PiLs banned me from their house...

[Spuddybean]

Hi all, this is a request for advise as i'm not really sure what a fair response would be and want to be prepared if/when it happens.

Brief Background: My PiL's are hard work and find it difficult to get on with/accept others. Therefore they have no friends and no one in their families talk to them. My DP is an only child. After DP and i had been together for 6 months they called and said i wasn't welcome at their house anymore for extraordinarily spurious reasons.

We had only ever visited them as they rarely leave their house as they have concocted reasons why they cannot. MiL has MH issues and PiL is a nasty bully.

DP was disappointed but unsurprised as they have a pattern of this behaviour. So we decided it wasn't going to break us up and he would just visit them without me.

Fast forward 2 years and we are now ttc. They don't know this but DP is anxious about telling them when we have a baby. He has also said they have been making noises about coming to visit our house. DP owns the house but i live with him and pay towards mortgage/bills so i think of it as my home too.

I would be very surprised if they do want to visit. But i feel that as they have made me unwelcome in their home that they shouldn't expect to be welcome in mine.

Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend.

He will think if i'm not here why would i have a problem with it? And i suppose I just wonder if i would BU to say they cannot come? and tbh i doubt he would accept it if i did.

Also if i have a baby i know his mum will send gifts which i wouldn't want to accept.

[Cathpot]

Hi Spuddy, I just wanted to quickly say that of the 3 close friends I have with completely fucked up parents ALL of them have turned out to be very lovely parents. They are all hyper aware of how damaging bad parenting can be and think very carefully indeed about how they relate to their kids. My own dad's parents were also pretty rubbish of the- boarding school at 6/ bitter and vindictive unhappily married mother variety - and again he is a loving lovely dad. Having spectacularly poor parents does not automatically translate into being one.

Also I think you are right to think that once he has his own kids it will throw into very sharp relief, the unforgivable way they have behaved. Again from the experience of friends it was having their own kids that gave them the strength to cut ties.

[ChippingIn]

Spuddy - I think you have been very patient and not defensive when you have replied. Your replies seem well thought out.

I can see where the others are coming from and reading your replies I can see that you don't think they apply to you. Obviously you know your own life bettter than any of us do - but please consider that a lot of what you are saying is what many of us would have said before things got bad/went arse up. Maybe the others are right and you just can't see it or maybe you are right and we are projecting situations onto you that do not apply - but will you do me a favour and in a day or two read through the thread again and see how you feel?

In your OP you said

Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend.

He will think if i'm not here why would i have a problem with it? And i suppose I just wonder if i would BU to say they cannot come? and tbh i doubt he would accept it if i did

Also if i have a baby i know his mum will send gifts which i wouldn't accept

Now - can you see why people are concerned? You are bracing yourself - you think your DP might ask you to leave your home for the weekend... he wouldn't accept it if you said they can't come.

Honestly, can't you see how that sounds? How controlling he sounds, how little regard for your feelings he appears to have?

I too am a little concerned you see your relationship with him as 'the last chance saloon' for having children and thus you are convincing yourself he is a better person than he is.

[Bogeyface]

chipping I think that that was a very well thought out message and I agree that in the midst of the "dont have kids with this bastard..." type posts, the genuine concern for the OP may have been missed.

OP, I still stand by my concern for the MIL (you say she wants drama, but perhaps she just wants someone to notice how unhappy she is) but I also think that Chipping is right in that you may not be seeing the, I hate this phrase but..... red flags in his disrespect for you and your feelings. Admittedly it may be a conditioned thing in that he has simply learnt that the only way to survive is to cave in to his fathers demands either on their own or via his mother, and he can re-learn his responses with help from a therapist and you. But you cant fix this on your own.

I would never say dont have a child with him, as someone else said, an abusive childhood doesnt automatically mean an abusive parenthood. However, I would be inclined to postpone it for a while until you have dealt with this issue, because it wont go away and it would be horrible if it cast a shadow over what should be the happiest time of your lives.

Good luck :)

[allibaba]

Spuddybean having read through ALL of the posts, I am now going to wade in with my size 8's.

I really this Chipping and Bogey have made really good points in the last two posts on here. It might be worth you reading through all of this again on this thread to understand where a lot of the concern other posters have is coming from.

I have posted on here before about my PILs and actually sometimes seeing your situation from another perspective can open your eyes to what's really happening or at least understanding what the real issue is. I hope you sort this out as neither of you sound happy.

[Spuddybean]

Thanks for the thoughtful posts guys. I will re-read Tues as DP and i are going away tomo morning for a romantic night in a hotel .

Just briefly, i have not said this is the last chance saloon for having a baby, someone else suggested that. The PiL's do not cast a shadow as we have accepted this is their way, and knowing it wont change, have decided not to take it personally (we embrace Seneca's philosophy of the dog following the chariot in this situation).

Alibaba i'm sad you think neither of us sound happy, I have said we are planning to get married and are excited about moving and ttc. I am sorry if i gave that impression. Yes, DP is sad his parents are the way they are but he is used to it.

This is such a minor part of our lives that it feels odd it is being looked into so deeply - obviously you just have what i have said about this issue to go on and it may have been given more weight because i posted about it. But as i said it was started as a way to formulate my own position on one small aspect.

Seriously, on the list of things to worry about this is about number 10 in my life at the mo'.

Thanks again. x