how to find out if he's interested

[cantstandthenoise]

I am a single mum with a 7 year old dd. I'm 42 but think I'm still quite attractive and am often asked out/propositioned etc but unfortunately not usually men I'm attracted to.

Recently I've met a man through my daughter's friend's mum who I really fancy and a few times we've all been out in a group for a meal or a few drinks. I know he's single and we've chatted a bit but not much. I suppose he's not interested in me or he'd have asked me out/shown an interest but my friend says that he's very shy.

I saw him this evening at a party at her house and again no vibes so I should give up. The trouble is I'm no good at giving off vibes that I'm interested or flirting so I just don't know. My friend says that if the opportunity comes up (as she is friends with him) she'll bring up the subject of him being single one day and say 'what about cantstandthenoise?'.

Do you think this is a good idea or pointless? My experience is that if a man is interested he makes it clear.

It's a pretty good barometer for sussing out what kind of man you're dealing with if he welcomes a direct approach and doesn't think you're "predatory" or a "stalker" for doing the very thing that men have been expected to do for an unreasonably long time.

You've said yourself OP that it's not fair to expect men to do the asking. It's also no reflection on you personally if he says "no thanks". You might not be his type, he might not have the time for new friends, he might have a secret crush elsewhere that he's not telling others about.

Or he might say yes

Just do it.

Good point, WT

It would be a pretty red flag to me if I asked a bloke out and he took it badly.

but no reason it should be any worse than a woman turning down a man, right?

No, we're not talking about the right to turn someone down. Everyone has the right to do that, with no questions asked.

We're saying that if a man is put off by a woman because she asked him out - and instantly concludes she is a predator and a potential stalker, then that tells you a lot about what that man thinks about women generally.

yes, WT

or similarly, if he thinks she is too "forward" (translated as "slutty")

ScareyFairenuff

Some men, especially shy men, practically need a written invitation.

A few years ago I was at an event with my brother, his then wife and various others. A woman I knew asked me back to hers and we sat chatting for about an hour. I only realised her agenda when she took her trousers off and threw them at me and told me to try them on. (They did fit me, for the record). Some of us are rubbish at reading signs. If you are going to throw your strides at him, don't do it in Costa. They won't like it. He might though.

"if a man is put off by a woman because she asked him out - and instantly concludes she is a predator and a potential stalker"

I have no experience of that. Maybe it is imaginary. I don't know. Do you?

Liking the seasonal name change, Headless

Pan, where is yours ?

Cheers AF. I wasn't going to bother. [Idle bleeder emoticon]

You'll have to ask Passions that question John. She seems to think that a lot of men feel like this, but IME I've come across more women who think it. Usually the sort who like self-help books with words like Venus, Mars and Rules on the front cover .

I went to the bookshop and asked for a self-help book, but they wouldn't get it for me.

good one PJ.

Name-change - oh, I don't indulge in such juvenile behaviour.

( really, I have name-change isshooos - each time I try to change back it tells me that 'Pan' is already taken - yes by me! Helen has given me a yellow card after changing it back for me a few times. )

You have your own speshul MN glitch ?

You must be MN Royalty

Did that really need stating?

No, I guess it didn't, Yer Maj

Ok Pan and Headless but how about this then? You see a woman who you know to be single and she's attractive. You have mutual friends and you have chatted a little with her several times. What is your next move?

Surely if you were interested you would ask the mutual friends if she was? Or make more of an effort to engage her in conversation?

The fact that this man has done nothing at all makes me think that he is simply not interested.
It's a shame and all that, but if he doesn't have the confidence by now, after meeting her a few times, to register any kind of interest then I would move on.

Just ask him out. There's nothing wrong with asking men out, and lots of men like a woman with --balls- guts. And there's no shame in him saying no, don't ask, don't get. The menz are right, you need to be as subtle as a sledgehammer with some men - ask him out for a drink.

tbh Rhubs, I wouldn't have a next move! I would assume that she is single for her own reasons, and if she wished not to be she would have lots of opportunities to not be so, outwith me. As SS is saying, I would need a sledgehammer, with additional attachments, IF she were to ask me.

But would you not approach the mutual friends to ask a bit more about her? Seems the logical thing to do if you are shy? I have never asked a man out either due to extreme shyness but I have made discreet enquiries which, if they had been interested enough to find out, would have made it clear I liked them.

Still, no harm in 'arranging' another accidental meet-up, finding a common ground and asking if he wants to chat about it some time over coffee?

Not sure about facebooking him, I'd be awkward about that too tbh. Just ask your friends to mention you to him and gauge his reaction, then if it's positive go for it. But be prepared, if he is shy, to make all the first moves.

"But would you not approach the mutual friends to ask a bit more about her?"

Of course not, men don't do that.

What do you mean 'with additional attachments'?

Damn cheek

uuuuh. I mean the attachments for emphasis. Just an unadorned sledgehammer may not be enough! I am shy, modest and excrutiatingly polite at times. (oh yes I am!) No insulty thing intended at all, SS.

You don't? Seriously?
Why not?