To confess or not to confess?

[dadinapickle]

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

Best of luck, this isn't going to be pretty.

Remember to be careful about your words - try to deal in facts and not feelings - "I became infatuated with her", not "I am in love with her".

You have no idea how things will look, even by tomorrow. Your perspective and feelings are likely to change - so treat the way you feel about the OW and your wife right now as provisional.

good luck, don't forget to come straight back on here to let us all know how it went now.

Goodness! If the OP didn't have a physical relationship with OW then I'd certainly counsel him not to use the word 'affair'. I think that will immedeately lead his dw to assume that sex took place. I realise that many consider an emotional affair equally damaging, but speaking for myself I'd find it easier to forgive and move on if the relationship hadn't become sexual.

well yes, exactly.

Though it seems OW's husband thought it bad enough to tell her the marriage is over. For some people (including it seems the OW's husband and the OP's wife) this kind of thing (Emotional affairs) are just as bad as physical ones. OW's husband appears unable to forgive her but does have some kind of strange loyalty as he wants to stay and see her through her illness. Maybe OW is not being entirely truthful with the OP. Maybe the OP has become infatuated with OW while OW was merely flirting and was a bit taken aback by his desire to change everything and move in with her. Maybe she is letting him down gently.

Whatever, it seems the only person in the dark is the OP's wife which isn't very nice.

OP says clearly in his first post that his wife has always had the attitude of "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back" so he knows what he is about to lose. Seems he didn't really want it in the first place though so isn't this a win win for all concerned?

Well I told her, and i think i was the recieving end of just about all of the opinons expressed in the thread. We talked for about 4 hours, moved onto some other things, about our marriage, strange little things that seem to have mattered more than either of us thought.

The strange thing is that she was highly emotional, obv, and i was numb with no tears or seemingly no emotion (which isn't the case) This is stranger yet given i'm normally very able to express things and certainly cry, but nothing. deep deep sorrow for what i've done and inflicted.

I was not thrown out DW didn't sleep and i did a bit, and while every sinew wants to throw me out, she hasn't in protection of the DCs and to allow her to learn the lessons for her self. She is immensely strong and wise, and doubly so when compared to me.

Just for the record OWs marriage is over, i believe that as does she. I think her dh probably has been thinking about his Dcs more than i have...

Actions to be taken.

we are prob going to see someone next week but i'm keen to see someone on my own prior to that to help me break this log jam of my emotions.

thoughts on the log jam would be appreciated.

What are these lessons your poor wife has to learn?

Asshat.

Did you say that you were suprised you weren't more emotional but are, in fact, full of sorrow?

What did you tell her you wanted to happen?

Is English your second language? Some of what you write is a bit confusing - such as she hasn't in protection of the DCs and to allow her to learn the lessons for her self

Log jam - it just takes time to work through conflicting emotions.

Log jam is such a male phrase - what does it mean really to you?

Does it mean that you simply can't fathom out your feelings?

I think you'd be advised to see a counsellor on your own first- but it's not a quick process- you would more likely need a series of sessions.

Does your wife want to work on your marriage- or does she want to work on an amicable separation?

If your OW was free- would you want her?

English is my first language, brain pos not functioning fully!
what i meant that DW, is not just going to kick me out, as much as she may wish to.
She is wanting to protect the Dcs at the moment and she needs to ensure that she has drawn all the right lessons from this to give her strength going forward (her words). None of this if for my benefit, which i accept, and the DC side of things I am very relieved.

there maybe a slim chance to save the marrage but if not Amicable? mmm I don't know. We talked breifly about this. She said she would fight for everything. I siad i would not fight, She would get everything (and i mean everything) and I will pay for everything, and I'll prob end up living with my mum. She was shocked i said i wouldn't fight for the children, but i don't want to fight and inflict more pain.

log jam... well i am a man... yes i think it conflicting emotions and yes part could be linked to OW, but frankly i'm struggling to know which way is up right now

Well it's all about what she wants now. She has to decide if you have a future together and how you're going to create it.

Except for this: from the way you speak, it still sounds like you want to leave. You're certainly not fighting for her, are you? Surely your gut is telling you something - surely! What do you want - even if you think it will be the hardest thing imaginable to get there? Doesn't she deserve to hear this? What is it?

I still don't understand what 'she needs to ensure that she has drawn all the right lessons from this' means. I mean, what lesson can she learn? YOU - I hope you learn a few lessons from it - but her??

It's good she's taking time to work out what she wants to happen. It's not decision you should rush into & later have regrets (either way).

