What do you think of this? (Embarrassing)

[OrangeJuiceWithBits]

So embarrassed to be discussing this, but need some advice.
I have a fairly open minded view of porn - I don;t mind if my partner looks occasionally, as long as it's not 'replacing' me or affecting our sex life. But he has looked at some porn that i don't understand (i.e. don't understand why it turns him on). It's transsexual porn - a category which I didn't even know existed until now. He has denied that it turns him on, and looked extremely embarrassed when I asked him about it (he had forgotten to delete the history), saying that it was curiosity. But it's happened twice. The web site wasn't just pictures either - it allowed the users to send messages to people working as prostititues, which he had done. I could see the message, and I could also see that only one message had ever been sent (he had signed up months ago, but the account was obviously rarely used because he had tonnes of junk mail which he hadn't even read). His message simply asked 'where are you based?' But I don't understand why he'd even want to know the answer to that question.

It would be easy to tell me that DP has problems and is planning to cheat on me to fulfil this fetish, but please believe me that it DOESN'T sit well with his character otherwise. He's never cheated on me in 6 years (I seriously don't see when he'd do it - we're always together, and when he's on rare nights out with the boys etc, he always calls me and comes home when he says he will). Our sex life is healthy. I want to believe that there is another explanation. He didn't get angry when I asked him about it - he just got VERY embarrassed and said 'why couldn't you have given me the benefit of the doubt?" He also said that he was taking advantage of the anonymity of the internet to see if he would get a reply, and that he understands that he shouldn't have done it and will never do it again. He added that he's always been curious about 'the weird things on the internet.' Please help me to work out whether this is 'just what guys do' and that he deserves another chance, or whether I should be worried sick, which I am right now. I would imagine that most guys would be sickened by this kind of thing and would never send a message, for whatever reason.

[JeremyVile]

There's no way it's just a passing curiosity on his part IMO.
If someone was curious about TGs or any of the other slightly niche porn sub-genres it's all there to see very easily. If he fancied rubber-necking at some TG porn it would be just as easy for him to google trans gender porn/ cross dressing sex or whatever. Absolutely no need to sign up to anything, let alone attempt to interact with real human beings.

[FabbyChic]

There has been no repeats because he may well now clear his internet history.

You will probably never know, and it may just be something he does.

There is clearly a pull there for him anyway. I'd really not worry about it to be honest. A lot of women fantasise about other women, watch lesbian porn are curious but never go there.

Why should it be any different for him?

[Malificence]

That was my point - if she has to know ( which I would) then a keylogger will show if he's doing random searches or if he is au fait with actual specialised sites. It will show her every word he types.

[meltedchocolate]

My ex liked transexual porn. He was and continues to be straight, but the wrongness and naughtiness of it appealed to him. It is the asking where they were based that is ringing the alarm bells, NOT the porn.

[meltedchocolate]

wrongness being that he, a straightman, was looking at an other man, not that being a trasexual is wrong. Thought I better clear that up sharp!

[Eurostar]

I believe that is is illegal to put a keylogger on someone else's computer without their knowledge, or even if it is your own computer, you must inform other users it is there.

[Vicky2011]

Yes I must say I disagree about the key logger. Even in the OP's circumstances I think that crosses a line. It's just personal opinion of course and I can see why she would be tempted at the moment but I honestly think if you are at a stage of doing that, relationship is over anyway.

[Gay40]

People look at all sorts of "forbidden" stuff online. Not a problem. It's the following it up, as JV said.

[Gay40]

When I say forbidden, I mean not mainstream - like TV/TS or fetishism. As long as it is legal, consenting adults etc.

[loopylou6]

What Mal and JV said.

[OrangeJuiceWithBits]

Thanks. It's interesting reading the different opinions on here... and in a sense, it's like being reminded of my own thoughts at various times! At first, I thought that only a gay or bisexual man would like that kind of porn, but I have actually developed a more open mind through reading about it online. He is, generally, a very open minded person who is very tolerant and accepting of all people (whereas I believe closet homosexuals are usually homophobic?) so - again - there's no doubt in my mind that he's straight.

I agree with everyone who has said that the message over stepped the mark, and that looking at the porn itself shouldn't be so much of a problem for me. Thanks for helping me to clarify that. But i suppose the question remains - is it possible to send a simple message (and it WAS a simple message) as part of the porn experience that the internet provides?? As opposed to there actually being intent behind it? It's so easy to sign up to a free website, send a message and have no intention of ever doing anything. I forgot to mention that he'd received a reply to his message and hadn't engaged any further with the person. I also didn't mention that I am SURE it's not an addiction - I spent enough time going through his whole internet history/emails etc when we first got together (awful, i know!!!!) to realise that it's not an addiction.

One minute, i want to believe that it was a moment of madness and that there was never any intent behind it, and the next I start thinking that I'm stupid and i'll deserve it if he ever acts on this in future. I am a born worrier if that hasn't already come across, with a horrible tendency to dwell on things. I think I need to forget it like some of you have suggested. If anyone has any strong opinion that I'm being silly to do so, then please let me know.

[Renaissance227]

What was the response he receieved and how do you know that he never replied to it?

[bubblegumpop]

I have to say it really annoys me when people start talking key loggers. DON'T. They are really bad for your pc.

You store information on there, access bank accounts etc. These all send packets of information back. If you had one tiny bit of experience in IT security, you'd not ever install one, EVER.

