how to find out if he's interested

[cantstandthenoise]

I am a single mum with a 7 year old dd. I'm 42 but think I'm still quite attractive and am often asked out/propositioned etc but unfortunately not usually men I'm attracted to.

Recently I've met a man through my daughter's friend's mum who I really fancy and a few times we've all been out in a group for a meal or a few drinks. I know he's single and we've chatted a bit but not much. I suppose he's not interested in me or he'd have asked me out/shown an interest but my friend says that he's very shy.

I saw him this evening at a party at her house and again no vibes so I should give up. The trouble is I'm no good at giving off vibes that I'm interested or flirting so I just don't know. My friend says that if the opportunity comes up (as she is friends with him) she'll bring up the subject of him being single one day and say 'what about cantstandthenoise?'.

Do you think this is a good idea or pointless? My experience is that if a man is interested he makes it clear.

sorry for errors - WHEN are they going to set up Editing on here??

men get rejected a lot, and not asked much.

after a while many are liable to be reluctant to ask. Sometimes this leads to missed opportunities but I bet you don't like being rejected either

men are just as capable as women are of fancying someone and not asking

btw he might avoid the indirect "do you like my friend" question (he might for example think it's none of your business)

I can't conceive of a woman more attractive than me

children are not a deal breaker, but an obsession with children might be.

I was just giving examples of what might stop men feeling confident and asking someone out, not your personal would-be reasons, no way that was a dig about your looks
But what I mean, without directly asking, wouldn't a man show that he fancies someone - what are the less direct ways? Is prolonged eye contact a sign (wondering in my own case with a man), and asking questions - or can a man purely play because he likes that someone is responding to his eye contact - without planning to try and date her? I'm as hopeless as OP with a new man as been mistaken before.

I'd be very reluctant to put a possible chance of romance in the hands of a friend unless they were especially renowned for their subtlety and delicacy when matchmaking.

In your circumstances, I'd work out what night I was free, get his number and ring him saying 'Hi, don't know if you remember me, we last met at (state event) and when I was talking to x recently she mentioned your name when I told her I'm being given a couple of tickets for (theatre/show/gig/art preview) and but I've got no-one to go with'.

I'd continue with 'Is the sort of thing that would interest you, and would you be up for accompanying me - I'd really like to go but I'm not comfortable about going to the venue on my own'.

Hopefully, this will lead to more general chat and he'll ask the date, check his diary, and say yay or nay.

If he says nay, say no problem and you hope he doesn't feel that you've taken a liberty by asking. At the very least, you'll have broken the ice and will have something to chat about when you see him next.

Of course, if he says yay you may have to scrat around to get the necessary tickets (make sure you've chosen an inexpensive event!) but, if you can't get them, no worries because you can meet him at the appointed time and explain that the friend who was gifting you with the tickets, who only lives a couple of miles away, was driving over to drop them off before you had to leave the house to meet him, but their car's broken down halfway.

You would have called him, but after you'd commiserated with your friend and looked up the AA/RAC's number for them you realised it was too late - he'd be on his way, and you're so sorry if he's disappointed but perhaps you can buy him a drink by way of compensation (note: make sure the meeting point is by, or outside of, a pleasant pub).

Jeez, all of this has taken me an age to write and it's probably taken you almost as long for you to read - but in practice it shouldn't take you more than a few minutes on the phone to find out if he's interested in you or not.

Alternatively, wait until you bump into him again, use the usual English conversation starter of a comment on the weather, and go through the above spiel with whatever variation you care to make.

hahaha! what complex subtlety! I had to go to an international at Wembley once, because an old (newly met) GF thought all men must like football!

It's transparent anyway.

I still think the drnk/coffee/lunch is fine. It's not such en event, is low key, not threatening if it doesn't work out.

izzy I would be so stressed trying to invent all these stories and ready made excuses for fake stories not panning out. And what if he only says no because he actually genuinely is not free on that day. You still wouldn't know if he was just letting you down gently or not .

Any opportunity to meet him again is an opportunity to talk to him. If conversation comes easily, you are relaxed and enjoy his company then there is nothing wrong in inviting him for coffee or whatever, as a friend. Once you've initiated that and swapped numbers you could reasonably expect him to call if he's interested in more.

Bloke here, and agree totally with PJ - a 'direct' approach is needed in most circs. Don't go down the friend's route.

I have nooo idea usually if a woman is 'interested' - she would have to appear at my house, naked, and demanding "attention". I may then get the message. I, am most blokes, are shite at seeing the signals.

I'd only suggest you have a prepreared script before you see him next re asking him out, and make it plain it is a 'date', not just a friendly chat.

hth

In my experience, some of us act the complete opposite way to how we are feeling. I would let your friend do some digging and see what he says as an intermediary matchmaker can be very helpful. I would steer clear of Facebook, but that's my personal opinion as I don't like how it used by many!

