How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

I am so, so sorry MissL

Miss Lazarus - I'm not justifying violence.

If I asked you to stick your finger up my bum and remove an impacted stool because I was in labour and in pain would it also be treating you as less than human? Because I had to ask my private midwife to do this - and pay her for her services. A prostitute is offering a service which - like a lot of things nurses do, is something the majority of people find revolting and distressing. It's the nature of the job.

I can honestly say that I do not think my dh has. I can only say that with certainty because we met when we were young, we were virgins when we married and neither of us have had a chance to stray. I hope that neither of us do.

neither of us had anticipated staying virgins till we were married, but we met each other very young and it just turned out that way. We really had no intention of being so old fashioned.

At the same time, I don't trust him never to in the future, everyone is different and people change, circumstances change...in all honesty though, I do hope if it ever comes to that he's not an asshole.

having said this, I have always wanted to lightly slap a very toned and muscular butt just to see if the jiggle would be as gratifying as it is in my mind.

eandz is there a reason why you can't slap your DH's toned and musular butt ?

My DH has a very scrawny butt, and tis a bit hairy. I will most likely never actually grope said fantasy butt, because I know how demeaning it would be for me if a stranger wanted to touch my ass.

No. Not all thread. On my iPhone so cant post at length either.

I accept that people who sell sex are at great risk of psychological harm from the experience.

ButvI don't accept that people who buy sexual services are fundamentally bad people.

my DH has refused to go back and have a back/sac+crack wax since my pregnancy. I feel a little sad about it, but I'm not sure this issue will ever be rectified, nor that this thread is the place for me to vent my frustrations about gender inequality.

I think people with bad manners and lack of empathy are scary, and I feel terrible that anyone has had to deal with people like this. (just saying).

shag you haven't read all the thread then ?

what a surprise

sorry, eandz I didn't mean to touch a nerve, my question was lighthearted

Well - I would do that because I would be doing it ultimately to help you (but I guess I'd prefer it if you asked your midwife!!). I wouldn't be doing it for my own selfish reasons (!!) or because I wanted to humiliate you.

I know you are not justifying violence, but like the examples mentioned much further upthread, I think there are unfortunately some men who think they can do anything at all to a woman they have paid to have sex with - even if they haven't checked it is OK with her first or if it is clearly hurting her.

but at the same time, I wouldn't take a dump on my plumber just because he's supposed to deal with shit.

AF

it's okay, you didn't touch a nerve. It's just a subject very much on my mind this morning.

hairy bottoms can linger in the consciousness, that is true

male butt hair is just a whole other level of icky.

Eandz - when I worked as a waitress I came across people every day who were rude and disrespectful. I didn't find them scary. I daresay there have been times in my life where I've failed to be polite and show empathy. You too maybe?

The point I was making about my midwife is that asking people to do things which are intrinsically disgusting and highly personal does not imply that you are dehumanising them. Context is everything.

Actually, I try really really hard to always be as super polite as I can be.

Also, I don't think you asking your midwife to help you out was dehumanising. I would have asked for the same, as far as my nature goes though, I would have thanked her and generally have been very grateful.

Users of prostitutes as I understand it are not allowed to develop any emotional bond with them, not allowed to kiss, so it's no surprise really that there is no humanity in the transaction

Google the term "Girlfriend Experience" - this is the most widely accepted 'service' in the industry and I'd say 95% of escort prostitutes kiss and provide Oral Without a condom. You are just expected to nowadays or you will not get paid and you will be badly reviewed - this is the truth of prostitution coming from the horse's mouth so to speak. the no kissing is a Pretty Woman myth.

thanks Penguins It has helped me immenesly actually. I know realistically some would post that they do know people who visit prostitutes I didn't expect it to be all happiness and light posts, I was just wanting to get a different perspective than my own one which I was really struggling with last week - that 70% of my customers were vile (and I don't just mean they were vile purely by being customers - I mean that they would be too rough, try to pull off the condom, or reinact porn scenes and call me names like bitch etc) - and all I can see when I walk down the street now is those men. I just wanted to remind myself that my own view is skewed and not how people who have not experienced prostitution view males in general. I have been also been felt happy to realise that my misogynist radar is well tuned! and also to hear the experiences of other women particularly ohmetoo and those who have experienced domestic abuse and whose partners have been caught using prostitutes. x

Trouble is shag your standpoint seems to indicate that you think the client would be justified in complaining about what he perceives as 'lacking' in his encounter with a prostitute.

