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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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advice needed desperately regarding social services

881 replies

wannabestressfree · 28/09/2011 21:10

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/03/2012 19:10

I know that, and you know that - and now you need to know why your ds has been labelled and treated as an offender and, more to the point, whether his new placement is aware that he is categorically not an offender.

WetAugust · 17/03/2012 19:11

Wannabe

Take a copy of the report Izzy posted and give it to your solicitor.

You can see that even the PCT that has responsibility for the Unit cannot get its facts right.

Truly deplorale.

This is starting to look like the Piers Bolduc case all over again.

wannabestressfree · 17/03/2012 19:12

I have forwarded it to Bindmans already.......

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 17/03/2012 19:17

I have just read about that case..........it worries me a lot.

OP posts:
WetAugust · 17/03/2012 19:21

It was that case that made me realise that DS had been misdiagnosed with a severe and devasting mental illness - when he actually had Aspergers syndrome - just as Piers did.

It was the Bolduc's MP who finally managed to get him diagnosed and treated appropriately. Perhaps your MP could intervene?

wannabestressfree · 17/03/2012 19:32

My DS has a diagnosis of Aspergers which has been upheld by the forensic psychiatrist........ he has a full statement of educational need as well [which I had to take KCC to court to get as his IQ was too high]

The Children with Disabilities team at social services wouldn't accept him as his IQ was too high.

My brother [18] is just chatting away with him and I can hear him laughing lots. They mainly talk about the Mighty Boosh. I feel they may be banned from chatting if the conversations are taped.

They still haven't agreed a contact list for him so they can chat to him if I phone first. I hate the isolating nature of this. Contact was never agreed for certain very close family members in three months at the Bill Yule. And it upsets me as he is a child. What 14 year old wants to talk to their mum every day?

OP posts:
WetAugust · 17/03/2012 20:31

It's crazy, not being able to take calls from family.

The sooner your and his legal teams get this mess sorted out, the better.

Do you think this thread would be better placed on the SN Childreb board? As you said, he's only 14 and must be quite bewildered at what's happening to him.

Best wishes

wannabestressfree · 17/03/2012 20:37

I may start a new thread soon....

OP posts:
izzyizin · 18/03/2012 04:16

As far as the Bethlem is concerned, it seems to me that you've got them bang to rights and they'll have no alternative but to come out with their hands up make you an offer which you will be best advised to refuse until you've wrung the pips out out them there's a proposal on the table that truly reflects the harm done to your ds and, by default, yourself by his ill-fated stay in the Bill Yule and, if they fail to comply, no doubt the prospect of a Court hearing with attendant publicity will concentrate their minds.

The various legal processes are likely to take some considerable period of time, but as you've got a solicitor on the case you can afford to put that particular matter on your back burner while you concentrate on more immediate concerns relating to your ds's current placement and longer term future.

For this, we need to go back to page 17 and focus on why it was deemed necessary for your ds to be sectioned.

You've said that, as far as you're aware, the 'tipping point' for the medics in Woking was the discovery of your ds's 'hit list'; the diary in which he recorded his thoughts and/or desires to harm certain other persons.

As it's not uncommon for the turbulence of adolescence to give rise to sometimes violent fantasies that may be written down but aren't acted out, it seems to me that you may wish to obtain a second opinion as to your ds's alleged psychosis by an acknowledged expert in the field of Asperger's.

Obviously, it would be advisable to allow time for your ds to settle after the uncertainty and disruption of the past few months but, again it seems to me, it would be in his best interests for any second opinion to be obtained either before his current 6 month section 3 is reviewed in May or, if renewed, before November as thereafter reviews will be held on an annual basis.

To this end, after you have had opportunity to visit your ds, I would suggest that you ask your solicitor to liaise with your ds's lawyer and ask him/her to ascertain their client's views although, of course, it may be that your visit will serve to put your mind at rest with regard to provision for his current and future care and treatment, and with regard to contact arrangements for yourself and for your ds's family members.

Please don't get the impression from the above that I've put the Bethlem on my own back burner as I fully intend to continue to dig up as much as possible in support of your case against that incompetent bunch of fuckers institution and, of course, the fact that your ds was the victim of an attempted abduction while he was on the lam able to leave a secure unit without let or hindrance and roam around at will has yet to be fully addressed.

I sincerely hope you'll stay on this thread for a while longer as continuity is key to gaining the necessary overview that will reveal where shortcomings in your/your ds's experience of adolescent mental health services have occured and will give indication of what steps can be taken to ensure more positive outcomes for you both.

FTR should you not be able to obtain satisfaction in law, if your constituency MP does not have a special interest or experience in the field of mental health, you may find it expedient to put your case before an MP who sits on a relevant Parliamentary committee.

.

Moobee · 18/03/2012 08:35

wannabe just found and read this thread and I'm so sorry for everything you and your DS are going through. Thank goodness for the support of mumsnet and best of luck with the action - it sounds like they well and truly ballsed up. :(

chocolateandcoffee · 18/03/2012 08:54

wannabe I have been lurking here from the start, I could never offer the great advice others have posted here so have been reluctant to comment.

