PiLs banned me from their house...

[Spuddybean]

Hi all, this is a request for advise as i'm not really sure what a fair response would be and want to be prepared if/when it happens.

Brief Background: My PiL's are hard work and find it difficult to get on with/accept others. Therefore they have no friends and no one in their families talk to them. My DP is an only child. After DP and i had been together for 6 months they called and said i wasn't welcome at their house anymore for extraordinarily spurious reasons.

We had only ever visited them as they rarely leave their house as they have concocted reasons why they cannot. MiL has MH issues and PiL is a nasty bully.

DP was disappointed but unsurprised as they have a pattern of this behaviour. So we decided it wasn't going to break us up and he would just visit them without me.

Fast forward 2 years and we are now ttc. They don't know this but DP is anxious about telling them when we have a baby. He has also said they have been making noises about coming to visit our house. DP owns the house but i live with him and pay towards mortgage/bills so i think of it as my home too.

I would be very surprised if they do want to visit. But i feel that as they have made me unwelcome in their home that they shouldn't expect to be welcome in mine.

Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend.

He will think if i'm not here why would i have a problem with it? And i suppose I just wonder if i would BU to say they cannot come? and tbh i doubt he would accept it if i did.

Also if i have a baby i know his mum will send gifts which i wouldn't want to accept.

I really feel for your potential children, spuddy, tbh. At the very least, anything happens to this man and they will be homeless. His parents are his next of kin.

I think you're vulnerable, at the very least, and honestly shouldn't be TTC.

I had an ex who took advantage of me, too, as I was leaving a marriage. He royally fucked up my life, with my full permission, for 2 years and in some ways, forever. And no, he wasn't a viscious or bad person, just a messed up one who took up with someone he should have been adult enough to leave alone (we'd been friends for years before that).

Thanks for sharing HH it's really kind to consider me so thoughtfully. i just think you have read things into my situation which just isn't there. and i apologise if i gave that impression.

How would my dc's know that their gp's hate them? why would i say that to them? (i know i said they hate kids, i meant more the constant moaning about noise etc, even they aren't odd enough to hate their gc's or say it to them if they did, they would just not have them over again)

I am not in a relationship to fix my past because i have had destructive relationships with previous family members - in fact i had very little contact with them and it never bothered me at all. Which is why i don't really see how PiL's behaviour will affect dc's. As mine never affected me.

PiL's are not fucking up anything other than themselves - as i said they have no affect on me at all really. Initially i was sad for DP but now i just don't care.

Visits to parents are not against DP's wishes, i just said they can be miserable. He obviously loves them still. But he misses me.

Previous partner had no controlling issues we were together 10 years and very happy. He didn't want children so we divorced.

I am not leaving anyone i know behind because i don't know anyone. I have 1 friend. That is why we are moving, so i can start again and hope to make friends. I am finding it very difficult to meet people where we live. (hence a lot of MNing!!)

My parents live 2 hours away so i rarely see them anyway and all my friends stopped talking to me when i left my husband.

My DP is very independent, he travels a lot with work and encourages me to make friends, join clubs and develop my own hobbies (he is getting me driving lessons so i can be more independent from him).

DP has also said when we go abroad (as i will hopefully be a SAHM) he will set up an account for me with money so i can come home whenever i want.

wow lachesis you poor thing. But that is not what is happening here. People really are projecting things onto this which isn't there. For some reason everyone here seems to want me to be a victim of something but i just am not.

I have said that we are sorting out the finances part and i have spoken to him about the NoK issue - altho we will probably get married soon so i think that should cover that.

Just because he has bizarre parents we are now not supposed to have children? I know you are trying to help so thanks but the relationship you are describing is nothing like mine and DP's.

And you'll have a visa to live abroad in your own right if it's a non-EU/EEA country? And what about custody issues if you split? If you can't stay there anymore? A lot of countries aren't like the UK - the father has much more rights than they do here.

I can't believe anyone would voluntarily leave themselves so financially unprotected and vulnerable with a young child and in a foreign country, tbh.

You were with your ex 10 years? How old are you?

I know I got baby fever and made some really poor decisions because I thought every men was a Last Chance Saloon with my biological clock ringing last orders at full volume, but I'm glad I held back and tried to think more long-term.

I was an immigrant and there was NO way I'd have TTC'd with my now spouse till we were married and I had right to stay of my own.

At the very least, research immigration rules of where you are going.

Because I can promise you, getting dumped in a foreign country alone when you have no right to remain is very very bad. Even more so when you have a child the father may be able to retain custody of whilst you are removed.

