The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Booze In The Autumn Breeze.

[Mouseface]

Hello.

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

I'm mouse and I have an abusive relationship with alcohol. I can't have just the one drink, ever.

I'm not alone here, there are Babes who are sober and have been for some time, Babes who are still drinking and trying their best to stop or cut down and then there are Babes who aren't ready to stop drinking. Yet.

So, why not come and say hi?

No judgy pants allowed on here I'm afraid, cakes and cheeses are!

And for those who want to know a bit more about the Bus, HERE is our journey so far.

venus that's beautiful. It makes me think - I read a study on John of the Cross's "Long Dark Night of the Soul" recently and it said that the word for dark comes from the Greek word 'Oscura' - where we get obscured - and if things were not obscured, if we could see what we have to face, we'd never step out and start. But because we don't know, we have enough faith to take that first tiny step, and a little step at a time, we can achieve great things.
I know if I'd known what the last year held I wouldn't have been able to consider starting it.

myodd what I find is that sometimes having a list of reasons doesn't work for me. Despite all the logic that says that having a drink would be a bad choice, there is sometimes a compusion within me that says 'f all the good reasons and logic' and just wants to get shit faced. So what I do to help myself is to have ranks and ranks of short-term tactics that help me when reason goes out of the window. That includes not having alcohol (of the type I drink) in the house. It includes having things to distract me (including this thread). It includes having alternative drinks, nice things to eat, trying to make sure my real needs are satisfied.

Happy to share any tactics if you think they might help.

Personally, do I think it's disease, and that I am powerless? No. But I do think that there is some faulty thinking that makes me want to get pissed in the face of all good reason - and at times I choose to call that (to myself) a mental health problem (I certainly would if I was harming myself deliberately in any other way). And sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself I kick myself up the backside by comparing my situation to my sibling who has an allergy, but manages that by deliberately avoiding certain foods.

They are all tools that keep me sober. And I respect any of the tools that keep other people sober too.

compulsion not compusion - compusion is what happens when I mix confusion with the computer

notevenamousie I know you didn't choose those things specifically, of course you didn't.

What I am saying is that we make a choice to drink even though we know this may well have ill consequences for us and those around us. We don't choose the exact consequences but we choose to drink. We could make the choice not to - other addicts do it all the time.

I'm really sorry about your daughter - that is a terrible thing for any mother to have to go through. I can empathise, truly I can. There was a time for me a long time ago when I had social services involvement with my eldest son and I thought I might lose him. I didn't thank god. Believe me when I say my own rock bottoms have been pretty dire.

I've read your posts and I can see that as a result of you having turned things around and made better choices for yourself, your daughter is now coming back to you. It's the greatest gift you could have given her and I take my hat off to you.

lots of people here - lots have different beliefs about alcoholism/alcohol problems etc and how to deal with them. i think it's worth bearing in mind that this isn't a place to slag off people's beliefs and ways of doing things because understandably it will upset and offend. you also are kicking at something that is working for someone else, possibly keeping them alive. myodd there's no one fighting but you - when you lash out at non drinkers, people who believe in alcoholism, alcoholism etc you are lashing out at real people on this thread.

seriously. real people with feelings. it's a support thread. it isn't the place to tell people that you think the way they are doing things is rubbish. the disease model isn't really my way either, that doesn't mean it's ok for me to slag it off or call BS when other people around me find it helpful.

what i'm saying is you do it your way, fine. but be respectful of others doing it other ways too.

Mouse candles lit here as well. XX

i will light at seven x

swallowedAfly I've only ever spoken in general terms and yet you and others immediately assume I'm talking about you or them as individuals.

I express fear that I'll be bored at parties and won't have as much fun if I do them sober forever - your interpretation is that I'm saying you're boring because you don't drink! WTF?

Likewise, I give my opinion on the alcoholism as disease model - someone comes on and accuses me of saying that she chose the specific horrid consequences of her drinking. I never said that!