I just wanted to wish you a happy mothers day and sent you some Thanks

I think you are one of the best mums i have read about here and offer you support. Keep fighting for your Ds.

ToothbrushThief · 18/03/2012 09:16

Another person who has just 'come across' the thread

Wannabe -you sound like an amazing mother. I really feel for you. Don't ever ever doubt yourself. You appear to have the resilience of an ox and the love of a tigress fighting for your son

Maryz · 18/03/2012 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderwithBuda · 18/03/2012 09:36

Hi wannabe. Very glad I have found this thread again. I cannot believe what has been happening. It is just scandalous.

You must just feel like scooping him up and running away. Sad

Izzy - you are amazing. Thank God you found this thread. You have been unbelievably helpful.

wannabestressfree · 18/03/2012 11:49

I am very grateful for all the posts on here and thank you loads Izzy. I generally go about 48 hours before I have a reminder as to why he is there. When he is eloquent and happy I want him home. It never lasts though and when he is raging, unreasonable and paranoid I know he needs help.

I just don't believe lumping those under civil sections and those from prison is helpful or appropriate. There should be care for those with severe problems that is age appropriate too.

I will stay on the thread. I was a bit 'one linery' last night as it sometimes becomes all too much and I feel swamped. I don't and haven't had the respite I thought it may give us as a family.

I am determined to 'have my day' where the Bethlem are concerned.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 18/03/2012 12:50

Well he phoned me of his own accord [a first] to wish me happy mothers day :} and tell me his toilet is blocked and the cleaner woke him up.......... lol

OP posts:
Maryz · 18/03/2012 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 18/03/2012 13:33

Rest assured you most certainly will have your day where the Bethlem is are concerned, honey - IMO that's an absolute given; a done deal that is all over bar the shouting lawyers' letters.

However, the fact remains that your ds and yourself have been failed by numerous authorities/agencies over a period of years rather than weeks, and the shortcomings of these bodies, together with the obvious inadequcies of adolescent mental health services, have served to exascerbate your fears for your ds's short and long term future.

It seems to me that the task now is to identify a facility within reasonable travelling distance of your home which has the ability to meet all of your ds's care and treatment needs, and which will work with you to ensure the best possible outcome when he becomes of age.

You mentioned making contact with what you believed to be a suitable establishment in Kent which, at that time, had available bedspace and you passed this information to the Bethlem but, neverthless, a decision was made to move your ds to a facility which is located some 200 miles from your home.

If Ardenleigh can offer your ds substantially more than can be found closer to your home it is unlikely that you will regard the distance as being little more than an inconvenience, but if this facility fails to meet your expectations I would suggest you concentrate your energies on having your ds moved sooner rather than later as I'm mindful of the fact that once he reaches 16 it will become increasingly difficult to access services that are available to younger adolescents.

With regard to suitable placements within easy travelling distance of your home, it may be that the Lorna Wing Centre in Bromley can provide you with the necessary information or point you in the right direction to obtain it.

I'm so pleased to hear that your ds has called to wish you a happy mother's day. I'm just off to my celebratory lunch (which will be a very long one!) and hope you have a good day.

Chrononaut · 18/03/2012 18:18

ive been lurking, and am still waving my pom poms for you.

again, no advice but you've come along way! here's to hoping the future is brighter for both you and ds. If you do start a new thread, please tell us so we can continue supporting you xx

Llareggub · 18/03/2012 19:28

I have been reading this thread for most of the evening, and have no advice to offer, but wanted to send you my support and best wishes. What a truly remarkable woman you are, and well done to those who have posted such excellent advice here.

wannabestressfree · 18/03/2012 20:23

I am reserving judgment about Ardenleigh at the moment until I have been up there and seen him. We have just chatted on the phone and when I told him his escapades had made the local London news he asked if I had put it on the fridge....... as I do with all their accomplishments. He has spent a considerable amount of time in the ICU over the last few days for lots of reasons........eg he had got obsessional about the Xbox and his social worker didn't turn up as arranged friday and apparently he cried for ages :{ I hate hearing this as he never cries.....

Honestly its very nice what you all have said but I do feel I should have done more. I begged and pleaded for help but everyone ignored me. One social worker even came for an hour and then wrote a damning report that I was a pushy parent and that I had unrealistic expectations of my children. That's not true its just they are all boys and need a swift kick up the jacksie gentle persuasion to do anything. I have been demeaned, patronised, ignored, been made to feel like I was blowing things out of proportion and many other things and I wish I had told them all where to go..........

I feel that mental health is woefully ignored and you really need a teenager at breaking point and family similar to get help and even then he is in his sixth hospital in 18 months. I don't know what the answer is but it certainly isn't this............

OP posts:
Maryz · 18/03/2012 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree · 19/03/2012 12:54

It looks like I may be just over the funding level for Legal Aid............:{

OP posts:
izzyizin · 19/03/2012 13:03

Shit... how far over?

izzyizin · 19/03/2012 13:10

It it the expectation that you'll have to fund all of the solicitor's bill?

From where I'm sitting, there's no question that SLaM will eventually be required to foot the bill for your legal fees. Are Bindmans willing to come to some arrangement?