To confess or not to confess?

[dadinapickle]

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

Stop playing the martyr.

You had an affair & wanted to leave your babies in order to gallantly take care of another mans children instead, the OW's children have a dad and it's not you.

You have your own children start taking care of them forget about rushing off to take care of someone else's.

Your wife deserves to know the truth because you don't care about her feelings, you're all; I'm sacrificing myself & my true love to 'do the right thing', so let your wife decide whether she wants someone's (ie OW) reject & the accompanying woe is me attitude.

And get a full STI check before you launch into this whole sacrificing your love & self in order to do the right thing act.

Your wife is the other of yur children, she's put up with you thro the good & the bad. She's still there after you told her you wanted to leave her & your babies.

Maybe you'll turn around & find she's realised she's worth more than to be treated the way you have done & continue to do.

Btw your mother & friends are telling you to hide the truth from your wife because they're looking out for your best interest. They can see what you are about to lose.

If you think this is a hateful flaming then..MWAHA HA HA HA!

another to say

you dont love your wife, she deserves better in the long run, she deserves a man that loves her not that is with her cos he cant have OW

thats all

I think people here have given you good advice with a warning of what the consequences will be. Might be harsh to read but I don't think anyone has gone around wishing you violence or cruel punishment: just to face the reality of your situation. You keep adding little bits like mumsnetters wanting you to get a "bollock kicking, shit in face etc" when all they're doing is telling you to face up to what you've done.

the haters? What an odd thing to say. People are just giving honest advice but surely it's reasonable that most parents on here would hate the idea of an affair.

And for the record despite what the minority think a woman posting as ou have done would have received the same advice.

amnd despite chronic fatigue OW managed to fuck about on her DH! words fail me! she cant be that fucking tired

it's funny how these postings are played out like chinese whispers- OP makes a point then the emphasis is put on one point from a slightly different angle.

I'm picking up on "you want to care for another man's children...."

I don't think the OP said this as his primary objective- which some of you seem to have implied.

What he surely meant was he wanted this OW and accepted her DCs as part of the package.

I also think it's unfair to become hysterical and use emotional language/blackmailing techniques such as "ripping two families apart..your children will not take kindly..." etc etc.

My background is in teaching. I have met dozens and dozens of children whose parents have split for all kinds of reasons. In almost every case, they have remained loyal to both parents and got over any split with less of a judging attitude than many adults could envisage.

Sometimes children can be more accpeting and philosophical over this stuff than adults!

OP if 4 people know then your wife will - one day.

You can either live looking over your shoulder, or tell the truth.

If you decide your marriage is over, then you could decide it would be better not to tell about the affair, unless you intend to ignite it once you leave.

You might also like to consider counselling to discover what changed in your marriage and how to prevent that occuring again in any new relationship.

OP the advice fom mother and friends is different from that given online because those people love and care for the person they know you to be - or at least thought you to be. The rest of us are making judgements based on a few written words.

People commit heinous crimes and their families stand by them - an affair is a blemish on your character to say the least but it doesn't make you a horrible person.

OW's marriage is not over. She and her H are staying together. Her illness if chronic and undiagnosed could last for 15/20 /more years. Staying together for the kids is an excuse that has been used for ever.

OW didn't rightly say no way. She said no way do I want to change my situation to be with you after she had been caught texting.

Congratulations on being such a big man you are happy to take on OW's children. What about your own poor children . You would have walked out on your wife and children with out a backward glance if that is what the OW wanted. I am pretty sure if she changed her mind now you would scoot off over there with out a thought for others.

Do you wife a favor. In fact do her several

Let her know that you have been screwing around so that she can go to a STI clinic and check that you haven't left her with any nasty surprises. Condoms and no symptoms mean diddly squat. This is the minimum you owe her.

Let her know that you don't love her, that you would rather put OW and her children over your wife and own children so that she can eventually when she gets over the hurt find a decent man who wants her and her children.

You will never fix your marriage with your wife. It can be taken apart and put back together differently.

