To confess or not to confess?

[dadinapickle]

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

'The OP's going to get a hell of a shock when someone with a fully functioning brain, that's not addled by romantic twaddle, gets hold of it'

Stands up and applauds the genius of Charbon

shirley are you so astonishinly arrogant that you honestly think you can comment on whether OP's children will want anything to do with him or not. Are you telling me that children of marriages who have split up through fidelity do not have a relationship with the parent at fault.

Oh shirley you seem so bitter. Are you laughing at someone elses misfortune? all that Mwah haha ha at the fact that he felt he was being judged?

Its not helpful and yes they will always be his children. Children dont stop loving parents just like that - can I ask though if your children were in this position would you encourage them not to speak to their father?

OP seek help in RL - there are too many posters here with an axe to grind - too many who cant move on - some will attempt to use you as a punch bag, it wont help - them or you.

Are things getting any clearer for you?

If you want a true opinion on what to do from RL people, ask HER mother, father, brother and not YOUR mother/friends.

Whoops - have I struck a nerve with you Deb?

Gosh, your vitriol aimed at me (again) is kind of astonishing! One might wonder why you're so very upset at my pondering as to WHETHER the children of the OP would be wanting to bother much with him once they knew of his rejection of them and their mother.

You've thrown some fairly big old assumptions out there at me yourself haven't you?

Never mind, You keep on trucking on, in your own inimitable way, and flying the flag for those who have affairs, those poor unfortunate souls you're doing a fabulous job!

I agree with Charbon. You need to lose the angst-ridden twaddle about your sense of duty and how you are so willing to rush over and care for the poor sick OW and her children.

Look at the facts. You cheated on your wife. Your wife has told you before that she would not tolerate cheating. The OW is still with her dh and doesn't want you to contact her.

It's not an epic romance worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster. It's the same tired old story that is played over and over again.

You owe your wife the truth about why your marriage is in trouble.

I think i need to clarify something.

I said"Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )"

by which i mean that i hvae not slept with her, i said i have fallen in love with her.

not that you'll give me any quarter but i wish it was a quick shag and nothing more, but its not and that as far as i see is part of the issue. I say affair as reading other threads and some of the links you have sent, physicality is just one aspect.

Just tell her.

You've been sticking it somewhere it doesn't belong and she has already told you that that would mean the end of your marriage. So be honest and face up to the consequences.

But please lay off the romantic star-crossed lovers routine

If you're only staying with your wife because the OW won't have you, then you are doing your wife a disservice. Grow a pair.

You are forcing your wife to live a lie. She thinks she is rebuilding a stale marriage and is working towards repairing that whereas the truth is that you are In love with someone else and staying out of duty.

Tell your wife the truth - you both have an equal right to make the decision on your marriage continuing it's not your sole decision.

Quite apart from anything else - she can't make the decision to forgive you until you are sorry, and until you have been honest with her and apologised.

The way things are now - you sticking around out of a martyred sense if duty, and your wife getting ever more upset and confused about what is going on - can't work.

Even if you plan to lie to her forever about what has gone wrong with her marriage, you need to get past your star-crossed lovers narrative come to a proper understanding of how you have created this sordid, clichéd mess.

Counselling on your own might be a good place to start, actually. You are no use to man nor beast as you are.

shirley i direct posts to you as I find you cruel and quite bitter and most of all venting your spleen rather than trying to help the OP.

I do not fly flags for any affair, never had, as I have said numerous times I have been at the receiving end of one.

I wonder would you be so nasty in RL as you are here. The op came on this forum for honest advice, not snide remarks and people like you being nasty and coarse for no reason. I mean the Mwaa waa waa or whatever childish thing you said earlier was so immature.

If you are only using this forum to take swipes at people cuz you dont have the nerve in your everyday life then I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself. You have no right to judge anyone or their families. By all means say your piece but try to retain a bit of maturity and dignity while you are at it. you are letting yourself down very badly.

Deb

xales disagreeing with you does not mean that I should report your post. It is possible to have a difference of opinion on something. If you find that hard then don't put your head above the parapet!

oh and by the way shirley people leave marriages and yes on some occassions children, but not always. Sometimes they just leave the person they are married to.

I will agree though that you have touched a nerve - I dont like cruel people and witnessing yoru carry on brings out the worst in me. Dadinapickle certainly deserves to be taken to task but not by someone who does not care about his situation but just appears to want to have a dig at someone. Thats quite pathetic in my opinion.

Right.
Firstly thank you all, the rough has been as useful as the smooth.

Spoken again to mum and one friend, talked it through, and they thanks to your help agree i should tell.

for the record

1 contact with OW is already over.

2 I intend to tell DW tonight.

3 i do want and intend to do the best for me DCs (i know some will say well you should have thought of that before, but what has happened has happened.

my original plan to work it through and hide the secret as you all rightly say is unfair on her, and who am i to keep it from her. If there is any chance of saving something for her or the DCs then i must tell.

my mother is keeping the back door open tonight,
One thing i know is that i do not know what will happen certainly in the long term. The short term is that this evening will be awful for her.

i will report back here, regardless and as this process moves forward i will update the thread if i think there are lessons to be learned for others.

