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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to find out if he's interested

149 replies

cantstandthenoise · 08/10/2011 22:57

I am a single mum with a 7 year old dd. I'm 42 but think I'm still quite attractive and am often asked out/propositioned etc but unfortunately not usually men I'm attracted to.

Recently I've met a man through my daughter's friend's mum who I really fancy and a few times we've all been out in a group for a meal or a few drinks. I know he's single and we've chatted a bit but not much. I suppose he's not interested in me or he'd have asked me out/shown an interest but my friend says that he's very shy.

I saw him this evening at a party at her house and again no vibes so I should give up. The trouble is I'm no good at giving off vibes that I'm interested or flirting so I just don't know. My friend says that if the opportunity comes up (as she is friends with him) she'll bring up the subject of him being single one day and say 'what about cantstandthenoise?'.

Do you think this is a good idea or pointless? My experience is that if a man is interested he makes it clear.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 09/10/2011 22:13

serve them bloody right then.

Original poster
cantstandthenoise · 09/10/2011 22:14

I have often wished it wasn't that way by the way but it just seems to be. Men seem to be blunt when they are interested and if they're not they aren't interested whereas women pretend they're not interested if they are so a man can't tell.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 09/10/2011 22:14

I meant

"cantstandthenoise
yes of course but it so common for men to ask women out that women are used to it and are used to rejecting men (as horrible as that is). And for a woman it seems mortifying to be the one rejected."

serve them bloody right then.

Pan · 09/10/2011 22:14

It's only mortifying if you think it is. Attractive woman, knows what she wants. A rejection from one man shouldn't mean that much, in the bigger picture of life.

Men did all the chasing in 1972.

oh, and have we all said, 'ask him out'?

PigletJohn · 09/10/2011 22:16

SingleMan25b

"Some of us are far to lazy to go chasing - and many men will have been put off by constant put downs - and some will be too shy. Sometimes it's hard to be a man"

Always

still, mustn't grumble, eh?

ScareyFairenuff · 09/10/2011 22:19

What makes you so sure you will be rejected? Why would he not go for one harmless evening with you. If it turns out that there's no chemistry between you, then you have a friend. If it turns out that you have nothing in common after all you can go back to seeing him occasionally as you have done.

The ONLY thing holding you back is that you have no guarantee that he will accept your invitation. If that happens you just go back to seeing him occasionally as you have been. It won't be embarrassing. You can smile and nod and make polite small talk and before long it will be a distant memory.

But, what makes you so sure he will say no?

SingleMan25b · 09/10/2011 22:21

Your right PigletJohn we mustn't grumble - but I'm suffering in silence till the next put down!

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 22:23

this is a funny thread Smile

OP, ask him out for coffee

that is all you have to do

coffee isn't too threatening but you can build on it if the signs are there

Pan · 09/10/2011 22:23

You are assuming his insecurities aren't as big as yours.

I would be aghast with pleasure at being asked out by an attractive 42 year old woman. He will feel the same, and be eternally grateful for your effort.

and soon you will get bored with the intrigue, or he will get asked/ask out someone else.

Pan · 09/10/2011 22:26

Oh AF's here. With rubbish advice.......Smile

Coffee will confuse him. Shy men need directing. I know this.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 22:55

oi Pan

shy men need not to get frightened off

coffee is a good start

coffee can lead to a shag, if both parties are happy of course

or simply to another date...with the promise of more

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 22:56

forgot the Grin

passionsrunhigh · 09/10/2011 23:20

OP, I understand you! I think you aer not after a quick shag, and while men can be chuffed to be asked out they aer MORE likely to assume that you want a bit of fun. If you want him to become romantically interested, it's better if he asks you out - and i think that is what you secretly want (romance). There is absolutely nothing wrong with your friend telling him that you are single at least! he probably assumes that you aer not. If he doesn't ask you after she tells her - no point in it if you want more than a shag.

I think men on here missing the big point - women are much more excited and appreciative when a guy has the COURAGE to take risks, otherwise she feels like she s the strong one and then it can become a pattern even if things develop.