I'm an atheist. I think devoted belief in an unarguable, unprovable concept is dangerous and stupid. My neighbour is a christian and goes to church every Sunday. I don't think she is dangerous or stupid - I think as an individual she's great. It's religion in general I disapprove of, not her specifically - do you see? She knows I'm an atheist - she knows I have a problem with organised religion - she doesn't take it personally.

I really do appreciate the support I've received but I can't talk about stuff with people who can't listen to dissenting opinions without getting upset and thinking it's all about them.

I wish everyone all the best. Here's to staying sober - at least that's one thing we can agree on!

MYODD - great, so you're not being personal, just expressing your viewpoint - that sounds good

mouse - I'll be lighting a candle for your dear three boys here in the East. I thought what venus said about blowing candles out at the end of the evening was very beautiful.

Have had a positive day, though thinking quite a bit about my relationship with DH. Sunshine has been so uplifting though

Oh and Fairenuff - regarding my relationship with DH - thanks for your response - but I feel I have to defend him a little or qualify that I posted in "abusive relationship support". We do have some issues that need some attention but I think a fair assessment of the relationship would be to say that he can be fairly emotionally abusive at times. It's painful to say this, but I think it may be so. Is that "Fair e nuff ?"

Fairenuff - your thoughts and those of several other posters today on both threads have been very helpful and supportive.

mouseface I have lit 3 candles and said a little prayer for you and your family. take care my friend

mouseface Our candle here is a lavender and geranium scented one in a little glass. It's looking beautiful xxx

Mouse 3 little vanilla scented ones glowing in the dusk x

myodd glad to see you back.

I can't speak about alcoholism or drink problems in general terms. I can only speak about how it effected me and my life.

I am not sure whether I subscribe to the disease model of alcoholism. But I most certainly try not criticise people who do, in fact, what I do is listen to their point of view, especially if the person who I am speaking to has managed to stay sober for a considerable period of time.

I do believe that willpower on it's own could keep me sober! I have wanted to sort out my drinking problem for at least 3 years. And willpower on it's own could not do it for me! Much as I would have liked it too. I am a very strong stubborn person. When I make a decision I can dogmatically see it through to the bitter end!!! Unfortunately - everytime I tried I failed.

My mother said to me about 6 months ago, that she was so glad that I had done it for the children. I smiled. Giving up alcohol is the most selfish thing that I have ever done . I did it only for me. I put being sober as being THE most important thing in my life. Yes - more important than my children . Because I can only be the mother that I want to be, if I am sober. In fact, everything I want in my life is secondary to being sober.
When someone said that to me in my early sobriety I didn't really "get" it. Surely it was more important to be a good mum, or a good partner, but now I get it. I must be selfish - and love myself the most - and keep my sobriety at the centre of that, everything else just falls into place around that.

I listen to people round me, who have managed to conquer their own personal battles with alcohol, this helps me everyday.
I hope that you stick around.

Once again this has turned into a ramble. Can you imagine how bad my ramblings were when I was pissed
Not reading back

3 vanilla ones here too in a purple holder. can't believe how dark it is already - will remember what venus said when i blow them out.

I don't think I said I had been accused. I speak from my experience and tell my story because it's the only story I've got to tell. Realising I didn't choose those things (phew) but that they only serve to show how insanely deranged my thinking can be (that's not so flattering) is that story and has been, and still is, very real. And when my eloquence fails me, I do sometimes share wisdom that has been passed on to me by other alcoholics whose sobriety I respect and is longer than mine. My hat is off completely to venus and many others on here for what they have achieved, by completely different means. If anyone says, 'I am struggling to stop and I worry about life stopped' all I have to offer really is that I felt like that, that I sunk very low, and what has got me to where I am today, which is truly contented early sobriety. If I were to come on and say something that I believe but is also unsupportive and inflammatory, I would expect to get challenged for it. I probably wouldn't enjoy it but I hope it would take it.