Besides the ethical argument.

Anyway op the orn thing, meh, some people are curious. I would be bothered at him following up and asking where a prossie was based though. It shows intention to follow through.

[OrangeJuiceWithBits]

The response he received was 'I'm in Paddington'. Just one line, and I don;t think they had spelt Paddington correctly from memory. No further chat or any attempt to entice him!! He hadn't replied to the message when I found it. A few weeks later, I sent him another message myself from a fake email account (very sneaky, but I needed to know) pretending to be the same person, to see if he'd reply. He deleted it and added the sender to his junk mail list. BUT - by that point, he already knew that I'd seen the original message and we had already argued about it. So who knows what he'd have done if I'd waited and confronted him after a few weeks instead of straight away.

[SchrodingersMew]

Sorry but I have a very good friend who is an escort and only the experienced guys just say "where are you based". The new ones always try and start conversation and are shy.

She talks to me a lot about these things and has showed me all her messages.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we are talking about the same website.

Does it begin with the word "Adult"?

I'm really sorry your partner is doing this. :(


Also, I've caught my DP about 2 years ago reading transexual erotica and I truelly believe it was just a phase and he was just curious. It can happen.

[SchrodingersMew]

And remember... Escorts do appointments as short as 15 minutes so there usually is time to go to them and not get caught!

[OrangeJuiceWithBits]

No, it doesn't begin with the word adult. It was a web site only for these types of prostitiutes (shemales). The message system on the web site was simple - you pressed 'send a message' next to the picture of the person, as opposed to using your own separate email account. He said that it seemed so easy to just send a message, and he actually thought it would be like an instant chat. Your reply has obviously really freaked me out - if he's experienced at things like this, then i definitely don't know him at all. Don't forget that I searched through his whole email account at one point when I was worried and didn;t find a thing to make me think he's ever followed through with something like this. His exact message said 'hi - I've been looking at your pictures, where in London are you based?' Then he'd logged out and not checked for a reply.

[scotchmeg]

Okay - I'm anti porn anyway. But if you are okay with him looking at porn then i don't see why the fact that it is transexual is a problem. There are plently of straight men who dress like women.. that in itself is something you need to decide if you are comfortable with as the desire won't go away. I don't think it eludes to the fact thatt there is anything wrong in your relationship.

The contacting however is definitely over the mark. Way over it.

[SchrodingersMew]

I'm really sorry if I have freaked you out. I only say this because my friend is a very experienced escort and shares everything with me and shows me all the messages.

I actually have 2 friends who are escorts (both of them are friends with each other) and one of them is a shemale who uses a website like you explain. I cannot remember the name of it though. The website I mentioned uses the same type of messaging system as the one you describe.

Again, I apologise for scaring you or freaking you out.

You can delete messages on these websites and a lot of the profiles contain phone numbers. With my friend it usually starts with an email like you describe and then moves onto text or a phone call.

But any of the messages I have seen from inexperienced guys never ask "where are you based", it's normally along the lines of "Hi, just seen you. Never done this before, how does this work?".

I hope you get the truth soon and if there is anything you want to know about how any of it works feel free to ask whatever you wish.

[Taghain]

As a straight man, I can see that your partner may have a fascination with something forbidden, and has looked at/ for it. If it's only been a few times, don't worry, especially if he looks embarrassed rather than giving a blustering denial. Your sex life is fine, he isn't regularly doing this, he's OK.

And if you've sent him messages that he has immediately binned, start trusting him again.
What you're doing is entrapment.

[Gay40]

"Where are you based" is not a first timer/curiousity question. There's only one intention with that question.

[OrangeJuiceWithBits]

Gay40 - can I ask whether you think he's actually acted on this in the past then? You would feel pretty sure about that, given the question that he asked? I am feeling sick again now. I live with this man, we're married and we have a child. If he has ever done something like that, then I can't stay with him. If it's a fetish/ porn thing, then I don't care as it doesn't interfere with our life together. But if the former, then he has actually lied to me about who he is and I don't really know him at all.
Seriously - if he had done these things, wouldn't there have been more solid evidence when i had the chance to go through his personal emails and computer history? (long before he ever knew I had done it!)

[MangoMonster]

orangejuice really feel for you, must be very confusing. I'm not sure that you're going to feel better reading these posts. Can you have another talk to your dh and see if he can help put your mind at rest?

[Gay40]

See, if he'd said something like "I'm new to this, you look pretty" or something that didn't require an answer - or just a vague opening line, then I'd reckon it was all summat and nowt.
Why make any contact at all with anyone - just look at pictures or porn as much as you want. If he just wanted to titillate himself with a bit of TV/TS excitement, there's NOTHING wrong with that. People's fantasies are their own business.
As for you not finding evidence - people always find a way to hide incriminating evidence. Extra phones, email addresses on phones, forwarding email sites.
I don't think he's acted. But I think he's leading up to it. It takes some people years to build up to going through with it.
This, however, is just my opinion.

[Boobz]

As others have said, that it is Transexual porn is neither here nor there.

What would you do if you found out he had acted on it, once in the past, out of curiosity? A one off, and then he realised that it was you who he loved, more than his fetish or his curiosity, and that he would never do anything ever again (porn, messages, actions)? Would you forgive him? (Am assuming if it was multiple times, then you definitely wouldn't forgive him...)