To confess or not to confess?

[dadinapickle]

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

seriouschanger, i don't mind brutal honesty, esp if said with good grace as yours is.

this trying to do the right thing, by which i mean true to me, the best for the DCs, and in a way that gives Dw the answers she needs without being more hurtful than i need to be.

then this morning, just before school, in a quiet moment i was trying to say sorry (again) I realise that i can't say that enough. i apologised for the hurt, dw said but you're not apologising for your actions... i replied well my actions are hurting me too. Meaning I've cut off, a relationship and this is hurting me too. This ensureed an explosive response, its bloosy narrow path to trend on, and unfortunately its not marked.

the exchange that ensued i can assure you i will be fighting for my children and what is best for them.

even if i accept that OW was an infatuation and nothing more it still hurts. I have to believe that it was just an infatuation, otherwise i can't do what i'm trying to do and try and do the best for the dcs. I don't fall in and out of love fast as a rule... but in this case i have fallen out of love slowly and fallen in love quickly.(ow situ is more complex than i have explained here, but its not as simple as rejection i can assure you) I'm pretty certain i need to fall out of love fast too, and that is hurting.

"its bloody narrow path to tred on, and unfortunately its not marked"

It is marked, very clearly. Don't ask her for any sympathy. Don't ask her to take any of the blame. Even if you have something to say, keep it to yourself. You are not the victim here - she is. I know it's difficult for you too - you're making that very clear to us - but she really doesn't need to hear it.

Your posts make my teeth itch, I have to say - from the very opening 'New boy here...'

You come over as utterly confident at some level - utterly self-absorbed. That would be the first part of the problem, I'd say. It's stunningly obvious to everyone on here that your damsel in distress is frantically trying to put her marriage back together - she's messed around and been caught and she hasn't come to you. That's the bottom line. Her marriage isn't over at all. It IS just a teenage infatuation, and right now hundreds and hundreds of similarly lacking, slightly immature people who have a misguided sense of their own levels of judgement are making the same stupid mistake, all over the world.

You see your wife as somewhere light years below you, naturally. You're trying to act the mature, reflective good guy - but you don't really seem to be that person. I'd say that you come across as bumptious, even arrogant - you probably consider yourself a good looker, a catch - and your wife less so. You probably think of yourself as witty, amusing, intelligent. It screams out from your posts that you expect at some level to be forgiven, and that says a lot about your relationships and how you ended up here. Perhaps that has been the dynamic of your relationship so far - perhaps your wife is a quieter more reserved type, you are the 'life and soul'?

What this hopefully should demonstrate to you is that you are the one truly lacking here, and if you don't change, it is likely that you'll be the one ending up alone. Who has the better judgement - your wife, faithful to you and her children - or you - happy to choose over her a woman who, 'fab' or not, is nothing but a cheat? Who really understands what's important in life? Not you, and not your 'fab' mistress (oh and yes it makes not a whit of difference whether you've slept with her).

The first thing you need to kick is that complacent attitude. You're so sure that you're one of the emotionally literate ones, an intelligent man, one of the good guys - few on here will be seeing anything other than a pretty deluded individual. Deluded about himself, not just his infatuations.

I hope counselling helps - you may well find it does indeed help your wife to size up what's missing from what you can offer her, how the reality of what you represent is so far from your outward image. She sounds rational, intelligent, emotionally capable. These situations remind me of the Hare and Tortoise parable. It's the tortoise that finds the happy ever after. That would be your wife here. I think if she moved on, she'd be pretty good at finding happiness. You - I'm not so sure.

Oh - and your mother comes out of this stinking of shit, to be honest.

You hold her views in high regard? Time to revise that, I'd say.

Still, at least you know she'll cover for you. I hope your wife has an idea of what kind of person her mother in law is... I am guessing she does.

Seems like you're surrounded by weak charactered women that you are keen to heap praise and admiration upon, whilst ignoring the value of the one quality person in the whole setup.

Have to agree with shouty hamster. You don't seem too concerned about your kids. You kindly offered to look after ow but she turned you down, wonder why. And you had the cheek to tell your wife that you are hurting too? Very self absorbed and probably very lonely in future.

Shouty, thanks, you've brought up a number of home truths.

a couple of things though, i think you are right i am lacking right now. As a rule i am one of the more literate ones, but not at the moment, not when it really counts, so am have i ever been?? I'm trying to kick any attitudes, i can assure you.

I believe that i have one slim chance of saving this, and my answer this morning shows me that its very easy to blow it.

I've not been here (as in the crisis) before, so running things passed MN, doesn't mean i will do what every post states, but the general themes are helpful, allwoing me to question my thoughts. I have one great mate, and my mum to discuss this with, who will not give me quite the slap i need. It is clear that saying the wrong thing to DW is too dangerous, so MNers you are the most constructive place for me to talk to.

thanks again

I am sure that losing the OW hurts...but just think for a minute what your wife has lost. You have rewritten her past (when she thought she was loved) and taken away her future (the marriage and family she thought she had). More than that you have destroyed her trust in herself, her faith in her ability to understand her life, her faith in her ability to know when someone loves her, or deceives her. Her ability to know when she is secure and safe, her belief that she is loved, lovable. All gone.

Please do not look to her for sympathy. You need to man up and support her.

Do you love your wife? I'd get some counselling if I were you.

What the hell did you expect from her? "Aww poor you, you've risked our marriage and hurt me so badly, I better make sure you're ok?"

This is the most you should expect from her.

Listen you're going to have to come clean with what you've done - and this is really going to hurt your wife, but there's nothing you can do now.

Exit clean, start your new life & make sure you spend as much time with the kids as you can do - not their fault.

PS - You're a prat, but I guess you know that already...!!

Your wife has made an important distinction I think. Apologising for the hurt rather than your actions is the equivalent to one of those wishy-washy "I'm sorry if what I did made you feel bad" that so many people come out with when they don't want to acknowledge that they've screwed up.

Surely you didn't really expect your wife to feel any sympathy for your loss of OW??? It's as though you're deliberately trying to sabotage any chance of your marriage surviving this.

Could you consider a trial seperation?

You really do not come across as caring at all about your wife, you appear to be utterly unable to empathise with her position at all.

Do you want your marriage to work, do you want to build a world with the mother of your children?

You're not going to get sympathy from her, why on earth should she feel sorry for you, you're not showing you care or want her at all.

"...i apologised for the hurt, dw said but you're not apologising for your actions... i replied well my actions are hurting me too. Meaning I've cut off, a relationship and this is hurting me too. This ensureed an explosive response..."

"It is clear that saying the wrong thing to DW is too dangerous, so MNers you are the most constructive place for me to talk to." said dadinapickle

You know, sometimes it's hard to put everything into words, and you want to choose your words carefully so you don't upset people. However, very often, things said off the cuff, or in jest, or as an instant retort, can reveal as much about you, if not more, than than the pre-prepared speech.

We can't adequately assess the OP's situation, we know NOTHING about his wife, but it is becoming clear that, as others have pointed out, the OP is rather self-centred and immature, but also looking for guidance, which MN cannot adequately provide - professional counselling really is the only way he can explore the situation. IMHO

So well said Shakti.

OP - Many posters on here in the past have been recommended the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends'. I believe it is available from Amazon. It might be good for you to read it.

another who agrees with ShoutyHamster