Not fighting for the children isn't something you should be proud of and it's probably one of the things that's worrying her now. You should want to fight for your children (to see them) or it really implies you don't care about them.

I think you need to think about how this should go forward if you don't stay together. You are a grown man with children, you should not be living with your Mother - you should be working through how to keep the family home for the children if possible & how to have a (small) place of your own where the children can have their Daddy House.

Struggling to know which way is up is all par for the course :(

dad i think this is all very sad but very simple as well.

Your infatuation, for want of a better word, is not enough IMO to wreck a marriage.

I cannot speak for your wife- and she is the one calling the shots. BUT again, IMO, you don't break up a family at the first sign of trouble.

Unless a marriage is completely untennable, through violence, drinking, gambling, you name it- then I think it is worth sticking with if children are involved. it's not just about 2 people and their romantic feelings any more.

If you don't love your wife, and you would find it impossible to be kind to her, to parent your children together, and get over this blip- then you should go.

If you do love her, and that love was temporarily shifted into 2nd place by the idea of greener grass, then you both have to work hard at making it better.

I think it's worth bearing some stats in mind: 40% of marriages break up. If that's 40% that go right up to divorce, then how many more must have blips that don't result in divorce? Most, I imagine.

I think you have to take the lead and either tell your wife that you want to make this work- if she will. If you are unsure then you need to go through counselling on your own, and if she is willing to wait or have couples counselling too, fine.

In your posts it comes across as you sort of drifting along and letting things happen without actually making any meaningful decisions about anything.

You didn't make an outright decision to stay with your wife. You stayed because the OW took away the option of leaving.

You couldn't decide whether to tell your wife about the OW. You let your 3 friends and mother decide, and then went along with what MNers advised.

You're not planning to do much wrt your children. It's your wife who is saying that she will fight for them.

You're not even going to plan to find a place of your own. You'll drift along to your mother's house because she's made that option available to you.

I think it's a good idea to see someone individually. Unless you can decide for yourself what you really want out of life, this drifting will continue. Good luck with the counselling.

You sound like a bit of a dreamer, to be honest. Someone in love with the idea of being in love, you want to be a rescuer, to be seen as chivalrous (re the not fighting for the children).

Meanwhile, your "immensely strong and wise" wife is stuck in the real world, holding it together for everyones sake.

Man up. You're not a teenager, you have a family and responsibilities - too much to throw away over some infatuation.

maybe we all have different ways of making decisions, I think seeking counsel on matters important is a good thing.

yes I have not made some decisions straight off, but hey they are pretty damn hard ones, and i'm confused.

I don't think MN along may me change my mind, but many of you can be bothered to write, many with some kind of experience.
The was talked out of saying something by my mother, whose veiws i hold in high regard. i regretted that and MN helped me go back to my orginial position.

I've never been divorced so i don't know what what fighting for my children probably entails, i'm not going to enter into some horrible bitter battle, whats wrong with that?

I am bloody well trying to man up, and trying to pull things together. we have our first session of councilling next tuesday.

thanks again for the guidence many of you have provided

Good luck, dadinapickle.

Glad you told your poor wife, at least you have some balls.....I was the one who said I'd give you a well deserved kick in them!!

You sound as though you are both holding things together for your children. Expect your wifes reaction to get worse the longer she has to contemplate this situation and your behaviour. IMO this is just the beginning of a long rocky road and I'm not sure you have the commitment to walk that road. It seems you are still with OW emotionally.

I still think your a shit for this but credit where credits due for bringing it into the open with your wife.

Ok dadinapickle you want to know how it feels for the wife to find out that the father of her children loves the OW children more....

I was 5 months pregnant when ex told me 'I love OW children more that it' (referring to his unborn child). I never got over those cruel words and nearly lost my ds and I think the stress it caused helped ds down the road to autism because of the shit that came out of ex's mouth!

It also stopped me from ever trusting another man on this planet again and hence stopped me from meeting a proper lover and father ds so deserves and needs and possible siblings for ds which he craves :( Ex's words fucked up ds and my life good job! Ex still ensuring he carries on today doing it mind you!

Your mum chooses to cover your filthy lies to protect you than her innocent flesh and blood...if she was half decent she would say 'if you don't tell dw I will' you both sound as sick as each other. Again like ex's mother so no shock their.

But it is the coldness you have towards your dc that really cuts it for me...you need to look up NPD and 'delusional' thinking I don't know if you are actually just a bad person or unwell? Anyway I am glad you did the right thing and ended it so hopefully your dw can meet a person she deserves and loves her dc....I hope you never said those cruel words to her and never do.