Thank you all again

Insha Allah

deburca

Are you this patronising, bossy and mealy-mouthed in real life?

Or do you take advantage of the anonymity afforded by the Internet to lecture and chastise in a way you wouldn't get away with in real life?

Charbon- are you an expert in affairs- a counsellor or psychotherpsit or something- because you write as if you are.

God, I get so sick of posters who postulate, as if their own thoughts or opinions were gospel- rather than just their own well, opinions- tarnished by who they are and their life expereinces.

It would be so, so refreshing to actually have posts that address the poster's questions or dilemma without a preface of :

"Well here goes .... my rant on affairs, and a character assassination of X.....because I am an expert on these....oh, and by the way, what did you say your question was?"

Ha. The thing is Deb, that you have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit about your opinion. I really, really don't.

So calling me cruel and bitter and nasty and childish and all the rest of it just makes me think that you have some other agenda here (again)

Anyway, you've sicked it all up now so hopefully you feel better? My BWAHAHAHA! was actually at the accusation that this thread was a flaming - of course it wasn't at all, but you have tried to turn it into one haven't you Deb?

And you can keep on telling yourself that infidelity doesn't affect children of the marriage. Keep on telling yourself that, it's soothing to you I can tell.

Hope it goes as well as it can do dadinapickle. I don't envy either of you

Nope, im a straight talker in real life too. Patronising? Bossy? lol no, people in my RL know that they can come to me and I will be honest and not judgy - neither will I be childish and say stupid and immature things. Why shecutofftheirtails do you feel the need to ask. If you look back over anything I have posted you will see that I am far from mealy mouthed.

I am also fair from cruel and certainly do not appoint myself moral judge of anyone.

The OP has come back to say that he is going to tell DW tonight that he has had an affair - will this now cue some on here to start ranting about what a bstrd he has been and he deserves everything he gets - and get some other members of the mumsnet playground to join in?

deb

Dadina, I would seriously recommend some counselling for both of you, individual or otherwise. Really helped me and DH repair our marriage (and we did seperate for about 4 months) following his affair.

And there is no difference between an emotional affair and a physical one, if she is in your head, she might as well be in your bed for all the damage it is causing .

I hope you and your DW get through this.

shirley to be direct I dont think you care about anyones opinion -unless of course it mirrors your own - so I wont be too upset that you dont care about mine. Lol, after all really you only appear on many threads as far as I can see to tell the op or whoever has had an affair what a bad person they are.

Im sure whatever experience you have regarding affairs has had a deep and lasting effect, i just think your cruelty is unwarranted.

I have absolutely no doubt that affairs impact children, hence my opinion that the OP should tell as both the dw and children would find out and be hurt.

I was very hurt when I found out about my ex's cheating but I dont judge everyone because of it. Oh and by the way - my dad had an affair and not just one and yes it does effect the children, no doubt about it but do I hate him for it? - no, I dislike him for many things but hate and want nothing to do with him because of affairs - no - thats his own downfall - my mum got past it and moved on - so did I.

dadin - I suspect you'll find that this evening will be awful for you too.

But it speaks well of you that your focus is on the pain you are about to inflict, and not on the pain you will feel.

Have you worked out what you want out of this discussion?

Will you be asking for a second chance? Time apart to deal with your changed feelings? To split from your wife?

It's not fair to spring all this upon her and then leave it entirely up to her to either keep the family together or pull it asunder.

You don't have to tell her today.

I recommend that you reread chandon's posts. Do they make any sense to you?

Your wife deserves the truth, but I don't think what she'll get from you today will be any kind of useful truth, but just the confused, deluded ramblings of a foolish man.

If you tell her what you've told us, she will never forget those words. Make sure they are true before you say something you can't take back.

Shirley your post about his children not always being his is plain daft. if you read back over the thread you might see where I siad that as a former teacher for decades, I have witnessed countless divorced families and, as someone who had a pastoral role, the impact on children.

I know many kids who spend half the week with one parent and the rest with another- and the parents are happier apart- often with their Om or OW- and the children accept and are happy.

To try to wound this guy by saying he would lose the bond with his kids is not really relevant- nor true.

I'd also like to ask why so many people seem to think that you cannot love more than 1 person? we love our parents, children, friends, and partner- is love so limited that we cannot love someone else? we can- but only live with one. that is the dliemma.

But broadening the discussion in this philospohical way is usually too deep for some Mnetters- who live in a kind of Daily Mail world.

Patronising? yes. Deserved? yes for some of you.

dad I hope you are okay. what is important is if you want to learn to love your wife again- you both might benefit from counselling.

shirley for someone who doesn't care about Deb' s posts you certainly do protest too much.

Yes Deb, that's what I do. I spend my days doing that. Oh wait, I haven't been on an infidelity thread for months, but let's not let some facts get in the way of a good old character assasination shall we?

Casting aspersions as to my motives could also be considered cruel you know? And the thing is that the only person I see throwing insults around here is you - maybe you could hold that mirror up to yourself for a moment and wonder why you have found the things I have said on this thread so maddening?

Your final paragraph is really quite bizarre. So, you agree with me then, when I said that children are affected by infidelity, and the fact that I pointed that out to the OP, and told him that it was something he should consider, started your mouth frothing...why exactly?

I know the answer.