that matter don't care and those that care don't matter. (THANKYOU!! :))

I have just spent the weekend with a number of old friends and have really felt that is these people and my close family who do matter. They know the truth. It's amazing just how rejuvenating it is to be amongst people who genuinely care. A number of you have recommended rekindling old friendships and I can only endorse this wholeheartedly.

Ah well - another week to face - maybe the paper work for the divorce will arrive this week........

good so pleased you had a great time with your friends! Think of this as the start of something really good for you! I rekindled old friendships - one with someone who the ex had a big fallout with so 'disappeared' from our lives and a few who never really liked him are now back in my life . I think you have to keep focused on where you want to be at the end of it - who do you want relationships with? (for me there were inlaws I really wanted to stay on good terms with) how can you make sure you don't contribute to your ds's distress? (you can't prevent it, but don't let him get used as a weapon - I've seen that and it's horrible).

One thing I would suggest, from my experience of the hidden OW, is that you say, gently, to your stbx that you know about the OW and that he should tell your son before he finds out from someone else. I would tell him that you are not prepared to lie to him if he asks and that you should both work together to minimise his distress. The bastard stbx might not be able to manage this, and much as you would like to disembowel him tell him what you think of him, it will help your ds if you can be the grown up here and provide some much needed emotional security.

Well, the papers did arrive and as instructed by the solicitor, I passed them to her unopened. I don't need to read the lies he has told about me. I wasn't even tempted to look - I know that it would be hurtful and take me back to blaming myself. I am seeing the solicitor Monday to discuss the next steps and options. I alomost can't believe that this is happening to me.

I have still not tackled the issue of knowing about the OW - but appreciate your advice catsrus about helping my DS through this. I thought that I should wait a while, at least until I had seen the solicitor. My parents are away on holiday this week too - and they would be a huge support for my DS when he hears the news about his dad.

DS's birthday this week, so I have planned a special trip this weekend. It should be good and he is really looking forward to it. More time away - the house is a tip and I have a huge list of things that need tackling. But hey, they can wait. I do feel like I am running away a bit though and not really facing up to things.

One BIG thing bothering me - if STBXH does have shared parenting of our DS, can he force me to give him half the equity from the house now, or does he still have to wait until our DS leaves full time education? It would make a lot of difference in the negotiations................

Jo - have followed your thread but not posted before. Have lots in common with you - am divorcing after 22 years of marriage, and 4 kids (youngest is 14). I'm the petitioner and divorcing on grounds of twunts unreasonable behaviour. I knew in my heart that there was another woman, but he never admitted this - I found out 3 months after I kicked him out.

I am lucky in that my lawyer is fantastic - I call her SHL (shit hot lawyer). Now, don't worry about the house - you will almost certainly be able to keep the house as the family home until your 14 year old leaves full time education - i.e. 18. Even if he leaves school, goes to college - you keep the house. Regarding access - your ex may want to have shared access, but the courts will always expect a youngster of 14 to decide what they prefer. Twunt wouldn't want shared access, because it would cramp his style with OW, but if he did, SHL made it very clear that the kids would decide what they wanted, and in no way would access be forced upon them.

I hope that helps a little.

Care of your ds and financials are separate so don't worry. I'm glad you're taking a more relaxed approach to the divorce - it really doesn't matter who divorces who as finances aren't impacted. I understand the emotional and frustration however but if a few years all of this will be forgotten..well done on your solicitor for suggesting you don't read the papers.

I know someone who started divorce proceedings on the grounds of her husbands unreasonable behaviour but a month later she moved a man into the house..No one was fooled, of course it had been going on previously. The sympathy was for the ex husband who was treated badly, the same will apply here.

all sounds good Jo

re. the shared parenting etc. my youngest dc (the only one legally a child) said very firmly that they wanted to spend half their time with ex and half with me - which is what got put on the form and did affect maintenance (i.e. there was none!) and the asset split was a straight 50:50. (I got the house as part of my 50% so I know I am very lucky and the family home can be a huge issue where the assets don't allow for that) The reality is that the dc has spent one night in 12 months with him . As I said, I am lucky in that with the assets and what I earn I have enough to support us - not as much as I might have got, but as I said earlier in the thread, i made a decision not to fight him because keeping a good relationship with his family was more important. This is something you need to talk to your own solicitor about in the light of the available assets in your situation.

It will be natural for your ds to want to be 'fair' to both of his parents - particularly if the OW is not formally in the picture so I would tread a bit carefully here. Your ds needs to be able to make an informed decision, he needs information and as far as possible you have to give it to him in such a way that you remain the trusted parent - who he knows will not lie to him. I approached this by saying that men rarely leave long marriages unless there is an OW and that I had a strong feeling that dad was involved with someone else but that he was not ready to talk about it. When ex did finally talk to them then the ground was at least prepared. The only thing that matters now is making sure that you and ds are OK financially and emotionally - the stbx is an irrelevance.

good luck - and well done for not reading the papers! I've still not read mine, there really is no point - I know his capacity for lying, had 25yrs to see it in action .

How are you Jo?

I was going to post that you must find out about OW as it gets you 'real' (ie, he is gone) -but you did it anyway.

So sorry this has happened to you. Would you have him back? Theoretically?