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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To confess or not to confess?

165 replies

dadinapickle · 05/09/2011 23:27

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 06/09/2011 16:14

LOL @ that being "deep" or "philosophical" :o

ameliagrey · 06/09/2011 16:18

wel it's too bloody deep for some peeps here- that's for sure.

ameliagrey · 06/09/2011 16:19

shirley can you take your ranting off the forum and PM if you have to? it's getting a bit tedious (((((((((yawn)))))))))))

Original poster

dadinapickle · 06/09/2011 16:19

yes i think it needs to be tonight.

The OP was about whether i should do it or not...

you lot have helped me realise if there is any chance for her and the DCs i need to fess up and get on with this properly, and frankly if i don't do it tonight i may funk it.

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 06/09/2011 16:24

"any chance for her and the DCs"

What do you mean by that?

She and the children will be fine in the long run, either with or without you.

What is at stake is your marriage (and possibly your happiness).

Original poster

dadinapickle · 06/09/2011 16:34

shecutoff, yes you're right, sorry, nerves building and am not really concentrating now..

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 06/09/2011 16:39

I was not going to post, but OP, how DARE you use the name of GOD in a post where YOU are breaking every moral rule in the book. ANY BOOK!

How very typical! Shame on you!

So your mother is standing by you? so on top of breaking your DW heart, your kids heart, your own mother is complicit, your DW is betrayed by her own MIL too, your DC betrayed by granny and daddy. You must be so proud.

I sincerely hope she DOES dump you! Who knows eventually you'll get used to being Every-other-Weekend Dad.

AgathaCrusty · 06/09/2011 16:42

Late to this thread, but - be honest to her, be kind to her.

You may just realise what you are in danger of losing when you see her reaction for yourself.

ameliagrey · 06/09/2011 16:43

dad please read if you are still there- this is imprt.

your affair was an emotional one- yes?

it's over- yes?

The question is- do you love your wife now- or do you feel that your love has died as a result of the OW and the feelings you had for her- even if it is not going anywhere?

If you now feel that you want to make your marriage work, and that the EA was a bit of a mad moment- is it worth telling your wife at all?

You see, on the basis purely of what you have written, I could see your position as being little more than a strong crush on another person, which never went anywhere.

If this is how it is- then I will go against the grain and say keep quiet. IF anything comes out later on you could say it was simply a crush etc etc.

I have read your posts but can't see anything about whether you felt out of love before OW or not....

I just keep wondering if this "affair" you kep going on about as really that- or if it was as i said strong feelings that never went anywhere.

deburca · 06/09/2011 16:52

Why would it start my mouth frothing - I didnt like how the OP was being treated - it wasnt helpful it was just horrible. Im lost as to how it could be that I am sensitive to this for any other reason other than I dont like someone being lacerated when they need help?

OP I think you are doing the right thing, im sure it will be difficult though. Putting yourself in the firing line for something often is. I think years from now though you will be glad you did tell. For your own self esteem if nothing else.

Good luck

Deb

Charbon · 06/09/2011 16:55

Good luck tonight OP. Take great care with the language you use. For example, I wouldn't mention anything about "love" for the OW, but you might use the word "infatuation" or admit that you have feelings for her. You don't say why this stopped short of a physical relationship, but be honest with your wife about why it didn't happen. You also need to listen to your wife's account of what life has been like for her recently. She might feel some initial relief that there is an explanation for your recent behaviour and actions - and she is not going mad after all.

I really do hope you'll take note of the wise counsel to beware of over-romanticising this affair - and acknowledge that for all parties, emotional affairs can be far more devastating (and illusory) than relationships that have been consumated.

Also, beware of presenting anything about the OW as fact. In truth, you've only got her word for the state of her marriage or why she is remaining in it. Stick to presenting it as "what she has told you".

Similarly, what you currently believe about all this is likely to change as time goes on. I imagine that just this thread has shifted your thinking somewhat and that will continue to evolve as you have more distance from the OW and more conversations with your wife. So it might be helpful to acknowledge that while the affair was ongoing, your thoughts were different to now. What was once your truth is different today and it will be different in the months and years to come.

I also hope that from a practical perspective, you can arrange to be at home and with your wife if she wants you to stay and thrash this out. Your instinct might be to flight to your mother's (and you should certainly go if asked) but a measure of the responsibility you plan to take for this will be if you are prepared to stay and fight - and take all the recriminations on the chin.

Xales · 06/09/2011 17:03

Good luck.

deburca · 06/09/2011 17:04

Well said Charbon, Practical advice and fairly presented. You are very eloquent.

Deb

AgathaCrusty · 06/09/2011 17:06

Good post Charbon

TheOriginalFAB · 06/09/2011 17:12

If the other woman hadn't come into your life what would you be doing/thinking about your marriage?

Original poster

dadinapickle · 06/09/2011 17:15

Charbon,
thanks for all of that, sitting at my desk at work, on here and formulating my plan, probably not my most productive day (workwise anyway!)

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 06/09/2011 17:44

If you have fallen in love with her then you have fallen out of love with your wife, no?
I think the sensible thing would be to get yourself out of the loveless marriage you are in. In fact I would go so far as to change my mind about you telling your wife and suggest that you don't tell your DW about the emotional affair but just, for your sake as well as hers., end the marriage and set about sorting your own life out rather than atttempting to rekindle a relationship with your wife which you seem to be only doing out of a sense of duty and because the OW oesn't want you in the same way you want her.

DuelingFanjo · 06/09/2011 17:49

also - you say in your OP

"Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back""

so it just seems to me that you have realised what you stand to lose since the other woman turned you away and would rather be with a woman who you don't love (your wife) than be alone. Why are you scared to be alone? Wouldn't it be better all round if you were free to find someone you do love? Or do you think you might fall back in love with your wife - that is if she doesn't do what you say she will and throw you out?

G1nger · 06/09/2011 18:01

You want her to take the hard decision for you and kick you out, don't you?

buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 18:46

Dueling, I think it'd be wrong for him not to tell his wife about the EA if he did leave her. Not fully understanding what's behind the break-up can be quite destructive - there are plenty of threads where the guy's left the woman saying phony stuff which is incredibly hard to deal with, while finding out the true reason puts things into perspective and can be almost a relief.

Original poster

dadinapickle · 06/09/2011 19:19

GInger, no thats not the case, if i wanted to just leave i would as many of you have pointed out do it if not now but later.
Many of you have pointed out that this will just drag everyone down and cause more hurt.
I need to say and deal with the consequences, i've tried to move on and not say anything and its not working, so with the guidence of many here, I see that the right thing to do is tell, i will

OP posts:

G1nger · 06/09/2011 19:21

Are you doing it to clear your conscience then? To make it easier for yourself to handle the guilt (do you feel guilt?) when it's all out in the open?

ChippingIn · 06/09/2011 19:28

I agree with Buzz - his wife needs to know why her world has been turned upside down.

Dadinapickle - I'm guessing you wont read this before you speak to your wife - but if you do, please do as others have said and think about the words you use. You can be honest without being brutal. I hope you have worked out what you want to do and can tell her - rather than just faffing about.

TheOriginalFAB · 06/09/2011 19:32

You haven't answered my question.

Also, what is your real reason for telling your wife you love someone else?

Original poster

dadinapickle · 06/09/2011 19:32

ginger i'm on the train home, less than an hour away from home, so right now all i know is i'm bricking myself.

OP posts:

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