This will never happen because it is not what you want, you have made no effort to find out why you think you have the right to treat other people this way and will just do it again.

I guess what interests me most is that the advice i have recieved face to face, seems to at complete odds with overwhelming view here,

Because they are emotionally involved in one way or another. They don't want to see you leave your wife. They don't want to see the kids hurt. They want what you said to go away and not have happened.

Get checked out for STIs
Get some counselling, probably on your own initially
I also think you need to tell your wife as, quite apart from the moral issue, 4 other people know so it is only a matter of time before your wife knows too.

Your duty is to your wife and children, especially the latter. The starting point is that you must never ever communicate in any way with OW ever again.

Stop whining about being unhappy, go back and really work at your marriage. I think that you would be better not to tell: you need to minimise the potential damage to your children. You have destroyed one family. try to avoid destroying another

xales your post is really horrible.

It's negative, judgy, callous.

You make absolutes of things that are never going to be absolute.

Like he will never fix his marriage. Oh yes- you have a crystal ball.

And that he would walk away "without a backward glance"

You must be reading another post 'cos I don't see those words anywhere.

People make mistakes. they are human. you post as if no couple ever split, and that the world is full of happy familes and anyone who doesn't fit this mould is some kind of lower life, worthy of your sarcasm.

40% of marriages end in divorce and many of those involve children.

I am not saying that is right- but the man posting here is struggling to do his best - what do you think your post achieves other than giving him the proverbial kick in the balls?

dad, I wonder if it would be possible for you to basically do nothing for a few weeks, until you have had time to think things through properly, not a knee jerk reaction. I think you would benefit from some 1-1 counselling where you can air, without judgment, which you will certainly get on a forum such as this, your feelings and wishes etc etc.

I would at all times though accept that you will have to tell your wife. She will find out and it will be much worse, could you imagine the reaction then?

years from now when this is all sorted out one way or another you will be able to reflect back on what happened - i think it would be good for you to know that you did the right thing and were honest - at the end at least.

your children will always be your children, whether you look after ow and her family or not.

For what its worth I dont believe you are a horrible person, just a human one and someone who is struggling. I would repeat my opinion that counselling would be good for you.

I appreciate that there are posters on here who have been horribly hurt by affairs as have their families but there are some who are just using this forum to rant and sound off and generally be bloody nasty. I think OP is aware that this is a mess - he is trying to sort it one way or the other - does ranting at him regarding how bad he is make it any better?

Some on mumsnet use this forum to be the childish nasty people they would never dare be in real life - its easy though to judge and hurt when you are hiding behind a keyboard and a username.

dad its a very difficult situation but one that will have to be sorted. Try speaking to someone who is impartial and level headed - your GP might be able to recommend someone who can help. Above all - good luck

deb

I think if you're in love with someone else and longing to be with her, OP, you can't make your marriage work.

If you want to make it work, you have to detach yourself emotionally from the OW and throw yourself wholeheartedly into your marriage. I also think you'll need to confess, as your dw knows something is wrong but can't work out what, and nothing else is going to explain it. Lots of people say they'd leave if their partner had an affair, but in reality, a lot stay.

If you're only staying in the marriage because the OW is staying in hers, then you're being cruel to your wife and depriving her of the chance to make a life without you, with someone who loves her fully. You should leave and be a good ex, paying up your child support and being reliable for your kids.

Putting aside all the moral aspects and considerations of your situation:

You have absolutely no idea if you love this other woman - you have not lived with her and her children and her condition.

It is all fantasy and illusion.

Your 'great love' for her is based on exciting, snatched, romantic moments and passionate sex balanced against the domestic drudgeryof a longterm marriage - like duh!

The grass will not be greener, mark my words. Oh and you will damage your children by leaving for OW and family - that's 100% definite.

I'd say grow the fuck up - quick smart.

ameliagrey if you have a problem with my posts report them.

