Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Booze In The Autumn Breeze.

999 replies

Mouseface · 21/09/2011 12:22

Hello.

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus. Smile

I'm mouse and I have an abusive relationship with alcohol. I can't have just the one drink, ever.

I'm not alone here, there are Babes who are sober and have been for some time, Babes who are still drinking and trying their best to stop or cut down and then there are Babes who aren't ready to stop drinking. Yet.

So, why not come and say hi?

No judgy pants allowed on here I'm afraid, cakes and cheeses are! Grin

And for those who want to know a bit more about the Bus, HERE is our journey so far.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 28/09/2011 13:03

ma being busy today sounds like a good plan.

MsGee · 28/09/2011 13:30

ma (( )) agree with venus, keep busy for today.

MIF I was south of Vauxhall in a sort of no man's land that wasn't close to any tubes.

swallowedAfly · 28/09/2011 13:35

ah you're not talking about the portugese place i had gorgeous chorizo tortilla and a drink at late at night recently - i was staying in a hotel by the natural history museum and this place was round the corner. beautiful young men all dressed in black with lovely accents and delicious food and a generous hand with the cointreau - made me feel i was far away from dirty old london Smile now it would be an expresso obviously.

MIFLAW · 28/09/2011 13:39

"beautiful young men all dressed in black" - you've not spent much time in Vauxhall and Stiockwell, have you? Eveything else is true - great food etc - but the men are more likely to look like Swiss Tony or mike Baldwin and there will always be a shit game show or Lisbon-Oporto football match on the ancient TV above the bar - swanky it ain't.

swallowedAfly · 28/09/2011 13:40

on a shallow note - and clearly this is nothing compared to jesus' jag - my new north face winter boots were just delivered and i LOVE them Smile

i'm starting to feel really good. day 5 is a nice day - think the gap is long enough to really start feeling the benefits brain chemistry and energy wise.

Blackduck · 28/09/2011 13:45

Hi, not as prolific a poster as some of you guys - can't keep up! But just dropping by to say another evening sans drink despite dp openning a bottle - didn't want it! Milfaw so much of what you say makes sense. I think drink problems are on a continuum and it is very easy to point at someone at a different place on that continuum and say 'I am not as bad as him/her so I don't have a problem'. I think I do have a problem, and I need to address it, although I would suspect most people I know would not see me as having a problem....

Does that make one iota of sense?

MIFLAW · 28/09/2011 13:55

Blackduck - it makes a lot of sense.

Of course, when we are still on the continuum we can kid ouselves that an escalator descending slowly into hell has a different destination to an escalator descending rapidly into hell.

NewlyLush · 28/09/2011 14:57

Day 9 today. Sun is shining. I feel good like James Brown finally

But I'm also angry - no not angry - LIVID - with myself that I didn't do this years ago instead of fannying around with the cutting down, but not really cutting down thing. And disappointed too. Why have I spent so long filling my body with a noxious substance which may well have damaged it permanently when actually cutting it out is doable (even if it isn't exactly easy). And I'm angry with DH too, because we've enabled each other (I think that is the terminology), and egged each other on. And whilst he's trying not to drink too much in front of me, I don't think he quite gets that I'm serious about this. And I don't know how to get through to him that it would make sense that we did this together.

And I've also got the problem that I want some of this fantastic sober sex I keep hearing about, but if I've not been drinking I don't want to snog or shag someone who smells like a brewery.

Is anger normal at this stage?

Anyway, sorry to offload. Got to do school run. Back later.

MIFLAW · 28/09/2011 15:20

"Is anger normal at this stage?"

HELL yes!

Original poster
Mouseface · 28/09/2011 15:36

Hello Smile

Toady (as some of you know) is the six year anniversary of the loss of our triplets, baby boys, Harry, Charlie and George.

Normally today I would be thinking about when I can raise a glass to them, toast them etc. When can I a drink, I need a drink.

Instead I have started a thread in Bereavement sending them a little message and I have three little tea-lights for later on, as dusk falls, when I will go with DH out to light them but their tree.