'People really are projecting things onto this which isn't there. For some reason everyone here seems to want me to be a victim of something but i just am not.

I have said that we are sorting out the finances part and i have spoken to him about the NoK issue - altho we will probably get married soon so i think that should cover that.'

No, people are not projecting. People are seeing themselves in you and have experience of when the bed of roses went fallow. People who were not married to their partner, it went tits up, and they found themselves in truly desperate situations.

You're chosing to do the most common thing which is to pretend not to hear or assume it'll never happen to you, you're different, your relationship is different, it's lurve, etc.

I hope for any potential children you have, that's true because you won't take any of this on board, sadly, which again, people who have been there (and here) have seen time and time again.

'Just because he has bizarre parents we are now not supposed to have children? I know you are trying to help so thanks but the relationship you are describing is nothing like mine and DP's.'

The man is oblivious to its potential effect on you and any children you might have. And so are you.

I really wish you the best of luck, you're going to need it!

Cheers Lachesis all bases covered on the visa/immigration front. We have planned not to move for good at 1st but keep the house here and say we'll try for 2 years and see how we feel.

i have done my homework on it - i would never leave myself that vulnerable.

I have nothing here to stay for, no job, no friends, little family, no money, nowhere to live, so i don't see the harm in giving it a go - i can always come home. I'm really excited actually.

Oh crikey - i am not naive. I know it's not all about lurve etc. and i'm not saying it wont happen to me. I'm just saying if it does i can deal with it. Everyone takes a risk when they marry someone and has a child, there are no guarantees.

I am taking it on board and i know life isn't perfect. Sorry but i think in this situation i am more qualified to say the affects of his parents on me is less than minimal and there is no reason that no contact with gp's will mean any dc's will need therapy for the rest of their lives.

Both DP and i had little/no contact with gp's and it didn't seem odd at all. I just totally understood Grandad was shouty and him and daddy didn't like each other, i never knew any different and it was never analysed.

Sounds like you've got it all wrapped up then.

No idea why you posted at all, in that case.

But on you go.

Best to you.

Love, kids see OTHER kids, they see telly programmes, they ask questions.

The one I have to answer is Mummy, why don't we go over to see Granddad in his house?

I can't tell him that my dad married a woman (OW) that banned us from visiting, that we have zero presence in their home, they have pictures of previous pets, but the many, many pics of DS and his cousin are not on public display. HER GC are, her dog is, but not us, and not his GC. I have no idea what to say.

Granddad does at least love DS/DN, he wants to see them, your situation here is different.

You need to think this through, all of it. You are placing this DP at the centre of your universe. that's never a good idea, and not when you are so exposed, both financially and emotionally. Why is your life so pared back?

Where you are going, is there a language you'll need to speak? do you speak it? if not, if you don't make friends too easily here, it's not going to be any easier somewhere forrin.

I wonder if you are running away? it's all so precarious, so romantic against all odds, maybe you are thinking on some level that life is a dream if you go somewhere else?... Not necessarily, it can be your worst nightmare.

i spent 3 years in practical isolation, DS was 6m when we went there. I know how hard life can be when abroad. In the end, I had a friend I would be able to see maybe twice a month, rarely more.

You only really need ONE good friend in life, more is a total gift, a blessing. I've spent over a year with absolutely NO-ONE to call a friend, i would not recommend it.

"i have done my homework on it - i would never leave myself that vulnerable"

But you are totally vulnerable NOW.... only now that you are posting have you seemingly realised the situation you could be in!

'I have nothing here to stay for, no job, no friends, little family, no money, nowhere to live, so i don't see the harm in giving it a go - i can always come home. I'm really excited actually.'

You are already are that vulnerable.

But again, I'm wasting my breath. I got my Bachelor of Art at the University of Hard Knocks, I'm lucky to be here at all, and won't be going back for any further education.

Some people have to learn the hard way.

My advice? Never, EVER, leave yourself without a ticket home!

Always make sure you have a return ticket. I've lived in South America, and a couple of places in Africa. Even if in Europe, I always have a ticket home.

I've only needed to use it, kind of, once. Had I not had the ticket I had on that day, it'd have been a whole different story.

lachesis lovin your degree chuck!

Is the 'We got married a week ago, now we are not speaking to each other' thread still active? Go read it. Several times.

Been there, HerHissyness. Got the tshirt .

Yes that thread is still going, strong.

Awaiting the return of the OP, think she flew back yesterday.

Poor woman.

