PiLs banned me from their house...

[Spuddybean]

Hi all, this is a request for advise as i'm not really sure what a fair response would be and want to be prepared if/when it happens.

Brief Background: My PiL's are hard work and find it difficult to get on with/accept others. Therefore they have no friends and no one in their families talk to them. My DP is an only child. After DP and i had been together for 6 months they called and said i wasn't welcome at their house anymore for extraordinarily spurious reasons.

We had only ever visited them as they rarely leave their house as they have concocted reasons why they cannot. MiL has MH issues and PiL is a nasty bully.

DP was disappointed but unsurprised as they have a pattern of this behaviour. So we decided it wasn't going to break us up and he would just visit them without me.

Fast forward 2 years and we are now ttc. They don't know this but DP is anxious about telling them when we have a baby. He has also said they have been making noises about coming to visit our house. DP owns the house but i live with him and pay towards mortgage/bills so i think of it as my home too.

I would be very surprised if they do want to visit. But i feel that as they have made me unwelcome in their home that they shouldn't expect to be welcome in mine.

Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend.

He will think if i'm not here why would i have a problem with it? And i suppose I just wonder if i would BU to say they cannot come? and tbh i doubt he would accept it if i did.

Also if i have a baby i know his mum will send gifts which i wouldn't want to accept.

Or I might be tempted to stay at home and paint my toenails and read magazines while ignoring them.

I understand what people are saying but i would never expect him to disown his parents. He accepts they have mental health issues (his mum has had 2 breakdowns and i suspect borderline personality disorder and FiL presents as a classic narcissist). DP is an only child and basically his mum's only link to the outside world.

She acts like someone who is siding with her kidnapper as this is the only way she can justify the way they have behaved.

They are banned from restaurants, shops, doctors surgeries because he is so obnoxious and they refuse to see they are the common denominator - they have to believe it is everybody else.

I think if they want to come i will not leave, i will be civil, if DP asks me to leave i will - but i wont come back!

I think you really need to set some expectations with your DP about what will happen when a baby arrives. There is no point in TTC if you are going to be driven apart after baby is born because of your mentalist PILs.

Can you imagine your DP taking a newborn away from you to visit PILs without you? Or how the FIL will behave?

Get it sorted now!

I have already said no, he will not be taking a baby there.

The thing is they live far enough away that day visits aren't possible so it would need to be an overnight stay at least.

spuddybean Its ok, I laughed as well...at least for abit but then just cried!

I really feel for your dp it must be so hard for him having such difficult parents! I think your best having an understanding with dp and what are his needs regarding his parents and maybe coming to some compromise if your serious about a future with him.

Children with this family is going to be tricky as they will always be family and as long as dp wants a relationship with them then they are involved.

Maybe breaking the ice with them would be possible over a mutual coffee arranged by dp with his parents but you go as well...

Depends how much you can live with...because you will need to learn to live with it if they are part of your future. DH and I have a good solid marriage but the IL's have brought us close to splitting up and we know they are are the main pressure on us.

I just don't think DP or PiL's think anything thru. I think he goes there and they don't have anything to say to each other so they all sit round talking about things which will never happen (it drove me mad when i went there, all talking about a holiday, or a car they were going to buy, or a posh meal out they were planning - none of which ever happened - i said to DP once why do you say it if you know there's no way it'll happen, and he said well it's just something to say isn't it, everyone does it...er, nope, no one else does it!).

So i think they say 'oooh we'll have to come and see your new house' and he says 'oh yes', then comes home and say's they are coming. I get myself upset and there is no way it'll happen!

madam both DP and i grew up with parents not seeing grandparents and we understood. My dad never went to anything on my mums side as he doesn't like her family. I understood that from an early age.

And if they came over dad went out.

cupcake i think you are giving them too much credibility and making the mistake of assuming they are normal. They don't go out for coffee. They don't go anywhere. They would never meet DP for a coffee ever. He must go to them.

Even when he came back from his first tour of Afghan they never went to pick him up or meet him. He had to make his own way home from brize norton.

You really need to sort out this house situation legally before TTC with this person. So many women leave themselves very financially vulnerable by co-habitating with someone and not having any legal rights.