My main advice is get the snip before you bring anymore innocent lives into this world....you don't deserve to be called a dad I suggest you name change!

seriouschanger you sound as though you need help with your issues

forty naw time is a great healer

Just brought back the rawness of it he sounds a righter tosser towards his dc that's all. It was all about 'ME, ME, ME' with him and how he felt/loves... nothing about fucking his kids lives up....

Look, he came here for advice. He didn't actually cause your problems namechanger. Your ex p did. This man has his own problems right now, but he is seeking help. If everyone who comes here for a bit of advice is treated like that no one will bother.

Relationships break down, it's very much part of being human. It's also impossible to pick and choose who you fall (and stay) in love with.

I don't see anywhere him saying he loves the OW children more.

dadinapickle I understand where you are coming from with "not fighting"

My marriage broke down a year ago and I moved out of the family home. My DC are older teens and I didn't want to break up their home, or disrupt their lives any more than I already was leaving their father. I love them all fiercely and proudly and have been their hands on parent for 20 years but I had to get out to save myself.

I have kept things civil with my Ex. We don't argue. I don't insist on anything, I ask humbly. We have a family meal every sunday night all together with whoever is home to sort out the week. I hate being with H but the DC like it. They come and eat and spend time at my place but only when they choose to. This is happening more as time passes and makes me happy.

If any accused me of not loving them I would say what I have done has hurt them less than battles and harsh words would have done. But it has been incredibly hard. I have missed them so much.

If you don't want to go through this then tell your wife you want to save your family and will do whatever it takes, whatever she wants to make things better. And give her time. She needs to process what has happened, rage and cry and shout, before she can decide what she wants and how she wants the future to be. That is her right.

again i think clarification is needed.
when talking about OW and her dcs, i was trying to explain i was fully aware that if that was the road i was going on i would be getting a lot more than just a fab woman, on her good days.

also for the record on most measures i would be considered a pretty good dad and will continue to be one whatever the situation, i love my girls and i will also fight FOR them and their wellbeing, but i'm not willing to fight OVER them, i can only see that being discructive. I'm focusing on ME here as that is the bit i'm struggling with.

I'm still at home 36hrs having fessed up. My issue is my lack of emotion towards DW in trying to explain my actions. I said to OW that i loved her, and i have now broken it off as has she. So assuming that even if its nothing more than a teenage style rush, it still fucking hurts, and i'm having to convince myself that its a teenage infatuation.

So even if i'm commited to my DW, and for the reasons mentioned above, its proving really hard to express my regret and sorrow in a way she needs.

I'm sorry for all of you for not seeming to take the others into consideration, but i was asking a specific question.

ps, i do enjoy the little spats that occur. its a strange place the message board. People laying into me then others defending the OP. To me it shows everyone gives a damn and that i think is good. The ones we should all worry about are other who have stopped giving a damn.

have as good a day as you are able to.

dadinapickle I hope you don't mind my brutal honesty but this is what it is like for a woman and wanted you to try and sense the rawness. I am glad you are taking advice and not being totally honest with your dw to save her the pain.

I am glad a provoked a response too from you about your dc as you were sounding such a dick saying I wont fight for my kids....and I want to care for OW and her children....it was so awful to read that like your dc didnt even come into it.

Maybe you don't have feelings because you just don't love her which may be the case....you cant stay as you have a 'duty' if you don't love your dw and or your dc you can't stay don't mess her head up anymore as it is so so so not fair on your dw....I too feel you need to walk away it sounds dead any feelings you had. I am going through the 'why doesnt dad love/see me?' with my 7yr old ds and that is far more heart breaking for any mum. If you say you are a good dad be their for them and support them and fight if need be for them but your dw sounds like she only wants what is best for the dc too so can't see a problem needing to 'fight' ....you did express though as if you just didnt care about anything and I am glad you expressed your feelings about your dc now.

Concentrate on being their for your dc as they will be devestated if old enough to understand. You need to concentrate on them not this woman who has no interest in wanting to ever be with you.

When your dw forgives you (she will if you show you love your dc and want to be a good dad) maybe then you can build bridges as friends.
I know your feelings for your dw was long gone and you should have really finished that relationship first? It sounds like it was a shock when OW told you she would not break her marriage up? Also do you falll in and out of love fast?
I personally think you need to spend a long time single to work out why things turned out like this in hope that you don't devestate someone again like this.