Think you are perhaps moving a bit too far ahead - I understand why though -. Get your friend onboard - go back to teenage mentality - ie when your mates fixed it so you and boy you fancied sat next to each other on the bus! You need to know him a little better. Maybe he needs to get to know you? Tell her you are interested and see if she can arrange more social things and bring you along. If she knows the score she can arrange it for you two to be seated next to each other or whatever tactics might work. If she is coupled up, she might find it fun/a challenge to do a bit of match-making, also she could find out a bit more about what he's interested in so that you can wander over and say 'x tells me you are into crochet, that's a coincidence! So am I' and see conversation takes off.

Your friend isn't involved.

you don't want to find out if he's interested in crochet.

You want to find out if he's interested in you

FFS cut out all this oblique fannying about.

"Hello, Jeremy, I was wondering if you'd like to meet for a drink next week? When might suit you? We can go back to your place for a shag after if you want. "

He'll either say "Why thank you, Amanda, that would be lovely" or "Thanks you for asking Amanda, but I've just bought a very large jigsaw and I'm going to be too busy for the next hundred years"

p.s.

have you never listened to a men's phone call?

"Harry? Bill. Green Man on Tuesday? Yes, for the match. 7.30. See you then. Bye"

What piglet said. You can spend your life fannying about, wondering if he's interested, or you can just go for it.

Worst that happens is he says no. And honestly, that's not that bad.

The men on this thread make me .

It really is that simple isn't it. Just ask him if he wants to meet you for a drink.

Women just aren't used to risking rejection. But unless you make it bleeding obvious, he isn't going to do the asking. And making it obvious means trying to engineer a meeting, flirting with him, hinting at him, etc. which does sound a bit ridiculous when you could just ask him.

He may be surprised and he will certainly feel flattered but I don't see any reason why he should flat out reject the offer. It's only a drink, he has nothing to lose from meeting up with you.

Go on, give him call . . .

Please don't take the direct route. Some ideas;

1)If you go for dinner party then use caterers so that you can be a relaxed, and joyful hostess.

2)Sign up for a charity run and ask him to sponsor you

3)The fourth in tennis or badminton is a great idea

4)Try and find/remember some flaws in him so that you don't build him up too much

5)If there another charity activity that you could recruit him for.

"Please don't take the direct route"

WHY NOT?

Tdada - you are being waaaay too subtle. It's a bloke we are talking about who needs his attention drawing to a lovely young woman who wishes to date him. Doh.

Message Reads:

"I can't stand that Piglet bloke, what with the BO, the facial scabs, and the fact he's only just got out of prison after that dismemberment. But we need a 4th for badminton, I'll see if he can play"

thank you everyone for your suggestions! I was really surprised this thread has got so much feedback so thank you!!!

But I agree I can't do all that subterfuge about tennis, dinner parties etc etc. It just wouldn't work, for a start I hardly know him so would seem very strange inviting him for tennis espec when I don't play.

I also just can't invite him out directly, it's true women are not good at rejection. I would be very embarrassed to see him again if he said no and I bump into him every so often.

That's why I thought I'd ask my friend to do some digging without directly saying I liked him.

The question I wanted to know (especially from the male posters) is if he hasn't tried to chat me up/shown any interest so far, does that mean I'm wasting my time?

no, it's because you haven't asked him out

!!!PigletJohn - you know what I mean! Most men do show an interest if they are interested. It's women who act all coy - not deliberately but because somehow men and women do act like that.

I find it really difficult to show I'm interested so maybe he does too but my past experience tells me that if he is interested he would show it.

No it doesn't mean that. If you are attractive and 42, then he may well be thinking you have lots of offers/opportunities. I probably would. On the lines of 'the best ones are already taken.'

Ask him out.

ok cantstand - two blokes saying 'ask him out'. We know these things.

I've asked my DH and he says that the man hasn't tried to chat you up because you've given him no reason (so far) to make him think you might be receptive to that.

If you let him know you're interested and he still doesn't respond then you might be wasting your time, but at this stage you're not.

Don't know if that helps but it's a male perspective.

I just wanted to agree with the men on this thread. I have been with dp for just under two years and i did the whole subtle thing for SIX months!!! In the end I had to say ' have tickets for V, have booked ONE hotel room are you coming'. We laugh about it now but he just thought I was friendly not flirting and had no bloody idea!!!

Ask him out.

Go somewhere with a reasonable, though not excessive, amount of drink.

Get mildly pissed.

Suggest a final drink at your place.

Sorted.

I am not a bloke