I feel full of life instead of hung over and sorry for myself.

I am on day 7 and I WILL DO IT. I want to do it. For myself more than anything. I feel fresh, alive, lighter, brighter, just more, with it.

I have much more energy, no bags under my eyes even though Nemo decided that he was going to put on a play with Barnaby, Ellie, and Pip (bears on his bed) at 4am this morning and even with me pleading him to let me go back to sleep but no, I had to watch the play. Grin

Bless him. So normally, I'd have a thick head after dinner out. But NOPE!!!

And it feels bloody great.

Sorry I've not caught up but I did see some posts of well wishes, thank you Babes xx

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 28/09/2011 15:55

sounds like good healthy anger to be honest newlylush - not sure about at dh but at the drinking definitely Smile well done on 9 whole days! don't get complacent.

no miflaw never did stray south of the river much apart from the odd dodgy party. they really were all beautiful at the portugese place i went to apart from the horrible up too late still drinking slime bag guy at the bar who thought he was being all charming when in fact kind of dribbling at me, getting the total wrong end of the stick of the conversation i was a having with a waiter that he was trying to butt in on and talking loudly about how lovely it was being in a spanish place Hmm he was a great incentive to stop at just the one.

swallowedAfly · 28/09/2011 15:56

mouse - will light a candle here too x well done on the sobriety Smile

feel a bit bad for all my posting but it's really helping me at the minute to feel like we're all in this together and to keep coming back and posting.

Original poster
Mouseface · 28/09/2011 16:15

Smile Thanks Saf - I feel like that too. Day 7. Who'd have thought it?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 28/09/2011 16:22

who'd a thunk it?

dementedma · 28/09/2011 16:26

mouse will light 3 candles here too ,if I may, so there will be lights shining here in the North for your boys.
I say we light a chain of beacons for this one brave babe and her beautiful lost boys.

NewlyLush · 28/09/2011 16:32

Mouseface Sorry, I was unaware of your sad anniversary. I'm so sorry for your loss - I can't even begin to imagine what you must have been through but your lovely post brought tears to my ears. Glad to hear you'll be having a lovely (sober) evening to remember your boys.

There's so much sadness and loss on this thread as well as the odd boing. I feel a bit of a fraud sometimes wittering on, when I haven't had the rock bottoms of others. I'm just finding it useful to verbalise my feelings as I go through this process. Glad to hear that angry is normal then.

bafanatheSober · 28/09/2011 16:39

Hi All

this bus gets busier and busier Smile

mouse I shall also light three candles for your little ones tonight.

Waves to everyone else.
Right - off to enjoy the sunshine

Original poster
Mouseface · 28/09/2011 17:08

NewlyLush - never feel like your thoughts don't matter because of another persons post.

We all have our own lives away from this thread, but the great thing is, it's not just about the booze is it? It's how life can affect the relationship we choose to have with it.

You daily troubles or problems matter just as much to you as mine do to me but by sharing them, by letting them out, it just seems that little bit easier to accept, you know?

Big hugs to you lovely, keep going! xx

PS - I was thinking of lighting them at around 7pm. But anytime is lovely of you all. Thank you all so much xx

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/09/2011 17:19

Juggling I haven't read your other post yet but just wanted to say that if your DH is abusive to you he is not a good dad Sad. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn. I have to go out now but will be back later.

Mouse I will light a candle at 7pm. So glad you are enjoying your sobriety. Well done.

Day 10 for me. Now I'm off to badminton Smile.

NewlyLush · 28/09/2011 17:25

Mouse You're very sweet thinking of others at this time. And you're right, it's not pissheads' top trumps. Smile

Makeyerowndamndinner · 28/09/2011 17:41

Yes I'm fine - thanks to those that asked. Work tends to take me right out of myself.

MIFLAW your diarrhea comment made me laugh out loud, it really did. But on a more serious note you're speaking to me as though I were in denial. I'm not. I don't want to go into any details of the consequences that have occurred as a result of my drinking but they have been spectactularly ugly at times. I know full well I've got a drink problem, I have never tried to deny it.