I'd question TTC with a person who thought I should leave home or that he was going to take our child overnight to see his mentalist parents, tbh.

I so understand...I get advice for how I should behave at job interviews from a man who admits he's never been to a job interview in his life!!

DH used to get TOLD when to go and see them or when they were coming to see us! Regardless of convienience...

I'm 14 years in and it gets worse so everyone who is saying it needs sorting out is right...we have come to an arrangement were I will see them but not everytime they demand it. If I have plans I will suggest that DH take DS to see them but I ask them to come home before DS bedtime as I want to see my dh and my child! DS used to stay with them one day a week...the worse decision I ever made because it resulted in comments of ...he never did that when we used to be involved etc etc

My FIL is extremely controlling over all his family (he actually locked me in his house for an hour when I was staying there and everyone else was out ...I am in my mid 30's!). We have began to fight back by laughing at him and pretending what he says is a joke when actually sadly he means it. He told me last week how I was going to return to work and I wasn't to worry about ds and HE would CONTROL his childcare arrangements "to help"! I told him what I was arranging for my son and thanked him for his offer of help but declined...

Have a working (tried and tested) arrangement before you have a family.

lachesis if i don't pay towards the mortgage (i am only temping and have been in and out of work so often can't) do you think i would be entitled to expect to be given half the house?

If we get married does it automatically become half mine. I have no capital and no money, so what right do i have to this? legally i mean?

Well I'm sorry - but if you insulted their christmas tree what do you expect???

- but seriously, surely if they don't accept you into their family then DP needs to grow a pair and let them know that you are a family and that you stick together as a family. No WAY would any baby of mine be going to their house (with or without me) until they had sorted themselves out.

Yep your right that isn't very normal!

cupcake by sorting it out i presume everyone means we try to get on. You see, i think that will make everything worse. They would only keep behaving like this and i couldn't bear the tension.

I actually think the best and only realistic solution is keeping us apart and not having a relationship with them at all.

They cannot function normally and it almost wouldn't be fair to expect them to iyswim. They have proven they just don't have the capacity and it would only upset everyone involved.

I would understand if they did make any demands but they don't. They deal with things/people by pretending they don't exist.

Once we live abroad DP will just come back with work and visit them. I presume the only relationship they would have with dc's is seeing photo's and sending xmas cards.

You need a) sort the house problem - if he is committed to you, you should be on the deeds/mortgage before you get pregnant, if he's not prepared to do this, do not get pregnant by this man, he doesn't respect you or see you as his life long partner. Point out if he got hit by a bus his parents would inherit the house, how long do you think it would be before they evicted you and his DCs?

As you are talking about getting married, can I suggest you do this before you TTC rather than later on? That will give you legal protection, you could do a small registrary office affair and then have a big blessing or humanist do later on if money is a concern.

b) you need to tel your DP that DC visits to 'D'GPs without you can't possibly happen for the first 12 months at least, and then once your DC are talking and able to understand what ILs are saying, you won't allow visits without you being present to ensure you aren't being slagged off to them. This gives him about 7-8 months when his parents can see his DC1, obviously you won't be able to send any subsequent DCs without the eldest without explaining why to them, and you will not have your DCs told that you are banned from PILs house.

c) tell him you won't leave your home because they are visiting, but you will welcome them to your home if they want to come to visit, make a nice cake and be polite, however, this can only happen on the understanding if they say one rude thing to them you will expect him to ask them to leave. If he's prepared to let someone be rude to your face (even crazy parents) he doesn't really love you enough and you need to go find a man who does.

Basically, you need to stop putting up with shit from him, just because he's grown up with this and thinks it's normal to treat people like this, you don't need to allow him to think this is normal. He has grown up with this and has learned to cope with it, he doesn't need to cope with it, you don't need to cope with it, his Parents need to learn to cope with the rest of the world. by enabling them, you and DP are stopping that happening.

No you can't always get along with people...its how do you live with it in a way that is of minimal effect to your relationship and how you encorporate that into a possible family life is what I really ment.

Sounds like you already have a potential plan in place!