Mouse (and MsGee ) on DD's official discharge day, we are going to take some of those chinese lanterns up a local big hill at dusk - one for Grandma, one for each of us for the experiences we've had this year, and we'll take an extra one, for those lost little ones who are still so missed. (I stole the idea from a friend whose father died last week). Wishing you healing tears and lots of hugs.

never read back bafana!

i found a sticker i forgot i had today. it says:

FLYING FUCK
watch your head

i really want to put it up somewhere but thinking probably not appropriate with a 4yro in the house?

Babes

Over the course of the last year +, since joining the journey, I have met some truly inspirational posters. Posters who have made me cry and my heart break with the sadness in their stories.

I have met posters who have been a little worse for wear, had a few too many who we then never hear from again because they are far too embarrassed to come back the day after the night before. Which is always a shame.

I have read stories of engagements, birthdays, exam results, university, clinical results, cake recipes, washer breakdowns, car trouble, money worries, relationship issues, births, deaths, ...... and yep, nits!

You name it, we have had it here and we have sat, and we have read all of the words on this screen because they matter. We matter. YOU matter. Life matters.

The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze me but I don't class anyone a stranger on this Bus.

We all have one thing in common at the very least. Alcohol.

Tonight has been tremendously hard for me. I would always have a glass of wine to toast the boys but I don't want to. I want to remember the happy times that we had planning for their arrival. Telling only the closest of family that we were expecting triplets.

Tonight I have read your posts, venus you made me cry very happy tears, and I feel totally safe in my own skin. This Bus is here for me. I can be selfish and write this post, I can tell you all just how much you mean to me. I feel so protective over you all. It is our safe place.

To me, it is a lot like home.

Saf - I just spat my coke out at the screen! I love stickers like that, mainly because I am a child but because they are witty.

We have three tea lights in three little clear vases. I too will remember what venus said when I blow them out

Saf your 4 year old is a good reader .

Juggling I think you are a very thoughtful lady. You have taken a very positve step in posting on both threads this week. You will get lots of support and gain strength and courage to face whatever decisions you make in your life. There is no need to wonder if you 'belong' here. If it helps you, you belong .

MYODD the idea of will power is interesting. You would think that if you wanted it 'that much' you could just stop, wouldn't you. Well some of us have. MIFLAW and JWN for starters. They went through a lot of shit before they 'just stopped' though.

Drinking obviously is a choice. We choose to buy it, pour it and drink it. And keep on drinking it. But. But. But, it's the addiction that drives us to choose it.

I gave up smoking. Just stopped. It was hard at first but I got over it fairly quickly. I know I will never smoke again. I never crave one. I don't like them and don't want them.

I think alcohol is different. I think that you can never be entirely sure that you're 'over' it in the same way. I know that for me it's fairly easy to go several days, like you. But that little voice starts up - you don't have a problem, you could have a drink or two . . .

This thread helps keep me focussed. And also picks me up if I fail.

Try the willpower thing if you like and let me know how it goes for you. I would genuinely be interested to know what strategies you use. At the moment, a few of us are just trying to post here morning and evening.

venusgreat post. I love the peace and stillness that the dark brings.
mouse three candles burning here in a wall sconce - saying "sconce" makes me feel dead posh.. I don't know your religion, mouse, if any, but have sent my thoughts to the Earth Spirit/god/allah/supreme being...thinking of you and your little ones tonight.
Loved your post mouse about this bus. It is such a great place, it feels safe and real and I have experienced great kindness from "strangers". I like to think that alcohol has brought us all so much pain and destruction and therefore it feels it has the upper hand, but in fact it doesn't. Because,it has also drawn us all together and the positives and strengths from that are huge. Together, WE have the upper hand..by bringing us together alcohol has made one big strategic error!!! It created friendships, support, love and hope. And ultimately it will lose, because the Babes are stronger.
You guys rock!!
Proud to be here.
Watching the candles burn and thinking of you, dear mouse