If OW really wanted to be with OP she would be not matter if her H wanted to stay with her 'just for the kids'. Perhaps she just thinks she should try and make it work or perhaps she really wants to be with him, who knows?

His marriage cannot be fixed. It shouldn't be fixed. The marriage they had obviously wasn't right and didn't work.

It can be taken apart examined and rebuilt differently perhaps even stronger than it was before. It will need a lot of internal honesty from OP to find out why he did this and what he can do to stop it happening again even if he never tells his wife about it.

If he never tells his wife how can she make any changes herself within the marriage that may help this process?

His wife has made it clear that she wouldn't take him back if he played away. Many say this but change their minds. He is denying her the honesty to make that decision if he wants by keeping quiet despite knowing her opinion.

OP has gone on about his love for OW, his strong feelings for her and his willingness to take on her kids. He even said he was ready to leave his family but just that OW didn't want him to which is why he didn't. That is what I based my without a backward glance on.

Everything he has said about his wife and kids is about duty. I am sure he does love his kids and maybe even his wife as the woman he married and who bore his kids.

If he only stays with his wife out of duty he is never going to be happy and will look elsewhere for what is missing again in my opinion.

As other people know, how much will the hurt for his wife be further down the line if she finds this all out?

Deb said

"your children will always be your children, whether you look after ow and her family or not. "

Please don't believe this. It simply is not true. Well, it is true to the extent that you will have a biological tie to your children for the rest of your life; how much they will want to bother with you is a different matter.

It does make me laugh, all this "don't be so judgemental" stuff.

Also I think he has told his mother and 4 people in the hope (maybe unwittingly) that one of them will pass on the information to someone who will tell his wife and do the dirty deed for him even if they dont.

Barely a word about the kids in the posts anyway. So sad.

I do judge that. I judge that harshly.

My heart absolutely breaks for your wife, thrashing around trying to make sense of it, when the truth is oh so simple. But you don't feel she deserves to be in on that little secret.

How arrogant.

Apparently you feel she also doesn't deserve to know that you are willing to work on it largely because ow has said it's not going to work with her.

Even though you know her views on infidelity, you have decided that perhaps you should save her from herself in a sense. Her views on infidelity must be wrong so you had better not tell her about your affair.

Is she allowed any dignity in this whatsoever?

If you love someone else then your marriage is dead. You should move out and let your wife rebuild her life without you.

Maybe you can make a go of it with the OW but to be really honest it sounds like she has told you a pack of lies. No man in the world would be prepared to nurse a woman until she is fit enough to move her other man in. Your OW is just not that into you.

Start a new life without any women in it for at least a year and just concentrate on being a good dad.

The bit that makes me is where your sense of duty never stopped you screwing around but it stopped you from leaving the wife you don't love, making her second guess herself as she knows something has changed, blame herself, making her miserable without ever knowing why and without any hope of changing. Because you dont love her and wont let her go to find someone who does. ARSE!!!!

Affairs when both parties are married tend to be particularly delusional. It's so easy to put charges on the card without picking up the bill. So both will profess undying love and engage in lots of sighing about if only they had met beforehand, how tragic the story, how unique is their love.

Usually, one of both of them is lying and knows this at the time. They know they'll never have to follow through with any actions to demonstrate their love is "real". When reality does intrude (i.e. the OW's texts got discovered at home) there is much backtracking and invention of ludicrous cover stories for remaining in the marriage.

Unfortunately I think the OP is still in the habit of believing this fantasy and a part of him can't understand why true love won't conquer all. Hence the ridiculous notion that he will rush in and take care of a "sick" woman and her children, no doubt because that's what he thinks "good men in love" do. Never mind the woman and children left behind who are desperately in need of a "good man" but have been short-changed of one for some time....

The good news for the OP is that he might realise that he doesn't actually love the OW at all - but he does love the "story" and is still wedded to it.

Which is why I suggest he examines this story forensically before speaking to his wife, because the OP's going to get a hell of a shock when someone with a fully functioning brain, that's not addled by romantic twaddle, gets hold of it.