They are clever as they know if they ever told DP he needed to choose he would choose me. But they just want him all to themselves. I think that is the real reason they behave like this.

So they just pretend i don't exist and he visits and they coo over him. Tbh i don't even think they would want to know dc's. They seem to have decided they can only love DP and have excluded everyone else - even their other children.

Poor DP never had any friends growing up, they wouldn't allow him and told him he had allergies and asthma so he wouldn't go out or to play with other kids. His friend was his mum.

Very very sad.

Your ILs sound like my mum and her husband.

I now don't see them at all, but still speak to my mum on the phone/via text.

I had the whole "you cant come over" because of ridiculous reasons. I got tired of tiptoeing around her husband for years so decided that a) I wasn't putting up with it anymore and b) my DCs would never step foot in their house ever.

Your partner needs to make a decision with you about the level of contact. Especially as having kids changes things.

cheers lydia . they are non confrontational so they never would say anything to anyone, they just take in everything you say then twist it and use it as a reason for excommunicating them.

FiL makes the decision but is such a weak man that he gets MiL to make the phone calls.

When i last saw them, we stayed for the weekend in May then when i left FiL kissed me goodbye, seemed okay, said see me soon. Then told MiL i wasn't welcome again and then she rand DP a couple of days later to say that i had insulted their xmas tree by implying my mother's tree had more gold decorations etc.

Since then FiL has never mentioned me again. DP and MiL wont bring it up as he then locks himself in his room and banishes MiL to the spare room for months.

Just out of interest - what do you do as a couple at Xmas?

Does your DP leave you at home alone and visit his parents? Will they expect this if you have a baby - you go wothout Xmas with your own child so they can see him/her? - Its a question you need to appraoch with your DP because believe me - once Grandchildren come into the equation, Xmas and birthdays are always grandparent magnets!

His parents sound absolutely bonkers! I agree that you cannot get him to disown his parents but he does need to grow a pair before you have kids.

I have lived through IL hell and still do to a point. Once we had kids the gloves really did come off but bloody hell there have been shed loads of tears and quite franklyt my ILs ruined what should have been special moments in mine/our lives - engagement, wedding, birth of first child, first xmas with baby etc etc. Its not a situation I would wish on anyone.

Just today aftyer 16 years together and 2 kids (12 and 10) we have had yet another row because of the ILs creating merry hell over sod all!

I was in a situation just liek you at the start of our relationship. I moved into DHs own home. MIL and FIL used to come in and treat me like the lodger, Rifle through cupboards and drawers as if they owned the place to make a point that it was their sons house and not mine. However, I stood up for myself and pointed out that where as it may not be my house it was in fact my HOME and that they should treat me and it accordingly - yeah it went down like a lead balloon but they got the message (with catsbum face and stamping feet) eventually.

Start as you mean to go on! If they want to come to your home, make a point of being there. You could opt to be a polite host or just be there but dont avoid them, dont give them free reign of your home. If they want to come to your home then they have to accept the fact you may be there. End of! That is something you just should not budge on - not an inch. The ball is in their court. if they choose not to come because you are there then its tough shit on them - they had the option and THEY refused. Its your home - not somewhere you are just staying.

iggly i think having dc's will separate him even more from them (he has been detaching more and more already). I think when he loves dc's unconditionally he will not be able to understand or accept their behaviour.

As i said earlier, the agreement we have is that he visits them every other month and that suits us fine at the mo. Once dc's happen or we move it will change to suit our new plans.

Thanks everyone, it's been nice to formulate my thoughts. I really appreciate the advice.

iwant the point is that they aren't the typical PiL's from hell. They don't make demands (this is hypothetical planning just in case but i doubt they will) they are happy to pretend DP is single.

I would never put up with rudeness or demands so this suits us better.

Xmas isn't an issue, 1st year we spent it there (hence treegate!) the second xmas he spent his there and i spent mine with my parents (he also cannot go to my parents house as he is allergic to animals - so we don't really have extended family time on either side. We are both only children too).

We agreed that last year would be his last xmas there if we stayed together. And from this year on it will be about our family unit.