I know normal drinkers don't have to try to stop. I know I'm not a normal drinker. But all sorts of people have addictions to all sorts of substances - nicotine, heroin, prescription drugs, sugar, crack, alcohol, and so on and so on. And all sorts of people decide to stop indulging in those substances and do so. They take responsibility for the damage they're causing themselves and other people, they stop putting their addiction and their own needs ahead of the needs of those that rely on them, they make a real commitment to stopping, and they just stop.

No need to declare themselves powerless and in the grip of a 'disease'. On the contrary, addicts need more than anything to believe in their own power to control their own actions.

If I make the poor choice to drink (and that doesn't mean I think the right choice is the easy one - I have a major problem with booze after all) then that is my responsibility and mine alone. I am being selfish and putting my own desire to drink above my responsibility to do the right thing. To me, the disease model of addiction is just a cop-out. A way for addicts to try to persuade themselves and the world that they are victims as opposed to perpetrators. What a mind-fuck for their families who have suffered and suffered as a result of their addiction.

MIFLAW I hate the person I am when I am actively drinking. I'm selfish and irresponsible and I don't care what other people around me think and feel. Worst of all there have been times when I have not been a good enough parent, and that more than anything fills me with shame. Ha ha - it's enough to drive a woman to drink (just my little joke that isn't.) But the moment I believe that is the responsibility of some disease and not my own responsibility, is the moment I lose this battle for good.

What I'm going to do is write myself a list of all the reasons I don't want to drink, ever. My lovely children will be at the top. Whenever I know there will be a situation where I am tempted to drink I am going to read that list. I am going to give myself a bloody stern talking to. I can do this - because if other people can then I can too.

legalalien · 28/09/2011 17:42

oi- no dissing sarf of the river. My parties may be odd, but they are not dodgy. Suggestions for portuguese coffee venues open on sat mornings welcomed as cricket training in stockwell imminent....

Silver66 · 28/09/2011 17:52

Mouse have a huge (((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))) xxxxx

venusandmars · 28/09/2011 17:53

mouse 3 little candles will be lit here for you and your boys tonight.

There are some lovely Buddhist thoughts about candles. In buddhist traditions the word 'nirvana' means darkness and translates literally as 'blowing out candles'. We tend to think of light as being good, and darkness as being bad, but the buddhist traditions consider darkness as the ultimate state of being, the place where we can exhist in peace and without effort. Sometimes our fears or our needs for distraction mean that we want light, but when the light disappears at the end of the day, or the candle is blown out then the darkness of nirvana still exists. It was always there, we just couldn't see it because of the lights.

So dear mouse when your candles blow out at the end of the evening, what you are surrounded by is not bleak or black or empty, it is the fullness of 'blowing out the candles' shared with all who live and also with you 3 little ones.

notevenamousie · 28/09/2011 17:54

Thinking of you Mouse

NewlyLush I would rather read what you are thinking 10 times a day, or more, if it stops your rock bottom for being any lower. Neither you or sAf who was feeling bad for posting have anything to apologize or feel bad about.

Myodd I chose to land myself in A+E, my daughter in foster care, to worry my family, to jeopardise my job and home? Really? To choose any of those things is nothing but insanity. Telling me off, and telling me I chose it, neither of them stopped me (although plenty tried), and only by giving in and admitting there was nothing I could do about it, only then have I got well.

But, you go ahead and show us how willpower works. I have enough evidence for myself that it doesn't, time and again, and evidence that the admitting of powerlessness has worked for me and 2.2 million other alcoholics worldwide. There's no shelving of all the chaos that was caused, there are amends made and bridges re-built, and that sobriety you said was miserable is joyful, every day.
I can see a lot of myself in you - I thought because I spent most of my waking hours helping others, that this somehow made up for something that I couldn't name, that was missing.
Denial - don't even know I am lying - that's the whole point, that you think you aren't in it. Mine was pretty vicious. We all need a rock bottom. We'll be here when you reach yours.