HH i suppose that i just don't agree on the kids thing as i said exactly the same for me and DP and we saw other children with gp's. I think kids accept it and then can be told the truth. it's not perfect - i would love great gp's for them but i don't think it is worth not having children over.

PiL's are also quite old so i actually doubt it would be an issue for too long anyway.

No language necessary, i have been to where we are moving many times and have found it much easier to start chatting to people there than London.

No i don't think it's 'romantic' and against all odds i think it's quite predictable and a sensible choice considering the work situation in this country.

incidentally what do you answer? i was always told the truth 'grandad and daddy don't get along' it worked for me.

lachesis please don't think i'm not grateful for the advice - i am. But the reason i posted was about a hypothetical visit so i could formulate my response in case it surprised me. I do not feel i need advice on whether DP and i are right for each other, our financial arrangements, whether we should move abroad etc. They were just brought up in the flow of the conversation.

I feel as secure as i can do with my decisions.

And she'd been with him for years. Again, yep, been in similar situations myself. Thankfully, she didn't have kids with the guy. Would have been better if she had the dosh to change the ticket. Saved my bacon, for sure!

Never forget ringing a mate when it all went down. 'Got your passport? Get a plane. Ring me from the airport with the flight number. I'll be there when you land.'

Spuddy, I don't think anyones said that your DP is the wrong man for you, but people are trying to help here, don't forget you asked a question on how to deal with a potential situation. To many other people it is unthinkable that that situation could ever happen.

"Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend." Many see this as warning bells because they experienced something similar and it did not turn out OK.

You say they don;t bad mouth you and if they did he would say something - "If they call and i answer they hang up." What does he say about that? I;m guessing nothing and he still continues to see them, that is as good as saying this behaviour is OK.

No one is saying that your DP will turn out to be an abuser or that he is a bad man, but before you bring children into the world you both need to know where you are coming from.

Please don;t take any of this as an attack on you or your DP, it is not meant in that way

Only read the opening post. Why the tell are you TTC with someone who you think will be happy to expect you to leave the house for weekends at a time so his parents who don't want you around can come and stay?

Would you be happy to do this the day/week/month after birth leaving your precious child there with him for them to see?

*why the hell

need i have only told DP MiL hung up once (hard to prove as they block their number) and he called straight back and had a go at her and she burst into tears and got herself so worked up it just wasn't worth mentioning it again - as that is what she wants, the drama.

I just think on MN there is a habit of not actually believing the OP or reading more into things which just aren't there. I know a lot of people are vulnerable and need firm encouragement but i am honestly not one of them.

As i said the original post was just about whether it would just be easier to piss off for the weekend if they wanted to visit. Not whether my DP and i should emigrate or whether he should sign over half of his house to me.

I seriously wonder if the advice would be for me to sign over half of everything if the shoe was on the other foot. If i said i owned a house and had substantial savings and i had met a guy who was recently divorced, redundant with not a penny to his name and after we'd been together 2 years were getting married/ttc.

i do appreciate the advice and i value it, (and have thanked people numerous times in this thread) but there can be a hostility that if you don't immediately agree with assertions which are inaccurate (and in this situation i am best positioned to ascertain this - despite what other MNers think) then you are in denial or lying or are an imbecile.

I understand the advice is often extremely personal and is borne out of bitter experience, and it is being passed on with the best of intentions to prevent any heartache to the OP. Which is why it can seem disingenuous not to agree with it. But i have to be honest and the situations here are not the same.

So thank you all once again. I really cherish MN for airing my thoughts and being able to come to conclusions, which otherwise would just rattle around in my head.

If you are not on the title deeds, and therefore the mortgage you have no rights to the house. None whatsoever.

If you marry it becomes an asset of the marriage.

There is no such thing as a common law wife.

You could stay as you are for 20+ years and if ge ends it the day they go to uni you would have nothing.

My DH had a similar prob with his ex, he got his name on the mortgage/title deeds 6 months before she left him after 22 years together.

You need legal advice pronto. You do not pay someones mortgage with no legal arrangement.

Sorry if i gave the impression i pay his mortgage. I pay TOWARDS the mortgage and bills, ie about a quarter which works out about £100 per week when i am working. Which i often am not and then i pay nothing.

What i pay is less than rent anywhere would be and does not cover the cost of me living there - but obviously he doesn't care.

I do not expect rights to his house (that's not why i pay - i pay when i can to cover my living costs as all adults should if possible), however, he has told me he has written a will which leaves it to me if he dies. We are talking about getting married in the next 9 months where we will look at putting my name on the deeds etc.

I would never be eligible for a mortgage as i earn so little and have no savings.