PigletJohn · 09/10/2011 23:31

IMO that's just a bunch of excuses for not wanting to ask him.

passionsrunhigh · 09/10/2011 23:41

what she wants is for him to show signs of interest, she never said she wanted to ask him out. She's shy, he's shy - i think a friend can really help speed up things if there is any interest. If he tells a friend he's keen on someone else, tthat would at least be th eanswer and she won't be embarrased to see him after.
But OP, let your friend get on with it, while he's single, or someone more extraverted doesn't grab him.

ScareyFairenuff · 09/10/2011 23:45

while men can be chuffed to be asked out they aer MORE likely to assume that you want a bit of fun

If by fun, you mean sex, then I don't agree that he will assume that just because she does the asking she is looking for sex. That's quite a big leap from 'Would you like to go out for coffee sometime'.

The stumbling block is fear of rejection on the OP's part.

At the moment, the man in question is not even remotely aware of OP's interest in him so unless she either gives him some signals or asks him out directly, he isn't going to 'chase' her.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:47

eww, going through friends is too school playground

just get on with it

so you are shy, he is shy

do shy people never get together, of course they do...

it just takes one of them to make the first move

how bloody sexist to insist it should be the male Hmm

Pan · 09/10/2011 23:52

cantstand - ignore the 'if you ask it means he assumes you just want fun' - not sure where you get that from, passions?

majority advice, men and women, is to just get on with it, and...ask him out.

springydaffs · 09/10/2011 23:53

oh gawd no no no do not ask him out for goodness sake! I'm totally with you OP that if he isn't interested he/it will be forever awkward between you (and crushing for you!). You barely know him and the direct approach is just not appropriate yet imo. If your friend knows you like him then she can engineer things a bit, sit you next to each other etc; then you can at least get to know him more, which is a start. The time to pounce may present itself but certainly not yet!

I agree that if he was really into you he'd have made that clear before now. But some men have gone to sleep and it's up to you if you want a man who needs waking up.

PigletJohn · 10/10/2011 00:00

springydaffs
oh gawd no no no do not ask him out for goodness sake!

FFS
Try to think of a sensible reason why not, then check that it is sensible by swapping the words "man" and "woman" in your answer

springydaffs · 10/10/2011 00:04

I have thought of a sensible reason why not, hence no no no etc.

Man, do not ask that woman out yet, you barely know her. Get to know her first, drift closer, find out first if she'd be interested before you dive in.

Woman, do not ask that man out yet, you barely know him. Get to know him first, drift closer, find out first if he'd be interested before you dive in.

Satisfied?

passionsrunhigh · 10/10/2011 00:10

Pan, I'm glad if I'm mistaken in this, it's just my observation and stories from other people, that when a woman asks, especially for a drink, it's clear she's interested physically, it kind of stops him wondering and also men often assume that it's a habit of hers to ask men out - unfair, but common psychology. But as i said, if she asks once, and then let him pick up the intiative next time, can still work. The bad thing is , they bump into each other socially and it CAN be awkward if she gets rejected - if it wasn't for that she would have nothing to lose, that's why I lean towards friend helping just a bit.

SingleMan25b · 10/10/2011 00:34

Has the human race proliferated only through the courage of men making the first move?

There is far too much strategy and social face saving positioning in this tread for such a simple, question.

passionsrunhigh · 10/10/2011 01:21

SingleMan, no, not ONLY, women do tend to encourage men by flirting etc. - but why is that, that when a woman makes the first move, men often a) assume she's regularly doing this, and possibly also see her as predatory, b)worried that she'll stalk him as she's so keen, and almost invariably back off after the first encounter if sex is involved - which leaves the woman vulnerable if she likes him? Woman don't tend to back off after sex if they were asked out, fancied the man and got involved. Even if sex is not great to start with, women are less likely to distance if they agreed to dates, more likely to give it time.

SingleMan25b · 10/10/2011 01:32

Passionsrunhigh - Men don't all generalise as you've stated - your assumptions are based on stereotypical ideas not actual behaviour.