If you're allowed to complain at a poor quality buffet, as you say, which (as you also say) is comparable to the sexual 'context' of a man booking a prostitute, are you also arguing that the client is justified in complaining if the prostitute won't go along with all his demands?

Remember, this could be along the lines of: unprotected activities, perhaps anal when she doesn't like anal, giving him extra time, fetish/sub dom activities, entering into protracted text/email exchanges before and/or afterwards, humiliation...the list goes on.

If you go on pnet for example, and read some of the field reports, a lot of clients make the above complaints. Eg, "I tried to put a finger up her bum but she didn't like it, kind of killed the mood." Or perhaps, "She said she was submissive but didn't want to be tied up and spanked, really disappointed, don't bother gents if that's your thing." Or, "Was expecting CIM as it's the done thing these days, wouldn't have wasted my time if I knew she didn't do it." Or, "She complained I was hurting her, I'm not that fking big, she kept shifting it was really distracting, she clearly wasn't into it, won't be going back."

I could go on. Are you of the opinion that these clients are 'OK' in their attitudes by virtue of the fact that the prostitute has already made a commodity out of sex and thus should expect/deal with customer satisfaction complaints accordingly?

A prostitute is offering a service which - like a lot of things nurses do, is something the majority of people find revolting and distressing. It's the nature of the job

Maybe it's hard to explain to someone who has not actually been a prostitute, I'm not quite sure how to describe or articulate the feelings - but I can assure you it's NOT EVEN REMOTELY like being a nurse.

Since I got out of prostitution I have been working in a care home. You could say the personal care tasks we carry out are revolting, yes - but the difference is doing this job I have now although it can be exhausting - I feel alive . As a prostitute I felt sad and dead inside.

Eandz - when I worked as a waitress I came across people every day who were rude and disrespectful. I didn't find them scary

Were you naked and completely alone in a locked house with these people? That is the difference.

YY to girlfriend experience thing/kissing.

You have to be the girlfriend who never says no, essentially.

You're always up for it and always dressed for it.

You will accept and enjoy every sexual experiment.

I've only just realised shagmund is talking about the Pretty Woman myth, too. Not the choking-with-a-dick, butt-raping, foul-talking, spitting, pissing and punching realities.

It's already been said, you wouldn't expect to thump another service provider. You talked about not liking the food at a carvery, does that entitle you to scream abuse in the cook's face and shove things down his throat until he's sick? And subject him to a detailed critique of your partner's culinary failings. People pay prostitutes for sex, but also assume liberty to harass and assault them.

{warning - potentially upsetting content}

here's a quote -

"She revealed a flabby size 12ish body.

And she was cold. No kissing as advertised. Oral with was shit, I require oral without. Sex was poor not feeling the sides there sorry.

Any way in the end I got her to wank me off over her bored saggy tits and I was out the door within 15 minutes"

and here's a reply from another punter -

"Sorry to hear about that.
Presumably you only shelled out 60"

and another (worse) one -

"She had this sort of "I'd look happier if I stepped in dogshit" expression on her face. No smile, no friendly introduction and no attempt to engage me in conversation.
She opened the door and just stared at the floor.

As well as an extremely unfriendly introduction- she also understood very little English; looked like she was about to top herself and generally did not look like she wanted to be there. Intercourse was awkward. Not only could I not get a good rythmn going due to chauffing because of luibe- but the girl started complaining less than 8 minutes in her insides were hurting. I mentioned that was the reason I insisted on foreplay."

And these types of "reviews" are common, so as you can see, it cannot just be compared to complaining about a sandwich buffet!

she also understood very little English; looked like she was about to top herself and generally did not look like she wanted to be there. Intercourse was awkward.

HOW COULD HE??! How can he go on to have sex in a girl who is so clearly suffering?

I bet he says he's against trafficking, too